请大家看看我的个人陈述会不会给我减分吧

Sissi1UID: 3378923

After learning management knowledge for almost four years, I hope to become a manager at a bank.

In the college, I took part in many social programs to practicing myself, such as the project of Wetland Ambassadors hosted by World Wide Fund For Nature Beijing Office and Coca-Cola Company (Shanghai), in which we beat all the teams from dozens of universities and won the First National Prize, and the project of Keep A Pail of Water from Environmental Protection Foundation (Beijing) where my team got an honorary title of The National Outstanding Team. Besides, as a student member of Publicity Department in Jiangxi Youth Development Foundation established by the Communist Youth League of Jiangxi Provincial Party Committee in August 1991, I helped propagandize it to the public. Also, I took an active part in many kinds of student groups in which I played an important role. In the summer vacation of 2012, I got my internship to be a camp manager in Cnature Conservation Association (Beijing). During these practice, I tried to accumulate more experience and hoped that these practicing would be good for my future.

But I also realize that the knowledge I have learned is not enough. If wanting to go futher in the bank, the ability of understanding useful data and the financial knowledge is indispensable. Therefore, I hope to join the program to improve my ability of analysis and help me to become an effective manager at a bank in the future.

Sissi1UID: 3378923

我申请理工的运筹学与风险管理专业，ps是optional的，交这个ps会不会反而给我减分呢？？？其实这个已经交了，不能改~~~~~~~~~纠结啊

pyxingUID: 3229189

貌似这个专业很看重数学背景的

starpnieUID: 3397103

除了有点语法错误和表达awkward。。。其它都还好啦。传了能更让教授了解你的能力，不过这样的材料最好写在CV中，一条条写， 名称，得奖名次，比赛内容，清晰一点，这样混成一团老师没耐心看的感觉

tomneyjojoUID: 3355877

强调你的数理统计统计之类方面的背景 这个专业要求数学很好 真不骗你 我面过。。。数学知识要过硬

yihexuanUID: 3366196

恩，怎么说呢，看了就是有点“申请人语言能力一般”的感觉。对你的专业要求我也不是很懂，但是总的来说，我认为ps应该表达的是内因、推动力，如果罗列一些得奖、活动什么的，最好是写在CV里。个人意见。

damao517UID: 3413699

我觉得是这样的啦，

PS 讲你的motivation，你为什么要读，为什么他们应该选你去读。还有你对你申请的专业的一些个人见解也可以放进去。

CV 才是你罗列你得过的奖和个人经历的地方。

Sissi1UID: 3378923

starpnie 发表于 2013-4-26 00:17
除了有点语法错误和表达awkward。。。其它都还好啦。传了能更让教授了解你的能力，不过这样的材料 ...

语法错误？？、？哪里？

Sissi1UID: 3378923

pyxing 发表于 2013-4-25 23:26
貌似这个专业很看重数学背景的

是啊~一开始不知道~~~~~申完了才后悔~~~~~~~~

ccroyUID: 3427417

我觉得你这个就是个cv的啰嗦版..ps应该让教授更系统全面的了解你对学习专业生活的观点，包括对自己的理解。甚至是家庭背景对你的影响.对未来的计划和感悟。你最好先用中文写，直接用英文太限制你的思路和表达

starpnieUID: 3397103

Sissi1 发表于 2013-4-26 10:45
语法错误？？、？哪里？

the project of Wetland Ambassadors hosted by World Wide Fund For Nature Beijing Office and Coca-Cola Company (Shanghai), in which we beat all the teams from dozens of universities and won the First National Prize   你两个项目都得全国一等将了么？ 如果只是可口可乐的话要用限制性定语从句。
If wanting to go futher in the bank, the ability of understanding useful data and the financial knowledge is indispensable. 状语从句的省略，前提条件是主从逻辑主语一致，你从句逻辑主语是I，主句的主语是the ability， 有点问题。。。
呵呵，我英语系的，有点孔乙己，望见谅哈

Matthew2012UID: 3420439

语法有点错误。。