亲爱的战友们~帮帮我啊~

yansibylUID: 3198162

我一月考了一次雅思，总分6但是写作只有4.5，不知道问题出在哪里，大家看一下我的文章，看看我是不是结构什么的有致命伤，谢谢大家了！真的很着急~

题目是富国帮穷国，有的人认为好，有人的认为不好，你觉得呢？

The expand of the gap between wealthy nations and poor nations over the past decade has impelled rich countries aiding poor countries in terms of education, infrastructure and so on. But still, some people argue that this would cause more issues about poor nations. Yet, as for me, I’m inclining to favor of the latter opinion.

International financial assistance, in my opinion, is do helpful in the area of education especially for teenagers. Those who around the age of 6 to 18 are at an appropriate time of acquiring knowledge, then, with the fund from developed countries, student’s enthusiasm about study may be rekindled. And then, in the future, they would be the strongest power of the country. Additionally, these aids helps to save lives in needy countries as in these country, many people are suffering from starvation and poverty.

Still, it should be pointed that international aids are not without its downside. It is not uncommon for some places and countries that they only rely on the assistance instead of develop domestic corporations as well as boost international trade with other countries. Further, the financial from rich countries may causes some new problems, in other words, the aid may not be put to good use. For instance, the higher rate of corruption, more weapons, etc.

So my conclusion is that in spite of advantages that aids could bring to poor countries, the drawbacks still outweigh the merits. Thus, it should be cut down on if not stopped completely.

wrathUID: 2704440

小问题若干  用词 语法 拼写 词性  中式思维等等

Improvements in health , education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations . However , the government of richer nations should take more responsibility for the poorer nations in such area .
To what extent do you agree or disagree with the opinion ?


注意解题   就是问富国是否该帮助穷国在这些领域

描写重点应该是 这么做 给双方带来的积极 消极的 影响

要全面地概括影响 然后举一个方面简单谈一谈

第二段不应该只描写对teenager 的影响   

注意段落之间的衔接   结尾要扣题

个人观点仅供参考

neochenyaoUID: 2944251

LS的这个软件貌似灰常有用啊～叫什么啊

yansibylUID: 3198162

谢谢啦~~~ 1# yansibyl