arguement123,求批改！！

zgyyxyliupengUID: 3462049

The following appeared in a health newsletter.

"A ten-year nationwide study of the effectiveness of wearing a helmet while bicycling indicates that ten years ago, approximately 35 percent of all bicyclists reported wearing helmets, whereas today that number is nearly 80 percent. Another study, however, suggests that during the same ten-year period, the number of bicycle-related accidents has increased 200 percent. These results demonstrate that bicyclists feel safer because they are wearing helmets, and they take more risks as a result. Thus, to reduce the number of serious injuries from bicycle accidents, the government should concentrate more on educating people about bicycle safety and less on encouraging or requiring bicyclists to wear helmets."


Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the anwers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


In this newsletter, the author contends that the government should pay more attention on educating people about bicycle safety and less on requiring bicyclists to wear helmets in order to reduce the number of bicycle accidents. To support this conclusion, the author cites that (1) nearly 80 percent of all bicyclists wear helmets than 35 percent did ten years ago from a ten-year nationwide survey, (2) a number of 200 percent increasement of bicycle-related accidents during the same ten-year period, and (3) because of wearing helmets, bicyclists feel safer and thus taking more risks as a result. However, I am not convined for several reasons.


To begin with, the information concerning the number of increased 200 percent of accidents is not accurate enough to evaluate. Because if the total amounts of bicyclists now are twice as many as bicyclists are ten years ago, the raise of 200 percent might means the rates has decreased rather than has increased. Consequently, in order to make this assumption clear, we should ask how about the acciden rates and total number of bicyclists. Without these data, the assumption that the number of increased 200 percent explain the rates of accidents has increased is open to doubt.


Secondly, even assuming that bycicle accidents has considerably raised during ten years, the author’s assumption that these accidents occured in relation to wear helmets is still not convincing. First, there is no evidence that the injured people were all wearing helmets, perhaps in those accidents, most of injured people did not wear helmets, if this case exists, bicyclists should do wear helmets in the future rather than they do not wear. Furthemore, perhaps other reasons result in accidents. The unqualified bicycle or helmets have increased, or the quality of roads for bycicles have become worse and so forth. Hence, to better evaluate the assumption, the author should be asked how many bicyclists involved in accidents are wearing helmets? If the propotion is less than half or so, the author’s suggestion might be cogent.


Thirdly, the author's recommendation that the government could reduce the number of accidents through educating people about bicycle safety and less on encouraging bicyclists to wear helmets might be not work well. As I discussed above, no evidence suggests the reason of accidents is due to wear helmets. On the contrary, if most of accidents is caused by other vehicles, only through educating people about bicycle safety is not enough. For better reduce the accidents, the author should consider the reasons of bicycle accidents comprehensively and thoroughly in order to avoid more bycycle accidents.


In sum, before the author could provide the complete information about the rates of accidents, and rule out the other reasons which could result in the bicycle accidents I mentioned above, the argument is not cogent.  

SoohooBaiUID: 3443645

我觉得你的文章结构还是很严谨的，字数上也够，大面的功夫都过得去，这样的文章肯定4起步。不过你的第一段有点冗长，复述了太多原文内容，显得很拖拉，这个最好避免，除非你自己的语言特别好。第二有一个致命伤，你首段给出了123顺序，可是在论证的第一段却是你给的（2）里的内容，这个有点逻辑上的紊乱，建议你首段给的顺序是什么就怎么攻击，要不首段这个顺序给的有点掉价。
The unqualified bicycle or helmets have increased, or the quality of roads for bycicles have become worse and so forth. Hence, to better evaluate the assumption, the author should be asked how many bicyclists involved in accidents are wearing helmets? If the propotion is less than half or so, the author’s suggestion might be cogent.这句话的问题多了点，很多可能降0.5，记住你的最长的段子永远是个焦点，写完多多检查。
谢谢！

zgyyxyliupengUID: 3462049

SoohooBai 发表于 2013-8-27 21:20
我觉得你的文章结构还是很严谨的，字数上也够，大面的功夫都过得去，这样的文章肯定4起步。不过你的第一段有 ...

非常感谢啊~另外，您提出的那句话主要有什么问题啊？