很烂的作文，看看吧！

bluerlynnUID: 133801

我的第一篇作文，在范文的帮助下，用时两个小时告已完成。我知道我很烂，而且烂就烂还拿出来给人看是我不对，但是我实在是没底，一月就考了，我这样能行吗？(肯定不行)
但是各位帮忙打个分吧！！！拜托了！多低我都有心理准备！！！尽管批吧！谢谢！：〉

Some students like long vacations. Others like several short vacations. Which kind of vacation do you prefer?
   
I have had a gorgeous dream that one day I will travel to Egypt and the desert areas nearby it for a long time. I often dream some things such like climbing up the pyramid, enjoying the evening sun sinks in the west of the desert, and riding a camel to travel along the Nile river and so on, which attracts me so long time. But until today, I haven’t been there, the most important reason is that I do not have a long enough vacation that makes me enjoy the dream, besides I don’t have enough money to afford the travel.
Imaging that, if I have a month or longer vacation which could make me touch the abrasion of the pyramid, feel the temperature of the desert sand an night, smell the flavor of the native snack and also visit museums, make friends with local people, or even that maybe some of historic relics would be found by me luckily, shouldn’t I thank for the long vacation? Or do you think that a weekly trip to some places remote such as some popular TV games’ prizes will make you enjoy the deeply feeling above?
So in my opinion, I prefer to have a long vacation. I like it, but it is not just because I can travel to a farther resort such as Egypt. In a long vacation, I can do lots of things that I do not have enough time to do in my routine days. For instance, I will have a chance to find a part-time job which will make me much more familiar with society. Also, a lot of books not concerned my major are waiting for me to read, which will extend my ken and give me more enjoyment.
Admittedly, short vacation has its own advantages. Notably, we will have more rests during one year and we will come back to the ordinary condition form the vacation sooner on account of a short vacation. And if we do not design a perfect plan for the long vacation, maybe we will waste the time and do something useless such as watching TV, eating foods, sleeping all day long and so on. That’s not our purpose to have vacation no matter that is short or long. But I have no idea to plan for a short vacation. It is so short that I couldn’t finish one thing that I imagine.
So comparing the advantages and disadvantages, I insist that a long vacation would be a nicer vacation if we utilize it efficiently. Of course no matter what we do in a vacation, enjoy ourselves is important.

yadcxUID: 93144

虽然写作的时间长了点，但是总的说来还是不错的——（先鼓励再打击……呵呵）
论证中存在的问题是你的论证点不够明确和清晰，即你希望从那些方面来说明你的论点，而这些方面是否能紧凑而有效地说明你的论点，这都需要在选择论证点的时候考虑到。另外，每写一句话的时候都要考虑到是否和论点有关，是否和论证点有关。这样才能让整个文章结构是逻辑紧凑和论证严密的。最后，需要注意的是论据中应加入比较的实例支持，分析的成分太多会让论证过程显得比较虚浮。

恩~基本酱紫~楼主加油地说

bluerlynnUID: 133801

问个比较白痴的问题，例子是自己编呢？还是用什么famous例子？举不出例子怎么办？

谢谢yadcx

yadcxUID: 93144

随意写，反正鬼子也不知道呀。只要符合逻辑，能强力说明论证点就可以。
怎么会写不出例子呢？大不了西红柿炒鸡蛋一类的也可以上餐桌的嘛。

bluerlynnUID: 133801

大家都在说用不用模板，模板是哪里的啊？什么模板阿？
向我这么烂的，是不是应该用用模板啊？
谢谢大虾们

xqmelissaUID: 140370

如果你想拿6分呢，建议你别用模版，但是需要你有深厚的英语功底和反复的训练
如果你想保证4-5分呢，可以用模版，好处比如说：可以不用太浪费时间在考场上面考虑如何开头、写主体、结尾；不用着急忙慌的凑字数，等等吧。但是用那种千篇一律的东西，高分比较困难

你自己权衡一下吧
另外，建议你去精华区“备考TOEFL”中看一下TWE的相关经验文章

bluerlynnUID: 133801

我的这篇是不是太长了？废话太多了？
总之，我对twe一点把握没有，而且能有4.5—5分我就很知足了！ 不知道还有多少差距？
能指点一下吗？

chusuifengUID: 15381

I have had a gorgeous dream that one day I will travel to Egypt and the desert areas nearby it for a long time.(this sentence sounds really weird) I often dream some things such like(as maybe better) climbing up the pyramid, enjoying the evening sun sinks in the west of the desert, and riding a camel to travel along the Nile river(riding a camel along the Nile river maybe more briefly) and so on, which attracts me so long time(useless maybe). But until today,(now,  if I choose) I haven’t been there, the most important(crucial, don’t use important ) reason is that I do not have a long enough vacation that makes me enjoy the dream( I don’t have long vacation to makes my dream come true), besides I don’t have enough money to afford the travel.
Imaging that, if I have a month or longer vacation which could make me touch the abrasion of the pyramid, feel the temperature of the desert sand an night, smell the flavor of the native snack and also visit museums, make friends with local people, or even that maybe (even that maybe ???) some of historic relics would be found by me(my?) luckily, shouldn’t I thank for the long vacation? Or do you think that a weekly trip to some places remote such as some popular TV games’ prizes will make you enjoy the deeply feeling above?
So(therefore maybe more formal)  in my opinion, I prefer to have a long vacation. I like it, but it is not just because I can travel to a farther resort such as Egypt. In a long vacation, I can do lots of things that I do not have enough time to do in my routine days.(In a long vacation I can do lots of things that I can’t do in a short holiday, maybe better, I am not sure) For instance, I will have a chance to find a part-time job which will make me much(maybe don’t need much) more familiar with society. Also, a lot of books not concerned my major are waiting for me to read, which will extend my ken and give me more enjoyment.
Admittedly,(on other hand, I have to admit)  short vacation has its own advantages. Notably, we will have more rests during one year and we will come back to the ordinary condition form the vacation sooner on account of a short vacation. And if we do not design(make sounds better) a perfect plan for the long vacation, maybe we will waste the time and do something useless such as watching TV, eating foods, sleeping all day long( maybe you don’t need long) and so on. That’s not our purpose to have vacation no matter that is short or long. But I have no idea to plan for a short vacation. It is so short that I couldn’t finish one thing that I imagine.
So comparing the advantages and disadvantages, I insist that a long vacation would be a nicer vacation if we utilize it efficiently. Of course no matter what we do in a vacation, enjoy ourselves is important.(the key)

chusuifengUID: 15381

this is my first time to check other people's essay
i am not familier with that, so i think i must be make a lot of mistakes
sorry for that.BTW, my grammer is suck, double check it.
bluerlynn, I think you should read some atrticles which are written by native sperker
to be honest, some of your sentenses  are really odd, although I dont know what's the problem
I hope I am not mis-leading you guys

bluerlynnUID: 133801

出了这么多错误真有点不好意思了，我知道我有多烂，不过，从根本上提高我的英文能力是不是不太可能了（一月考），有什么应试速成法吗？（我知道我有点过分了：〉）大虾们给点我考试时去蒙的能量呗：〉

to chusuifeng :i really appreciate your help! i am in Dalian too .COME ON !

ballackxjjUID: 134855

实在不行只能背范文了