求R老师修改独立作文

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独立写作1.doc (31.5 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2012-12-20 00:11:52 上传

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Young people todays are more likely to help others than young people in the past.

Youngsters are considered to be the problem of youth ('youngsters' is a colloquial term for 'young people' so this sentence is basically 'young people are the problem of youth'..which is like, meaningless.), and at least so argue the older people when they are talking about their children. The young, though the older people are partly accountable for that, become selfish and not willing to help others in contrast with their parents.

First, adolescences can now easily gain access to violence and negative information which convert their minds to regarding others as hostility or perfidy (Both of these words do not refer to people. A 'hostility' is a state/an act of being hostile, not a person who is hostile. Same goes for 'perfidy'.). They may be more scrupulous and dubious to strangers who actually just hope that you (The sentence started with 'they'. Who is this 'you'?) can give them a hand. My friend once told me that when he was waiting in the queue in front of the auto-lending book machine in the library, an unknown student asked him for help whether my friend could/would use his student’s card to lend (Right. You know what a 'perfidy' is but you don't know the difference between 'lend' and 'borrow'..that's going to bring down your credibility in terms of language proficiency.) a book to her (You don't need a library card to lend a book 'to' someone else. In this case, you're actually 'borrow'ing a book 'for' her.) because her card is limited (When you can't borrow a book because you've already borrowed too many books, it's not called 'limited'. It's called something more like 'your borrowing limit has been reached'.)(This whole 'whether' part is all very good, but you can't just glue it onto the end of 'asked him for help'. It's completely jumbled grammar.), but my friend rejected her immediately to her without thinking. He also said to me if he had lent a book to the girl, he would be punished if the student did not return it within the limited time. It is in young people that to discreetly keep the distance with unfamiliar individuals is prevalent and pervasive.(I'm not going to be too critical on your logical reasoning but I think it's worth telling you this as a precaution for you possible future life abroad: even if it was your best friend who asked you to borrow a book for her, you still shouldn't do it. This is simply because you'll be liable for all the books you borrow, and it's wise to keep yourself from possible trouble. It really has nothing to do with whether the request comes from a stranger or not. It's the nature of this request itself that is dangerous – in its most serious legal implications, using your library card to borrow a book for someone else is an identity forgery, the equivalent of a 枪手 taking a TOEFL test for someone else – not that the request came from a stranger. So seriously, just don't do it.)

Second, with social pressure are much higher than before, the intensive competition among youngsters is inevitable, especially in students. In order to enter a famous university, good students are not likely to assist the poor spontaneously, for others are potential rivals and the chance to get into a superior university is too rare. First-class students often are impatient to the secondary ('secondary' doesn't necessarily mean 'inferior', which is what I think you actually meant to express.) when the later asks a puzzle (A 'puzzle' is usually something designed for exercising the mind, mainly as a form of entertainment, like a riddle, a cross-word, a jigsaw..or generally something that is difficult to solve and doesn't necessarily have an answer. An exercise question in academic studies is, on the other hand, just a question, not a puzzle.) or on/for an appropriate manner of studying. For the reason that, they commend, helping others is unworthy because answering numerous stupid questions as they think is too much a waste of time and does not avail for themselves to deepen the gap between them and the rest. Taking all factors into consideration, a perfunctory reply is their best policy.

Moreover, helping others without any hesitation, however (So is this sentence a 'moreover' from the previous paragraph or a 'however'? These are two completely different logical relationships.), to some extent presupposes how familiar a person is familiar to themselves (I don't see why the relationship is a presupposition. A presupposition is something that is universally taken for granted to be true when something happens, like this: if I say 'My wife is pregnant', this presupposes that I have a wife. The truth of 'I have a wife' will not be different between cultures, people, or whatever, as long as 'My wife is pregnant' is said. It is true by the virtue that if you don't have a wife, you can't refer to her in a sentence. It's logical truth. The person being helped must be very familiar to the person offering help, on the other hand, is not universal or logical truth, because it could be culture and/or person specific - it just can't be a 'presupposition'.). For instance, our monitor (I think you probably  meant 'class monitor'. But even this would be a rather archaic expression for 'class president'.) Jack, one of the students’ union’s leaders, is frequently giving the leave notes to those who are his best friends to help them escape from classes. And when others ask him for a favor, he would seek pretexts and is not as enthusiastic as when faced with his friends. I totally reprehend this kind of assistance for it is not from the heart but from selfishness (Poetic. But doesn't selfishness stem from one's heart as well..? ^_^).

In sum, helping others within a range of friends is a thought-provoking phenomenon, one that perhaps largely influenced by older people, and I believe that only when youngsters are willing to help others cordially out of that limit can we safe to say that young people are likely to help others than those in the past.(Right, but this is a hypothetical situation. And both your introduction and the body of your essay didn't really mention that the criterion for determining your conclusion would be 'when youngsters are willing to help people other than their friends'..so, just speaking out of the facts and examples given in your essay, do you agree with the given statement? Are the youngers of today more likely or less likely to help others compared to youngers in the past? You essay needs to answer this question directly – it doesn't matter how much flair there is in your language or argument. If you don't address the question, your essay is pointless.)

总结：

这个作文是各种闪瞎我的眼的牛逼词汇华丽句型深刻分析。。但是不要说很多基本语法错误，词性各种乱用神马的，说了半天貌似感觉是说因为xxx, xxx, xxx, 现在的年轻人不如以前爱帮助别人了但是给我最后还是来一句这个现象很值得我们思考啊！我们只能在年轻人xxxxx的情况下才能结论说现在的年轻人比以前的更爱帮助别人啊！-- 于是我只能泪目扑街了啊！所以你到底是同意还是不同意，到底现在的年轻人是不是更爱帮助别人了这个问题，到最后米有回答啊！建议你去看几篇T的作文范文，T作文是很简单直接八股的。。

mdangsonUID: 2442605

认真学习了！顶R老师！！！R老师评论部分写得超级好~