issue19 thank first!!

fortitudesagUID: 139374

2. "If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

12:11
In the era of rapid social and technological development leading to increasing life complexities and psychological displacement, the entire human created enormous fortune in the whole history. Even though this is the case, there still do exist a fierce debate on which whether success of overall society should take precedence over the well being of its individual citizens or the opposite. In my opinion, though society thrives through its own overall success, the process of pursuing this goal would be to respect the well-being of its citizens.

On the one hand, success of any society would be based on the entire development of the society rather than the development of any individual in this society. Examples which would lend strong support to this point of view abound in the whole human history. As we know, the modern society would be classified into three levels in which one super advanced country is the United States; some developed countries consists of a few western countries, like England, France, German, Japanese, and so on; a large amount of developing countries comprise the most part countries in Asia and Africa. In this case, we must confess that the only super advanced country has regarded as the paradigm of the human civilization, and that this country consists of the civilization in most fields, especially in the domain of science and technology, as well as the humanities. Therefore, the most portion of this country would contribute to the final success of this country instead of a few parts of individuals in this country.

On the other hand, any society consists of countless amounts of individuals who to a great extent care about their own development or their influence on their time, though minority of the population might be concerned with the entire society. From the anecdote around our life, we would go so far to see its credibility.

Furthermore, taking into account the well-being would drive people to work more hard for their society. The former Soviet Union would be appropriate example in this point. Several decades ago, in order to compete with the capitalism countries, this country give more funds in to the heavy industries and less on the light industries. As a result, people in this country would be guaranteed their survival condition though they might achieve more in their military field, which has been hindering the development of this country.

On the contrary, ignoring the well-being of the individual citizens would hurt their passion on the productivity, and thereafter influencing the whole development of society. Another example in China concerning the public community would meet this point. People in that time are forced to turn their possession in to the government for the development of their country and lose their passion in the production, and these events have caused enormous waste to the poor country.

To all intents and all purposes, it is a matter of goal and method in which we should take for granted both instead of anyone of them. Only through taking into account both aspects of this matter could we achieve enormous accomplishment in the development of the whole society and the improvement of the life condition of any individual in this society.

(534 words）
13:07

imongUID: 140258

这篇文章我接了

下午太忙了，今天晚上把修改稿贴上来。

imongUID: 140258

实在抱歉！

今天晚上去班聚的时候去的有点晚，结果开始灌酒，八点半回到宿舍倒头就睡（其间还claim了n遍“地球是圆的~~~”）现在刚刚醒第一次，胃里还有点不舒服的~

自己爽约了，实在对不起，我会尽快拿出修改稿的，看到一个很热心的人，没有理由不接一下的。（现在不行啊，神志有问题^_^）

imongUID: 140258

醒了之后就睡不着了，faint……还是过来改作文吧。

12:11
In the era of rapid social and technological development leading to（这个地方用从句似乎比用分词好） increasing life complexities（用单数？） and psychological displacement, the entire human created enormous fortune in the whole history.（感觉有点chinglish，全人类创造了无数的财富？全人类的话不一定要用entire，create似乎不如用accumulate之类的词，in the whole history则可能是介词用得有点问题，几个点都加到一起去了。） Even though this is the case（是不是用despite比较好，更紧凑）, there still do exist（这里exist是不是用错了，我没有看到过exist sth的说法，只看到过sth exist） a fierce debate on which whether success of overall society should take precedence over the well being of its individual citizens or the opposite（似乎可以用vice versa的，不过我不敢确定，你也查一下吧。）. In my opinion, though society thrives through its own overall success, the process of pursuing this goal would be to respect the well-being of its citizens.这句话表达的不是最准确。注意一下，用词和组句要尽量抛开中文的影子，甚至在开始的阶段要有意作出变动，为了写出更漂亮更准确的表达。你写的是：在我看来，虽然…，仍然…，从你的英文都可以看出来你中文的构思了，我认为这是应该被改进的。当然，不是完全否定中文结构以及其作用，不管哪种语言，结构上肯定总会有共通的地方。自己掌握一下吧。而且，开头的套话我认为没有必要。关于套话以前讨论过，如果有兴趣的话翻翻老帖子，可能不是太好找。而且，我没看懂你的论点（！！）

On the one hand, success of any society would be based on the entire development of the society rather than the development of any individual in this society. Examples which（that） would lend strong support to this point of view（of view多余了） abound in the whole human history. As we know, the modern society would be classified into three levels（categories）(加个逗号？) in which one super advanced country is the United States（这里最好不要用is作动词，用主动态的表达，United States做分句的主语，不过我也没想好用那个动词，惭愧）; some developed countries consists of（consisted of?似乎是个严重错误） a few western countries, like England, France, German, Japanese, and so on; a large amount of developing countries comprise（comprised of?） the most part countries in Asia and Africa.这一连串的表达，如何用最清晰明白的结构表述出你的平行意群，两三句话说不清楚。你现在的表达式稍有问题的。而且，as we know的话，人家可能很难接受，你怎么知道判卷子的会同意你的三个class的划分呢？不如写成as it is widely accepted。 In this case, we must confess that the only super advanced country has （been?是被regard吧？）regarded as the paradigm of the human civilization, and that this country consists of the civilization in most fields, especially in the domain of science and technology, as well as the humanities. Therefore, the most portion of this country would contribute to the final success of this country instead of a few parts of individuals in this country. 我觉得论点好像有问题？还是不明白你的意思。怎么就一下子说到individual了，恕我没转过来。

On the other hand, any society consists of countless amounts（不是吧，countless amount用来说人，感觉很不舒服的样子） of individuals who to a great extent care about their own development or their influence on their time, though minority of the population might be concerned with the entire society. From the anecdote around our life, we would go so far to see its credibility. 你的意思有点费解，可能是用词有问题。你是不是想说任何社会里，多数人都是关心自己，少数人关心整体？我觉得你这次consist of用得比较多，要慎用，这一段的观点句组装的有点问题。

Furthermore, taking into account the well-being（啊，可以这样顺序吗？我不知道） would drive people to work more hard（more hard可是不应该犯的错误啊） for their society. The former Soviet Union would be appropriate example in（to? for?） this point. Several decades ago, in order to compete with the capitalism countries, this country give(过去时，而且我觉得用put比较好) more funds in to the heavy industries and（and不如while，用一个能代表平行对照的词） less on the light industries. As a result, people in this country would be guaranteed their survival condition（那种critical的情景没有写出来，哪怕加个only也比现在的表达要好啊，语气不太对头的） though they might achieve more in their military field, which has been hindering the development of this country.都是过去时，注意了。举完例子，如果不是水到渠成的那种，不妨sum一下。

On the contrary, ignoring the well-being of the individual citizens would hurt（还有更好的词） their passion on the productivity, and thereafter influencing（用分词肯定是错的） the whole development of society. Another example in China concerning the public community would meet this point. People in that time are forced to turn their possession in to the government for the development of their country and lose their passion in the production, and these events have caused enormous waste to the poor country. 用词的表达仍然有欠缺，不够到位，不过在最近几天的new post里面算是比较好的了。

To all intents and all purposes, it is a matter of goal and method in which we should take for granted both instead of anyone of them. Only through taking into account both aspects of this matter could we achieve enormous accomplishment in the development of the whole society and the improvement of the life condition of any individual in this society.
我提的问题基本上都在用词和组句上，论点没有细看。我觉得你的论述并不是非常有力的。你不妨寻求一下别人关于论述上的意见，然后反思一下到底你的论点是什么，是怎么组装的。

我给你改了两篇文章，语言上的问题说了不少了。等等看下次别的斑竹有没有兴趣给你看看论证上的问题 :) 像你这样的一等奖候选人我想应该是没问题的。

fortitudesagUID: 139374

thanks first!!!
1. In the era of rapid social and technological development leading to（这个地方用从句似乎比用分词好）:这是范文的第一句，应该没问题吧？
2.  there still do exist（这里exist是不是用错了，我没有看到过exist sth的说法，只看到过sth exist）:  在你给我改的第一篇中建议我的，我也觉得不妥，word也提示错误。------However, we must confess that there really are（there really be的用法有，但是似乎不如the do v.的结构更为常见，建议使用there do exist或者类似表达）（I paraphase)
3.  In my opinion, though......, ...... 是孙远的闪光句型，怎么也chinglish？
4.  levels（categories）前者是不是有优劣之分，后者是不是同等对待？
5. one super advanced country is the United States（这里最好不要用is作动词，用主动态的表达，United States做分句的主语，不过我也没想好用那个动词，惭愧）   -------in which the United States is so far in the lead.------might be better?
6. some developed countries consists of（consisted of?似乎是个严重错误）------includes会不会更好？
7.  comprise（comprised of?）我查过金山词霸，这是例句：The house comprises ten rooms.
这所房子包括10个房间。
8。 more hard（more hard可是不应该犯的错误啊）-----道歉，我和word都没看出来。
9. On the contrary, ignoring the well-being of the individual citizens would hurt（还有更好的词） their passion on the productivity, and thereafter influencing（用分词肯定是错的）-----你敢肯定？我好像在哪篇范文上看到的句型。
10. 你不妨寻求一下别人关于论述上的意见，然后反思一下到底你的论点是什么，是怎么组装的。----- 我是想说两者兼顾，二段说注重整体，三、四五段注重群众的利益，四段进一步说，五段反过来说，我也不知道怎样更好，因为范文也是这么写的。
别的修改我都同意，thank again!

imongUID: 140258

那个exist的问题，我早上改的时候也在犯嘀咕，我也考虑到了上次的问题的。但是仍然做出了今天早上的判断。我觉得这件事我们都应该去确认一下，好吗？

In my opinion, though...  so far it is fine，问题可能出在后面的用词。

level和category的问题，我只能说category是曾经有过的用法，对level的话，我没有把握，建议你自己确认一下。

influencing的话我凭感觉讲很不舒服，关键可能是这个influecing的地位，到底是和前面哪里平行，似乎没说清楚。

很高兴你能指出这么多的疑问，因为我写作文的时候和改作文的时候，虽然在琢磨，但是一切从语感出发，感觉好了就写，而不是和语法书确认。所以肯定不能避免出错的。我一直也在努力让自己的修改能够更加准确，减少错误，千万不要误导了别人才是。所以我非常高兴看到你的反问。有些问题，不妨当作我的单方面意见，再去找身边的人问问呗。

wallisUID: 111832

我也来说两句
In the era of rapid social and technological development leading to increasing life complexities and psychological displacement, (去掉the entire )human(beings have accumulated) created enormous fortune (from antient times)in the whole history. Even though this is the case, there still do exist a fierce debate on which whether success of overall society should take precedence over the well being of its individual citizens or the opposite. In my opinion, though society thrives through its own overall success, the process of pursuing this goal (would be to respect)(must take   the well-being of its citizens as an prerequisite).

On the one hand, success of any society would be based on the entire development of the society rather than the development of any individual in this society. Examples which would lend strong support to this point of view abound in the whole human history. As we know, the modern society would be classified into three levels in which one super advanced country is the United States; some developed countries consists of a few western countries, like England, France, German, Japanese, and so on; a large amount of developing countries comprise the most part countries in Asia and Africa. In this case, we must confess that the only super advanced country has regarded as the paradigm of the human civilization, （适当捧捧鬼子也是一个好计策，哈哈，不过说的确实是实话）and that this country consists of the civilization in most fields, especially in the domain of science and technology, as well as the humanities. Therefore, the most portion of this country would contribute to the final success of this country instead of a few parts of individuals in this country.

On the other hand, any society consists of countless amounts of individuals who to a great extent care about their own development or their influence on their time, though minority of the population might be concerned with the entire society. From the anecdote around our life, we would go so far to see its credibility.

Furthermore, taking into account the well-being would drive people to work more hard for their society. The former Soviet Union would be appropriate example in this point. （Several 此词似乎多余）decades ago, in order to compete with the capitalism countries, this country give more funds in to the heavy industries and less on the light industries. As a result, people in this country would be guaranteed their survival condition though they might achieve more in their military field, which has been hindering the development of this country.

On the contrary, ignoring the well-being of the individual citizens would hurt（depress) their passion on the productivity, and thereafter influencing the whole development of society. Another example in China concerning the public community would meet this point. People in （用of可能好一点]that time are forced to turn their possession in to the government for the development of their country and lose their passion in the production, and these events have caused (an enormous waste of the country's resource这样可能自然一点，呵呵)enormous waste to the poor country.

To all intents and all purposes, it is a matter of goal and method in which we should take for granted both instead of anyone of them. Only through taking into account both aspects of this matter could we achieve enormous accomplishment in the development of the whole society and the improvement of the life condition of any individual in this society.

fortitudesagUID: 139374

thank wallis!!
the word of depress make me most comfortable!
work hard together!

genie05UID: 30358

Furthermore, taking into account the well-being（啊，可以这样顺序吗？我不知道） would drive people to work more hard（more hard可是不应该犯的错误啊） for their society. The former Soviet Union would be an appropriate example in（to? for?） this point.