新GRE argument 24，第一次练习，求高人指点

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题目：
    A recently issued twenty-year study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia investigated the possible therapeutic effect of consuming salicylates. Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin， a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates， food-processing companies also add salicylates to foods as preservatives. The twenty-year study found a correlation between the rise in the commercial use of salicylates and a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by study participants. At the time when the study concluded， food-processing companies had just discovered that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods， and， as a result， many companies plan to do so. Based on these study results， some health experts predict that residents of Mentia will suffer even fewer headaches in the future.
    Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

作文：
In this argument, the author predicts thatthe residents of Mentia will suffer fewer headaches, for more salicylates willbe used as additives for food. To illustrate this, the author argues thatsalicylates is of the same kind as aspirin and cites a recent study showing thecorrelation between commercial use of salicylates and a steady decline in theaverage number of headaches reported by study participants. However, theauthor's prediction is not as grounded as it seems, he or she fails to provideenough information for the argument.
To begin with, the evidence provided thatsalicylates belongs to the same chemical family as aspirin doesn't lend scantsupport to the effectiveness in treating headaches, particularly the residentsof Mentia. Although salicylates may be similar to aspirin in some chemicalproperties, these two medicine can still differ in medical use, just asgraphite and diamond, which subordinate to the carbon family but have differentphysical properties and are applied to distinctive use. Moreover, there aremany reasons accounting for the headaches Mentia residents suffer, like thepolluted air or unhealthy way of living, for example always staying up late atnight. Without ruling all these possibilities, the author cannot convince methat the salicylates are the right treatment for headaches.
Additionally, there are some vitalshortcomings in the study mentioned by author, which seriously compromise itsvalidity. Firstly, since many food have already contained salicylates, theresearcher should conduct the experiment on two groups of people, one grouphave salicylate-contained food while the other have food containing nosalicylates at all. In this way, one can clearly observe whether salicylatesreally treat headaches or not. Besides, the author didn't provide sufficientinformation about the decline in reported number of headaches. It is quitepossible that not all the participants report their headaches. In order toreach reliable conclusion, the researchers should take measures to refine theexperiment.
Finally, even if salicylates really cancure headache, it doesn't necessarily require more salicylates added into food.For one thing, many foods are naturally rich in salicylates as the authormentioned; for the other thing, it is quite possible that a slight amount ofsalicylates may work properly on headaches, while the overdose of salicylatesmay create undesirable side-effect on human body. Without showing enoughevidence that how much precisely salicylates can work on headache, one cannotmake hasty prediction that the more salicylates, the fewer headaches.
From the reasons discussed above, theauthor may not see the results as predicted, unless more information aboutsalicylates's chemical properties, effectiveness as a medicine and improvementin the experiment can be made. In order to evaluate the predicted results, allthese questions should be answered.

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A recently issued twenty-year study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia investigated the possible therapeutic effect of consuming salicylates. Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin， a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates， food-processing companies also add salicylates to foods as preservatives. The twenty-year study found a correlation between the rise in the commercial use of salicylates and a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by study participants. At the time when the study concluded， food-processing companies had just discovered that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods， and， as a result， many companies plan to do so. Based on these study results， some health experts predict that residents of Mentia will suffer even fewer headaches in the future.

    Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

作文：
In this argument, the author predicts 【不是author说的，是some health experts预计的】thatthe residents of Mentia will suffer fewer headaches, for more salicylates willbe used as additives for food. 【这句话作为conclusion的句子，你遗漏了一个很关键的信息，题目的第一句话，从而导致文章的逻辑关系出现问题。居民们将不再受头痛困扰的主要原因是因为添加了更多的salicylate在食物中吗？这显然不是论断关系。主要原因是因为根据实验表明salicylate能够有效治疗M居民的头痛。将salicylate添加进食物中只是一种手段而已。】To illustrate 【这里用illustrate感觉倾向性不是很明确，illustrate有点客观说明味道。最好用strengthen或者support这类带有明显倾向的词】this, the author argues thatsalicylates is of the same kind as aspirin 【salicylate and aspirin, which is known as an sufficient medicine for headaches, are from the same chamical family.文章没有提及两者相似。同族不代表相似。石墨和精钢石是同一种元素，性质完全不相似。】and cites 【蓝色两个动词重复了，同一动作并列关系，没必要两个动词。】a recent study showing thecorrelation between commercial use of salicylates and a steady decline in theaverage number of headaches reported by study participants. 【照抄这么大段最好适当改改】However,【in details,】 the author's prediction is not as grounded as it seems, he or she fails to provide enough information 【evidence】for the argument.【fails to provide enough evidence to make the argument substantial.】【从手段可以看出，LZ在文章的思路上还存在着一些混乱，而且带入了不少主观意念，不过第一次能写成这样也很不容易了，比不少人强。开头有点北美范文的模板味呢。】

To begin with, the evidence provided that salicylates 【which】 belongs to the same chemical family as aspirin doesn't lend scant support to the effectiveness in treating headaches, particularly the residentsof Mentia.【总起句很像样子】 Although 【even though】salicylates may be similar to aspirin in some chemical properties, these two medicine can still differ in medical use, just as graphite and diamond, which subordinate to the carbon family but have different physical properties and are applied to distinctive use.【我觉得这里最好加一句，直接点明：aspirin能够治疗头痛不代表salicylate同样能有效治疗头痛。】 Moreover, there are many reasons accounting for the headaches Mentia residents suffer, like the polluted air or unhealthy way of living, for example always staying up late atnight. 【这句话用意何在？】Without ruling all these possibilities, the author cannot convince methat the salicylates are the right treatment for headaches.

Additionally, there are some vital short comings in the study mentioned by author, which seriously compromise its validity. Firstly, since many food have already contained salicylates,【此处欠缺一个连接，为什么要进行对照试验？食物中含有salicylate有什么问题？你要直接点出来，两部分之间缺少衔接。】 the researcher should conduct the experiment on two groups of people, one grouphave salicylate-contained food while the other have food containing nosalicylates at all.
In this way, one can clearly observe whether salicylates really treat headaches or not. Besides, the author didn't provide sufficient information about the decline in reported number of headaches. It is quite possible that not all the participants report their headaches.【关于reporter这个部分，我觉得decline in the average这个信息很重要，不一定对所有人都有效果，可能有很大一部分人起到反效果的之类。或者，被实验者是因为实验环境或者试验中其他辅助因素才不会头痛之类的。虚报我觉得说服力不是很强。】 In order to reach reliable conclusion, the researchers should take measures to refine theexperiment.

Finally, even if salicylates really can cure headache, it doesn't 【does not】necessarily require more salicylates added into food.For one thing, many foods are naturally rich in salicylates as the author mentioned; 【感觉这句话没有任何意义。直接说就算salicylate真的有作用，添加过多可能起到反效果就好了。】for the other thing, it is quite possible that a slight amount of salicylates may work properly on headaches, while the over dose of salicylatesmay create undesirable side-effect on human body. Without showing enoughevidence that how much precisely salicylates can work on headache, one cannotmake hasty prediction that the more salicylates, the fewer headaches.【你忽略了一个比较重要的点。salicylate的成分在被修改，从防腐剂成了调味料。修改了成分之后salicylate还能否发挥作用这个不得而知的，因为study已经结束了，没有经过进一步的测试。就算之前能起到效果，但是现在就不一定了。】

From the reasons discussed above, theauthor may not see the results as predicted, unless more information aboutsalicylates's chemical properties, effectiveness as a medicine and improvementin the experiment can be made. In order to evaluate the predicted results, allthese questions should be answered.

加油！

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2# 咖啡盐 谢谢大侠相助，感激涕零~~加个好友吧