issue114 望不吝赐教

liliheUID: 147158

请高手帮我看看，估计是多少分的水平？
114.Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

In this technologically advanced society in which technological innovations are taking place every day, the war, violence, and poverty still company human beings. Therefore I sincerely believe that although the technology brings about improvement of people's lives and the civilization in most part of the word, it can hardly change the condition of humanity.

In the first place, the rapidly progressing technology may actually cause the war and violence. The technologically advanced nations have been consuming more and more resources which caused the wars and violence between nations or states for the scant oil, coal, or fresh water left. According to a U.N. report, most part of the resources on the earth are used by the few most advanced countries, and the consumption of such resources as oil, coal, fresh water and limber is increasingly higher. Due to the deficiency, the price of these resources is growing, which then lead to almost all the countries are dreaming of maintain a large number of those resources. Then, more often than not, because of the high price of resources as well as the badly need of them, the countries might turn to wars or other violent measures to possess them. The Gulf War could serve as a telling example. Thus, in this sense, the technology in fact might result in terrible wars and violence and hence induce the dehumanization.

In the second place, technology aggravates poverty and violence stemming from it rather than eliminates them. People who oppose this viewpoint may point out that the advanced technology might contribute to the enhancement of the harvest per acre, which would reduce the number of population suffering hunger. However, close examination may reveal that although the harvest might increase in a single farmland, the land, which is suitable for cultivation, has been shrinking every year. Companying technology progressing there comes acid rain, water exhaustion and desert extension. At the same time, advanced medical sciences lengthens human being's life expectancy, and increase the birthrate, either of which would enlarge the population on the earth. As a result, the need for food grows, while the suitable farmland decreases, and then the poverty and violence stemming from it aggravates, for food is the basic requirement to get rid of poverty.

However, it should be conceded that to some extend the technology civilized a large part of people in the world, which would be helpful to change the condition of humanity. The technology, especially the mass media and the computer and Internet it introduced, makes information be available to almost every person all over the world. Therefore, the knowledge and the opinions of freedom, human rights, democracy and so on are transmitted to the whole human society. All these information and knowledge undoubtedly would influence people’s viewpoint and thoughts, and then they would enlarge the civilized population in the world. Since most of the human defects such as greed and aggression are tend to be alleviated by civilization, the technology would be useful in reducing the violence and wars.

To sum up, although technology may have some negative aspects in changing the condition of humanity in this era, it actually does more harm than good to the progress of humanity, and during the past century or so, the overall condition of humanity is no better, as the speaker's statement goes.

poohUID: 146994

楼上写得不错阿，语言很通畅，思路也比较清晰，不过能得多少分我也不清楚，我还不是高人，呵呵。

genie05UID: 30358

114.Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

In this technologically advanced society in which technological innovations are taking place every day, the war, violence, and poverty still company human beings. Therefore I sincerely believe that although the technology brings about improvement of people's lives and the civilization in most part of the word, it can hardly change the condition of humanity.

In the first place, the rapidly progressing technology may actually cause the war and violence. The technologically advanced nations have been consuming more and more resources which caused the wars and violence between nations or states for the scant oil, coal, or fresh water left. According to a U.N. report, most part of the resources on the earth are used by the few most advanced countries, and the consumption of such resources as oil, coal, fresh water and limber is increasingly higher. （前后两句有重复的感觉，自己斟酌改改吧）Due to the deficiency, the price of these resources is growing, which then lead to almost all the countries are dreaming of maintain a large number of those resources. Then, more often than not, because of the high price of resources as well as the badly need of them, the countries might turn to wars or other violent measures to possess them. The Gulf War could serve as a telling example. Thus, in this sense, the technology in fact might result in terrible wars and violence and hence induce the dehumanization.

In the second place, technology aggravates poverty and violence stemming from it rather than eliminates them. People who oppose this viewpoint may point out that the advanced technology might contribute to the enhancement of the harvest per acre, which would reduce the number of population suffering hunger. However, close examination may reveal that although the harvest might increase in a single farmland, the land, which is suitable for cultivation, has been shrinking every year. Companying technology progressing there comes acid rain, water exhaustion and desert extension. At the same time, advanced medical sciences lengthens human being's life expectancy, and increase the birthrate, either of which would enlarge the population on the earth. As a result, the need for food grows, while the suitable farmland decreases, and then the poverty and violence stemming from it aggravates, for food is the basic requirement to get rid of poverty.（就论点而言没有讲到VIOLENCE，注意严谨）

However, it should be conceded that to some extend the technology civilized a large part of people in the world, which would be helpful to change the condition of humanity. The technology, especially the mass media and the computer and Internet it introduced, makes information be available to almost every person all over the world. Therefore, the knowledge and the opinions of freedom, human rights, democracy and so on are transmitted to the whole human society. All these information and knowledge undoubtedly would influence people’s viewpoint and thoughts, and then they would enlarge the civilized population in the world. Since most of the human defects such as greed and aggression are tend to be alleviated by civilization, the technology would be useful in reducing the violence and wars.

To sum up, although technology may have some negative aspects in changing the condition of humanity in this era,（没有用对吧，自己再读一下这句话） it actually does more harm than good to the progress of humanity, and during the past century or so, the overall condition of humanity is no better, as the speaker's statement goes。

论点和论证建议自己再好好把握一下，总觉得发觉不够深。
语法拼写错误很少，不错。句式比较单调，很多是两个句子并列加上一个小的定语状语从句。长句的概念不仅仅是长度而已。水平不错，相信还可以提高的。
不要老考虑分数问题。要了解分数，自己看看评分标准，分析ETS范文的评分，相信比这样问要好。

PS。什么是高手。还是不要这样发吧。

liliheUID: 147158

谢谢genie05的指正和鼓励，我会加倍努力的。
寄托家园很好，有这么多热心的人，我真的受益匪浅。无以为报，只有好好学习，早点提高，以后也来帮助后来的新寄友。
谢谢！

木耳UID: 123036

114.Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

In this technologically advanced society in which technological innovations are taking place every day（are taking place every day 用得不好）, the war, violence, and poverty still company （be accompanied with 好一些company这个用法不多 ）human beings. Therefore I sincerely believe that although the technology brings about （bring about 用得不好。Bring about是使发生，致使的意思）improvement of people's lives（直接这样写：although the technology improves the living stands of human beings是不是更好） and the civilization in most part of the word, it（it 多余了，前面civilization 已经是主语了） can hardly change the condition of humanity.

In the first place, the rapidly progressing technology may actually cause the（the 多余） war and violence. The technologically advanced nations have been consuming more and more resources which caused the wars and violence between nations or states（nations states用一个就行了吧？） for the scant oil, coal, or fresh water left. According to a U.N. report, most part of the resources on the earth are used by the few（few是否定含义，表示几乎没有。用a few 就可以了） most advanced countries, and the consumption of such resources as oil, coal, fresh water and limber is increasingly higher. Due to the deficiency, the price of these resources is growing, which then lead（单数） to almost all the countries are dreaming of maintain a large number of those resources（上面这段个人认为不是很客观，而且表述啰嗦）. Then, more often than not, because of the high price of resources as well as the badly need of them, the countries might turn to wars or other violent measures（violence） to possess them. The Gulf War could serve as a telling example.(是这样的吗？海湾战争的原因很复杂，不是你想怎样就怎样的。而且你也没指明是哪次海湾战争。其实第一次海湾战争老美是代表正义一方的) Thus, in this sense, the technology in fact might result in terrible wars and violence and hence induce the dehumanization.
这一段不是很有说服力。科技的进步可以使能源加速消耗，但很多时候也正是可以的进步使得我们的生活更节约，比如太阳能的利用，燃料电池等。所以说科技与能源的关系是很难说清的，要驳倒你的话很容易。再往后说能源缺乏导致战争就更像是自说自话了。记住，任何论据都要有有力的论点来支持。还有一点：大多数时候采用逻辑推理的论证方法只能代表一种假设。就像你上面说的，仅仅是可能而已。举了个例子还不恰当。当没有合适的论据，就算论点再好，也要斟酌要不要写。

In the second place, technology aggravates poverty and violence（violence和上一段重复了） stemming from it rather than eliminates them. People who oppose this viewpoint may point out that the advanced technology might contribute to the enhancement of the harvest per acre, which would reduce the number of population suffering hunger. However, close examination may reveal that although the harvest might increase in a single farmland, the land, which is suitable for cultivation, has been shrinking every year. Companying technology progressing there comes acid rain, water exhaustion and desert extension. At the same time, advanced medical sciences lengthens human being's life expectancy, and increase the birthrate, either of which would enlarge the population on the earth. As a result, the need for food grows, while the suitable farmland decreases, and then the poverty and violence stemming from it aggravates, for food is the basic requirement to get rid of poverty.
1 有重复之嫌。整段的中心是土地的减少人口的增多使贫困加剧。可我觉得这就是对资源的消耗的一种体现（土地是不是最重要的资源？），那不就和上一段重了吗？
2 写得有些乱，有矛盾之处。尤其是advanced medical sciences lengthens human being's life expectancy（注意increase the birthrate可不是科技之功）反而成了贫穷的帮凶，让人觉得很不舒服。按你的意思反过来讲难道为了减少人口就要降低人们的寿命吗？
整段写的也有些啰嗦，缺乏逻辑。

However, it should be conceded that to some extend the technology civilized a large part of people in the world, which would be helpful to change the condition of humanity. The technology, especially the mass media and the computer and Internet it introduced, makes（加large amount of ）information be available to almost every person all over the world. Therefore, the knowledge and the opinions of freedom, human rights, democracy and so on are transmitted to the whole human society. All these information and knowledge undoubtedly would influence people’s viewpoint(复数) and thoughts, and then they would enlarge the civilized population in the world. Since most of the human defects such as greed and aggression are tend to be alleviated by civilization, the technology would be useful in reducing the violence and wars.（怎么又是reducing the violence and wars呢？这不是明显的矛盾了吗？道理上没错，可你要记住，你的论点是负面的，而且前面有说了科技可以引发战争和暴力。如果再要转折的话，也要另起炉灶。

To sum up, although technology may have some negative aspects in changing the condition of humanity in this era, it actually does more harm than good to the progress of humanity, and during the past century or so, the overall condition of humanity is no better, as the speaker's statement goes.

大的结构有了，宏观上把握得不错。但微观上还有许多问题，最主要的就是论证没有力度。
要么就是不客观（1段）；
要么就是重复啰嗦缺乏逻辑（2段）；
再就是思维不够清楚，写者写着就矛盾了（3段）。
语言上还可以，但离高分还有差距。用词较单一，句式缺少变化。
还有你的问题和那个s什么的g友一样，没有对humanity做一个恰当的阐述，或者说没有很好的理解它的含义。

多看看范文吧，逻辑文笔上多学学别人，会有很大进步的
还有一点更重要的：一刻也不要停止思考：多想想自己的问题，多像想还有什么论据可用。
还不错，继续努力

liliheUID: 147158

谢谢木耳大哥！
你真是太好了！
很感动，都不知道说什么好了！
谢谢！