issue114 （plus详细修改意见）

snowman_winterUID: 144511

hehui姐姐我注意了我的问题， 今天新写了一篇，44分钟，还是没有时间修改 可能我打字太慢 麻烦姐姐帮我看看吧

114. "Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place,
but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot
change the condition of humanity."


The condition of humanity are not only be measure by the still existing of war wiolence and poverty with the rapid development of technology.It can be judged by some other measurements as the living condition the health conditon and longevity ect.I agree with what the author recommends in this issue to some extent that technology canchange the condition of humanity in material but can do nothing to change the spirit world of humanity. I argue as the follows.

Technology has profoundly change the basic living condition  of humanity during the recent 100 years. As we can see how rapid this world change sometimes when we wake up in the morning we would find the world different from yesterday, some new skyscrapers have been built where  formerly are barren land, a new park has been constructed for us to have a picnic at weekends,and other new things come into being to make us everyday life more convenient and comfortable.Just make a comparision with what our living standard was one hundrand years ago today we enjoy the advantages technology bring us good health centre, social security, interesting entertainments such as television, internet convenient travelling  and  so on.But one hundrand years ago many of the world population were threatened starvation  desease and nature disaster.Life were not that abundance than of today. How can we say that technology can not change the condition of humanity.

War violence and poverty are the negative apsects of every society which cannot be avoided easily only by technology.The other solutions must be brought in, these headache problems which confused and  bothered humanity for thousands of years should be solved through political power, humanity and all efforts of human beings.For example, the conficts in the Middle East which exists for several decates are caused by many reasons as the religion sovereignty territory and diffenent benefits of the two sides only technology cannot solve this complicated delima but the weapons created by technology help make more and more violence and thus make the wars more fierce than ever.When we come to face the poverty problems in Africa it is another delima which the United Nation are highly concerned with for many years.But why the people there with sufficient nature source cannot be extricated from poverty as the rest of the world have make full use of them Even these days the technology has spread through out the whole world why they still full of starvations and are treatened by AIDS? It is because, in my opinion, they have not extricated them from the  bondage of spirit which is the real reason responsible for their poverty, they do not how to use technology,  they have not awared the importance of education, they are still concern about the religion problems and fight with each other for racial  hatred and they do not know only stay in peace and develop themselves with technology can bring them prosperious and get rid of poverty and illness. It is a pity that technology can basically change material life of humanity but can not help change the spirit which is the real reason for wars violence and poverty.

But we still have to thank technology which gives us a better material life and enable us to have time and engery to think out best solutions about these headache problems. The United Nation has been established after the second world war which indicates that some of us have been awared of these problems we the whole humanity must be united together make our world free of wars violence and poverty. Though we still have a long  way to go but we should hold the truth and confidence that if we never give up endeaver some day we will sure to have a world without wars violence and poverty but peace and serenity.

We should make our world better through the means of technology and conbined it with humanity because it can bring us a prosperious indeed though it can not change our spirit world.

dreamflyerUID: 21967

我的观点是，哪怕你在限时之内没有时间检查，你在限时外也应该学着自己给自己批改。考试的时候很可能留出了时间但你没有自己给自己批改的能力！
你的第一句话就是病句！
The condition of humanity are not only be（有are要be干什么？） measure by the still（ever好点吧，，，） existing of war wiolence（violence） and poverty with the rapid development of technology.It can be judged by some other measurements as the living condition（中间应该有逗号，） the health conditon and longevity ect.（ect这种缩写最好不要出现在正式的作文里。）I agree with what the author recommends in this issue to some extent that technology can（又少了空格）change the condition of humanity in material but can do nothing to change the spirit world of humanity. I argue as the（这个the是不是多余了……？） follows.

Technology has profoundly change the basic living condition of humanity during the recent 100 years. As we can see how rapid this world change sometimes when we wake up in the morning we would find the world different from yesterday, some new skyscrapers have been built where formerly are barren land（唉，这个定语从句觉得语法上有些问题，，不是很确定的说）, a new park has been constructed for us to have a picnic at weekends,and other new things come into being to make us everyday life more convenient and comfortable（这一段描述跟科技的关系，感觉不是很贴）.Just make a comparision with what our living standard was one hundrand years ago today we enjoy the advantages technology bring us good health centre, social security, interesting entertainments such as television, internet convenient travelling and so on.（这句话的结构是混的。）But one hundrand years ago many of the world population were threatened starvation（是不是又少了逗号） desease and nature disaster.Life were not that abundance than of today. How can we say that technology can not change the condition of humanity.（应该是问号吧！）

War violence and poverty are the negative apsects of every society which cannot be avoided easily only by technology.The other solutions must be brought in, these headache problems which confused and bothered humanity for thousands of years should be solved through political power, humanity and all efforts of human beings（这一段写的不错！）.For example, the conficts in the Middle East which exists（单复数问题，exist） for several decates are caused by many reasons as the religion sovereignty（逗号） territory and diffenent benefits of the two sides （这个not不能省略吧……）only technology cannot solve this complicated delima but the weapons created by technology help make more and more violence and thus make the wars more fierce than ever.When we come to face the poverty problems in Africa it is another delima which the United Nation are highly concerned with for many years.But why the people there with sufficient nature source cannot be extricated from poverty as the rest of the world have make（made） full use of them（标点呢？） Even these days the technology has spread through out the whole world why they still full of starvations and are treatened by AIDS? It is because, in my opinion, they have not extricated them from the bondage of spirit which is the real reason responsible for their poverty, they do not （少谓语动词）how to use technology, they have not （been）awared the importance of education, they are still concern about the religion problems and fight with each other for racial hatred and they do not know （that）only stay in peace and develop themselves with technology can bring them prosperious and get rid of poverty and illness. It is a pity that technology can basically change material life of humanity but can not help change the spirit which is the real reason for wars violence and poverty.（这一段开始写的很流畅，写到后面又开始出现问题，而且显得罗嗦。）

But we still have to thank（appreciate） technology which gives us a better material life and enable（单复数，enables） us to have time and engery to think out best solutions about these headache（plagued，这个词范文里经常用） problems. The United Nation has been established after the second world war（二战要大写，中间要有逗号，非限定性定从） which indicates that some of us have been awared of these problems we（？？？） the whole humanity must be united together make our world free of wars（‘） violence and poverty. Though we still have a long way to go but we should hold the truth and confidence that if we never give up endeaver some day we will sure to have a world without wars violence and poverty but peace and serenity.（这一段太中国化了，不太符合ets就事论事的要求，我觉得）

We should make our world better through the means of technology and conbined（你经常and之后的动词跟之前的动词时态什么的不统一） it with humanity because it can bring us a prosperious indeed though it can not change our spirit world.

总体感觉比昨天的要好。但还是有问题。
思路方面，我是不太喜欢这样的写法，不知道其他人怎么看。
建议：哪怕模考，也一定要自己给自己改一次错。经常犯的错误尽量争取不要再犯：标点符号，定语从句的语法bug，and前后谓语动词时态不统一等等。
希望下次有更大进步。

hehuiUID: 134334

谢谢你对我的信任。

进步我就不说了，还是说说问题，让你尽快进步。

一、结构
文章的结构改进了不少，但段落的结构还要改进。
第一个支持段是好的，结构很鲜明：主题句+两种论证方法（排比举例+比较）+分论点总结，这也是GRE比较标准的论证形式。

第二个支持段的思路就有点不合ETS要求了。这点我和楼上的MM看法一样。你基本是按照你的逻辑思维（也是中国化的逻辑）组织的论据，这使论点不突出，你可以尝试下面的段结构，不改变你的例子，相信会使论点更鲜明：

段主题：然而，并不是所有问题都能随科技的发展解决，比如战争和贫穷。  首先，科技不能彻底解决战争，因为战争是个综合性的问题。for example。。中东战争；  同样，科技也不能根除贫穷，因为贫穷从根本上说是人们的认识问题，for example  非洲。。。从上面两点我们可以看出科技虽然可以解决物质问题，但更深层面的精神问题只能靠人们自己解决。

可能我没有完全准确地表达你的意思，但我在这里强调的是这种先综括，再支持，再总结的段结构。

二、的确如dreamflyer说的，你一定要注意语法问题拉，我感觉你的语法不太扎实哦，是不是？

The condition of humanity are not only be measure(should not be measured only,注意only的位置） by the still existing of war wiolence and poverty with the rapid development of technology.It can（should,注意情态动词） be judged by some other measurements as （ such as)the living condition the health conditon and longevity ect.I agree with what the author recommends in this issue to some extent that technology canchange the condition of humanity in material（不如这样：...can change the material condition of human) but can do nothing to change the spirit world of humanity. I argue as the follows.(不要最后一句）

Technology has profoundly change(d) the basic living condition of humanity during the recent 100 years. As we can see how rapid this world change sometimes when we wake up in the morning we would find the world (is) different from yesterday, some new skyscrapers have been built where formerly are barren land(where they are barren land before:首先注意用where引导从句要加主语；其次formerly很少用的，before就可以了）, a new park（这里也用复数把，因为是排比嘛） has been constructed for us to have a picnic at weekends,and other new things （has：时态也要和前面的排比呼应）come into being to make us（ our) everyday life more convenient and comfortable.Just (to)make a comparision with what our living standard was(delete "was") one hundrand years ago (,)today we enjoy the advantages9which) technology bring us (including)good health centre, social security, interesting entertainments such as television, internet convenient travelling and so on.But one hundrand years ago many of the world population were threatened (by 要注意你好象老不分主动、被动哦！）starvation desease and nature disaster.Life were not that（that 不能和后面的 than对应啊） abundance than of today. How can we say that technology can not change the condition of humanity.

War violence and poverty are the negative apsects of every society which cannot be avoided easily only by technology.The（去掉the ) other solutions must be brought in, these headache problems which(had,  因为你后面用了for) confused and bothered humanity for thousands of years should be solved through political power, humanity and all efforts of human beings.For example, the conficts in the Middle East which exists for several decates are caused by many reasons(such注意，已经两次只有as没有such了） as the religion sovereignty territory and diffenent benefits of the two sides only technology cannot solve this complicated delima but the weapons created by technology help make more and more violence and thus make the wars more fierce than ever.When we come to face the poverty（poverty 是名词，你可以说problem of poverty) problems in Africa it is another delima which the United Nation are highly concerned with for many years.But why the people there with sufficient nature(natural) source cannot be extricated from(extricate 这里不应用被动） poverty as the rest of the world have（has) make(made) full use of them Even these days the technology has spread through out the whole world why they still full of starvations and are treatened by AIDS? It is because, in my opinion, they have not extricated them from the bondage of spirit which is the real reason responsible for their poverty, they do not how to use technology, they have not awared the importance of education, they are still concern(ing) about the religion(religious名词和形容词要分清） problems and fight with each other for racial hatred and（断开，又出现了N多and 了：（ they do not know only stay in peace and develop themselves with technology can bring them prosperious （ 名词：property)and get rid of poverty and illness. It is a pity that technology can basically change material life of humanity but can not help change the spirit which is the real reason for wars violence and poverty.

But we still have to thank technology which gives us a better material life and enable us to have time and engery to think out best solutions about these headache problems. The United Nation has been established after the second world war (大写）（，非限定定语从句用，隔开）which indicates that some of us have been awared of these problems we the whole humanity must be united（不应用被动） together（to) make our world free of wars violence and poverty. Though we still have a long way to go but we should hold the truth and confidence that if we never give up (our名词前要冠词）endeaver some day we will (be)sure to have a world without wars(,) violence and poverty but peace and serenity.

We should make our world better through(by means of) the means of technology and conbined(conbine) it with humanity because it can bring us a prosperious(prosperity) indeed though it can not change our spirit world.

下次你先自己检查一下错误，自己总结一下结构问题和其他问题。我觉得很多问题你自己应该可以发现的，同时也为了我们能更准确地评估你的水平。

祝进步！！