求大牛给评一下雅思作文

lotikayanUID: 2613129

各位大牛们，最近刚刚开始弄雅思。写作文总是心里没谱。不知道自己在什么水平上。能否请各位大牛给评一下分。先谢过各位大牛了。

题目：
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children.
Do you agree or disagree?
作为：
Computer has been considered as one of the most important invention in last century and it has been surely changed the world around us in a positive way. However, people still arguing about pros and cons of young children to use computers. Some people believe these who are young should spend more time on other activities instead in order to prevent them from addict to computers. Others think computers has open a gate for young people to knowing outside world and broaden their horizons. In my opinion, the cons of computers overweights its pros for children, especially for young children.

The main reason that most people think children should use computers is they believe computers, especially computers which can connected to Internet, can bring children various knowledge and all the information is easier to access than other ways such as books. A child may be bored for spend two hours looking for a bird’s name but will be attracted if they only use two minutes find the bird’s name and also a lot of fun videos about the bird.

However, computer is not the only way to access all these information and certainly not the best way due to huge amount of fake and inaccurate webpages online. For example, a tour to a zoo may help young children learn more than surfing on the Internet for the whole day and children will remember these knowledge much longer because they have the real experience.

Besides, using computers also have many drawbacks such as it may takes too much time that young children will not have enough time to do their assignment and spend too much time sitting in front of computer is harmful to children’s health.

In conclusion, I think children, especially young children, should spend more time other than using a computer as it have more cons than pros.

tincochanUID: 3208994

直观印象，首段过长+通篇语法小错存在，而且句式是不是简单了点，毕竟不是重点，没必要这么多。提一下背景直接把你的观点带出来。
中立？其实你这篇也是侧重缺点的。其实雅思不会因为你是什么立场就扣你分，跟GRE一样的，关键是你怎么说。
PARA 2：，你是主角，不是most people怎么样，你的论述是你的意思，你引用别人的也是表达自己的意思，尽量淡化人称，比如most cases之类的。
             这一条是我的理解，从句有that引导，语气是不是书面点?
para 3：第三段however后面的内容不是说明网络上的虚假信息，而是现实体验的优点，例子只能说明网络并不能取代人们在生活中的参与。not only，否定不强，要不这段干脆把网络说的一文不值？
para 4：我觉得鸡肋，单独一个论点挂在这里影响全文美观。
总结：太短，且有点自相矛盾，你都承认电脑的优缺点了，就应该教育孩子们如何正确对待电脑的双面。另外最重要的，结尾不是这么写的:一般是论述段每段小结，如果字数不够还可以展望一下什么的

6分我觉得显然上不了