issue201 哎，这几天光顾着玩了，肯定写的不好:(

ericjeff71UID: 137891

"The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job

This era has witnessed the astonishing and swift development of modern industry and sophisticated technology, thereby increasing the pace of modern life and leading the whole world to be more competitive than ever. Finding a decent job, as a result, tend to be more difficult for the reason that standards of all kinds of companies have been enhanced greatly. Thus, there are much squabbling nowadays over whether we should stress cultivating the capacity of students to land and be qualified to a job or we have to infuse them with a set of systems of morality and view of the world. But whether adjusting the intent of the education to develop skills totally for the future career will benefit students in the long run? Lacking the sense of value or morality, even though students can receive the targeted occupation, the potential impairment will be given rise to sooner or later.

Although educating students a set of job-specific knowledge by ignoring the importance of inculcating the basic value and ideas the will help them in the future on their way of pursuing the careers, such as how to get along with the people around you or to set up a correct and beneficial objective, may bring them about a favorable position right after their gradation because they have possessed the merits that their peers might lack with the regard to the occupation, will they keep their jobs longer or get promoted easier than others. As we all know, there are some factors other than job competence playing a crucial role in determinating performing your work well such as cooperation, job satisfaction that should be learned from courses of value system of the school.

By being provided with right values of the whole society and themselves, students can show a great enthusiasm in the subject they are learning, while equipmenting them with job specific knowledge that is probably tedious and hard to comprehend may induce a state of the aversion toward the study they are focusing on. Even though they master those basic requirements for future jobs by reciting those theories mechanically, we may cast on doubt on the capability of them to put the expertise they learned into practice. for instance, Chinese students' capacity of taking exams the aim of which is to test the student's conversance in theories merely in books are pretty higher that of many other country's students, but so far nobody in china has wined Nobel prize for once the emblem of which the is whether a person's creation is practicable, while in the United States, although their academic level towards specific jobs or fields is not as high as that of Chinese students, teenagers there are more the innovative and creative owing to its different viewpoints of education from china that stress arousing their interests by means of teaching them proper values rather than preparing them for future position hastily.

Further, numerous companies that tend to enlarge their staff members are now not only prone to consider the degree or job-specific skill a graduate owns, but  also willing to test his ability to get along with his colleagues, his basic virtues or the extend to which it is proficient at daily etiquette since in order to perpetuate the company itself, many aspects have to be involved, and the inner quality of staff members is one of consideration that is as important as or even more critical than performing their work well. Without a positive attitude or value towards his life and work, a person will probably set up a goal that may post a big threat to himself or, even worse, the whole company he is serving for. Cases can be cited as stealing public properties that does not belong to him, selling the significant data of the company to its rivals.


To sum up, merely preparing adolescents for specific position is logically infeasible without broadening its vision and disregarding the importance of establishing value systems to instruct students the capacity to develop their own righteous views of the world, the whole education system will end up bringing undesirable and destructive outcomes to both the development our society and descendants whom the future of the world is rest on.

fortitudesagUID: 139374

这是个互助的论坛,你要是没有看过置顶的帖子,建议先看一看,奖励措施.
我给你往上放一下,让别人看见,你也要自己努力,多给别人改一改.

ericjeff71UID: 137891

但偶现在实在太烂，等过一段时间偶练出感觉了再为大家改，行不？帮帮偶吧：（　

fortitudesagUID: 139374

你的认识不对哦! 改文章可是提高的捷径哦!
目前的情况是：只要你挑出一个错误,哪怕还是错的,都算改了。这可是个好机会啊！
然后就会有人帮你哦!
我给别人改文章可也是挑着改的!
优先顺序：新手第一篇,本周排行前三名,修改他人文章多于被修改的。
除此之外，我从不光顾。

so猫UID: 148633

"The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job

This era has witnessed the astonishing and swift development of modern industry and sophisticated（有这样修饰technology的吗？请赐教~~） technology, thereby increasing the pace of modern life and leading the whole world to be more competitive than ever. Finding a decent job, as a result, tend to be more difficult for the reason that standards of all kinds of companies have been enhanced greatly. Thus, there are much squabbling nowadays over whether we should stress cultivating the capacity of students to land and be qualified to a job or we have to infuse them with a set of systems of morality and view of the world. But whether adjusting the intent of the education to develop skills totally for the future career will benefit students in the long run? Lacking the sense of value or morality, even though students can receive the targeted occupation, the potential impairment will be given rise to sooner or later.
这样的开头方式我个人不是特别喜欢
楼主写了100多个字才第一次提到education这个全文的重点问题
这个引子在我看来也太长了 未免有拖沓的痕迹~~
而且这一段与其说是全文的主题段不如说更象一个body里面的第一段~~~
开头我个人比较喜欢简洁明了型~~~
呵呵 一家之辞 楼主看呢？

Although educating students a set of job-specific knowledge by ignoring the importance of inculcating the basic value and ideas the（这the是怎么回事？！） will help them in the future on their way of pursuing the careers, such as how to get along with the people around you or to set up a correct and beneficial objective, may bring them about a favorable position right after their gradation because they have possessed the merits that their peers might lack with the regard to the occupation, will they keep their jobs longer or get promoted easier than others.（这句超过100个字的话在我看来结构已经乱了 although的分句到哪里？ 主句又在哪里 实在看不太明白 楼主解释一下吧~~） As we all know, there are some factors other than job competence playing a crucial role in determinating（determining） performing your work well （要不这里改成从句whether one could perform his work well 要不直接用名词the performance of 现在分词念起来很别扭）such as cooperation, job satisfaction that should be learned from courses of value system of the school.

By being provided with right values of the whole society and themselves, students can show a great enthusiasm in the subject they are learning, while equipmenting（equipment是名词！！！） them with job specific knowledge（job specific knowledge这是一个词吗？如果是一个词恕我才疏学浅看不明白 两个词好象不带这么用的吧） that is probably tedious and hard to comprehend may induce a state of the aversion toward the study they are focusing on. Even though they master those basic requirements for future jobs by reciting those theories mechanically, we may cast on doubt on the capability of them to put the expertise they learned into practice. For instance, Chinese students' capacity of taking exams the aim of which is to test the student's conversance in theories merely in books are pretty higher that of many other country's students, but so far nobody in china has wined Nobel prize for once（nobody~~once~~这句话有点chinglish的说） the emblem of which the is whether a person's creation is practicable, while in the United States, although their academic level towards specific jobs or fields is not as high as that of Chinese students, teenagers there are more the innovative and creative owing to its different viewpoints of education from china that stress arousing their interests by means of teaching them proper values rather than preparing them for future position hastily.

Further, numerous companies that tend to enlarge their staff members are now not only prone to consider the degree or job-specific skill a graduate owns, but also willing to test his ability to get along with his colleagues, his basic virtues or the extend to which it is proficient at daily etiquette since in order to perpetuate the company itself, many aspects have to be involved, and the inner quality of staff members is one of consideration that is as important as or even more critical than performing their work well. Without a positive attitude or value towards his life and work, a person will probably set up a goal that may post a big threat to himself or, even worse, the whole company he is serving for. Cases can be cited as stealing public properties that does not belong to him, selling the significant data of the company to its rivals.
缺少段落最后相当于小总结的句子 显得有点散


To sum up, merely preparing adolescents for specific position is logically infeasible without broadening its vision and disregarding the importance of establishing value systems to instruct students the capacity to develop their own righteous views of the world, the whole education system will end up bringing undesirable and destructive outcomes to both the development our society and descendants whom the future of the world is rest on.

开头的问题我已经说过了 就是有点罗嗦
至于中间的3段
其实我觉得这三段的层次不是特别清楚 感觉三段都是在说同样的一个东西
楼主写之前有提纲吗？因为除了第3段我都找不到TS 所以觉得结构有点乱显得

楼主的优点也很明显
你的词语用的都还比较高级 长句子也比较多
但是要注意个别词语的用法 词性
长句子首先要保证你的意思可以明白的表达出来 否则杂糅的太过厉害反倒让人产生疑惑情绪
楼主加油~~~~~