【Daily Writing】作文帖 谢谢鼓励~please pray for me.

Arthur2012UID: 3275426

谢谢你的修改，已回改

originalsinUID: 3072724

已改

ilovevickyUID: 2937658

18# originalsin

4月7日 110415 comparing to hiring famous teachers, school should pay more attention to improve facilities.
设施在对学生教育方面的重要地位→ 设施对学校本身的潜在的影响→过渡，引入和老师对比 →总结

Currently, there is a growing number of people in contention for which is rather seminal好词学习了for a school, famous teacher or advanced facilities. I insist that the advantages of better facilities are over those of the famous teachers to schools. I will summarize the reasons to three general points.

First of all, there is no doubt that excellent facilities would be the foundation of whole school to operate properly. The famous teachers only act as the decorations of a skyscraper, while the facilities are the footstone of it. 这句比喻不错，但是感觉老师也挺重要的，你这里说的好像老师像花架子一样。有点绝对化。How can a skyscraper function well without well-established foundation stone? For example, there is a single school in a remote town named Hailin which located in eastern China. However, it is roughly regarded as a school: the only teacher there has to teach at most 50 students, ranging from 6 to 15 years-old, owing to the fact that there is barely one classroom. Apparently, with such low-quality facilities available there, how can we claim that famous teachers overweigh better facilities for the students?
我觉得这里说服性不强，最好你能强调一下那里的老师非常出色，但即使这样没有好设备仍旧不起作用。否则我会感觉是乡村老师自己水平不够。
In addition, better facilities may advance the schools’ interests. For example, in the same region, a school with better facilities we call it NO.1 middle school, as well as a school with ordinary facilities we name it NO.2 middle school.
In that case, more outstanding students would go to the former school instead of the latter one. Thus, it may directly have an influence on the reputation of both schools, even relates to how many companies the schools can persuade to fund them. In accordance to that, a latent circulation will be formed: better facilities, better reputation, more funds, and then more money can be utilized to superior facilities and vice versa. Evidently, the facilities do possess a critical place in the advancement of the school.
这段不错
I’ve shown the strong effects that facilities have on each school. Eventually, I will focus on how better facilities are conducive to 学习了more famous teachers rather than the opposite. In fact, this maybe the key issue of the whole debate. Whereas now it becomes much clear to explain. With improved facilities absolutely including the labs which possess advanced equipment plus well- decorated indoor conditions, say the imperative telescopes for an astronomy project or sufficient funds for variety of projects like a social project on how do we learn to master our mother tongue, nothing can’t be provided by the better facilities school. Those excellent facilities which do facilitate to conduct a successful experiment certainly will become an inviting lure for any famous teachers. Anyway, those schools commonly can afford higher salaries for the famous teachers as well. Both in academic and physical aspects can an improved facilities school cater to the famous teachers’ needs; none would like to reject such a superb job.

As mentioned above, all the analysis confirms a remarkable conclusion that the schools should pay more attention to improve facilities.
总体楼主写得不错，就是有时候观点还是需要论证更严密些。加油哈！！！

cherish2332UID: 3135428

我非常不确定跑题了没有！
但是实在写不出了。。。
TAT
还有，到底字数是怎么要求的，底线的是多少，我忘了--！
谢谢~

4月9日1100430do you agree or disagree with the following statement it is important to knowabout what is happening around the world, even if it doesn’t affect your personal lives.

总结一记：
1.词：感情强弱不同用词应该有所倾向
2.逻辑：尽量避开交叉的点，或者干脆由此引入深层讨论。不要绕回去
3.加油！


谢谢kontong, 可他媽學點習吧, ilovevicky


下附修改后的，欢迎再指正~


PS:之后帮我修改的直接载那个修改后的好了~谢谢啦~

cherish2332UID: 3135428

16# Igoon

谢谢~我的句子确实表述很纠结啊啊啊TAT

cherish2332UID: 3135428

18# originalsin

谢谢，慢点去看。。。我会回改的，等我~

cherish2332UID: 3135428

19# ilovevicky

多谢~例子我慢点去改，你说的很有理~

可他媽學點習吧UID: 3275783

20# cherish2332 要求300字，但一般都至少飚到350以上，400多的比比皆是，也有能寫到500的，據說字數和分數相對成正比，但是不排除能寫很多字的人的水平也不差。

P.S. 明天幫你改今天寫的

cherish2332UID: 3135428

23# 可他媽學點習吧


谢谢~明天帮你改+10086~

kantongUID: 3290098

Currently,there is a growing number of people in contention for whether keeping informed with what is happening around the world plays an essential role in our personal lives. Indeed, that (应该用it来做代主语，代替to know it)
is not so crucial for me to know it.




First of all, to be honest, ( 应该去掉, 因为后面所说的是fact) too many things are happening in the world, even at the same minute, (应该去掉, 因为后面所说的是fact. 另外, 改为； 或者前一个分句加上连词。) I don't think one has sufficient time to keep informed of them. For instance, there are thousands kinds of newspapers available all over the world, I truly doubt how can one know such a large amount of information in limited 24 hours a day? Those may be real events like the preparations for 2012Olympic Games, or mere trivia say Jim died last Sunday. Though the news has selected by various media, it would be a difficult task to browse as well.


In addition, I truly insist that it is useless to know those things all over the world. They are rather barely several sentences than anything else to me. For example, the ongoing NBA which is held in U.S, I'm not a big fan of basketball,such news makes no sense for me. On the other hand, though the thing is related to me, like the ascending of international oil price, there is still nothing I can do to change it. The only thing I can do is that(to) prepare enough money and wait it occurs tome (to occur). Now that it is insignificant for me, I can’t persuade me (myself) to pay attention to what is happening in the world.


Eventually,the events originated from all over the world may including (include) the ones which make me upset. I do not benefit from them, on the opposite, those pieces of news may easily have a negative effect on me, say, disappointed to the whole so-called developed world, even may make me feel meaningless to live in the world. What’s worse, I commonly cost (it costs me) a longtime to revive from those terrible moods. Once, I watched TV and knew that there were hundreds of thousands of children died own to poverty, starvation or illness in Africa. I clearly remembered the poor children peered at the shot, were so eager to live with enough money, sufficient food. However, I could do nothing. I was so guilty that I truly doubt (最好换个词，1避免重复，2 doubt的感情好像不够强烈) the meaning of the existence of the community. Without assisting those poverty regions, only concerned about their own interests, like how to get the most resources from those poor areas in the least cost. (缺少主语) Therefore,I am often desperate to
(will be desperate about)the world once I know that kind of news. I prefer to isolate from those kinds(单复数应保持前后一致) of unhappy news, owing to the fact that I can do nothing to shift the world.


Obviously,the perspectives above all confirm a remarkable conclusion that it is not important for me to knowing
(know)
what is happening around the world.

---------------------------------------

这里是我的作业。多谢

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1354824&page=1&extra=#pid1775878114

cherish2332UID: 3135428

25# kantong

谢谢，我晚点去看~

可他媽學點習吧UID: 3275783

19# cherish2332 已改~ Apr.9.cherish2332.doc (31 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2012-4-10 15:27:51 上传

下载次数: 1

ilovevickyUID: 2937658

4月9日1100430 do you agree or disagree with the following statement it is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn’t affect your personal lives.

Currently, there is (are) a growing number of people in contention for whether keeping informed with what is happening around the world plays an essential role in our personal lives. Indeed, in my opinion, the disadvantages of acquiring those prevail over its advantages. I will describe the reasons to three general points.

First of all, it wastes us plenty of time to know about the cosmopolitan incidents. There is no doubt that too many things simultaneously occur in the world even at present. I don't believe one has sufficient time to keep informed of them. For instance, there are thousands kinds of newspapers available all over the world, I truly doubt how can one know such a considerable amount of information in limited 24 hours a day? Those may be real events like the preparations for 2012 Olympic Games, or mere trivia say Jim died last Sunday. Though the news has selected by various media, it would still be a difficult task to browse (all the news) as well.
这段论证得不错。
In addition, since others supposed pieces of news are rather barely several sentences than anything else to me, I strictly insist it is useless to know them. For example, the ongoing NBA which is held in U.S, I'm not a big fan of basketball, such news makes no sense for me. On the other hand, though the thing is related to me, like the ascending of international oil price, there is still nothing I can do to change it. The only thing I can do is to prepare enough money and wait it to occur. Now that it is insignificant for me, I can’t persuade myself to pay attention to what is happening in the world.
用词很不错，句型也多样。学习了。
Eventually, I do not benefit from the events which make me upset are originated from （去掉）all over the world, on the opposite, those pieces of news may easily have a negative effect on me. Say, disappointed to the whole so-called developed world, even may make me feel meaningless to live in the world. What’s worse, it commonly takes a long time for me to revive from those terrible moods. Once, I watched TV and knew that there were hundreds of thousands of children died own to poverty, starvation or illness in Africa. I clearly remembered the poor children peered at the shot, were so eager to live with enough money, sufficient food. However, I could do nothing. I was so guilty that I began to strongly suspect the meaning of the existence of the community. Without assisting those poverty regions, a majority of countries only concerned about their own interests, like how to get the most resources from those poor areas in the least cost. Therefore, a desperate sadness enveloped me once I knew that kind of news. I prefer to isolate from those kinds of unhappy news, owing to the fact that I can do nothing to shift the world.
这段角度很好，就是表明关注时事会让你陷入负面情绪，但是我觉得你要多强调你是多么地崩溃，强调时事带给你的负面影响，否则写着写着有可能与上一段的分论点重合，即“时事无法被你改变”。
Obviously, the perspectives above all confirm a remarkable conclusion that it is not important for me to center on what is happening around the world.
楼主的作文很有进步哎，用词也很棒，传授下经验呗。。。。。。

青鱼UID: 3287008

谢谢修改啊亲~不过这两天我赶论文，明天见导师。实在没时间，明天过后再帮你详细改~sorry啦

cherish2332UID: 3135428

27# 可他媽學點習吧

我会告诉你eventually之后的是我的真实感受嘛！TAT谢谢亲~