【互评】 Issue1

thuxyzUID: 3432791

如题啦，菜鸟第一篇文~~大家互相指教~~
Issue1 20272140.docx (15.57 KB, 下载次数: 8)

2013-8-3 22:56:44 上传

下载次数: 8

SunkworldUID: 3413082

这么长写了多久。。。

charlieyesUID: 3460289

首先佩服作者的一点是，作者在1小时13分内可以写出近700个字的文章。但是请思考在考场上的可行性。

但是很遗憾，个人感觉作者所写方向略有偏颇。

本人快速审阅了一下作者的文章，详读开头、结尾、正文首末句。并给出点评如下：

题目（Issue 1）：
As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.


开头：Today’s world is a quick-changing world where technology has been advancing rapidly, which serves as a more and more important motivation of economic growth. （与主旨无关）
On one hand, technology provides us various ways to solve problems, on the other hand, it also make us addicted to it and lost ability to think for ourselves, but the latter one is not always the fact. （提出半正半负观点）
The speaker’s assertion only makes sense when it comes to topics concerning natural environments and resources.（该观点的有效条件，但并未展开论述）

首句1：In most circumstances, technology enlarged people’s ability to find more ways to suit their needs. （说科技的好处）
末句1：This is the merits we have by technology, and obviously we are more capable of choosing a palatable meal for ourselves.

首句2：This rule also applies when you’re not a consumer but a producer. （说科技的好处）
末句2：In today’s world, even a guy who has not learned professional knowledge in school can raise himself to a noticeable financial leader.

首句3：Furthermore, technology can be the mother of itself. （科技有助于人类思考）
末句3：（举例，略）

首句4：By exploiting technology, human’s world is full of possibilities; however, as we walks to the future more and more fast, we usually ignored our origin.（科技阻碍人类思考）
此处举例不妥，该例与人类思考没有半点关系。
末句4：Sometimes, the belief of technology locked up our minds and killed our loves for the mankind, thus we’re just trapping ourselves, and it won’t work anymore.

结尾：To sum up, our close relation to technology helps us equip our arms of thinking at most times, though it might as well makes us crazy enough to destroy the surroundings. （与主旨无关）
The ability of humans to think for themselves is only deteriorated when they still rely on technology in these certain problems.（作者观点）

请注意题目是说，人类对科技的依赖是否阻碍人类思考，重点是人类思考，而不是对科技的依赖，作者大部分篇幅是在讲述人类对科技的依赖（题设），而只用了小部分篇幅讲述对人类思考的影响（结论）。

并且，在开头语结尾的第一句都是两个与主旨无关的句子。
而且，在本人看来，占据主要篇幅的正文1、2段与主题无关。

范文请参考ETS官方。

ETS官方范文个人浅析如下：
开头：The statement linking technology negatively with free thinking plays on recent human experience over the past century. 明确反驳题设观点。
（如果找不到范文可以百度搜上一句话，就找到了）此后，提出自己观点并进行例证论述。

核心段1：让步。假设题设成立，进行推理，并在最后指出该题设的不足之处。
核心段2：题设存在的问题进行例证。（提出了一个相反观点）
核心段3：提出了第二个相反观点，进行例证并强化该观点。
核心段4：提出了第三个相反观点，并进行例证。

结尾：总结作者的观点，并用两句来进行渐进强化。

P.S. 个人猜想，如果作者将本文直接提交可能仅得3分，若删掉开头结尾首句以及正文1、2段再提交则可能得4分，虽然仅剩不到400字。

thuxyzUID: 3432791

charlieyes 发表于 2013-8-4 21:28
首先佩服作者的一点是，作者在1小时13分内可以写出近700个字的文章。但是请思考在考场上的可行性。

但是 ...

首先要谢谢你耐心和中肯的回复:loveliness:~~作文确实是我一直以来最弱的一块了~