Issue2 第一篇Issue, 大家提提建议。

forwwwUID: 154260

2. Competition is ultimately more beneficial than detrimental to society.


Nowadays, we face competition every day and every moment. Competition companies us from kindergarten to school, from school to working place. Everyone tries to compete with others for praise, higher scores, more money and higher status. What people mean, by “competition” is the struggle for success for life. Competition makes people work harder and accordingly promotes the development of the society. But undue competition and wrong philosophy of competition may also cause bad influence on society.

The society is made up of individuals. Strong rivals are the best motivation of our studying and working. When I was in high school, I was in a science class focusing on Olympics Competitions where the competition between students was rather intense. Every one worked so hard that one would feel very shamed of laziness. After three years’ hard working, as a result, our class much outperformed other classes and we all were winners. So competition can create a good sphere of studying, as well as working. Better individuals constitute better society. When everyone in the society is active and well engaged in his/her work, the society becomes livelier and it develops more rapidly.

Besides, competition makes a fair society for the people. In regard to dealing in business, for example, two companies are bidding for a construction project. The one who plans a lower budget, has better technology and services, has faster construction speed may get the bid. The fairness can also be manifested in the field of politics. When two parties compete for power, both sides promote many ad campaigns and give speeches and have debates in the television. The citizens can see the advantages and disadvantages of the policy given by the two parties. Since each side wants to overwhelm the other side, each party absolutely does better with the pressure of the other than without it. They both have the chance to win and it depends totally on their performance and capability. So competition helps to keep a fairer society.

Admittedly, over competition may also harm individuals as well as the society. Just as Bertrand Russell once said “Competition concerned as the main thing in life is too grim, too tenacious and too much a matter of taut muscles and intent will, to make a possible basis of life for more than one or two generations at most.” Everyone wants to outshine his/her rivals and succeeds in life. But if once people sacrifice many other things which are the most important ingredients in life to gain success in competition, then the competition may never leads to happiness. Broken marriages may also increase because some people are too absorbed in the struggle. Chillness may be nourished in the society. So if people keep dispassionate and confident when facing cruel competitions, it can prevent people from losing themselves and prevent society from coldness and meaninglessness.

In conclusion, competition is a good catalyzer which stimulates people to study and work well and accelerates the improvement of the society. With a right understanding and control of competition, people can perform better and enjoy better life. The society, accordingly, can be more active and fair.


1小时多点的样子
520 words

forwwwUID: 154260

啊，似乎是accompanies ，not company 的样子。似乎随便什么时候修改总还是有错误的样子。

gdhdannyUID: 125843

Nowadays, we face competition every day and every moment. Competition companies（你已经改过了） us from kindergarten to school, from school to working place（这两个from…to…中间还有间断？为什么不直接from kindergarten to working place? ）. Everyone tries to compete with others for praise(感觉如果后面列举都是比较挤，这个可以考虑也改一下), higher scores, more money and higher status. What people（知名到底是谁，是作者？是词典？表明出处一边表达立场） mean, by “competition” is the struggle for success for life （the success of life）. Competition makes people work harder and accordingly promotes the development of the society. But undue competition and wrong philosophy of competition may also cause bad influence on society.
第一段最后出现了一个wrong philosophy,像这种新概念最好在文中尽早解释，什么才是正确的？毕竟首段多数情况下就是为了提出立场。

（最好首句先明确本段的TS）The society is made up of individuals. Strong rivals are the best motivation of our studying and working. When I was in high school(while in high school), I was in a science class focusing on Olympics(Olympic) Competitions where the competition between students was rather intense. Every one(Everyone) worked so hard that one would feel very shamed（ashamed） of laziness. After three years’ hard working, as a result, our class much outperformed other classes and we all were(were all) winners. So competition can create a good sphere of studying, as well as working. Better individuals constitute better society. When everyone in the society is active and well engaged in his/her work, the society becomes livelier and it develops more rapidly.

Besides, competition makes a fair society for the people. In(With) regard to dealing in business, for example, two companies are bidding for a construction project. The one who plans a lower budget, has better technology and services, has faster construction speed may get the bid. The fairness can also be manifested in the field of politics. When two parties compete for power（running for the government）, both sides promote many ad(尽量不用缩写) campaigns and give speeches and have debates in the television. The citizens can see the advantages and disadvantages of the policy given by the two parties. Since each side wants to overwhelm the other side（one）, each party absolutely(为什么？这是假设吧) does better with the pressure of the other than without it. They both have the chance to win and it（如果是代词，前面要有所指代的对象；如果是形式主语，后面要有成分补充说明） depends totally on their performance and capability. So competition helps to keep a fairer society.

Admittedly, over competition may also harm individuals as well as the society. Just as Bertrand Russell once said “Competition concerned as the main thing in life is too grim, too tenacious and too much a matter of taut muscles and intent will, to make a possible basis of life for more than one or two generations at most.” Everyone wants to outshine his/her rivals and succeeds in life. But if once（不太理解这个once） people sacrifice many other things which are the most important ingredients in life to gain success in competition, then the competition may never leads to happiness. Broken marriages may also increase because some people are too absorbed in the struggle. Chillness may be nourished in the society. So if people keep dispassionate and confident when facing cruel competitions, it can prevent people from losing themselves and prevent society from coldness and meaninglessness.
有一点希望能够注意，在issue中的每句话一定要言之有理，这里的有理一方面指逻辑正确，一方面指有理可依。这一句一方面可以来自具体事例，另一方面也可以使理论分析加推断，当然后者要求的语言能力比较强。
在本段中体现得比较集中的一点问题是，很多结论都是简单句，而且没有任何分析支持，这样会让人感觉很空洞。我觉得有两种解决办法，一是把这些简单句组合成并列句，然后集中举一个例子论证TS:竞争的缺点；二是选一两个有代表性的结论作为TS得分论点，从这两方面去举例子。我个人更倾向于第二种方法，觉得这样可以增强文章的逻辑性。

In conclusion, competition is a good catalyzer which stimulates people to study and work well and accelerates the improvement of the society. With a right understanding and control of competition, people can perform better and enjoy better life. The society, accordingly, can be more active and fair.

首先肯定一点，文章的论证思路还是很清晰的。
当然，在语言上的问题还要下很多功夫，比如同义替换、连词的使用、句式多样性，很多句子读起来语法上完全没有问题，可重复用的词太多，再有多练练写复合句，不一定要多复杂，但句式复杂了文章读起来会更有节奏感。
论证的问题倒数第二段末已经有了解释。
一句话，欢迎来到这里，和大家一起交流，你可以先多看看精华里的文章和范文，慢慢提高。

forwwwUID: 154260

不知庐山正面目，只缘身在只山中啊。:D
谢谢，我会努力总结的！

bennywu320UID: 157820

You can read the "The Wealth of Nation" wrote by Adam Smith. This book say more about the competition of individual and divison of labor in the modern economics.

You can also read the "The Origin of Species" by Darwin, which also tell us more about the natural Selection and Competition among different species in ecosystem of the earth.