issue30 我的第一篇issue，望各位大侠多多指教！

zhuyaoUID: 120304

我的第一篇issue，请各位大侠多多指教！

虽然写得很烂还有些跑题，但还是希望得到大家的指点
谢拉！
30. "The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time." 技术进步的首要目标应该是提高人们的效率以便于每个人都享有更多的闲暇时光。
Since the industrial revolution,the technology develop instantly and fantastically which change the whole world a lot.In the sufface,peolpe can do more things during a day than ever so that workers will have more leisure time.Acturely,although technological advancement increase people's effiency,people will feel tired more quickly because of the rising intensive work and moreover,they are requested to work continualy so more leisure time is just a dream for them.
     In the first place,technological advancement does increase people'effiency,people can do a great many things during a working day .But do people want to do more work during a day? I don't think so and most workers also want to work comfortable not always be busily engaged in working.
The essence goal of technological advancement just enhance the development of our social and induce the time of congregating private fortune.
     In the second place,increasing efficiency means jobs reducing so thousands of people will be fired and have nothing to do.The increasing unemployment rate tell us although our economy have been amazingly developing since industrial revolution,unemployment problem always along with us and it seems to be worse during resent years.Why?Being a manager,what he or she cares is just how to increase profit.They only think about how to use less worker to do more job.Now the increaing efficiency provides the oppotunity to them ,then they take the oppotunity and fire redundant workers.Unemployment means you will have all day as your leisure time,but when you know you are not able to raise you and your family money will urge you to find something to do for which you will pay dearly working harder and harder.Then the working time are going to engulf your leisure time.
    Last but not least,to catch the pace of the times works must learn update knowlege in order to increase their efficiency.For example,the time from compuer being born till now is a very short time during which the computer's volume have changed amazingly from houselike computer to table computer.If we don't learn day after day, we will be desert by the developing society. As one famouse education said:"knowlege is expanding increasingly.The knowlege revolution is coming."Working in day time and studying at night,more and more people feel obliged to do this for their job and their family to whom leisure time is too luxury.
    In a ward,technology advancement does increasing people's efficiency,but people don't have more leisure time to spent for traveling and resting.They work hard and learn enough knowlege for money.And soeity will develop increasingly by their hard working.So you can see the primary and ultimate goal of technological advancement is only for our soceity.

midamidaUID: 137147

先说一下,注意一下发文格式https://bbs.gter.net/announcement.php?s=&forumid=23
估计这篇他们是不会给你改了
我的意见是这样的
1 In the first place这里的论证太单薄了,没有什么直接的证据,只是i don't think 了一下,为了证明    worker的观点其实可以用罢工的例子
2In the second place这里的论证挺好的,我就没想到用Unemployment来论证观点,不过,我觉得最好把主题放在第一句话,这样逻辑上更清晰,也就没有跑题的感觉了
3里面有个词volume,指的更多是容量,用做体积不太合适吧,还有,这个例子和你的观点并没有关系,
总之,思路是在第一段承认前半分句,在二三段分两部分否定后半分句和前半分句的关系,逻辑还好,再加强一下论证吧

zhuyaoUID: 120304

谢谢提醒，顺便问一下，为什么他们不会帮我改呢？如果是因为放错地方了
请斑竹看见的话帮我移到文摘区把，谢了！
偶实在不知道怎么移（除非删掉重发）
再次感谢midamida的指点
但感觉你的思路怎么好像是新东方老师讲augument的思路啊？
issue也有套路的马？小弟学艺不精，请指教

imongUID: 140258

“不会帮你改”有两个原因：第一，发帖格式，you essay will be check only if we know that you have read and understood our announcement；第二，昨天一天都在折腾改版，midamida的argument尚且没看，更不用提后面发的文章。

也不是非得要我们6个人动手啊，坛子里牛人多的是，就看能不能请动了。想要请到牛人，就先和牛人叫板去喽。这里的人可都是欢迎自己被挑刺的。

sydUID: 151948

Since the industrial revolution,the technology develop[has developed] instantly and fantastically which change[changed] the whole world a lot.In the sufface,peolpe can do more things during a day than ever so that workers will have more leisure time.Acturely,although technological advancement increase[increased.or increases,pay attention to this kind of flaw] people's effiency[efficiency],people will feel tired more quickly because of the rising intensive work[the rising intensity of their work] and moreover,they are requested to work continualy so more leisure time is just a dream for them.
[So you are against the topic?Present your idea directly and precisely]

In the first place,technological advancement does increase people'effiency,people can do a great many things during a working day .[what about change the sentence to aviod repeating the first para?]But do people want to do more work during a day? I don't think so and most workers also want to work comfortable[comfortablely] not always be busily engaged in working.[but if the total working task is fixed,workers do want to work efficiently to finish it earlier and then enjoy their own time.]
The essence goal of technological advancement just enhance the development of our social and induce the time of congregating private fortune.[lack of eg.] :(
In the second place,increasing efficiency means jobs reducing so thousands of people will be fired and have nothing to do.[you are arguing about the prime goal of tech advancement ,not it influnce on economy,and if your idea in this para is true ,shall we improve our tech in the future?]The increasing unemployment rate tell us although our economy have been amazingly developing since industrial revolution,unemployment problem always along with us and it seems to be worse during resent years.Why?Being a manager,what he or she cares is just how to increase profit.They only think about how to use less worker to do more job.Now the increaing efficiency provides the oppotunity to them ,then they take the oppotunity and fire redundant workers.Unemployment means you will have all day as your leisure time,but when you know you are not able to raise you and your family money will urge you to find something to do for which you will pay dearly working harder and harder.Then the working time are going to engulf your leisure time.[sounds too extreme]
Last but not least,to catch the pace of the times works must learn update knowlege in order to increase their efficiency.[what is your side? for or against?this is a serious problem for you !!] For example,the time from compuer being born till now is a very short time during which the computer's volume have changed amazingly from houselike computer to table computer.If we don't learn day after day, we will be desert by the developing society. As one famouse education said:"knowlege is expanding increasingly.The knowlege revolution is coming."Working in day time and studying at night,more and more people feel obliged to do this for their job and their family to whom leisure time is too luxury.
In a ward[this kind of spelling mistake is untolerable],technology advancement does increasing people's efficiency,but people don't have more leisure time to spent for traveling and resting.They work hard and learn enough knowlege for money.And soeity will develop increasingly by their hard working.So you can see the primary and ultimate goal of technological advancement is only for our soceity.

In general , I think you should read more ETS sample issues,as you have not assimilate the things that the teachers or some guide books told you. you have 3 problems:
1 know your side first.are you against or for the topic??
2 more more more examples to strenthen your issue.
3 grammar and spelling flaws beyond the tolerable limit
if you have any different idea or you think i was wrong on some parts,plz let me know. :cool:

52jeepUID: 135994

语言上我就不多说了，大家刚开始写的时候都会有很多问题，我也很滥的。。。：）
不过我觉的issue 开始的时候一定要注意结构和逻辑上的东西。
比如举例来支持自己每段的topic sentence；有意的多用上下文连接词；每段最后呼应一句
topic sentence等等。。。
另外我感觉这片你写的有点跑，题目讨论的是技术进步的首要目标是什么，你写的好像是
技术进步带来的后果。也可能是我看的不细吧。。。：）

毕竟ets用作文替代的是原来的逻辑考试，所以一开始写作就养成良好的逻辑思维习惯
是很重要的。
希望我的建议对你有用。

genie05UID: 30358

先去精华区翻翻帖子吧。
磨刀不误砍柴功哦。
;)

zhuyaoUID: 120304

非常感谢syd和52jeep的耐心而精彩的修改。
52jeep说得很对，我写的的确是技术进步不会带给人们更多的空闲时间。
我也询问了一些人，有的反对，有的赞同。http://bbs.taisha.org/viewthread.php?tid=235277&fpage=1（你可以看看，参考一下）
  对于syd这句批改有点异议you are arguing about the prime goal of tech advancement ,not it influnce on economy,and if your idea in this para is true ,shall we improve our tech in the future?]
我觉得如果写技术对人的影响，我们完全可以写这方面。而且我要加上论据的话会更好些（比如说工业革命之前和之后人们工作强度的比较）
的确我还有很多要加强的地方
再一次谢谢syd的批改和little pig，51jeep的建议。

sydUID: 151948

I think your view is right about the influence on economy ,however,you should try to link that to your topic on the influence on people,more examples are needed,as I have said above,I will take the AW test on 30 March,let's evolve together.