issue196 will anybody help me ?

sherrenUID: 140655

196：Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life.

opening: The purpose of the progress of technology is to make the lives of people more comfortable and convenient. In most situations, the aim can become true as what the designer expected, but the designers difficultly exclude all accidences which are caused by the technology and have opposite effects on human’s lives, furthermore, the more developed the technology becomes, the higher the accidental rate is.

Transportation has been greatly improved from ancient times to now from walking to airplane. It is true that the development of vehicles make the life more efficient: the airplane take a few hours from the north end of China to that of the south, and train spends a few days, and bike needs a few months, and at last walking is the slowest. But sometimes opposite phenomena happen: the dealing process at the airport is too tedious and slow, and it maybe spends you shorter time by car or train than by airplane if you travel from one city to its neighboring cities. Within one city, during the rush hour, traffic jam have more and more become a frequent accidence in most developed countries, and consequently, in fact, bikes might be more effective vehicles than cars for those travelers whose spanning distance is not too long.

As for communicating instruments aspect, internet and cellular phone are popular nowadays instead of letters in the past. By internet and cellular phone, people can communicate with others immediately similar to face to face, while, by letter, people will have to wait a few days. However, the conveniences are accompanied by more economical burdens and the contract of the private space, even at last this progress of technology might lead to people’s enormous spiritual and physical agony for you are overwhelmed by more things that you are reluctant to deal with but you have to because this technology made you be found almost anywhere you secrete.

Automation is typically one of embodiments of technological advance nowadays. It is true that automation realized the possibility of mass production of many goods within a very short time by only few technological managing persons manipulating machines, contrasting to the small groups manufactured in manual mills by numerous workers in the past. And another merit of the machine is that it, to some degree, is more reliable than persons. However, the higher degree automations are developed to, the more dependable people will become on machines, consequently, the lower abilities of people can deal with accidences aused by the suspension of machines, and at the same time, the lazier people become and the more they are lacking of creativity.

To sum up, technological progress do make big mutations to our lives, and it do facilitate our lives in some degree, but the negative influences it bring on to human’s lives should not be overlooked at the same time, and even sometimes those might be more pivotal to human society.

豌豆UID: 144569

196：Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life.

opening: The purpose of the progress of technology is to make the lives of people more comfortable and convenient. In most situations, the aim can become true as what the designer expected, but the designers difficultly (,the designers difficultly 从下面一句话看出来似乎是说技术上的不当之处,但表达欠到位)exclude all accidences which are caused by the technology and have opposite effects on human’s lives, (exclude和have?小心语法)furthermore, the more developed the technology becomes, the higher the accidental rate (risk更好,直接用accident)is.
furthermore开始的那个句子已经是另一个句子了
Transportation has been greatly improved from ancient times to now from walking to airplane. It is true that the development of vehicles make the life more efficient: the airplane take a few hours from the north end of China to that of the south, and train spends a few days, and bike needs a few months, and at last walking is the slowest. But sometimes opposite phenomena happen: the dealing process at the airport is too tedious and slow, and it maybe spends you shorter time by car or train than by airplane if you travel from one city to its neighboring cities.(这个例子举的不够恰当,从一个城市到 另一个城市为什么会火车比飞机快呢?仅仅因为要等很长时间吗? dealing process 这个表达方法也不是很好.)Within one city, during the rush hour, traffic jam have more and more become a frequent accidence in most developed countries, and consequently, in fact, bikes might be more effective vehicles than cars for those travelers whose spanning distance is not too long.这个 理由倒是有说服力,看到这里,我觉得你的表达方法虽然说没有错误,但给人感觉不是很象g的作文,并不是词汇多寡的问题,而是句型的运用,选词的到位与否

As for communicating instruments aspect, internet and cellular phone are popular nowadays instead of letters in the past. By internet and cellular phone, people can communicate with others immediately similar to(similar to?考虑一下??) face to face, while, by letter, people will have to wait a few days. However, the conveniences are accompanied by more economical (这个词是经济的,节约的意思,而不是经济的形容词形式)burdens and the contract of the private space, even at last this progress of technology might lead to people’s enormous spiritual and physical agony for you are overwhelmed by more things that you are reluctant to deal with but you have to because this technology made you be found almost anywhere you secrete.这个长句子需要好好斟酌一下

Automation is typically one of embodiments of technological advance nowadays. It is true that automation realized (想说实现了....的意思是吗?那就不要用realized)the possibility of mass production of many goods within a very short time by only few technological managing persons manipulating machines, contrasting to the small groups manufactured in manual mills by numerous workers in the past. And another merit of the machine is that it, to some degree, is more reliable than persons. However, the higher degree automations are developed to, (这个表达也有些问题,widespread,to some  extend先说一下可以替换的词,不好意思,要上课来不及了)the more dependable people will become on machines, consequently, the lower abilities of people can deal with accidences aused by the suspension of machines, and at the same time, the lazier people become and the more they are lacking of creativity.其实这一段关于自动化的缺点说的不是很好，应该来说,没有机器的 情况会很少

To sum up, technological progress do make big mutations(mutations一般是说基因的) to our lives, and it do facilitate our lives in some degree, but the negative influences it bring on to human’s lives should not be overlooked at the same time, and even sometimes those might be moremore pivotal to human society. 你的行文中没有表现出来有某个关于技术的缺点是moremore pivotal to human society的,应该在文章里指出
最后,你的表达方式问题是一个目前最需要改进的问题
这篇文章看起来很好写,但要写的好很重要的一点是要让人觉得你的思路很清晰,很扣题,你写的有点杂,也没有很好地扣住题目,从哪方面写到哪方面中间最好有过渡