issue93 （revised by dreamflyer and gambell）

angle123UID: 105697

请大家也提提写法上的建议


"The concept of individual responsibility is a necessary fiction. Although the society muct hold individuals accountable for the their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."

Nowadays, people are connected with each other more and more tightly and people's behaviors are therefore restricted by other people or the society to some extent. Hence, some people claim that people should not be responsible for their actions. To my perspective, although people's behaviors are largely determined by the forces of the society not of their making, people should also be accountable for their behaviors.

We must admit that people's behaviors are influenced by the forces of the outside world to a great extent. We all live in the society, and are all under the coverage of its culture always. And gradually, we will accept the values and the judgements of the culture as true and regard them as the basis of our opnions toward the world. While people's behaviors are guided by their opinions tomards the world, so the forces of the society influence our actions finally. For example, one who lives in a society which favors battle and fight, will become aggressive; one who lives in a society which favors peace, might condemed the contry or person who offends another country or person. What is more, people's behavior is also be greatly influenced by their families. A person, may go to hate the whole society if his parents do not care him; to the contray, a child will go to love the whole world if he is loved by his parents and begin to help others. In a word, the behaviors of the individuals, are lagely be determined bt the forces of the outside world.

Many problems, mo matter social or political, are caused by the lack of individual responsibility. Many people, deeply influenced by the forces of the society, do things under the guidence of their  emotions only and pay little attention to the interests of other people. And when their interests confict with interests of others, they usually do not hesitate to meet their own interests. With these going on, murder, rob and corruption appear. And criminalities harm the stability of the society. For  example, some politicians, in order to win in the election, receive fund from some corporations and give some previliges to the them.However, it violates the fairness and harm the interests of the publlic. What is more, it might motivate the public to discredit the politics. The decline in the voter rate in America is a sound example. When the scandal of Nixon was exposed to the public, a great number of people begin to discredit to the politics in America. A study held by the Times after the event revesaled people are discontent  with the politics and felt them are cheated by the politicians. Considering the great harm of the lack of individual responsibility, it necessary that everyone in our society should take resposibility for the society.

In sum, although the behaviors are largely determined by the force of the society, the individuals should be responsible for what they do. And by doing these, we can make the society in order and stable.

dreamflyerUID: 21967

angle是限时写的吧？如果保持水准的话应该没问题啦。
第二段里的go to hate/love这样的用法不大好，可是怎么改，我也想不到：P
第三段的观点很不错，例子也好。
就是没有写成标准的五段式，因为我还没看到这道题（5555555，我还有一大半题没看），暂时没有新的建议，抱歉了：P

gambellUID: 122696

Nowadays, people are connected with each other more and more tightly and people's behaviors are therefore restricted by other people or the society to some extent. Hence, some people claim that people should not be responsible for their actions. To my perspective, although people's behaviors are largely determined by the forces of the society not of their making, people should also be accountable for their behaviors.
我觉得这种开头有点像模板，你写的看起来有点罗嗦，简洁一点，往后面多落点笔墨更实际
有几个地方的people反复用，有点重复

We must admit that people's behaviors are influenced by the forces of the outside world to a great extent. We all live in the society, and are all under the coverage of its culture always. And gradually, we will accept the values and the judgments of the culture as true and regard them as the basis of our opinions toward the world. While people's behaviors are guided by their opinions towards the world, so the forces of the society influence our actions finally. For example, one who lives in a society, which favors battle and fight, will become aggressive; one who lives in a society, which favors peace, might condemn the country or person who offends another country or person. What is more, people's behavior is also be greatly influenced by their families. A person may go to hate the whole society if his parents do not care him; to the contrary, a child will go to love the whole world if he is loved by his parents and begin to help others. In a word, the behaviors of the individuals, are largely be determined by the forces of the outside world.
感觉例子和说理有些脱离，没有能够自圆其说，使得例子有着明显的漏洞，难道缺少家庭温暖的人就不会因为这样而更多的爱别人？（应该掰一下好一点）感觉有以偏概全的嫌疑，即使例子不好，最好能够穿插说理，扭一扭意思。

Many problems, mo matter social or political, are caused by the lack of individual responsibility. Many people, deeply influenced by the forces of the society, do things under the guidance of their emotions only and pay little attention to the interests of other people. And when their interests conflict with interests of others, they usually do not hesitate to meet their own interests. With these going on, murder, rob and corruption appear. And criminalities harm the stability of the society. For example, some politicians, in order to win in the election, receive fund from some corporations and give some privileges to them. However, it violates the fairness and harm the interests of the public. What is more, it might motivate the public to discredit the politics. The decline in the voter rate in America is a sound example. When the scandal of Nixon was exposed to the public, a great number of people begin to discredit to the politics in America. A study held by the Times after the event revealed people are discontent with the politics and felt them are cheated by the politicians. Considering the great harm of the lack of individual responsibility, it necessary that everyone in our society should take responsibility for the society.
个人观点：individual responsibility 还应该从个人的角度阐释为什么即使收到外界的引导而仍然要负责，如果没理解错，你是在从外界的要求来讨论，感觉上更像social responsibility或者external force, 这样论述好像对人有点不公平，我觉得如果后面能再加一段来重点讲，这一段作为过渡，就非常好了，比如说人还是有主观因素作用于其中，个人的行为遭来外界的不好影响，使得他们也还是要负责。

个人意见，说的不好就骂吧
帮你在word里面改了点错，好少，拼写不错嘛

In sum, although the behaviors are largely determined by the force of the society, the individuals should be responsible for what they do. And by doing these, we can make the society in order and stable.

改的过程中停了电，晚来了。总体来说就是觉得论证力度上差了，语言其实要注意不要用太多重复的词，感觉有点冗余。

加油了…………………