issue161

gaoxingranUID: 144036

括号中的内容不必看
161"In this age of intensive media coverage, it is no longer possible for a society to regard any woman or man as a hero. The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished."
In the statement above, the claim of the speaker includes two aspects, one is that it is impossible for a society to regard any people as heroes under (an) intensive media coverage, and another one is that the reputation will be (diminished disappeared vanished) at last if those famous people (are subjected to, rely on, depend on) media scrutiny. At first glance, this claim seems correct, however, after careful examination, I can not totally agree with it though this assertion has some considerable merits. In the following paragraphs, I will show my point of view.

I agree with the second conclusion which mentions that the reputation will (finally ultimately eventually) fade if it totally relies on the scrutiny and attention of the media. The examples happened in the realm of entertainment can well (substantiate, back) this point. In this field, the reputation of the singers or actors fades very quickly with the lapse of time. There was once upon a time that they gained (acclaims applause) and cheers from the audience and fans, they were warmly welcomed everywhere they went. However, when time passed by, most of their names were forgotten by us, only leaving those artists in our memory who really brought valuable artistic merits, like Beatles and Nirvana. It is the same with the respect of the field of sports. In conclusion, those once-famous people mentioned above who depend on the scrutiny of the media can not maintain their fame without the attention of the media, and their reputation will eventually be diminished in the long river of history.

Admittedly, in this age, the famous people are given more focus and attention, and many personal things of them are (uncovered, disclosed, exposed) under such scrutiny of media at the same time, as a result, they appear to be not so perfect. It is understandable that the mass have great curiosity to know the daily life of the famous people outside their career, and to cater this need and earn money, the mass media (tries every effort, does every endeavor) to collect every kind of information of those people, including sports stars, actors, politicians, and so forth. Under such intensive scrutiny, a lot of personal things, like marrying affairs, the financial (finicial) condition, will be revealed to public. Therefore, those people show their not-so-perfect side, and many shortcomings are presented to our eyes. However, as known to all, there is nobody in this world is perfect; (,) the defects of those famous are common and acceptable. The person we call a hero is not one without any (defects, flaws), but a real man who has certain quality that make us respect or a person who brings this society great contribution.

When we turn to those people we call heroes or heroines (heronions), their fame will never fade no matter how intensive the scrutiny is. Take the greatest scientist—Einstein, who found the theory of relativity, as an example. After he received the Novel Prize, this great physicist (physictist) attracted intensive attention from all over the world, and there were always many newspapers or magazines reporting his life. However, his fame was not diminished under such a scrutiny; conversely, his quality, such as humility and diligence and his precise attitude to the research of science are respected even by the young people living in current society. There are also many other examples of great people, like Gandhi, Luther King, Roosevelt, who can give a strong support of this point that the reputation of heroes will not fade under scrutiny, and their story will last forever to influence generation to generation.

In sum, I fundamentally (foundamentally) agree with the speaker on the second aspect in this issue. However, I can not give my assent to the first part of this statement. In my point of view, the reputation of anyone of whom is subjected to media can not stand examination of the time, however, those real heroes will live forever in the heart or their descendant (decenstors).

豌豆UID: 144569

161"In this age of intensive media coverage, it is no longer possible for a society to regard any woman or man as a hero. The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished."

In the statement above, the claim of the speaker includes two aspects, one is that it is impossible for a society to regard any people as heroes under (an) intensive media coverage, and another one is that the reputation will be (diminished disappeared vanished) at last if those famous people (are subjected to, rely on, depend on) media scrutiny. At first glance, this claim seems correct, however, after careful examination, I can not totally agree with it though this assertion has some considerable merits. In the following paragraphs, I will show my point of view.这么多括号是什么呀？是不是写的时候没写出来后来加上去的？呵呵，这一段是模板，前期可以拿来凑字数，后期写作文时最好要有自己的一套。或者真的才思泉涌的话可以写一段与众不同的开头。

I agree with the second conclusion which mentions that the reputation will (finally ultimately eventually) fade if it totally relies on the scrutiny and attention of the media. The examples happened in the realm of entertainment can well (substantiate, back) this point. In this field, the reputation of the singers or actors fades very quickly with the lapse of time（with the lapse of time这个说法很怪，但也说不上）There was once upon a time that they gained (acclaims applause) and cheers from the audience and fans, they were warmly welcomed everywhere they went. （这是两个句子，用个连词连接）However, when time passed by, most of their names were forgotten by us, only leaving those artists in our memory who really brought valuable artistic merits, like Beatles and Nirvana. It is the same with the respect of the field of sports. In conclusion, those once-famous people mentioned above who depend on the scrutiny of the media can not maintain their fame without the attention of the media, and their reputation will eventually be diminished in the long river of history.你这一段有点问题，还没写怎么在media scrutiny 下消失就完了，没有扣住你自己的主题句。
Admittedly, in this age, the famous people are given more focus and attention, and many personal things of them are (uncovered, disclosed, exposed) under such scrutiny of media at the same time, as a result, they appear to be not so perfect.（既然是陈述前面一段的原因，就不应该是Admittedly 了吧？）It is understandable that the mass have great curiosity to know the daily life of the famous people outside their career, and to cater this need and earn money, the mass media (tries every effort, does every endeavor) to collect every kind of information of those people, including sports stars, actors, politicians, and so forth. Under such intensive scrutiny, a lot of personal things, like marrying （marital）affairs, the financial (finicial) (financial也对的呀，为什么要改掉啊 )condition, will be revealed to public. Therefore, those people show their not-so-perfect side, and many shortcomings are presented to our eyes. However, as known to all, there is nobody in this world is perfect; (,) the defects of those famous are common and acceptable. The person we call a hero is not one without any (defects, flaws), but a real man who has certain quality that make us respect or a person who brings this society great contribution.我觉得最好在前面的时候就写出所谓hero的定义

When we turn to those people we call heroes or heroines (heronions), their fame will never fade no matter how intensive the scrutiny is. Take the greatest scientist—Einstein, who found the theory of relativity, as an example. After he received the Novel Prize, this great physicist (physictist) attracted intensive attention from all over the world, and there were always many newspapers or magazines reporting his life. However, his fame was not diminished under such a scrutiny; conversely, his quality, such as humility and diligence and his precise attitude to the research of science are respected even by the young people living in current society. There are also many other examples of great people, like Gandhi, Luther King, Roosevelt, who can give a strong support of this point that the reputation of heroes will not fade under scrutiny, and their story will last forever to influence generation to generation.看到这里恍然大悟了，原来你写的hero在这里，不过还是一样，在前面，第一段的时候就提出这个观点吧，否则看上去跟你的主题段不搭。而且，为什么会有这两种人的不同，应该 有个交代。

In sum, I fundamentally (foundamentally) agree with the speaker on the second aspect in this issue. However, I can not give my assent to the first part of this statement. In my point of view, the reputation of anyone of whom is subjected to media can not stand examination of the time, however, those real heroes will live forever in the heart or their descendant (decenstors).
语言挺好的，语法错误也少。建议你写作文的时候一定要扣牢主题。
我记得精华区有一篇很好的关于怎么写出好文章的帖子，大概的意思是拿到一个题目可以先提出很多问题，从逻辑上思考，然后下笔就会很顺畅，可惜 我已经考完了，写作文的过程真的很锻炼人，从各方面的。哎呀，感慨良多，见笑拉。

木耳UID: 123036

同学，一天发一篇好吧？
大家无论斑竹还还是其他朋友可都是利用自己的业余时间义务为大家服务的。每天都泡在网上改作文谁受得了！

木耳UID: 123036

既然括号内不用看，那还写出来干什么？我都删了，看着累。

161"In this age of intensive media coverage, it is no longer possible for a society to regard any woman or man as a hero. The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished."

In the statement above, the claim of the speaker includes two aspects, one is that it is impossible for a society to regard any people as heroes under  intensive media coverage, and another one is that the reputation will be at last if those famous people media scrutiny. At first glance, this claim seems correct, however, after careful examination, I can not totally agree with it though this assertion has some considerable merits. In the following paragraphs, I will show my point of view.

我看着怎么像新东方教的argument的开头模版？这样移花接木也未尝不可。不够看着总是啰嗦。字数不是这么凑出来的，用不着题目的观点在几乎是原封不动的重复一遍。多在主体段中下功夫。

I agree with the second conclusion which mentions that the reputation will fade if it totally relies on the scrutiny and attention of the media. The examples happened in the realm of entertainment can well this point. In this field, the reputation of the singers or actors fades very quickly with the lapse of time There was once upon a time that they gained and cheers from the audience and fans, they were warmly welcomed everywhere they went. However, when time passed by, most of their names were forgotten by us, only leaving those artists in our memory who really brought valuable artistic merits, like Beatles and Nirvana. It is the same with the respect of the field of sports. In conclusion, those once-famous people mentioned above who depend on the scrutiny of the media can not maintain their fame without the attention of the media, and their reputation will eventually be diminished in the long river of history.

就像豌豆说的，没什么语法错误。但写得没有抓住重点The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished.你在这段中并没体现怎样在scrutiny下diminish.只是笼统地说演艺界和体育界有这种现象。但你证明了吗？为什么是不可避免的？这样的现象具体是发生在谁身上？其中是什么样的原因规律在起作用？

Admittedly, in this age, the famous people are given more focus and attention, and many personal things（隐私不是这样表示的） of them are under such scrutiny of media at the same time, as a result, they appear（appear：看起来。暗含有看起来像其实不是的意思。那这句话读起来就是说她么本来很完美了？可这些人not so perfect是他们自己的原因还是媒体在作怪？） to be not so perfect. It is understandable that the mass have great curiosity to know the daily life of the famous people outside their career, and to cater this need and earn money,（改大写另起一句，这个长句不好） the mass media to collect（to多余。to引导的粉刺结构作状语，mass是主语，谓语呢？have to collect） every kind of information of those people, including sports stars, actors, politicians, and so forth. Under such intensive scrutiny, a lot of personal things, like marrying affairs, the financial condition, will be revealed to public. Therefore, those people show their not-so-perfect side, and many shortcomings are presented to our eyes. However, as known to all, there is nobody in this world is perfect; (,) the defects of those famous are common and acceptable. The person we call a hero is not one without any flaws, but a real man who has certain quality that make us respect or a person who brings this society great contribution.

第一段说不完全同意
第二段是说同意diminish reputation,
那第三段应该是要讲同意什么了吧，可是的论点表达得不清楚。看完才知道你要说的是英雄也是凡人，也有缺点和错误。
记住，如果不是真正的高手，没有明确的主体句是很危险的

When we turn to those people we call heroes or heroines (heronions), their fame will never fade no matter how intensive the scrutiny is. （这是个明显的矛盾。什么叫those people we call heroes or heroines?那你上一段最后的a person we call hero 又和这个有什么区别？上面那个可以有缺点，那这个怎么就可以没有？）Take the greatest scientist—Einstein, who found the theory of relativity, as an example. After he received the Novel Prize, this great physicist attracted intensive attention from all over the world, and there were always many newspapers or magazines reporting his life. However, his fame was not diminished under such a scrutiny; conversely, his quality, such as humility and diligence and his precise attitude to the research of science are respected even by the young people living in current society. There are also many other examples of great people, like Gandhi, Luther King, Roosevelt, who can give a strong support of this point that the reputation of heroes will not fade under scrutiny, and their story will last forever to influence generation to generation.

其实你所举的那些个伟人都是有他们自身的缺陷的，就正如你在第二段中所说。只是我们很少知道而已。就我所知，Einstein 对他妻子的态度甚至是利用就遭到很多人的攻击。而且他晚年或者说是最后的二十年和牛顿很相似，固执偏激，不承认新思想新理论；实际上对量子力学的发展起了阻碍作用。

In sum, I fundamentally agree with the speaker on the second aspect in this issue. However, I can not give my assent to the first part of this statement. In my point of view, the reputation of anyone of whom is subjected to media can not stand examination of the time, however, those real heroes will live forever in the heart or their descendant.

其实你的两个分论点本身就是个悖论。
1 同意在媒体的scrunity下还有英雄的存在
2 同意任何人在这样的scrunity下reputation都会diminish
我们知道（你的文章也提到了）英雄是有着高尚品格和良好口碑的公众人物。但把你的两个论点结合起来看，那一定存在着reputation已经eventually be diminished的真正的英雄了。有这样的逻辑吗？

其实并不是每个题目都和稀泥或者说采取中立的观点就是客观全面公正的。这篇就不是。应为你所说的那两点其实就是一点，把它硬拆开来说并不好。