ISSUE78 好好练习了一篇issue，大家给点意见！

jxkingUID: 141801

78.        “Schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness of all human being and thus help eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.”

There is a general discussion nowadays about the issue of effect of essential interconnectedness of all human being. Some people argue that it is necessary for schools to teach the interconnectedness of human being in order to eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts. While others believe that such conflicts exist objectively and can not easily be removed by such effort. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the former due to the following reasons.

In the first place, all forms of conflicts such as wars and culture clashes are the consequence of misunderstanding of each other. The culture of oriental and western countries bears too much difference than similarity. It is difficult for a Chinese who has never learned about the western culture to suddenly get on well with a westerner, and the Chinese may regard the westerner’s behavior as mystery and even feel it unacceptable. For example, one professor in my college who retired last year had just returned from California where he visited his son, a eminent young executive in a big company at Los Angeles. To our great surprise, he exhibited no happiness on his face for this journey. After a careful inquiry, we learned that his American daughter-in-law requested him to move out of her house and to live in the hotel, in that she would like to hold a party at home on Friday evening. Under this circumstance, it is because our kind professor who has just received the Chinese tradition concept of family in all his life, which regards it is natural for parents and their children to live together and considers it absurd and huge indignity to ask a parent move out of his son’s house. On the contrary, if our professor realized the western habit that people call violently for independence and freedom, he would perhaps not get so angry.

In the second place, almost all the forms of conflict are, to a certain degree, able to be harmonized if it is properly and rightly handled with. As for the definition of hero in some field, different countries would greatly have distinguishing conception. One gifted Chinese CEO of Legend Corporation name Liu Quanzhi has once said (and I paraphrase here), “We Chinese people are willing to pay attention to individualism, while the Japanese are inclined to lay much more emphasis on teamwork.. therefore, it is a big mistake for a Chinese boss to reward privately his Japanese employee who exerts predominant contribution on a project, and this unwise behavior may lead to the other employee volunteer to resign together, because they would suppose it must be their fault and impotence that results in no reward which other takes. And further worse, the man who attain reward would resign once he knows that he is the only one who gets reward and his colleague has left already, for he might believe it must be his undue behavior that leads to his colleagues' retreat.” Because of profound understanding this, Mr Liu always hands out bonus publicly and averagely, and his employee work more hard together in a team which would no doubt benefit the interest of the company.

There are still other aspects relevant to the issue under discussion which, unfortunately, I have no time to explore in great detail here. However, above discussed reasons should in a large sense justify my conclusion that schools should lay much emphasis on the teaching the interconnectedness of all human being, which, though perhaps not completely, would, to a great extent, reduce the wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.

himekiUID: 112261

语言挺流畅的，
但是有的话说的太绝对了
比如第二小节第一句你说all forms of conflicts such as wars and culture clashes are the consequence of misunderstanding of each other   是吗？

我觉得你的例子在证明各地由于文化习惯有差异会导致很多矛盾啊不必要的冲突是很有说服力的
但是你通篇在School  teaching the essential interconnectedness of all human being 是怎么能在help eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts方面发挥作用上似乎少了点笔墨啊

realturtleUID: 69047

78. “Schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness of all human being and thus help eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.”

There is a general discussion nowadays about the issue of effect of essential interconnectedness of all human being. Some people argue that it is necessary for schools to teach the interconnectedness of human being in order to eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts. While others believe that such conflicts exist objectively and cannot easily be removed by such effort. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the former due to the following reasons.

In the first place, all forms of conflicts such as wars and culture clashes are the consequence of misunderstanding of each other. The culture of oriental and western countries bears too much difference than similarity. It is difficult for a Chinese who has never learned about the western culture to suddenly get on well with a westerner (to get on well with a westerner in a short time), and the Chinese may regard the westerner’s behavior as mystery and even feel it unacceptable. For example, one professor in my college who (was) retired last year had just returned from California where he visited his son, an eminent young executive in a big company at Los Angeles. To our great surprise, he exhibited no happiness on his face for (from) this journey. After a careful inquiry, we learned that his American daughter-in-law requested him to move out of her house and to live in the hotel, in that she would like to hold a party at home on Friday evening. Under this circumstance, it is because our kind professor who has just received the Chinese tradition concept of family in all his life, which regards it is natural for parents and their children to live together and considers it absurd and huge indignity to ask a parent (to) move out of his son’s house. (our kind professor who has received only the Chinese traditional concepts of family all his life, regarded it natural for parents and children to live together and considered it absurd and a huge indignity to ask a parent to move out of his son’s house) On the contrary, if our professor realized the western habit (custom) that people call violently for independence and freedom, he would perhaps not get so angry.

In the second place, almost all the forms of conflicts are, to a certain degree, able to be harmonized if it is properly and rightly handled with. As for the definition of hero in some field, different countries would greatly have distinguishing conceptions. One gifted Chinese CEO of Legend Corporation name Liu Quanzhi has once said (and I paraphrase here), “We Chinese people are willing to pay attention to individualism, while the Japanese are inclined to lay much more emphasis on teamwork.. therefore, it is a big mistake for a Chinese boss to reward privately his Japanese employee who exerts predominant contribution on a project, and this unwise behavior may lead to the other employee volunteers to resign together, because they would suppose it must be their fault and impotence that results in no reward which other takes. And further worse, the man who attain reward would resign once he knows that he is the only one who gets reward and his colleagues have left already, for he might believe it must be his undue behavior that leads to his colleagues' retreat.” Because of profound understanding this, Mr. Liu always hands out bonus publicly and averagely, and his employee work more hard (harder) together in a team, which would no doubt benefit the interest of the company.

There are still other aspects relevant to the issue under discussion, which, unfortunately, I have no time to explore in greater detail here. However, above discussed reasons (the discussed reasons above) should in a large sense justify my conclusion that schools should lay much emphasis on the teaching the interconnectedness of all human being, which, though perhaps not completely, would, to a greater extent, reduce the wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.
同意楼上的话
另外，例子可以叙述简省点

jxkingUID: 141801

Thank you for evaluation, however, would mind criticize my essay in more detail, instead of much more genenally speaking. It is appreciated of you to do so.

angel_naliUID: 148055

78. “Schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness of all human being and thus help eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.”

There is a general discussion(growing public concern可能更流畅） nowadays about（over) the issue of (on 不然后面的of太多拉)effect of essential interconnectedness of all human being. Some people argue that it is necessary for schools to teach the interconnectedness of human being in order to eliminate wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts. While others believe that such conflicts exist objectively and can not easily be removed by such effort. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the former due to（due to在英文中有贬义的意思，最好轻易不要使用） the following reasons.

In the first place, all forms of conflicts such as wars and culture clashes are the consequence of misunderstanding of each other. The culture of oriental and western （occidental可能会与oriental更加对应）countries bears too much difference than similarity. It is difficult for a Chinese who has never learned about the western culture to suddenly get on well with a westerner, and the Chinese may regard the westerner’s behavior as mystery and even feel it unacceptable. For example, one professor in my college who retired last year had just returned from California where he visited his son, a eminent young executive in a big company at Los Angeles. To our great surprise, he exhibited no happiness on his face for this journey. After a careful inquiry, we learned that his American daughter-in-law requested him to move out of her house and to live in the hotel, in that(just for有强调的意味，可能更合适）she would like to hold a party at home on Friday evening. Under this circumstance, it is because our kind professor who has just received the Chinese tradition concept of family in all his life, which regards it is natural for parents and their children to live together and considers it absurd and huge indignity to ask a parent move out of his son’s house. （这个长句有些生涩）On the contrary, if our professor realized the western habit that people call violently for independence and freedom, he would perhaps not get so angry.

In the second place, almost all the forms of conflict are, to a certain degree, able to be harmonized if it is properly and rightly handled with. As for the definition of hero in some field, different countries would greatly have distinguishing conception. One gifted Chinese CEO of Legend Corporation name（named) Liu Quanzhi has once said (and I paraphrase here), “We Chinese people are willing to pay attention to individualism, while the Japanese are inclined to lay much more emphasis on teamwork.. therefore, it is a big mistake for a Chinese boss to reward privately his Japanese employee who exerts predominant contribution on a project, and this unwise behavior may lead to the other employee volunteer to resign together, because they would suppose it must be their fault and impotence that results in no reward which other takes. And further worse, the man who attain reward would resign once he knows that he is the only one who gets reward and his colleague has left already, for he might believe it must be his undue behavior that leads to his colleagues' retreat.” Because of profound understanding this, Mr Liu always hands out bonus publicly and averagely, and his employee work more hard together in a team which would no doubt benefit the interest of the company. (或许还有更能说明问题的事例，而且论证方法有很多种，前一段已经采用了fact,这段最好给出一些分析性的论证，增强文章的逻辑性。反之，会有事例堆积的感觉。）

There are still other aspects relevant to the issue under discussion which, unfortunately, I have no time to explore in great detail here. However, above discussed reasons should in a large sense justify my conclusion that schools should lay much emphasis on the teaching the interconnectedness of all human being, which, though perhaps not completely, would, to a great extent, reduce the wars, culture clashes, and other forms of conflicts.
（因为我本人也是新手，没有真正尝试过issue的写作，贸然评论，勿怪！ 本文整体给人感觉结构严谨，文章的开头和结尾段落都较为得当的套用了模板，但模板性太强了，最好能够通过不断练习积累自己的模式。这也是我在今后的写作练习中需要注意的。
另外，我本人不太赞同本文的论证角度。或许把重点放在hether school should lay more emphasis is better..
以上只是我不成熟的观点，提出来，共勉吧。：） )

I appreciate your nice work but please pay some attention to the output format. And please do not post the same thing twice. Again thank you very much. Post edited and message left by imong.