【独立写作】徐智德 求大神们拍砖，好改进自己

徐智德UID：3343640

TOPIC:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.（TPO 06托福考题 独立写作部分）


As our civilization has developed,one thing is questioned by more and more people.Is our life today better than the days our parents spend when they were children? Well there is no doubt that nowadays our technology move forward and we have more convenient facilities.But as a matter of fact,we should not ignore the problems that these development bring.In my opinion,I hold my idea that life today is harder and less comfortable than it was when our grandparents were children.

Firstly,our society today has already become a machine which is running rapidly.All of us are totally components on the machine.We have a large number of work to do everyday.And we have much more things to do to keep pace with the era.We must need to work more efficient to earn lees money.We should spend all days with our colleagues preparing one project.Such burden things make us too tired to be happy.

Secondly,as our science has moving forward,much more pollution have been made by these techniques.Our environment in fact has been determined and so is our body.We breathe the dirty air ,we drink the polluted water,we have heavy work and we suffer more disasters than ever. In the age of internet,we have been more easy to get the information we want,but our personal privacy are also stolen by hackers.In the old days without internet people may cost a little more time to search for the information whereas it will be safe to protect our personal things.

Furthermore, The price of apartment which we will buy,how to take care of my family members and what I should do for my career in the future always confuse everybody in this world.I think in the old days my grandparents are more free.They don't have the pressure to com petite with so many people and don't have to worry about such nuisance.

In a conclusion,a country's prosperity is not measured by how much GDP it makes in a year but how happy its citizens are.As more pollution poisoning our body and heavy work which has less welfare make our spirit exhausted I think our condition is much poor than the days when our parents were children.

sodapengUID：3242849

As our civilization has developed,one thing is questioned by more and more people.Is our life today better than the days our parents spend when they were children? Well there is no doubt that nowadays our technology move forward and we have more convenient facilities.But as a matter of fact,we should not ignore the problems that these developments bring.In my opinion,I hold my idea that life today is harder and less comfortable than it was when our grandparents were children.（开头好，有背景，有观点）

Firstly,our society today has already become a machine which is running rapidly.All of us are totally components on(of) the machine.We have a large number of work to do everyday.And we have much more things to do to keep pace with the era.We must need to (删)work more efficient to earn lees money.（这句不通，lz想表达什么意思？）We should spend all days with our colleagues preparing one project.Such burden things make us too tired to be happy.
首先要说，这段的段首，lz说society 是 running machine。这并不是你这段的论点。你这段的论点应该是现在人们的工作压力，工作任务比过去大。所以这句话才是你要写在段首的话，社会是running machine 只能作为你后面论证的部分，来证明你段首的这个观点。段首一定是该段的中心，后面的论证都是围绕着段首句展开。其次lz这段只是单纯的罗列你的论点，没有实际的论据来证明你的观点，干巴巴的论点让人很难信服。而且，题目是比较现在和过去哪个更comfortable，那么在论证的时候，要提到和现在相比，过去的工作压力不大，而不是单纯的说现在的工作量大。

Secondly,as our science has moving forward,much more pollution have been made by these techniques.Our environment in fact has been determined （deteriorated）and so is our body.We breathe the dirty air ,we drink the polluted water,we have heavy work （这句脱离该段轮点 应去掉）and we suffer more disasters than ever. In the age of internet,we have been more easy to get the information we want,but our personal privacy are also stolen by hackers.In the old days without internet people may cost a little more time to search for the information whereas it will be safe to protect our personal things.（同样与该段论点不同。）
这段的段首写的不错，直接说明more pollution的观点。但是后面还是和第一段一样，没有展开。只是单纯列举你的一个个点。并且这段末尾又加了一个论点，隐私问题。两个论点只用100字来论述，不用看内容就知道一定没有展开。论证不充分。

Furthermore, The price of apartment which we will buy,how to take care of my family members and what I should do for my career in the future always confuse everybody in this world.I think in the old days my grandparents are more free.（单单一句i think 就说明过去的人不同考虑这些问题，如何让别人相信你的观点？）They don't have the pressure to competite with so many people and don't have to worry about such nuisance.
还是和上面两段问题一样，只是罗列事实，他们不用考虑这 不用考虑那，没有实质的论证和论据


In a conclusion,a country's prosperity is not measured by how much GDP it makes in a year but how happy its citizens are.As more pollution poisoning our body and heavy work which has less welfare （前文未说明该观点）make our spirit exhausted I think our condition is much poor than the days when our parents were children.

首先，lz的文章让人觉得你是想哪就写哪，每个论点都很散，粗粗几笔带过，每个方面都说了一点，但每个方面都没有说深。 其次就是论证不充分的问题。缺少论证与论据。 写托福作文，就是写一篇文章，说明你同意哪个观点，并证明你的观点。要证明一个观点，无非就两种方法：1 列举事实说明 2 逻辑推理。 因为2并不是所有人都能掌握的，很容易就写成很空的文章，因此大多都选用事实来说明自己的论点。所以每段最好都有相应的例子来证明该段观点，这样才能让人信服。
语言方面，单句过多。当然不是说要求你全部都是长句。但是句式一定要赋予变化，这也是托福评分的一个方面。长短句结合最理想。试试被动，从句的方式来表达你的观点。
最后lz注意每个标点符号后面是要有空格的， 不然你可以把你的这篇文章放到word里试试，一定满篇红==

月明日暗UID：3400027

亲~~可以参加托福写作小组哦~~

徐智德UID：3343640

月明日暗 发表于 2013-2-27 22:39
亲~~可以参加托福写作小组哦~~

嗯嗯，求引荐.…

sodapengUID：3242849

word 不知咋崩溃掉了，lz凑合看吧。

sodapengUID：3242849

建议lz参加版上的互改小组

徐智德UID：3343640

sodapeng 发表于 2013-2-28 00:07
建议lz参加版上的互改小组

非常感谢您的评价！！！我会去的！！！谢谢！！！！

徐智德UID：3343640

sodapeng 发表于 2013-2-27 20:40
As our civilization has developed,one thing is questioned by more and more people.Is our life today  ...

其实写的乱主要还是写着写着就不知道该往下怎么写了....写作刚刚起步，最近写东西上瘾