issue23 反面教材（revised by imong）

glidingshUID: 110700

issue23
Contemporary technology makes available many small pieces of factal information. As a result, people have become so peroccupied with bits of fragmented information that they pay too little attention to the larger issues and overall perspectives.


The speaker asserts that people have become preoccupied with bits of fragmented information and pay too little attention to the larger issue and overall perspectives. The reason is that contemporary technology makes available many small pieces of factual information. I disagree with the author, even technology make available many small pieces of factual information. In my view, those many small pieces of factual information let people attach to the larger issues and overall perspectives.

Admittedly, the contemporary technology informs many small pieces of factual information. With the telescope gastronomists can find out the small different among many universities, which help astronomies do the further research. In the lab, scientists can discover the small distinctions with the similar constitution, which can be used in far different areas. But all those small pieces of factual information are always used in the larger issue and overall perspectives, and sever to the society.

In the realm of science, with the development of the technology scientists can find out more and more small pieces of factual information, which can help them to further research and find out the new area. With the advanced technology of camera, scientists can know exactly the process of the dropping cat through analyzing the process with the pictures. There are many other examples, such as with the help of the micro-telescope, the scientists find out the micro-world and tell us that the world consists of the separate micro-matter, based on this theory scientists discover the consists of the DNA and reduce the rate of the abnormal gene. In the history, the theory that the center of the university is sun not the earth is the first found out by Galileo. At that time, he happened to calculate out some minute-different dates with the theory and decide to take into research, which is the beginning for human being to probe into the university.

In the field of art, people may have the same feeling that when watching two pictures or sculptures by the same artist. But if the critics tell out some small pieces of the factual information, such as the distinct period or different mode, people looking at the pictures and sculptures again must have the different feeling from former opinions and know better the meaning of the artists. Actually many artists in the different period, situation and statue, there are many different ideals in their works and those ideals must only through the small pieces to inform them out.

When talking about people today's life, it is more clearly. Because of technology, people's lives have been changed greatly and people have many other aims besides food and clothing. To know the tend of the society, where to know the tend of the society, the effective political leaders always find out them form the small pieces of fact and then make a wise decision.

In sum, only through find available small pieces of factual information, people can attention to the larger issues and overall perspectives. That is to say before attending on the larger issues and overall perspectives people must focus on some important small pieces of factual information.

觉得应该讲technology, 而且要是现代的 technology, ok?
可是讲来讲去还是扯上艺术和社会，还有--history的technology, 是不是有点偏题了？觉得不大对，也就不敢讲多
到底该怎么写比较好呢？

写了45分钟， 改了一个小时；觉得还是很差，
大虾们看看可以得到4分吗？

blake_wangUID: 9871

1, superficially, people are appealed even preoccupied with much trivial information which new technologies such as computers and mobile phones make them easy to access so that people do not have enough time to conceit or consider more important or global issues compared with our ancestors or enven generations of several decades ago who have not involved in such an appealing and complex technology-made society. careful examination to the points will reveal the coclusion is shaky because it attributes what occurs cocurrently to a relationship of an cause of an effect, even reverse the whole cause and effect relationship. technologies should not be blamed because the fault of people who are interested in factual and trival information in stead of global or philosophied isses can be only contributable to humans themselves: the obvious alternative may be to reject the appealing and time-occupying information unless it is useful to infer a glabal conception of any issue.
2, a good essay.

imongUID: 140258

129
Contemporary technology makes available many small pieces of factal information. As a result, people have become so peroccupied with bits of fragmented information that they pay too little attention to the larger issues and overall perspectives.


The speaker asserts that people have become preoccupied with bits of fragmented information and pay too little attention to the larger issue and overall perspectives. The reason is that contemporary technology makes available many small pieces of factual information. I disagree with the author, even technology make available many small pieces of factual information. In my view, those many small pieces of factual information let people attach to the larger issues and overall perspectives. 开头太罗嗦啦,4个简单句可以用两个复合句来写,会显得更加紧凑.学习一下别人的文章,找找写复句的感觉并练习一下咯.

Admittedly, the contemporary technology informs many small pieces of factual information. With the telescope gastronomists can find out the small different(difference) among many universities(大学？), which help astronomies do the further research. In the lab, scientists can discover the small distinctions with the similar constitution, which can be used in far different areas.（这个例子太general，因而weak） But all those small pieces of factual information are always used in the larger issue and overall perspectives, and sever to the society.糟了，你的论点最后一句出来了，然后over. 如果这一段主要围绕第一句话来说，那么最后一句就是完全多余；如果是围绕最后一局来说，那么就不应该一点support都没有。一段一论点是general principle（偶尔会有例外，但是这一段的写法肯定不好），因为它是由论述的基本结构的要求而决定的。

In the realm of science, with the development of the technology scientists can find out more and more small pieces of factual information, which can help them to further research and find out the new area. With the advanced technology of camera, scientists can know exactly the process of the dropping cat (?) through analyzing the process with the pictures. There are many other examples, such as with the help of the micro-telescope, the scientists find out the micro-world and tell us that the world consists of the separate micro-matter, based on this theory scientists discover the consists（constitution） of the DNA and reduce the rate of the abnormal gene. In the history, the theory that the center of the university is sun not the earth is the first found out by Galileo. At that time, he happened to calculate out some minute-different dates with the theory and decide to take into research, which is the beginning for human being to probe into the university. 讲了很多例子，但是几乎没有organization.只有一大堆phenomenon是不够的， phenomenon是用来justify你的idea的。要不然人家怎么知道你要表达的意思呢？还有，到这里已经有两次了，consist/constitution和different/difference，一定要注意。例子的种类程度都不是最重要的，关键是它要effectively support论点，当然，论点清晰的重要性不言而喻。

In the field of art, people may have the same feeling that when watching two pictures or sculptures by the same artist. But if the critics tell out some small pieces of the factual information, such as the distinct period or different mode, people looking at the pictures and sculptures again must have the different feeling from former opinions and know better the meaning of the artists. Actually many artists in the different period, situation and statue, there are many different ideals in their works and those ideals must only through the small pieces to inform them out.

When talking about people today's life, it is more clearly. Because of technology, people's lives have been changed greatly and people have many other aims besides food and clothing. To know the tend（tendency，又一个） of the society, where to know the tend of the society, the effective political leaders always find out them form the small pieces of fact and then make a wise decision.

In sum, only through find（词性不对） available small pieces of factual information, people can attention（词性不对） to the larger issues and overall perspectives. That is to say before attending on the larger issues and overall perspectives people must focus on some important small pieces of factual information.

一定程度上flawed，例子很多，但是最关键的论述却没有。根本没有支持pieces of factual information conduce to better apprehension of the overall … 这样的话就很麻烦了，4分八成是没戏的。人家提出了piece和overall的对立，中间的关系是要你来补足的，但是你却提出了一大堆例子让人家来summarize，这怎么可以呢？至少应该说一说怎么样conduce to the better apprehension. 人家要看的就是这里的分析啊。

评语可能很dismay的，不要因此太郁闷哦。

glidingshUID: 110700

谢谢你
呵呵 你说得很到位的
我觉得我写文章就是这方面死都不长进
呜呜
我要仔仔细细研究一下你说的话