请多多指教，toefl作文一篇~

yqcynthiaUID: 3157836

题目：Students who can keeep their room organized are more likely to succeed
         Contemporarily, a lot of people advocate to give students as much freedom as we can. Although someone may think that students who keep their room organized could be stiff, dull and lack of optimism, they are not likely to succeed. However , students who keep their own room are more likely to succeed since keeping their own room well-organized will definitely make students’ thinking well-organized, raise students’ studying efficiency and make them be more persistent.
         Keeping the student’s own rooms organized can definitely make their thinking well-organized. Not only can they learn how to plan their own life during orgaizing their rooms, but obtain the inspiration of innovation as well. Through making their own stuff well-organized, students can enjoy their clean and tidy room and always in a good mood. If one could keep his own room organized permanently, his mind will be clear, legible and active when confronted with other problems. He can also learn to deal with complicated problems after trained by organizing the room.
        Even though building a legible mind is a major advantage why students who keep their own rooms well-organized are more likely to succeed, we cannot neglect this can also raise students’ study efficiency. Contemporarily, students are facing unprecedented pressure from both family and society. Students are easy to fall in low mood and even catch serious metal diseases such as depression neurosism and so on. If they came back home facing their own rooms in a mess, their mood would definitely be lower. On the contrary, a tidy room in perfect order will make students in high spirits and finish their work with high efficiency. Tidying the room can help students be familiar with their own stuff such as books and clothes. If students tidy the room themselves, they can find them out quickly when students need them and can save their precious time to have a good rest. Students efficiency will be inevitably raised in this way.
           Another advantage of keeping their own rooms organized is to make students be persistent. Students who keep their rooms well-organized are more likely to be persistent in their life. It is a long-term work if one wants to keep his room well-organized and required them to be firm and patient. Since one needs to maintain the stuff in their own place after every time one used them. Organizing the room can also shape the students’ characters, developing them to be independent. While tidying the room day by day, students will become more patient than they used to be as time goes by.

prqeabcdUID: 2636608

总体来说楼主论述的思路很好 段落展开充分(字数很多:P) 问题有以下3点
1 偶尔出现的高级词汇+低级语法错误/表述不清=inconsistent facility
2 结尾段一定要写 否则你的文章就不是"well-organized"
3 词汇-词组-句式的变换使用 同一个词不要用第二次 (well-orgnized, contemporarily, organizing....)
比如well-organized可以换成organizing appropriately之类的 层次就提高了

yqcynthiaUID: 3157836

2# prqeabcd x谢谢前辈哦~

yqcynthiaUID: 3157836

自己顶一顶~