[作文]主观、客观立场问题，附北美题writing求拍砖、讨论、指点思路

cynthialee0923UID: 3240037

我觉得我是正好走到我作文的瓶颈了。虽然才刚开始针对IBT题目写作，但这应该是整个英语写作中积累下来的。


今天写了一道北美11年的题，自己修改作文的时候针对一些问题无比纠结。也是在参考了各种教程无果后希望与版友讨论。


1、T的作文口吻要不要很personal？还是客观一点好呢？有的范文中看到作者会用很多I开头的句子，强调对于自己的选择的主观考虑。书中又提到要尽量名词化，使语气更客观。分析论述客观情况。


2、人称的问题也是我自己思考没能解决的。为了使句子客观，我会刻意使用one作为代词。但是会写we, they, you 的句子。这样是否属于逻辑混乱？


求各位版友、大神讨论、指点。
另附这篇文，希望指出我的思路问题。也求拍砖，定位...不是很清楚自己的水平位置。
谢谢！





11 年11 月19 日 NA
Some jobs can pay highsalaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs payfew salaries but allow employees staying with family and friend. Which job doyou prefer? Why?
(185中有相似的题目high-paying job vs. quality spare time)





Experience tells us that some well-paid job are alsotime-consuming, which means this king of job requires a lot time which couldhave been spend with friends and family. There are probably some advantages inboth sides. But I would choose a job with the lower salary and greater personaltime without hesitation.


Admittedly, a well-paid job could lead to acomfortable life some how. Obviously, a high-paying job could provide you withfinancial security, even big houses and luxury cars. As a result, most younggraduates believe that making a lot of money is a sign of success. Working in abig bank or a large cooperation is what they desire.


However, a busy job does have too many disadvantagesthat outnumber its benefits. For instance, the schedule of a businessman isusually too tight to squashin any arrangement for relax or exercising. Moreover, lacking of communicationwith people be loved could increase the sense of loneliness. Thus, too heavyworkload and too much stress must do harm to one’s health. Indeed, this kind oflife is not comfortable at all. Those busy people stay up late, overwork, andeven bug out.


On the contrary, taking a relatively low-paid jobwith shorter work hours would not let one face those troubles but end up withmore pleasure instead.
(Firstly,)Greater personal time could make lifebalanced and bring more happiness. The most joyful hours that I feel is when Iwas with my friends and family members, people I love and could rely on. I canderive more pleasure from time spending with my family. After all, a milliondollars in the bank won’t make you happy if you didn’t have the time to enjoythese riches with my family.
(可以继续写好处)


Considering all the factors given above, I stronglyprefer a job that allows me to be with my family. Only in this way could I live a more delightful and healthier life.

jiang08UID: 2391146

1，ibt作文基本可以用自己的例子，这是不少作文里面有I的一个原因。但表述方法不要用太多主观的词，不然会有口语化之嫌。
2，我觉得无所谓吧，行文统一就好。我一般建议用we/people

然后说你的这篇作文。首先篇幅太短，帮你看了下才369个单词。
第一段，【There are probably some advantages inboth sides.】 从开头到此处你只说了高薪忙碌的职业，哪儿来的both sides呢？论题的内容不能直接延续到你作文里的。。
第二段，让步，这一段应该围绕高薪工作的好处来说。关于毕业生的那几句跑题了。可以展开生活舒适。
第三段，你在说繁忙工作的坏处，没错。但题目里比较的一方面是高薪的繁忙工作。高薪在这里没有体现。还有低薪又忙碌的工作呢。。。另外bug out是什么意思？
第四段，最后一句可以作为第三段的论点，这样才能把高薪这个关键词tie in到你的论述里面去。

另外展开都太模糊笼统，比如怎样的financial security，和family在一起怎样开心（具体干什么）。
最后说一个观点。我觉得这篇文章如果你能在开头定义一下繁忙，清闲，高薪，低薪。比如低薪清闲是指只够温饱但不用加班。

最后一点是注意一下介词的使用，有若干个语法错误。

cynthialee0923UID: 3240037

2# jiang08

谢谢08！
回头大改一下。我的思维还不直接啊，拐来拐去的逻辑不够清晰。

现在写作速度还不够，字数也就跟不上...我觉得可以先用简单句子写清楚，练习一段时间后再学几个漂亮的表达。

jiang08UID: 2391146

2# jiang08

谢谢08！
回头大改一下。我的思维还不直接啊，拐来拐去的逻辑不够清晰。

现在写作速度还不够，字数也就跟不上...我觉得可以先用简单句子写清楚，练习一段时间后再学几个漂亮的表达。
cynthialee0923 发表于 2012-5-10 13:52

加油！
表达上面，主要是地道的句子结构，不是堆砌meaningless big words，这点注意下就好。