issue121 这是我的GRE作文处女作，希望各位大哥指点

coniUID: 137677

Is there no responsibility for human society to make extraordinary efforts to save endangered animals just because many species' extinction in the past is an outcome resulted from natural processes? The speaker claims so, while in my point of view, although in some extent the extinction of certain species is an inevitable phenomenon of natural processes, we human beings, as the dominant species in the earth, have the undeniable duty to save endangered animals even at a great cost on money and jobs.
   
      The speaker argues for his/her notion on the ground that the extinction of animals is none of our business. I concede that this argument is plausible at the first glance.As is known to all, dinosaurs, the strongest animals lived in the earth hundreds of thousands of years ago, disappeared from earth forever because of their failures to adapt to the change of weather pattern. From this scientific fact, we can say that the extinction of dinosaurs and some other commensurate animals is a direct result of their failure to " natural selection".

       Nevertheless, now the condition is different. It is worthwhile for us to notice that although our earth has not experienced such dramatic weather change for a long time, the rating of extinction of species becomes much higher than before. It has been estimated that the total number of animals that has become extinct in the last ten thousand years during which human being exists far outnumbers that of the last ten billion years. The most substantial and direct factor leads to this phenomenon is human beings’ improper exploitation and serious destruction of natural environment. The following example is just cases in point. Since we regarded whales as a kind of delicious food and their skin has become popular material for fashion clothes, the number of whales has continually decreased due to our excessive preying. Although several years ago, an organization whose aim is to protect whales set up a movement to help people realize that if no concrete steps are taken, whales would disappeared from our earth in the near future and urged the government of every country to ban the preying of whales. But the result is far from satisfactory; some countries like Japan and Norway disregard this suggestion and still permit the poaching of whales. Therefore, the extinction of some species is just the consequent of the explosion of our lust. Can we still claim that we are innocent? Of course not, we must be responsible for what we have already done, and what we can do now is to try our best to save the endangered species even at a large cost.

        Additionally, taking the benefit we acquire form the existence of animals and the fact that animals are our most loyal friends into account, trying our best to protect them is the best way to pay for them. We live in a biosphere where every species interplays with the other. Every species including human is like a joint of a chain of life, each other’s existence is totally depend on the existence of the other, if one joint is broken, the entire chain will be destroyed. The instance of some insect-eating animals such frog, spiders and woodpecker whose population has been reduce dramatically as a result of the use of TNT just capture the essence of what I am trying to say. These animals destroy so many insects that are the greatest enemies to human race. If not for the protection we get from those insect-eating animals, it would be impossible for us to live in the world visualizing that those insects would devour all of our crops and kill our flocks and herds. Scientists estimated that the total weight of all the pests that are destroyed by those insect-eating animals in Britain in one year would be greater than the weight of all people in the country. Consequently, protecting the animals especially some endangered animals is not only charitable action, but also a way to earn much opportunity for our own living.
         
          In sum, although some extinction of species is a result of natural process, if all factors are contemplated including the corporeal and spiritual benefit we acquire from animals and the destruction we do to the environment and animals, the necessity of saving endangered animals has become more and more urgent. In the last analysis, the diversity of creature is the symbol of earth and whether we try to protest endangered species is just the test that imposes on human beings to test us whether we are the failure of “natural selection” or not.

dawnspeakerUID: 152586

你去看一下精华区关于发贴格式的文章吧

imongUID: 140258

121"At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."

下次注意标题格式，还有内文把题目给写上。如果希望得到别人的帮助，至少应该想到这些基本的细节。今天工作量不太多，我一口气都给改过来，要是改天工作量大了，格式不规范有可能没人答理的。

Is there no responsibility for human society to make extraordinary efforts to save endangered animals just because many species' extinction in the past is an outcome resulted from natural processes? The speaker claims so, while in my point of view, although in some extent the extinction of certain species is an inevitable phenomenon of natural processes, we human beings, as the dominant species in the earth, have the undeniable duty to save endangered animals even at a great cost on money and jobs.

第一段：is there no responsibility是非常怪异的写法，应该是属于不规范的。
        outcome resulted from 赘余
in some extent 还是 to some extent ?
an inevitable phenomenon 这里的单复数恐怕要推敲
at a great cost on（of？）

第一段就出来了这些错误。被我改过文章的人都知道我的习惯：这样水平的文章我是不会帮着花两个小时以上去提出各种润色用词建议的。（朝这个目标努力吧，嘿嘿:D）

所以下面的部分我只给你看行文逻辑和论点。

第三段，叙述了半天的事实，但是开头的地方并没有明确提出这一段论述的中心：反驳原题，认为extinction和human behavior有关（而且是出于时间因素的对比，和para2呼应），如果单独这样也就罢了，最可恶的是这个：Can we still claim that we are innocent? Of course not, we must be responsible for what we have already done, and what we can do now is to try our best to save the endangered species even at a large cost.原题的后半句就被你这样一把给抹了过去，请问你这里对后半句的response的理由在哪里？？

另外，第三段的用词和组句大小错误轮流出现，我不一一指明了。例如：It has been estimated that the total number of animals that has become extinct in the last ten thousand years during which human being exists far outnumbers that of the last ten billion years. 看完了琢磨半天明白过来是缺成分（or用错了从句）

第四段的论点我觉的和主题关系不大。看到benefit以为你要说权衡之后如何如何，结果不是。actually我看不出来第四段的中心到底在哪里。from 和 form写反了也不是什么新鲜的错误了。至于说大量使用TNT导致青蛙蛙口下降，麻烦先查一下TNT的全称。

总体来说，因为是第一篇，各种错误暴露的一览无余，这是好事。如果这些错误都被干掉了，那则会是相当可观的水平了。

提高的方法：看范文，看前人习作，多思考，多参与这里的讨论。大胆给别人的文章提意见看法，无论语言上的思路上的都可以，有什么想法就不妨直说，讨论越充分自己收获越大，而且这样别人才会愿意反过来帮你看，互助的。

怎样使用这个平台的话，看看置顶的“超级入口”那个帖子，里面介绍的很详细了。