求拍，issue---5，小弟恳求拍砖，以便小弟进步

986630036UID：3433799

Topic：Claim: government must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive.
Reason: it is primarily in cities that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

Concerning this issue that governments have to ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need to thrive because the reason that a nation’s cultural traditions are mainly preserved and maintained in cities, I partially agree with this statement.
Although the thriving of a city, indeed, may exert a great influence on the perseverance and maintenance of a nation’s cultural tradition, the development of a city (可以用it) may pose a threat on the (maintaining and preserving) cultural traditions maintenance and perseverance. With the modern (去掉the modern) city developing, it is inevitable that city may become more hospitable to the ideas that are not innate. For example, in present, more and more young people express scornful opinion for their traditional Chinese custom (改为tradition): The Dragon Boat Festival; instead they begin to favor the Christmas Day. However, in the past when the cities were not developed, Chinese put much emphasis on the Dragon Boat Festival. Now, they start to belittle this festival that were admired and loved by their ancestors. Putting too much money and emphasis on the developing the major cities, the dwellers in this city are quite likely to receive some good ideas with some bad ideas coming. For those who are immature the bad ideas may corrupt their mind and put them into a state of uncertainty. Accordingly, those young people begin to belittle the once-admired festival. It is safe to say that developing cities, sometimes, actually may cause loss of their own cultural tradition due to the development of the city (去掉 due to the development of the city).
Nevertheless, the development of a city, to some degree, definitely makes a profound contribution to maintaining and preserving the cultural traditions. Because cultural tradition exists in city and depends on city, there is no city in this world that has well maintained and preserved its cultural tradition without supporting the development of the city. Take Xi’an city, an old Chinese cultural city, as an example. As a major city in Shaan’xi province, Xi’an city annually received a large amount of money from Shaan’xi province and the central government in order to develop. Thus, the financial benefits brought by the development can be used in maintaining cultural traditions: building more libraries and schools, donating more books and so on. Moreover, the atmosphere of modernism will attract hundreds of thousands tourists to come to Xi’an city every year, it is likely that they can bring Xi’an cultural tradition to the outer world. (增加As a result ), more people will know and learn these traditions. In this way, developing a city is a very effective way to maintain and preserve the cultural tradition.
In conclusion, developing a city can bring us a lot: good ideas, development and bad ideas. In maintaining and preserving the cultural tradition, we should make a balance on the degree (增加and way) of development.

writing101UID：3473575

刚才在另一个帖子回复过了，不知看到没有。希望对你有所帮助。

这篇文章有很大改进空间。
首先作者对题目缺少分析。第二段主体部分一开始Although the thriving of a city, indeed, may exert a great influence on the perseverance and maintenance of a nation’s cultural tradition,事实上这种说法是存疑的：为什么说一个国家的文化传统主要产生并维持在城市中？我们很容易就能想到如今世界大都市在全球化globalization影响下越来越相像，反倒是小城镇更容易保持原来的文化风貌。
作者紧接着倒是给出了反面看法，那就不需要一开始的although,显得太想当然。it is inevitable that city may become more hospitable to the ideas that are not innate.这句应该是重要的展开分析，可惜写得太过简单且语意不明。端午节的例子也流于表面，没有深入：为什么年轻人厌恶传统节日而崇尚西洋节日？这跟城市发展有什么关系吗？
Putting too much money and emphasis on the developing the major cities, the dwellers in this city are quite likely to receive some good ideas with some bad ideas coming.这应该也是作者给出的重要理由，但是前后关系很模糊，为什么当大城市得到了太多财政支持和重视，城市居民就很可能得到良莠不齐的想法？而这与文化传统有什么联系？
It is safe to say that developing cities, sometimes, actually may cause loss of their own cultural tradition due to the development of the city 因为之前的分析不到位，这句subconclusion就显得很无力。
然后从正面来讲Because cultural tradition exists in city and depends on city, there is no city in this world that has well maintained and preserved its cultural tradition without supporting the development of the city. 其实也缺少分析，没有解释为何文化传统存在于城市依赖于城市。说no city in this world...也有失偏颇，而且语法上成了city supporting the development of the city. 举西安的例子只能说是个案，并不具备普遍意义。the atmosphere of modernism有些突兀和矛盾：不是前文说了modernism 导致年轻人不热爱传统节日吗？

综上，我认为作者在修改语法语句之前，应先仔细理清思路，多花点时间在琢磨题目上。记住AW考验的主要是分析能力，analytical skills matter the most.

986630036UID：3433799

writing101 发表于 2013-9-21 18:20
刚才在另一个帖子回复过了，不知看到没有。希望对你有所帮助。

这篇文章有很大改进空间。

恩，看到了，在两个帖子都这么认真的给回复了，对我帮助很大！谢谢啦