【Daily Writing】作文帖 谢谢鼓励~please pray for me.

cherish2332UID: 3135428

4.14考试，这临时抱佛脚抱的太太太明显了TAT
跪求各位有空的能帮我改的就多改几篇吧.....
谢谢！
本      页1L 3.24
本      页2L TPO8
本      页3L 4.7 110415 comparing to hiring famous teachers, school should pay more attention to improve facilities.$ x/ ]- p+ t0 \6 J6 e
第二页19L 4.9 1100430 do you agree or disagree with the following statement it is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn’t affect your personal lives.
第四页35L 4.10 110625 do you agree or disagree with the following statement it is more enjoyable to buy a new technological device when it becomes available than wait until many people have owned it5 {5 b1 @! y! ^
第四页38L 4.11 101211 do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People think it is more enjoyable to work three days a week for long time than work five days a week for shorter time




3.24

To make children do well in school, parents shouldlimit the hours that children spend on watching TV or movies?

cherish2332UID: 3135428

我不顶一顶是么会沉下去了。。。囧

cherish2332UID: 3135428

TPO8


Television advertising directed towards theyoung children should not allowed.

cherish2332UID: 3135428

前面贴错了。。。。
4.7 是这个
4月7日 110415 comparing to hiring famous teachers, school should pay moreattention to improve facilities.


4.7总结一记：
1.词：没有检查，小错误比较多，诸如单复数conditions，词性evident，主被动 is illustrated问题。
        连接词有错用的情况--！
2.短语：用法搭配不够清晰明确，be conducive to, cater to, pay attention to。
3.句子：逗号出现过多，句子层次不清晰，不要忘记断句+ 句子表达多元化ranging from......
4.综合：表达累赘，尽量精简表达，最求的是simple & smart. 尤其第一个例子的陈述。
5.逻辑：全文逻辑不够清楚，会让人不明所以。没有在各段首句明确段意。直接表明观点再作后续分析。         
           一二段会有重叠的感觉。
6. 加油吧

--!我快改不动了，逻辑上这样好像要更好一点？
设施在对学生教育方面的重要地位→设施对学校本身的潜在的影响→过渡，引入和老师对比 →总结
但是，我已经改不动了。。。==！



感谢xuguanglong(eric)，秋雨荆州(liquid)，lizhichaols(LincolnScofield),wuyahao159(Yahao) 可他媽學點習吧, Igoon, Arthur2012(faith), originalsin, ilovevicky


下附你们建议之后我的修改版本~欢迎再指正~

xuguanglongUID: 2984639

不好意思  不能上传

4月7日 110415 comparing to hiring famous teachers, school should pay more attention to improve facilities.


Currently, there is a growing number of people in contention for that which should we pay more attention of a school, famous teachers or facilities. I only insist that the advantages of better facilities are over those of the famous teachers to the schools’ part. I will summarize the reasons to three general points.

First of all, there is no doubt that the excellent facilities would be the foundation of whole school to operate properly.  No matter the classrooms, library, teachers’ offices, students’ dormitories even the parking plots all are the primary requirement once you want to build a school. None can deny what I mentioned above. Anyway the famous teachers only act as the decorations of a building, but how can a building function well without the backbone? For example, a remote town named Hailin located in eastern China, the single school in the town(句子有点不通). Maybe roughly regards it as a school, own to the fact that there are at most 50 students there, barely one classroom, one teacher to teach the entire students which(改为 who) ranged from 6 to 15 years-old. Apparently, with such low-quality facilities available there, how can it appeal an exceptional teacher to work there, even someone merely graduated from high school would not prefer there.

In addition, facilities are the simply thing the school even the society can do to assist the students, concerning more about it shows that they try their effort to support the development of education(句子意思没大明白). For example, in the same region, a school with better facilities we call it A, as well as a school with ordinary facilities we name it B, how can B claim that they care more about the students without better condition for the students to study? Thus, which one would the parents and students like to trust that they are(改为and which one is) paying more attention to the students? The answer is evidently(evident). In that case, more outstanding students would go to A rather than B, besides, it may directly have an influence on the reputation of both schools, then it may relate to how many companies they can persuade to fund on them. However, this would be a circulation, better facilities, better reputation, more funds to receive, and then more money can be utilized to (better)the facilities. The crucial position of the facilities is obviously illustrates(illustrated) again.

The strongly(strong effects) effect that the facilities have on each school I’ve showed above, eventually, I will present how can better facilities conducive to more famous teachers rather than famous teachers make contribute to better facilities. In fact, that is quite simple, better facilities including better labs, more fund on projects and so on, no matter the science research which need both equipment such as an astronomy project need a telescope and the fund, or the social project which need a large amount of money (to invest删掉), they（their） school can offer for them, the famous teachers certainly have more opportunities to develop their own projects even guide their students to do. Anyway, those schools commonly can afford higher salaries for the famous teachers, both academic and physical can cater （to）the famous teachers’ need, none would reject such superb job.

As mentioned above, all the analysis confirms a remarkable conclusion that the schools should pay more attention to improve facilities.

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

4# cherish2332

cherish2332UID: 3135428

5# xuguanglong



谢谢谢谢谢谢~

cherish2332UID: 3135428

6# 秋雨荆州
谢谢~
确实文章啰嗦了。。。
我改了再贴，如果有空再帮我看看好哇？感激不尽~

lizhichaolsUID: 3091920

改好啦，加油啊~~~ 已改--LincolnScofield.doc (37 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2012-4-8 14:01:50 上传

下载次数: 3

可他媽學點習吧UID: 3275783

9# cherish2332 在改過的基礎上又試著補充了一些~ Apr.7.cherish2332.doc (33.5 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2012-4-8 15:36:17 上传

下载次数: 4

cherish2332UID: 3135428

10# lizhichaols


确实开头问题的列出换换说法会更好~
谢谢~

cherish2332UID: 3135428

11# wuyahao159

逻辑确实是有漏洞。。。一二段有重叠的感觉。。。
我在想怎么改。。。好无力TAT

cherish2332UID: 3135428

12# 可他媽學點習吧

谢谢谢谢，你看的好仔细！

IgoonUID: 3186152

已改，啊哈