ISSUE8 拜托大家帮我改一下,谢谢!

sniper613UID: 147372

ISSUE 8:"It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the minds and spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."


Syllabus:
1.        The purpose and effect of education is fostering people’s ability of analysis and creation.
2.        People’s ability of analysis and creation can set their minds and spirits free.
3.        Through formal education people’s minds and spirits can be set free.



In the recent years, people in the world have been talking that education, especially formal education, tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than free them. Some people agree with this point, while others do not think that formal education restrains our minds and spirits. In my opinion, formal education dose set our minds and spirits free rather than restrain them. In the following discussion I would like to present valid evidences and compact analysis to support my standpoint.


In human’s history and our modern society, it is asserted that the purpose and effect of education, especially formal education, is to foster people’s ability of analysis and creation. Through education students not only study knowledge but also learn how to analyze the questions around them and create something new. For example, a student whose major is physics such as special and general theories of relativity, through four years’ study in a university, knows much special knowledge in the field of his major. Also he can analyze many phenomena of the nature, such as a question that is why a glass cup will break when hot water is put into it. From his knowledge he can conclude a right answer. After class he will create some inventions such as a bell which can automatically rings when there are smokes. Not only in the field of physics, many other students who receive education, especially formal education, foster the ability of analysis and creation.


On the other hand, people’s ability of analysis and creation can help to set their minds and spirits free. When many old conceptions restrain people’s minds and spirits, through valid analysis and original creation people can learn that these old conceptions are false and not suit to the development of society and revoke these old conceptions or theories to free people’s minds and spirits. To illustrate this reason, there is an example. Copernicus, a famous Polish astronomer, proposed the theory that the earth and other planets revolve around the sun. In his time, nearly everyone was restraint by the conception that the earth was the center of the cosmos and all planets revolved around the earth. Copernicus analyzed the old conception and put forward many questions. Through his analysis and creation, people after him received his theory and set their minds and spirits free. From this example, it is clearly suggested that when people’s minds and spirits were restraint by something old, through compact analysis, people could find out how false the old things were. Then they would abrogate the old things and create new ones that could free the minds and spirits.


Finally in reality, education, especially formal education can set our minds and spirits free. Education, especially formal education, fosters people’s ability of analysis and creation. Through the analysis and creation, people’s minds and spirits will be set free. In order to understand the gist of my view, it is necessary to see an example that is quite pervasive. In many universities of China and other countries, a class of creation has been set for students. In this class, students fully set their minds and spirits free, propound many questions, and through analysis think out methods to answer these questions. For example, some students put forward a question that is how to write in the dark without opening lights. All students set minds free and think out so many methods. Someone thinks to set a small bulb on the top of the pen, while another one wants to add some illumines material in the ink. Through this class and formal education, students’ minds and spirits are set free rather than restraint. Without education, especially formal education, people can not foster the ability of compact analysis and free their minds and spirits.


Consequently, due to the analysis and reasons mentioned above, which sometimes correlate one another to generate an integrate entirety and thus become more pervasive than any one of them, it could be safely concluded that our minds and spirits tends to be set free rather than restraint by education, especially formal education.

coolwitsUID: 149150

ISSUE 8:"It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the minds and spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."


Syllabus:
1. The purpose and effect of education is fostering people’s ability of analysis and creation.
2. People’s ability of analysis and creation can set their minds and spirits free.
3. Through formal education people’s minds and spirits can be set free.



In the recent years, people in the world have been talking that education, especially formal education, tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than free them. Some people agree with this point, while others do not think that formal education restrains our minds and spirits. (罗嗦,others do n't think so)In my opinion, formal education dose set our minds and spirits free rather than restrain them. In the following discussion I would like to present valid evidences and compact analysis to support my standpoint.


In human’s history and our modern society, it is asserted that the purpose and effect of education, especially formal education, is to foster people’s ability of analysis and creation(creativity). Through education students not only study knowledge but also learn how to analyze the questions around them and create something new. (create something?不好吧？好像接受教育的人都能够造东西似的，不如说能够handle things in creative ways)For example, a student whose major is physics such as special and general theories of relativity, through four years’ study in a university, knows much special knowledge in the field of his major. Also he can analyze many phenomena of the nature, such as a question that is why a glass cup will break when hot water is put into it. From his knowledge （with his knowledge）he can conclude a right answer. After class he will create some inventions such as a bell which can automatically rings when there are smokes. (每个人都能这样吗？说话太绝对了，建议看看木耳的“授之以渔”)Not only in the field of physics, many other students who receive education, especially formal education,  (can) foster the ability of analysis and creation.


On the other hand,  (和上面那段是递进关系，最好用then，consequently什么的) people’s ability of analysis and creation can help to set their minds and spirits free. When many old conceptions (concepts)restrain people’s minds and spirits, through valid analysis and original creation people can learn that these old conceptions are false and(or) not suit to the development of society(这里该断句了) and revoke these old conceptions or theories （to free people’s minds and spirits.最好删掉，很罗嗦） To illustrate this reason, there is an example. Copernicus, a famous Polish astronomer, proposed the theory that the earth and other planets revolve around the sun. In his time, nearly（almost） everyone was restraint by the conception that the earth was the center of the cosmos and all planets revolved around the earth.（it） Copernicus analyzed the old conception and put forward many questions(他提出的不是问题，而是创新的理论). Through his analysis and creation, people after him received his theory and set their minds and spirits free. From this example, it is clearly suggested that when people’s minds and spirits were restraint by something old, through compact analysis, people could find out how false the old things were. Then they would abrogate the old things and create new ones that could free the minds and spirits.
这段论证得不错，语言中规中矩，略显罗嗦


Finally in reality, education, especially formal education can set our minds and spirits free. Education, especially formal education, fosters people’s ability of analysis and creation. Through the analysis and creation, people’s minds and spirits will be set free. （你这里岂不是把上面两段的论点又拿到这边来说，这一般是结尾时的工作）In order to understand the gist of my view, it is necessary to see an example that is quite pervasive. （这句话有点霸道）In many universities of China and other countries, a class of creation has been set for students. In this class, students fully set their minds and spirits free, propound many questions, and through analysis think out methods to answer these questions. For example, some students put forward a question that is how to write in the dark without opening lights. All students set minds free and think out so many methods. Someone thinks to set a small bulb on the top of the pen, while another one wants to add some illumines material in the ink. Through this class and formal education, students’ minds and spirits are set free rather than restraint. Without education, especially formal education, people can not foster the ability of compact analysis and free their minds and spirits.
这段其实没有论点，要有也是说过的论点。
没有论点并没什么关系，事例可以独立成段
你可以一开头就说：there is a persuasive example to prove that~~~~
然后开始举例，重要的是要把例子讲清楚
cosequently, due to the analysis and reasons mentioned above, which sometimes correlate one another to generate an integrate entirety and thus become more pervasive than any one of them, it could be safely concluded that our minds and spirits tends to be set free rather than restraint by education, especially formal education.
结构很规范，论证和语言有点小问题
不过这些是很快能提高的，只要你能够多想多看
写多少篇其实不重要，关键写了一篇要被中有一篇的收获
木耳的“授之以渔”我是感觉受益匪浅，建议精读理解
其实我自己也还很菜，大家一起努力，改得不好，见笑了
ps：看到别人有什么文章要改的也去尽一份力，斑竹门可是很公平的，：）

imongUID: 140258

看到了呢，谢谢coolwits :D

sniper，注意一下 "issue8" （issue和8之间不要写空格），这是为了查找的方便，希望你能理解&合作，麻烦了。看看这里你就能体会到了： https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=154812

也希望你多多参与这里的讨论，交流拓展思路，给别人的文章提提意见，不要有“怕mislead别人”之类的顾虑，参与和交流会帮助自己提高的，帮助别人也帮助自己。引用coolwits的话，“斑竹们是很公平的哦”。:D

sniper613UID: 147372

多谢了，我是新手，刚接触作文，以后我会尽量帮着改作文的。