issue7 科技类，我的第五篇

lemonlikeUID: 139588

未限时，530字，呵呵，好像也没啥长进

@Issue 007 科技类
“The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.”

开篇，摄像机的优势是否意味着它可以代替所有传统的记录手段？
1． 摄像机纪录的优点是显而易见的。对记录内容的百分百重现，这使得接受者更直接的获得信息，而文字记录需要阅读者在脑中重现，而且由于原始记录者的原因可能产生偏差。
2． 但是，摄像机纪录的缺点也是难以弥补的。时间广度不够,概括性不强同时成本过高，与纸笔纪录比起来。
3． 有人质疑文字记录的客观性。摄像机记录固然客观，但是有时候记录中的主观因素甚至更具历史意义。它可能是当时社会价值观的体现，而这些是摄像机永远无法记录和传达的。
结尾，摄像机和文字记录共同发挥作用。

In this age of highly developed technology and human civilization, we have more and more new facilities to record all what happens around us. When Thomas Edison turned the restore our sound in a very thin disk into reality, people regarded it almost a miracle. However, today, it is accustomed for people to record all we want to see or hear into a video tape or CD with the help of the video camera. As one kind of advanced facilities of recording contemporary life, has it already become a more important form of documentation than written records?

In comparison with the traditional documentation ways, it is obvious that the video camera has brought us a great of advantages. With the help of the video camera, we can make the documentation records in one hundred percent reappearance, both the vivid continuous image and the dimensional sound accompanied, while it is a mission impossible for the written records, which usually require the reader to rebuild the situation in his or her own mind. During this process of rebuilding it is inevitably influenced by the inaccuracy and distortion of the original records, which perhaps lead to a picture not very similar with the actual one. This Advantage of the video camera documentation makes it a valuable medium of legal evidence, which needs high accuracy. Without the help of video documentation, making their denial totally futile, many crafty even lunatic criminals can never be detected and eventually be caught.

Although the video documentation in great part conveniences us and its accuracy is something undeniable, its shortcomings should not be simply neglected. Firstly, when turning to the historical event of long time span or something like that, which takes several months even longer, the video documentation can do nothing but nail-biting. Written records, on the contrary, can compensate for this deficiency by putting a whole Trojan War, lasting nearly ten years, into hundreds of pages. Secondly, the limitation in the spatial extent is another deficiency of the video documentation. Even you can take the record in a helicopter, the extent all you can include in your documentation is also restrict, unlike the written records, which is capable of concentrating the whole mankind history into one history record. That’s why once a historian said that reading history is like looking at the world from the moon. Furthermore, compared with the written records, which only need a pen and several pieces of paper, the video documentation is obviously much more expensive.

However, some ones may query the objectivity of the written records. They may just overlook one point that sometimes what we need is not merely the facts. Such thing as ideology of certain society is never possible transferred by the video camera. Only by analyzing written records and conjecturing the author’s intention can we reach the understanding of such an abstract issue. That’s why the written records will never be discarded no matter what accurate forms of documentation come to the forth.

To sum up, the video documentation, even if no less, is no more important than the written records. The best choice for us is to make use of each best according to its abilities.

木耳UID: 123036

@Issue 007 科技类
“The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.”

开篇，摄像机的优势是否意味着它可以代替所有传统的记录手段？
1． 摄像机纪录的优点是显而易见的。对记录内容的百分百重现，这使得接受者更直接的获得信息，而文字记录需要阅读者在脑中重现，而且由于原始记录者的原因可能产生偏差。
2． 但是，摄像机纪录的缺点也是难以弥补的。时间广度不够,概括性不强同时成本过高，与纸笔纪录比起来。
3． 有人质疑文字记录的客观性。摄像机记录固然客观，但是有时候记录中的主观因素甚至更具历史意义。它可能是当时社会价值观的体现，而这些是摄像机永远无法记录和传达的。
结尾，摄像机和文字记录共同发挥作用。

In this age of highly developed technology and human civilization, we have more and more new facilities to record all what（all what 好像搭配不当） happens around us. When Thomas Edison turned the restore (加一个of) our sound in a very thin disk into reality,(读起来总觉得有些别扭。When Thomas Edison first recorded sound into a very thin disk怎么样？) people regarded it almost（almost 不需要。这对于当时的人们就是一个奇迹，不是吗？）a miracle. However, today, it is accustomed for people to record all we（they）want to see or hear into a video tape or CD with the help of the(删掉the) video camera. As one kind of advanced facilities of recording contemporary life, has it already become a more important form of documentation than written records?

不是典型的开头，但还不错。

In comparison with the traditional documentation ways（我觉得ways 不需要）, it is obvious that the video camera has brought us a great of advantages. With the help of the（删掉） video camera, we can make the documentation records in one hundred percent reappearance, both the vivid continuous image and the dimensional sound accompanied, while it is a mission impossible for the(删掉) written records, which usually require the reader（readers） to rebuild the situation in his or her own mind. During this process of rebuilding it（指代不明，readers are） is inevitably influenced by the inaccuracy and distortion of the original records, which perhaps lead to a picture not very similar with the actual one. This(从written document 跳到video camera，this 指代不明) Advantage of the video camera documentation makes it a valuable medium of legal evidence, which needs high accuracy. Without the help of video documentation, making their denial totally futile, （主语只能是many crafty,那前面的making their denial totally futile 是什么成份？their指的是谁？这个短语有具体是什么意思？这句话有典型的chiglish的味道。）many crafty even lunatic criminals can never be detected and eventually be caught.（最后一句写乱了。就意思来讲也不太客观。没有摄像机可观的审判就不可能了吗？难道每一个犯人犯罪时都有一架摄像机在跟踪他？去看一下我写的那篇“几个共同问题”。你犯的是第二条。）

Although the（删掉） video documentation in great part conveniences us and its accuracy is something undeniable, its shortcomings should not be simply neglected. Firstly, when turning to the historical event（historical events） of long time span or something like that, which takes several months even longer,(这个从句不需要) the video documentation can do nothing but nail-biting. Written records, on the contrary, can compensate for（compensate for 是赔偿的意思，用错了） this deficiency by putting a whole Trojan War, lasting nearly ten years, into hundreds of pages. Secondly, the limitation in the spatial extent is another deficiency of the video documentation. Even you can take the record in a helicopter, the extent all you can include in your documentation is also（also用的不合适）restrict, unlike the written records, which is capable of concentrating the whole mankind history into one history record. That’s why once a historian said that reading history is like looking at the world from the moon. Furthermore, compared with the written records, which only need a pen and several pieces of paper, the video documentation is obviously much more expensive.

文章结构不错。但几个论据不好。Trojan War是written record,不过Homer这样做的原因是因为video camera 时间广度不够吗或者是概括性不强吗？如果Homer不是盲人并且有一架摄像机且是与Trojan war 同时代的人，我想他会高兴得要死：我终于可以如实地记录Trojan War战争了！问题是这三者都不满足。

几千年前会有摄像机吗？个人来讲不太同意你的论点，不过你能找到合适的论据证明你的论点也是很好的，但这个和上一段那个论据都不恰当。

还有，你讲的video camera limitation in the spatial extent其实应该加限制条件：在同一时间内。今天在非洲拍大象，明天飞到澳大利亚拍袋鼠不是很容易的吗？

总之这一段讲的几个deficiencies 都有些牵强。

However, some ones may query the objectivity of the（删掉） written records. They may just overlook one point that sometimes what we need is not merely the facts. Such thing as ideology of certain society is never possible transferred by the video camera. Only by analyzing written records and conjecturing the author’s intention can we reach the understanding of such an abstract issue. That’s why the written records will never be discarded no matter what accurate forms of documentation come to the forth.

我觉得这一段才是video camera和written record 之间的最大区别，也是written record 不可代替的最主要原因：abstract issue.只是你把它放在了次要的位置。

To sum up, the video documentation, even if no less, is no more important than the written records. The best choice for us is to make use of each best according to its abilities.

木耳UID: 123036

微观：
最大问题：论据不恰当导致论证没有说服力。
还有，不要滥用定冠词。泛指用复数就可以了。
个别用词不妥。有些句子不顺。
设问的开头新颖，感觉没什么不妥的地方，还不错。

宏观：
似乎没有抓住根本性的区别。

genie05UID: 30358

木耳已经改啦，呵呵，本来还想今天晚上改，现在看不进去了。：）
斑竹大人好辛苦。

lemonlikeUID: 139588

最初由 木耳 发布
[B]
（最后一句写乱了。就意思来讲也不太客观。没有摄像机可观的审判就不可能了吗？难道每一个犯人犯罪时都有一架摄像机在跟踪他？去看一下我写的那篇“几个共同问题”。你犯的是第二条。）
[/B]

5555，没有大脑，这个麻烦大了……
真是写得多错得多，这篇，我得好好改改
anyway，非常感谢木耳详细的点评～～

lemonlikeUID: 139588

In this age of highly developed technology and human civilization, we have more and more new facilities to record what happens around us. When Thomas Edison first recorded sound into a very thin disk, people regarded it a miracle. However, today, it is accustomed for people to record all they（该死的毛病，老是喜欢用主观的we） want to see or hear into a video tape or CD with the help of video camera. As one kind of advanced facilities of recording contemporary life, has it already become a more important form of documentation than written records?

In comparison with the traditional documentation, it is obvious that the video camera has brought us a great of advantages. With the help of video camera, we can make the documentation records in one hundred percent reappearance, both the vivid continuous image and the dimensional sound accompanied, while it is a mission impossible for written records, which usually require the readers to rebuild the situation in their own mind. During this process of rebuilding readers are inevitably influenced by the inaccuracy and distortion of the original records, which perhaps lead to a picture not very similar with the actual one. As an accurate and convincing record, video documentation serves as a valuable medium of legal evidence, which needs high accuracy. In some cases, the crafty criminals cannot be detected and eventually be caught without the help of video documentation, making their denial totally futile.

Although video documentation in great part conveniences us and its accuracy is something undeniable, its shortcomings should not be simply neglected. Firstly, video documentation is just suitable to be utilized to record happenings, when coming to the field related to abstract issues and theories, accurate literal descriptions, repetition and comparison, it is not as well competent and efficient as the traditional written records. For instance, a video clip can provide us direct impression of the style and grandiosity of a famous catholic church, while written documents are also indispensable in recording the dimensions, history and spiritual value. However, some ones may query the objectivity of written records. They may just overlook an important point that sometimes what we need is not merely the facts. Such thing as ideology of certain society is never possible transferred by the video camera. Only by analyzing written records and conjecturing the author’s intention can we reach the understanding of such an abstract issue. That’s why the written records will never be discarded no matter what accurate forms of documentation come to the forth.

On the other hand, video documentation is still in face of the demand of giant data storing space. Though with the help of recent improvement in video data processing, we can reduce the size of video records considerably, the quality of the video is damaged at the same time. Traditional written records, which only need a pen and several pieces of paper, are still welcomed in that they are much cheaper and widely available.

To sum up, the video documentation, even if no less, is no more important than the written records. The best choice for us is to make use of each best according to its abilities.

木耳UID: 123036

改过之后好多了。

on one hand 和on the other hand 一般是连起来用的

we can reduce the size of video records considerably, the quality of the video is damaged at the same time.
这就又主观了，事实不是这样的。

genie05UID: 30358

ON THE  ONE HAND (应该有THE 吧）和ON THE OTHER HAND,当有比较明显的关系的时候，前者可以不出现。但是看你 这个要有比较好。

genie05UID: 30358

No.6
In this age of highly developed technology and human civilization, we have more and more new facilities to record what happens around us. （MORE AND MORE NEW FACILITIES ARE AVAILABLE  TO RECORD WHAT HAPPENS AROUND THE WORLD.可以考虑用类似的方法来修改一下句子，我看了一下后面的，还是几乎所有的句子都是单纯的S+v+O，如果只是单纯的来写一小段话还没有什么问题，但是一旦是一篇文章的话，就会让人有不舒服的感觉了。后面几段也注意一下这个问题，我就不写了）When Thomas Edison first recorded sound into a very thin disk, people regarded it a miracle. However, today, it is accustomed for people to record all they（该死的毛病，老是喜欢用主观的we）(慢慢来，不能急的，记住就好） want to see or hear into a video tape or CD with the help of video camera. （是否有一点夸张了，只是说是一件很平常的事情就可以了吧）As one kind of （A，就可以了，不要太罗嗦）advanced facilities of recording contemporary life, has it already become a more important form of documentation than written records?（个人意见，有问有答，尤其是出现这种关键地方的句子）

In comparison with the traditional documentation, it is obvious that the video camera has brought us a great of advantages. With the help of video camera, we can make the documentation records in one hundred percent reappearance, both the vivid continuous image and the dimensional sound accompanied, while it is a mission impossible for written records, which usually require the readers to rebuild the situation in their own mind. During this process of rebuilding readers are inevitably influenced by the inaccuracy and distortion of the original records, which perhaps lead to a picture not very similar with the actual one. As an accurate and convincing record, video documentation serves as a valuable medium of legal evidence, which needs high accuracy. In some cases, the crafty criminals cannot be detected and eventually be caught without the help of video documentation, making their denial totally futile.（段落的结尾最好有一个总结，还有就是关于优点还可以跨越时间，空间等等。如果不举例子那就多写一点）

Although video documentation in great part conveniences us and its accuracy is something undeniable, its shortcomings should not be simply neglected. Firstly, video documentation is just suitable to be utilized to record happenings, when coming to the field related to abstract issues and theories, accurate literal descriptions, repetition and comparison, it is not as well competent and efficient as the traditional written records. For instance, a video clip can provide us direct impression of the style and grandiosity of a famous catholic church, while written documents are also indispensable in recording the dimensions, history and spiritual value. However, some ones may query the objectivity of written records. They may just overlook an important point that sometimes what we need is not merely the facts. Such thing as ideology of certain society is never possible transferred by the video camera. Only by analyzing written records and conjecturing the author’s intention can we reach the understanding of such an abstract issue. That’s why the written records will never be discarded no matter what accurate forms of documentation come to the forth.（文章要有整体性，你的FIRSTLY后面好象没有继续接下去的了吧。）

On the other hand, video documentation is still in face of the demand of giant data storing space. Though with the help of recent improvement in video data processing, we can reduce the size of video records considerably, the quality of the video is damaged at the same time. Traditional written records, which only need a pen and several pieces of paper, are still welcomed in that they are much cheaper and widely available. （注意平衡，如果说ON THE ONE HAND和ON THE OTHER，则在上面的内容和多少上也要注意这个命题）

To sum up, the video documentation, even if no less, is no more important than the written records. The best choice for us is to make use of each best according to its abilities

genie05UID: 30358

木耳看过的，就扫了一下，呵呵。

木耳UID: 123036

咦？最近genie05很勤奋嘛。
呵呵，有多一个劳工，太好了！^$^

genie05UID: 30358

你们虐待劳工啊？呜呜！
拿工资来！！

木耳UID: 123036

工资啊？
老和尚都得去化缘，拿来的工资呀？
老老实实作牛作马吧，呵呵。

lemonlikeUID: 139588

谢谢genie的修改
正在仔细体会ing~~

lemonlikeUID: 139588

眼看着考试一天比一天近
还是写的这么差，真让人着急：（