[Daily Writing] smsun823的作文贴

smsun823UID: 3355853

感谢秋雨版主的无私奉献和各位考友的帮助，使我这个一直写不出作文的同志终于把自己钉在板凳上，写出了第一篇作文，第二篇......以至于第五篇。感动ing, 一起努力，莫辜负了那白花花的180刀~~~
之后的日子可能要做四部分模考，没有时间再参加批改活动，但是我还会一直写，并且贴上来，欢迎大家常来楼里坐坐~~~

8.4 作文见附件，谢谢！

smsun823UID: 3355853

8.1 独立作业。写的眼睛疼，欢迎大家批评指正

smsun823UID: 3355853

好像是积分不够

smsun823UID: 3355853

0731作文，交作业

猛龙过江UID: 3220220

smsun823 发表于 2012-8-1 10:25
0731作文，交作业

谢谢 请参考

maoqiu007UID: 3023523

已改完，楼主多交流~

ys757UID: 3351330

以改 请楼主过目

smsun823UID: 3355853

8.2 作文。谢谢！

ys757UID: 3351330

以改过，请楼主过目！！
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1403434
我交晚了，麻烦楼主帮改一下

wp3026557UID: 3252971

改好。请过目

lazysheepUID: 2955322

8.3已改，nowhere near 就相当于not in any way, not nearly，：D 8.3smsun823---revised by lazysheep.doc (33 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2012-8-4 12:37:07 上传

下载次数: 2

oyyy0702UID: 2851210

8.3smsun823-revised by oyyy.doc (32 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2012-8-5 12:18:15 上传

下载次数: 1

不好意思啊，今天出去玩改晚了

zZ-ITUID: 3357899

楼主，改好啦~~请过目，加油~~

ljmao2007UID: 3031354

0804作文：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

Nowadays, famous people, especially popular entertainers and athletes, seem transplant to the public.（表达有误，应为seem to be transparent to the public） Crazy fans are not satisfied with only knowing their birthday, height, weight, hobbies and favorite stuff. They ceaseless (ceaselessly) pursue more personal things about their idols, such as love life and family. Meanwhile most organizations of mass media industry are always aware of what the public want to see, therefore try their best to get more private information of celebrities to cater to the audience and make more money. In this case, many famous people are under stress and even their family life is disturbing. Therefore, I strongly agree the statements that famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

With too much privacy revealed, more and more famous entertainers and athletes feel great pressure and insecurity that affect their normal life and work. If famous people want to share some of their emotional experiences and marriage details (by their own willings), that would be fine. But the reality is that the paparazzi try every mean to dig into their privacy and release them to the public, forcing the famous people to react to them. Sometimes it may be not a big deal for average person, but it could be huge for celebrities who try their best to maintain a perfect image to the public. So if some improper life details become entertainment news, they have to discontinue all their work and hold the press conference to make explanations. What is worse, some situation could be out of control. About ten years ago, an entertainer in Taiwan was discovered that she was a lesbian, which was known by the public soon. The stress came from the society and family was so much that she could not bear and eventually chose to commit suicide.(最好对此事做个简短的总结：Thus, we can know that the privacy is really important to the famous people and they should be protected)

Furthermore, since too much privacy of the famous people is exposed to the public now, their family life is distracted a lot. Take Cecilia Cheung, a famous singer and actress in China, as an example. Her marriage with Nicholas Tse, also a popular entertainer, was once considered as the model of true love. After the release of her sexual pictures with another entertainer before she was married to Nicholas, her marriage confronted great challenge. Her husband also has to face various stresses because of the incident. Entertainment news from TV program, magazines and tabloids and web is hot for analysis their embarrassment and discuss the future of this family. In some forum, fans of the couple expressed their view to stand for one and criticize the other one. Cannot we just leave them alone to live their own life and solve their own issues in their marriage? All the watchful eyes on her marriage would do nothing but accelerate the death of the marriage. (最后这句话有一点点不妥 话不能说太死 应改为：Too much attentions would have little help and even make it worse.)

In conclusion, paying too much attention to the famous people causes too much stress to them and disturbs their love and marriage life. Hence, they really deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

作者始终围绕too much attentions will have tremendous influence on famous people这个中心思想来写，从开头引入到步步深入，总体而看内容上很连贯，可能不足之处在于作者的一些句式表达还是有些中式思维，但是在同义词替换和一些句子上都有出彩的地方，建议可以多研习北美范文，在句式的表达上多下工夫，由于本人水平有限，也不能够准确指出并加以修改。

作者缺点：1.总结句和论点的句子表达应该要更为精准，因为在老师改的较快的情况下就抓文章的论点和总结句，所以总结句最好表达要非常精准不要出现让人不舒服的地方，表达太死就不太好。2.时时牢记论述中心，在每段结尾可有一个小小的总结，对此论述事件进行一个概括，加强论点。

ljmao2007UID: 3031354

不知道是不是权限不够 不懂怎么上传文档 所以就直接回复了