【独立写作】Wanderer_2011作业贴，欢迎批评

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

欢迎欢迎~快放作文上来吧！

EnolateUID: 3283311

I definitely agree that the world is changing so quickly that people nowadays are less happy than in the past. We can easily see people who sufferedsee people suffering--你的原句缩减一下就是we can see people；不过这句话可有可无，那就不要吧 from the rapid change of the contemporary world in our surroundings.这里是否可以增加一些描述，不然很难convince读者easily suffer...，把问题挑明了说，不要默认为这个东西大家都知道 It is unfortunately but the fast introduction of new products, the fast urbanization, and some other factors have made many contemporary people worried and confused, and become less happy than people of earlier generations. The reason are as follows.这句主谓很不一致啊

First, 这个词的副词用法貌似不是指“第一点”，最好用firstly，下文的second和third要+lythe fast development of modern science and technology and their implications has应该是have啊，看你的主语 led to a fast introduction of various kinds of products into people’s life, which make people worried. These new products may be more efficient than their earlier counterparts, but they are usually more expensive. So they may be a burden for people who want them. Furthermore, since the new products generally have more functions, sometimes new functions that are not available in old products, people who buy these new product have to take a lot of time to learn how to use it properly. All these qualities of the去掉 new products make them not easy to access to most people, but people don’t want--like to be outdated, so这里怎么就so了呢 the fast introduction of new products in our age always make most people unhappy. Once they adapted to a kind of new things, there are newer ones in the market.   这句话和上文的逻辑关系不明。若是补充说层出不穷的产品让人们追赶不上，使得人焦虑什么的关联就大一些。
这段话列了第一个论点，但是缺少例子，所以显得宽泛不够具体。我读这段就觉得你在说一个很遥远很陌生的事情（因为我并没有新产品使人焦虑这个想法），如果加上具体的例子会让读者更明白你的论点，要让没有这种观点的读者有“哦原来更新过快的新产品真的使我们焦虑我都没有注意到，这个分析好”这样的感觉，那么这段就成功了。

Second, the fast urbanization is not doubt额。。 it is no doubt that the fast urbanization is..吧 another reason that makes contemporary people’s life去掉 less happy. Difficulties in housing, transportation, pollution, and so on come with the urbanization of the modern world+,which make people dissatisfied. For example, the room rent in Beijing city is 50 percent higher than it was five years before, while at the same time, the increase of income is just 10 percent higher, and the unemployment rate is higher too. Also, traffic jam has become a serious problem in most big cities in the world, 断句people have to不需要 complain in their cars or on buses almost every work days 下一句缺少和前面的衔接，有点突兀. Although the governments have try to deal with the pollution, the increase of population in cities makes it difficult to handle the rubbish and waste gases, so the air +conditionsand environment are not as good as before, which unavoidably makes应该用make people unhappy.

Third, the fast change in societies lead to a fast pace of life, which intensifies people’s unhappiness. Modern people, especially those living in cities, in order not to be怎么读起来怪怪的，我也不知道有没有错。。 outdated so that 去掉再加个逗号get lose应该是lost in the competition of their career, have to work longer hours--time and keep learning more去掉 new knowledge than in the past. The kind of pressure following the fast-faced life style is reported to be a main reason of modern people’s dissatisfaction with their life.

All in all, people are suffering the much too quick changes of contemporary world, they can hardly live as happy and quiet as in the past.

474词
有一些语法错误，注意改正；一个句子写好长--用and, which什么的连了好几个可以分开写的句子，大长句频繁出现但其实这样会显得有些凌乱，适当改成单句，长短穿插会显得有节奏感，让人看着也觉得自然（这篇的语言没有很出彩，在这个方面下点功夫会有回报的: )）；观点在第一段就已经都摆出来了，下面的论证也确实把提到的每一点都说了，但是正如我在上面写的，作者只把一些现象写出来，和自己的观点连在一起而没有指出它们之间的关系，在缺乏例证的情况下就显得这个论证很不solid：最好把这些事情怎么让人们不爽不满意写明了，不然文章会很散
语法--句子--论证
其它暂时没想好……刚开始写作文都要写很久，多练多改多思考就都会好起来的

翼_yoyoyoyoyUID: 3432838

13号的作文改好啦
以后还是传附件到一楼比较好 大家改起来都方便

我的作业在这里
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1776964818
（喂你还真是没有一点自觉啊昨天明明被分到一个组了！= =！！本来想说我今天晚了不好意思结果你居然根本就无视掉我了啊。。。。。。。）
昨天的作业我的条理没理对不过没来得及改= = 辛苦了。。。。

哦对 因为你全文一个例子都没有就忘了说了。。 例子是一定要举滴 例证是最好的论证方法 所以多写例子才是王道

翼_yoyoyoyoyUID: 3432838

噗。。。=w= 刚刚发现你是那个加QQ的孩子。。。。
我接收了你的验证消息后还发消息给你了呀但是你木有理我的样子。。。今天看到你的消息又发了呀。。。你还是木理我的样子。。。。
话说要是加我们小组的话也来跟个贴嘛~ 可以互相认识下之类的嘛

crazyrobinUID: 2368627

翼_yoyoyoyoy 发表于 2013-5-14 23:02
噗。。。=w= 刚刚发现你是那个加QQ的孩子。。。。
我接收了你的验证消息后还发消息给你了呀但是你 ...

wing同学
开个口语作业贴，我好把你的作业传上去

翼_yoyoyoyoyUID: 3432838

crazyrobin 发表于 2013-5-14 23:07
wing同学
开个口语作业贴，我好把你的作业传上去

0 0 啊？ 要单开个帖子么？？？？ 我不是有占一个楼层么

我在第33楼= = 还有你怎么找到这儿来了。。。

EnolateUID: 3283311

wanderer_2011 发表于 2013-5-14 20:11
呃，感谢楼上高手啊，发现了很多问题，自己看不出来的。
看来问题很多。
5.14的只能明早帖了。

不是高手，旁观者清嘛

翼_yoyoyoyoyUID: 3432838

wanderer_2011 发表于 2013-5-15 11:24
翼同学你13日作文的不是版主亲自操刀改了吗，所以我就偷一下懒

。。。。。还带这样的ORZ

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

Wanderer 5.14 .doc (15.5 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2013-5-15 18:22:39 上传

下载次数: 3

已改~