【NINE小组】第二次作文—by ymxjtu

ymxjtuUID: 2984484

第二次作业，请大家多多指教, 有啥问题尽管提哦！85 Some people believe that in order to thrive, a society must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens. Others believe that the well-being of a society can only be measured by the general welfare of all its people
有些人认为，为了保证社会繁荣，相比个体民众的安乐， 社会整体的成功更为重要。也有人认为， 一个社会的繁荣，只能通过社会民众的安乐来衡量。




Although it seems a hard for me to choose which view I support, I really have a very different idea from both the above points.  In my opinion, the social overall success and the individual’s well-being are both indispensable aspects for the development of a society. They should not be isolated by each other but be very intimate to each. So, I think it is better to look for an appropriate way to deal with their relationship in order to improve the social progress instead of making them opposite.


To begin with, as we can see, the well-being of individual citizens is the fundamental of the whole thriving of a society. In the society, surviving is the basic thing that people have to face. When people solving the fundamental requirements likely eating ,wearing, lodging , people can have some spare time and energy to think about other needs, such as exploiting their potential in art, music, sport, technology and entertainment and so on. So, the individual’s elementary welfare is the base of the social development. In addition, after people attaining a good well-being, for instance, excellent education, fine medical treatment and the freedom of choice, etc.,  the social lasting and strong development can be guaranteed. So, the individual citizens’ well-being is a radical factor to get a good development of a society.


Secondly, on the contrary, the social overall success can ensure the better well-being of the individual citizens. As a song singing, the whole country bless everyone’s home. If a country or a nation has not enough powerto defend aggression, to withstand terrible disasters, or to rescue their people from plight, the individual well-being may be easily destroy by many extraneous unfortunates. A recently event that over 30 thousands Chinese worker was transferred from the Libya, where a war broke and lasted for several months, to go back China, is very good example to illustrate this point. Furthermore, a good social environment may provide people good opportunity to develop their all kinds of interests as well as their different gifts.


After the above discuss, we may aware of the important relationship of each aspects. So， the issue statement of isolation of them can resulted many problems in a social development. For example, Chinese now economical quantity is in the second status of the world, but its citizens live a relatively low level life. This unbalanced development has brought a lot of problems so that to restrict its overall success. Now the Chinese government has recognized this embarrassed situation and begins to take some action to make individual citizens get a better welfare. Maybe it is not too late.


Well, how can we rightly deal with their relationship to improve both of them? In my point, the government need to look for a balance between them, which means never sacrifice one’s interest to attain the other’s success. More specifically, on one hand we develop the social prosperity, such as the economical amount, the technology improvement and the powerful martial and national defense ability and so on. On the other hand, individual citizens’ well- being must be emphasized, likely some basic rights of education, equity, fair competition, etc. In another word, a balanced developing model is such a good cycle development:  at the individual citizens’ well-being fundaments, the society tries to provide the largest, most convenient, fairest, and best conditions to every individual to help them exert their biggest ability to create wealth for the society. That will be win-win for each other.


All in all, I believe that the social overall success and individual well-being are both important for a social lasting progress. If we well deal with both, we will live a better life than before.

winterfineUID: 3141531

Although (感觉第一句不存在转折) it seems a hard for me to choose which view I support, I really have a very different idea from both the above points.  In my opinion, the social overall success and the individual’s well-being are both indispensable aspects for the development of a society. They should not be isolated by each other but be very intimate (…) to each. So, I think it is better to look for an appropriate way to deal with their relationship in order to improve the social progress instead of making them opposite.
开头表明全文观点

To begin with, as we can see, the well-being of individual citizens is the fundamental of the whole thriving of a society. (本段的核心) In the society, surviving is the basic thing that people have to face. When people solving the fundamental requirements likely eating ,wearing, lodging (are solved), people can have some spare time and energy to think about other needs, such as exploiting their potential in art, music, sport, technology and entertainment and so on. (社会通过解决个人生存问题，促进个人发展貌似是下一段的内容，这一段的核心应该是个人如何使社会更加进步) So, the individual’s elementary welfare is the base of the social development. (为得出这个结论，需要更清晰说明一下个人的exploiting their potential in art, music, sport如何促进社会进步的，这本应该是这段重点，感觉现在说得不很充分) In addition, after people attaining a good well-being, for instance, excellent education, fine medical treatment and the freedom of choice, etc., the social lasting and strong development can be guaranteed (这个结论是如何得出的？). So, the individual citizens’ well-being is a radical factor to get a good development of a society.


Secondly, on the contrary, the social overall success can ensure the better well-being of the individual citizens. As a song singing, the whole country bless everyone’s home. If a country or a nation has not enough power to defend aggression, to withstand terrible disasters, or to rescue their people from plight, the individual well-being may be easily destroy (destroyed) by many extraneous unfortunates. A recently event that over 30 thousands Chinese worker was transferred from the Libya, where a war broke and lasted for several months, to go back (back to) China, is very good example to illustrate this point. Furthermore, a good social environment may provide people good opportunity to develop their all kinds of interests as well as their different gifts.
例子不错，解释得挺清楚

After the above discuss, we may (be) aware of the important relationship of each aspects. So，(建议换掉so,因果关系不是很合适) the issue statement of isolation of them can resulted many problems in a social development. For example, Chinese now economical quantity is in the second status of the world, but its citizens live a relatively low level life. This unbalanced development has brought a lot of problems so that to restrict its overall success. (作为一个反例，需要更具体说明isolation导致了怎样的问题，并明确这样的问题怎么限制发展了) Now the Chinese government has recognized this embarrassed (embarrassing) situation and begins to take some action to make individual citizens get a better welfare. Maybe it is not too late.


Well, how can we rightly deal with their relationship to improve both of them? In my point, the government need to look for a balance between them, which means never sacrifice one’s interest to attain the other’s success. More specifically, on one hand we develop the social prosperity, such as the economical amount, the technology improvement and the powerful martial and national defense ability and so on. On the other hand, individual citizens’ well- being must be emphasized, likely some basic rights of education, equity, fair competition, etc. In another word, a balanced developing model is such a good cycle development:  at the individual citizens’ well-being fundaments, the society tries to provide the largest, most convenient, fairest, and best conditions to every individual to help them exert their biggest ability to create wealth for the society. That will be win-win for each other.
结论

All in all, I believe that the social overall success and individual well-being are both important for a social lasting progress. If we well deal with both, we will live a better life than before.

这篇文章结构很清晰。首先，先后论证了社会和个人如何使对方收益；接着从反面论证了国家不顾个人利益发展的不利方面；最后讨论了怎样平衡国家与个人的关系。
但是，第二段讨论略显混乱，而下面的段落，例子选的不错，只是讨论的不是很充分。

kaooUID: 3145702

Although it seems a hard for me to choose which view I support, I really have a very different idea from both the above points.
likely eating ,wearing, lodging (are solved)
After the above discuss、
废话太多，以上的是你说的一些废话。 还有，你是没学过英语作文对不？怎么用了中文作文的写法了？
论点说的过去就过去，没什么问题，阅卷老师说的过去就行了

好了，快给我回拍吧！

ymxjtuUID: 2984484

第一次修改
I have a very different idea from both the above points.  In my opinion, the social overall success and the individual’s well-being are both indispensable aspects for the development of a society. They should not be isolated by each other but they are very intimate with each. So, I think it is better to look for an appropriate way to deal with their relationship in order to improve the social progress instead of making them opposite.

To begin with, as we can see, the well-being of individual citizens is the fundamental of the whole thriving of a society. In the society, surviving is the basic thing that people have to face. Only when people having the fundamental requirements likely getting enough food to eat, wearing clothes to warm themselves and gaining a place to settle , they could have some spare time and energy to think about other needs, such as exploiting their potential in art, music, sport, technology and entertainment and so on.  So, the individual’s elementary welfare is the base of the social development.  In addition, after people attaining a good well-being, for instance, excellent education, fine medical treatment and the freedom of choice, etc., the social lasting and strong development can be guaranteed. If a person always to worry about the high money expenditure for his ill treatment, I think he may not full concentrate in his work, not to say exploit his talent.  So, the individual citizens’ well-being is a radical factor to get a good development of a society.


Secondly, on the contrary, the social overall success can ensure the better well-being of the individual citizens. As a song singing, the whole country bless everyone’s home. If a country or a nation has not enough power to defend aggression, to withstand terrible disasters, or to rescue their people from plight, the individual well-being may be easily destroyed by many extraneous unfortunates. A recently event that over 30 thousands Chinese worker was transferred from the Libya, where a war broke and lasted for several months, to go back to  China, is very good example to illustrate this point. Furthermore, a good social environment may provide people good opportunity to develop their all kinds of interests as well as their different gifts.


After the above discuss, we maybe aware of the important relationship of each aspects. If we isolate each as what the issue states,  it can result in many problems in a social development. For example, Chinese now economical quantity is in the second status of the world, but its citizens live a relatively low level life. Many young people now face a very surviving pressure because the too high house price and continuing raising life expenditure with relative too low wage. In this situation, they consider their surviving problem more than their careers or even their own ideals. This unbalanced development has brought a lot of problems so that to restrict its overall success.  Now the Chinese government has recognized this embarrassing  situation and begins to take some action to make individual citizens get a better welfare. Maybe it is not too late.

Well, how can we rightly deal with their relationship to improve both of them? In my point, the government need to look for a balance between them, which means never sacrifice one’s interest to attain the other’s success. More specifically, on one hand we develop the social prosperity, such as the economical amount, the technology improvement and the powerful martial and national defense ability and so on. On the other hand, individual citizens’ well- being must be emphasized, likely some basic rights of education, equity, fair competition, etc. In another word, a balanced developing model is such a good cycle development:  at the individual citizens’ well-being fundaments, the society tries to provide the largest, most convenient, fairest, and best conditions to every individual to help them exert their biggest ability to create wealth for the society. That will be win-win for each other.

All in all, I believe that the social overall success and individual well-being are both important for a social lasting progress. If we well deal with both, we will live a better life than before.