929就考拉，今天限时写了一篇感觉不妙，大家走过路过进来指点下我吧，啊啊啊啊！

samanthalycUID: 2968067

以前练习作文呢都没限时，边查边写，突然觉得这样的确用处不带，也不记得到，就决定是时候该限时了，大家有空帮我看看吧。
A or DA children should play sports only for fun rather than for competition or contests.
Many people claim that children play sports only for fun, because they are too little to learn about adults’ world-i.e., competition and contest, however,I can not agree with this statement and I perceive that students should be encouraged to cultivated the awareness of competition.

Admittedly, children are immersed in playing sports, because sports can bring them with a lot of fun and relaxation. They do not have to spend a long time staying in the classrooms to have classes or finish homeworks, instead, at the age of physical growth, it would be better for kids to do some outdoor exercise to clam the nerves and restore the soul, which is beneficial for their physical condition.
However, playing sports only for entertainment is absolutely not enough. It is also a good chance to form a consciousness of competing with their peers, which is necessary and beneficial for them to stand out among people of same age. Because, in order to compete and excel others, kids must work harder and practice more to achieve goals, in which spirits of fighting and struggling for purpose can be formed. When I was in the third grade of primary school, for example, I participated in basketball club, even though I was too short and did not have any gift for playing basketball. Every practice class I did not have confidence and I was afraid of sneers from others. But thanks to encouragement form my instructor, I practiced very hard after class alone and I can felt my progress gradually, which made me full of sense of achievement.
In addition, only in the process of competition can they realize the importance of collaboration, which seem to be the paradox to contest. In fact, Children should grow to know that it is difficult or even impossible to achieve the goals and win the game without the help of their teammate’s help. In other words, team spirit is what they have to learn during competition. As the case I just mentioned, in order to win the basketball contests, our team members should learn to help and coordinate each other instead of just pushing yourself forward or showing off.
To sum up, children should play sports more than just for fun- competition awareness is of importance as well.
只求狠拍，虚心接受意见。

samanthalycUID: 2968067

真的那么差啊，都没人愿意知道下·哎

糖甜甜UID: 3362181

寄托T版有作文互改小组，随时都可以参加，去看看吧
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1607631-1-2.html

luketc3580UID: 3369182

cannot,不要用can not
competition， contest 都有比赛竞赛的意思，在adults world 这里用并不合适
让步里并没有强调 only for fun，没有达到让步的目的
第一个支持观点的例子根本和competition，contest 没有关系...逻辑上并没有支持到你的观点，要突出比赛中对胜负的竞争，这题是这个意思
例子都太weak，不够强，多举些名人事例
这篇作文的分可能不会很高，LZ还需要大量练习，无论是观点，例子还是语言

建议加入写作互改小组，这种版面里改非常不方便，而且斑竹们也没有精力大量以这种方式改作文

EnolateUID: 3283311

Many people claim that children play sports only for fun, because they are too little to learn about adults’ world-i.e.,[我觉得你最好别用这个缩写,写about competition and contest就可以] competition and contest, [这里要断句的]however,I can not agree with this statement and I perceive that students should be encouraged to cultivated the awareness of competition.

Admittedly, children are immersed [immerse有点怪，被动语态。。]in playing sports, because sports can bring them with a lot of fun and relaxation. They do not have to spend a long time staying in the classrooms to have classes or finish homeworks, [断句]instead, at the age of physical growth, it would be better for kids to do some outdoor exercise to clam the nerves and restore the soul, which is beneficial for their physical condition. 这段有点鸡肋，不必花这么多笔墨说这个事情。另外你每一段都是顶格写的话段落之间要用空行的。
However, playing sports only for entertainment is absolutely not enough. It is also a good chance to form a consciousness of competing with their peers, which is necessary and beneficial for them to stand out among people of same age[from peers]. Because, in order to compete and excel others, kids must work harder and practice more to achieve goals, in which spirits of fighting and struggling for purpose can be formed.p[这句话和前一句的逻辑关系不够明显]When I was in the third grade of primary school, for example, I participated in basketball club, even though I was too short and did not have any gift for playing basketball. Every practice class I did not have confidence and I was afraid of sneers from others. But thanks to encouragement form my instructor, I practiced very hard after class alone and I can felt my progress gradually, which made me full of sense of achievement. [然后捏。。例子是要支持你的论据的，把例子摆出来之后要分析它是如何支持你的观点的，不然就白写了。]
In addition, only in the process of competition can they realize the importance of collaboration, which seem to be the paradox to contest. In fact, Children should grow to know that it is difficult or even impossible to achieve the goals and win the game without the help of their teammate’s help[delete]. In other words, team spirit is what they have to learn during competition. As the case I just mentioned, in order to win the basketball contests, our team members should learn to help and coordinate each other instead of just pushing yourself forward or showing off. 这段的观点和题目要求论证的内容[for competition or contests]有点脱节。你的观点最好是围绕它要你比较的两个观点的优劣来写
To sum up, children should play sports more than just for fun- [这个破折号漏了半截- -]competition awareness is of importance as well.


个人意见仅供参考
另外中秋节快乐啦！

ZTreeUID: 3165682

文风太做作，非必要的长句太多。
简明的表达非常重要。

ZTreeUID: 3165682

比如：
They do not have to spend a long time staying in the classrooms to have classes or finish homeworks, instead, at the age of physical growth, it would be better for kids to do some outdoor exercise to clam the nerves and restore the soul, which is beneficial for their physical condition.

--->Sports is capable of re-energizing/revitalizing kids from arduous classes.

Because, in order to compete and excel others, kids must work harder and practice more to achieve goals, in which spirits of fighting and struggling for purpose can be formed.

---> Pursuit of winning encourages/promotes the virtue of hard working/assiduity.

samanthalycUID: 2968067

非常的感谢大家拍砖，受教了很多！最后几天了，我只能说尽我所能了！