求各位大侠改一下作文，并给小弟打个分，下个月就要考试了

司马忆云UID: 2773493

Make Friend with Intelligent Persons
With enormous characteristics obtained by my friends, I treasure intelligence most, which make a profound person and lead him or her to be succeed, while some people may boast their other characteristics, for example, humor. Intelligence is a gift given by gold contributes a profound, confident and successful person who I prefer to make friend with.

First and foremost, intelligence makes people profound, with the promotion of the ration and improvement of the range of knowledge. A person with high intelligence is able to have batter understanding of academy and grasp the valuable points of nature rules easily. They may have a deep insight for things in the world which lead to the solutions for the problem, paling the benefits of humor. In other hand, it is the intelligence that enhances the quality of a humor. It is easy to imagine that a person without intelligence can only make up a low-classic joke instead of a noble and meaningful joke offered by an intelligent man.

Second, confidence derives from a person’s intelligence. Take one of my friends who is intelligent for example. Every time I come into this friend, smiling is always on his face expressing the confidence inside. He is a intelligent person. When he get into a trouble, firstly he will figure out the reasons of the problem, then break down the whole staff into several factors, finally easily find a means getting rip off the situation. During all the process, smiling accompanying him while I may be very upset if I get into that terrible trouble.

All the factors given by the intelligence of a person build the basement of being successful and bring specific profits to his friends. As mentioned friend above, he is the most successful friend in all of my friends. Since he graduated from the university entering the work force, he have went through many hinders during his career. And his ability of solving problem caught his supervisor’s attention and his co-workers appreciation soon, so he got a quick promotion.

In sum, persons with intelligence owning many high-quality characteristics who I would like to make friend with and learn from them.

司马忆云UID: 2773493

大虾们，帮个忙啊

蜥蜴也飞UID: 2894889

Make Friend with Intelligent Persons

With enormous characteristics obtained by my friends, I treasure intelligence most, which make a profound person and lead him or her to be succeed, while some people may boast their other characteristics, 这一句好长啊，改一下吧。which后面还有while神马的个人感觉看着不是很顺。for example, humor. Intelligence is a gift given by gold contributes a profound, confident and successful换 person who I prefer to make friend with.

First and foremost, intelligence makes people profound, with the promotion of the ration and improvement of the range of knowledge. A person 可以用一个定从 whowith high intelligence is able to have batter understanding of academy and grasp the valuable points of nature rules easily. They may have a deep insight for things in the world which lead to the solutions for the problem, paling the benefits of humor. In the other hand, it is the intelligence that enhances the quality of a humor. 这两句话不要抖itis开头吧It is easy to imagine that a person without intelligence can only make up a low-classic joke instead of a noble and meaningful joke offered by an intelligent man.

Second, confidence derives from a person’s intelligence. Take one of my friends who is intelligent for example. Every time I come into this friend, smiling is always on his face expressing the confidence inside. He is a intelligent person. When he get into a trouble, firstly 换he will figure out the reasons of the problem, then break down the whole staff into several factors, finally easily find a means getting rip off the situation. During all the process, smiling accompanying him while I may be very upset if I get into that terrible trouble.

All the factors given by the intelligence of a person build the basement of being successful and bring specific profits to his friends. As mentioned friend删 above, he is the most successful friend in all of my friends.换句型 Since he graduated from the university entering the work force, he have went through many hinders during his career. And his ability of solving problem caught his supervisor’s attention and his co-workers appreciation soon, so he got a quick promotion. and开头so结尾有点中国话。试着重组下。
In sum, persons with intelligence owning many high-quality characteristics who I would like to make friend with and learn from them.
个人简介，改的也不是很仔细，总的来说写的比较具体，句型也比较多样，就是在写的时候注意句子开头的表达，还有一些高级词语的替换。
祝好！

司马忆云UID: 2773493

谢谢了，大虾，像我这样的作文一般能得几分啊

MonocolUID: 2931545

Make Friend with Intelligent Persons
With enormous
这个词会不会夸张了点characteristics obtained by my friends, I treasure intelligence most, which make a profound person(?) and lead him or her to be succeed, while some people may boast their other characteristics, 这一句好长啊，改一下吧。which后面还有while神马的个人感觉看着不是很顺。同意for example, humor. Intelligence is a gift given by gold contributes a profound, confident and successful换 person who I prefer to make friend with.
个人觉得这句话没有必要写得这么绕，given by gold没看懂；这句话前面有intelligence is...后面还有contributes... 哪个是谓语？


First and foremost, intelligence makes people profound, with the promotion of the ration and improvement of the range of knowledge. A person 可以用一个定从 whowith high intelligence is able to have batter understanding of academy and grasp the valuable points of nature rules easily. They may have a deep insight for things in the world which lead to the solutions for the problem, paling the benefits of humor. In the other hand, it is the intelligence that enhances the quality of a humor. 这两句话不要抖it is开头吧It is easy to imagine that a person without intelligence can only make up a low-classic joke instead of a noble and meaningful joke offered by an intelligent man.
除了最后一句以外，这段并没有重点说intelligence和make friends有什么关系；而最后一句说的是幽默，那为什么不说幽默是朋友最重要的品质呢？

Second, confidence derives from a person’s intelligence. Take one of my friends who is intelligent for example. Every time I come into this friend, smiling (smile) is always on his face expressing the confidence inside. He is a intelligent person. When he get into a trouble, firstly
换he will figure out the reasons of the problem, then break down the whole staff into several factors, finally easily find a means getting rip off the situation. During all the process, smiling accompanying (注意语法) him while I may be very upset if I get into that terrible trouble (你可以说而别人遇到问题的时候都会不知所措，不要说自己，这事还没发生呢)(扣题啊楼主……作文的要求是说为什么和聪明的人做朋友吗？)



All the factors given by the intelligence of a person build the basement of being successful and bring (需要前后一致吗) specific profits to his friends. As mentioned friend删
above, he is the most successful friend in all of my friends.换句型 Since he graduated from the university entering(前面不需要任何标点或者连词吗) the work force, he have went through many hinders(I think "hinder" is not a noun..By the way, how these relate to "successful"?) during his career. And his ability of solving problem caught his supervisor’s attention and his co-workers appreciation soon, so he got a quick promotion. and开头so结尾有点中国话。试着重组下。
In sum, persons with intelligence owning many high-quality characteristics who I would like to make friend with and learn from them.  这句话没有谓语
个人简介，改的也不是很仔细，总的来说写的比较具体，句型也比较多样，就是在写的时候注意句子开头的表达，还有一些高级词语的替换。
祝好！

红色的是楼上同学的批注，蓝色的是我的；给楼主提几点意见：
1. 扣题  应该把文章的要求发上来，这样大家才能根据要求给你提意见；我看了一下觉得要求是"Do you agree with the following statement? intelligence is the most important character of a good friend."之类的，所以我是根据这个来给你评的（不对的话就无视我吧）
  不过就算不对的话，楼主每一段说的东西都是散的，没有和其它段落一起起到支撑一个主题的作用。
  楼主说intelligence可以让人更好理解问题，更幽默，更自信。那我也可以说intelligence让人很孤傲，很难以理解（sheldon）---我想说的是楼主把intelligence的作用列出来了，那和你的主题有什么关系呢？ 把你的分析列出来，这个很重要：因为聪明的人能更好处理事情，能提高团队的效率，能让我看到自己的不足并且帮助我进步……所以我喜欢和他们做朋友？
你辛辛苦苦写了那么多，不说明白的话有时候rater不知道你想说什么
2. 如果楼主想把intelligence的好处写在一个朋友身上，你可以在他第一次出现的时候给他个名字。我看到后来才知道楼主说的是一个人
3. 语法 句子的结构有时候很乱，就容易犯语法错误
4. 字数 字数好像就400出头，能写多点就更好了；如果不能，试着让自己在语言简练的情况下把思想表达清楚。





我没有坏念头…… 希望楼主进步

司马忆云UID: 2773493

谢谢啦