【独立写作】夏洛克作业贴 [复制链接]

zouan2
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发表于 2013-8-4 14:49:51 |显示全部楼层

我在我自己的电脑上看了你的8.3作文，看了好久实在是没有找出什么错误真是写的不错了，可是我现在到我亲戚家有点事，明天才能回去，他这个电脑打不开docx的文件。。。。我只能凭印象跟您说一下了。
（1）作文的语句感觉有点小问题你用的一些短语我感觉不是常见短语，不知道这样是好还是不好。
（2）我感觉可以把作文写的再稍微简介一点，读起来稍微有点啰嗦。
如果您需要我仔细改您的作文的话，我过两天回去就给你改了发过去，不好意思啊~

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发表于 2013-8-5 17:31:02 |显示全部楼层

dongfangbaobei 发表于 2013-8-4 14:38
我可能要请两天假，麻烦你重新发给我好吗，等我回来给你补上
真不好意思，加油！

恩？怎么发呢？

8.5-sherlock revised by wilsonw.docx

wilsonw
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发表于 2013-8-6 12:40:03 |显示全部楼层

已改，好像没什么大问题，我比较喜欢讨论逻辑的问题~~感觉就是三个分论点和主题衔接不是很严密很充分

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发表于 2013-8-6 13:44:25 |显示全部楼层

谢谢点评，那么说一下我的小小看法。

我的思路society rule太抽象了，所以我就想具体化一下，尽量找一些比较容易达到的rule，体现不strict。然后每段中是不达成的坏处+达成的好处+怎样去达成。当然理想是美好的，现实写的就惨不忍睹了，也没有很好的反映strict。

确实联系少一些，其实一开始想体现一下由浅入深，rule越来越高级，后来就有什么写什么了==。还需要继续练习。

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发表于 2013-8-6 13:44:39 |显示全部楼层

wilsonw 发表于 2013-8-6 12:40
已改，好像没什么大问题，我比较喜欢讨论逻辑的问题~~感觉就是三个分论点和主题衔接不是很严密很充分

8.5-sherlock revised by copy.docx

copyzero2
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发表于 2013-8-6 14:12:54 |显示全部楼层

很好的叙述&层次，加油~

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发表于 2013-8-6 14:34:00 |显示全部楼层

copyzero2 发表于 2013-8-6 14:12
很好的叙述&层次，加油~

对对对，我也是想半天该如何反应不strict，本来是想用easy to achieve去反映不strict, 你觉得这样合适么

dongfangbaobei
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发表于 2013-8-6 16:22:59 |显示全部楼层

夏洛克发表于 2013-8-5 17:31
恩？怎么发呢？

可不可以复制消息给我
或者你有更好的办法
或直接发邮件angela_yxy212@hotmail.com

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发表于 2013-8-6 16:45:13 |显示全部楼层

dongfangbaobei 发表于 2013-8-6 16:22
可不可以复制消息给我
或者你有更好的办法
或直接发邮件

TPO 10:
The lecture obviously disputes the points stated in the reading material. According to the passage, the pollution is the main cause of otters' decline. However, this statement is not regarded in the eye of the lecture.

First of all, the professor claims that though there are known sources of pollution along the Alaskan coast, no one can really find any died species. Due to this situation, it is most likely to be explained by the predator hypothesis. If the otters are killed by the predators, it is hard to find something left. So the lecture totally disagrees with the view made in the passage.

Second, the passage presents that other sea mammals are declining as well as the otters. This fact again points to the environmental pollution. But the professor mentions that because of human's hunting for the large mammals, the otters have to turn to the small mammals. So the decline of small mammal results from the change of otters' diet, not the pollution.

Finally, the professor asserts that the uneven pattern of otter decline reflects the predator hypothesis more, whereas the author of the reading thinks the uneven concentrations of pollutants by the ocean currents are the reason. The professor proves his claim by pointing out that just the location where the otters' predator can access them occur the great decline of the otters. The otters in the shallow place where their predator can't get in don't decline a lot.