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[作文] 【独立写作】Pumpkinhead89作业贴 [复制链接]

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发表于 2013-2-14 23:38:09 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
本帖最后由 Pumpkinhead89 于 2013-3-26 22:10 编辑

Si vis pacem, para bellum
争取每日  一篇独立作文

共勉!!!

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发表于 2013-2-14 23:42:20 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 Pumpkinhead89 于 2013-2-15 17:49 编辑

第一次independent writing,
TPO1用时2 hr+
TPO2用时1hr,50mins, 字数较多



求 严厉指正/批改!!!:handshake
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美版2016offer达人 IBT Zeal IBT Smart IBT Elegance 2016 US-applicant

板凳
发表于 2013-2-17 01:33:29 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2013-2-16 17:41 编辑
Pumpkinhead89 发表于 2013-2-14 15:42
第一次independent writing,
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TPO2用时1hr,50mins, 字数较多

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


I disagree with the statement that playing computer games is a waste of time and all children shall be refrained from playing them.

The 21st century, along with its advancements and accompanying modifications presented in all aspects of the society, exerts a tremendous impact on the general populace's perceptions of their surrounding objects, including those newly emerged, such as computer games (Very profound, yet irrelevant. Whether the 21st century has indeed exerted a 'tremendous impact' on people's perceptions of new inventions, or indeed why and how such an impact is exerted, what the impact is exactly – such issues, if only addressed in vague terms like you did, will be of no relevance or significance to the next sentence, which basically says people think computer games are no good for children. People don't necessarily think so solely because of the 'impact of the 21st century', of which the nature and exact mechanism are not specified. It's the typical kind of a meaningless place-filler that serves not much more purpose beyond flaunting your grammar and vocabulary and/or putting up a rather pretentious backdrop which you won't necessarily need for a useful discussion. Now if you just simply said something like 'people tend to be hostile towards advances in technology especially if they are used for purposes traditionally regarded as morally degrading', it would actually serve your purpose a lot better, because it is a relevant generalization over the attitudes people might have regarding computer games – not necessarily anything to do with the 21st century, blah.). People now tend to believe that the computer games are merely a side products of computer technologies and themselves possess no posititive influence on the upbringing of children. I concede that unduly personal attachment and constant indulgence will only bring negative impacts on children, but I have to point out that the computer games, is de facto programs themselves, not only become the new trend of social leisure time acitivities (Why 'social' in particular? Yes, there are online gaming communities and all, but a lot of games are still console-based and personal.), but also can serve as an instrument for education when harnessed properly. Along with those benefits, the computer games also helps regulating children's social behavior and personality, preventing them from suffering the vices of intoxication (You can get intoxicated from a lot of things, from alcohol to love. What exactly is your kind of 'intoxication' here?), drugs abuse and teenage pregnancy (This is a non sequitur, because computer games do not necessarily cause children to be better behaved, unless you have evidence that this is indeed the case. Otherwise, playing computer games and behaving badly remain independent of each other. They might be indirectly related in some way but they are not in a direct causation kind of relationship. One way to test this is to flip the argument around and negate it – if computer games do prevent children from behaving badly, then children who do behave badly must not play computer games, which is quite obviously false. The most you could say is probably that computer games may help to prevent juvenile delinquency, that's all.).

Foremost among the problems that are connected with the statement is that it is faulty in nature (Something that is 'faulty in nature' is a logical contradiction, something that is wrong by definition, e.g. 'Cats are not animals'. The statement given, on the other hand, is not 'faulty' in this sense – that's why you can write essays to debate it.). As the very zeitgeist of computer programming technologies, video games are the very incarnations of internet entertainments and leisure time activities (Video games have existed long before the Internet, if you are too young to know the age of gaming consoles like the Atari. You won't be penalized for such factual trivia for TOEFL, but bear in mind that just because the Internet is the single most influential embodiment of computing technology today doesn't mean everything related to computers/computing must also be related to the Internet.). For example, the worldwide electronic sports events have been held for almost 20 years continuously (If you're talking about the official ES World Cup, that's only about 10 years I think. Again, you won't be penalized for such things, but it'll be important that you get your facts right in proper academic writings.). Not only does it entertains teenagers and young adults alike, but also it brings rejoice for the computer and electronics manufacturers and programmers. Since all this consumption of waste-free carnival (I'm not getting this expression. Why would a carnival be 'consumed'? Why would you call it 'waste-free'? You need quite some electricity and hardware to run all those computer games and all, and the infrastructure to support the spectators nonetheless..I don't see how 'waste-free' it could be, compared to not holding such an event at all.) is a great boost for the market economy (A translation of 市场经济..yes?) that was teetering on the precipice. With the mutual benefits delivered, I find it hard to imagine that people still carry such bigotry towards computer games, and the whole IT industry it represented. (Yeah, it's a huge market and all..but you didn't really address the question, that is, to play computer games, in general, is a waste of time, blah. Your example of electronic sports can be easily refuted, e.g. 'but not everyone who plays computer games would participate in electronic sports and benefit from it, and most of these non-competitive players would likely generate no benefit for themselves, and from this personal perspective they might indeed be wasting their own time (while maybe creating profits for the games' developers, sure)', or 'not all computer games are represented by the electronic sports industry so those playing these minority games would likely not benefit', blah, so the mere fact that ES is huge has only partial bearing on a discussion that aims at computer game playing in general. This is not saying that you can't talk about ES – you just have to either 1. bring your point about ES back around into the larger picture of computer gaming in general; or 2. start your argument with some qualification about ES being the predominant form of computer gaming today. You can't just jump straight into ES as if it is the one and only form of computer gaming. Of course, as usual, TOEFL standards are not this demanding, but mine are.)

Aside from the fact that computer games is a fashionable way for diversions and recreations (Didn't see where this was addressed so far.), itself can also been adopted and modified for educational purposes. As mentioned before, computer games are programs by default. Therefore, after the programmer ciphered the computer languages, it is up to the games player to comprehend and decipher it again (Why would a player want to decipher the 'languages' used to create the game, if he just wants to play the game? It's like, why do you want to learn how to play the piano if all you want to do is to hear a recording of Chopin's music? Other than to crack the game and manipulate it I can't think of any reasonable excuse for doing this.). Undoubtedly, both of the durations require extreme mental processing (I would personally comment that this is actually not as difficult as you might imagine, most of the time..it's usually just tedious and takes a lot of getting used to.), thus is a perfect intellectual activity for the participant. Military facilities such as the USMC have their own methods to train new marines, which is using a simulation of battlefield to test all the recruits and scoring by their individual performances under specific conditions. More instances, such as college professors using programs to simulate the possible outcomes of historical events (This is not a complete sentence.). From here we can see, that computer games can render and modify the education and training sessions in  such an effective and efficient way (Good. This is what I mean by 'bringing' your examples 'back around' into the larger picture of computer gaming in general.), thus will undoubtedly alter the courses and horizons of the conventional education methods (I could well argue that these programs are simulations and are not strictly 'games', because their primary purposes are not necessarily to provide entertainment. The definition of 'games', of course, can be extended to anything that is simulated/imaginary and not of a real consequence, so I won't seriously challenge this particular point. Instead I'd probably just say this paragraph is not very explicitly relevant to 'children' although the point is good – and actually this would apply to your first paragraph about ES too..).

Finally but not the least ('Last but not the least'. It's a fixed expression. Don't try to rephrase it.), computer games can be a perfect resource to help guiding children in their spare time and set a paragon of virtue for them. I can think of no better illustration than the statistics. Experts from the Department of Sociology in Peking University pointed out that the average teenagers' smoking, alcoholic consumption and pregnancy cases, have a shockingly higher rate in comparison with those who play computer games (As I said, even if this statistics was real, it only points out a correlation between computer games and reduced bad behavior, not a causation. It could be purely coincidental and means nothing, unless you have other statistical evidence that this correlation is not coincidental. The general point is this: if your argument is not logical to start with, then a piece of statistical evidence is not going to make it more logical or persuasive.). It is not difficult for us to imagine that the games are able to provide children with a safe shield from negative influences since it ('It' obviously makes no sense since it can only refer to 'shield'. But even though I could correct this to 'they', I still don't know what it refers to, since there're three plural noun phrases in the previous sentence: 'games', 'children', 'influences'..) need such tenseful (You mean, 'heightened'..) level of concentration and the programs themselves are always fun to try.

To put all in a nutshell, it's time to end the prejudice and preoccupied bias against computer games that rarely have been more profitable and double down on illumination of the populace (To 'double down' was a term from Blackjack, a form of poker gambling, and means 'to take risky actions expecting huge returns'. It doesn't simply mean 'to increase the effort' on doing something..yet.) on the positive impacts computer games brought upon their children. As a way of recreation and entertainment, children under parental guidance (Now that was not discussed anywhere in the essay.) can literally been educated while enjoying their leisure time. With such a beneficial instrument's assistance, parents can easily cultivate in children the proper means of social behavior and prevents them from undesired habits and all the vices.(Why all these sentences about parental involvement all of a sudden in the conclusion? The conclusion is not a place to open up new points. As said previously, your arguments are good but they are not very explicitly addressing the 'children' bit of the question. This question has two parts: 1. computer gaming is a waste of time; 2. children should not be allowed to play computer games. Your essay, therefore, would ideally either 1. cover both parts in each sub-point; or 2. cover each part rather extensively with one sub-point. What you can't do is to suddenly remember that there's a 'children' in the question and start addressing it with new material in the conclusion.)

总结:

(嘛这个ID让我想起了pumpkin scissors。。)好吧只能说请你注意拼写和单复数否则你这些很闪亮的长句和词汇都会被抹黑的。。论述上是各种高屋建瓴但实际上还是死抓着电脑游戏这一个关键字在发挥(而且你还很不幸地碰上了我这种家里男人是以破解游戏为业余爱好的前程序员同时自己也是前程序员兼半个游戏控的伪专业人士,于是更加被各种挑眼。。)而不是兼顾题目的整体,于是洋洋洒洒说了半天也没把题目要你说的说清楚,嘛。。

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地板
发表于 2013-3-18 23:06:57 |只看该作者
3.18

Some prefer buy new technological devices; others having them when that are well-adopted. Which do you prefer?

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发表于 2013-3-19 18:46:01 |只看该作者

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发表于 2013-3-19 19:15:21 |只看该作者
好了
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发表于 2013-3-20 12:56:59 |只看该作者
加油哦
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发表于 2013-3-20 17:12:06 |只看该作者
stancy_zhang 发表于 2013-3-20 12:56
加油哦

发现自己发错了。。那篇是下面一位童鞋的。。。这篇是你的。。不好意思啊
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发表于 2013-3-20 21:14:46 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 frozensmile 于 2013-3-20 21:16 编辑

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发表于 2013-3-21 19:42:58 |只看该作者
不好意思发错了,那个都被我删了,不过你的作文,我印象蛮深,写的很好,尤其是用词,但是就是语法基本问题有点多,会影响你整体得分,复数前用the,动词的单复数。请注意哦

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发表于 2013-3-22 20:57:49 |只看该作者
昨天的我不寫了,改好的給你放上來了~小建議,下次用完標點注意加一個空格!!!強迫癥看到那麼多紅線傷不起
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GRE梦想之帆 寄托兑换店纪念章

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发表于 2013-3-23 17:48:36 |只看该作者
ok
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发表于 2013-3-24 23:53:33 |只看该作者
加油!建议楼主注意下标点符号
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发表于 2013-3-25 21:58:55 |只看该作者
不好意思啊,请查收
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发表于 2013-3-26 11:09:52 |只看该作者
怎么没有看到lz25日的作文呢?

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RE: 【独立写作】Pumpkinhead89作业贴 [修改]
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