Issue22 决定我们所想所为的是亲友还是社会

galaxysongUID: 152834

22"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."
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16:04
The speaker asserts that other than a few intimate individuals around us, the whole society has most determinant influence on our mind and behavior. I tend to agree, for by human nature we are social animals and thus marked by the mores and ethos of the society at large.

Those who disagree with the speaker may easily make a long list of counterexamples. A well-bred boy may bear in heart his parents' strong disdain to the apparently base and mean lower-class people, and find in his later life that he gets so much difficulty in making friends with some outstanding figures who come from these people. A girl may discover how surprisingly long she clings to being dressed in a certain color, which her friends all praise as the most beautiful fit to her. However, these facts, seemingly illustrative at first glance, are superficial and not able to stand against close scrutiny.

Although I concede that the farther an individual is from us, either physically or psychologically, the less this individual influences us in most cases, with exceptions of preeminent figures. But this doesn't automatically leads to the conclusion that only a few people around us decide our attitudes and behaviors while how the others in the society affect us can be ignored. If taking the number of them into consideration, we will realize how much we unconsciously collect and accumulate the indirect influence of the unknown people beyond our intimate ones.

Everyone lives as one node in a great net named society. If one moves, the whole net moves little. But if the majority move in the same direction, the net as a whole moves distinctly. In this way, the society indeed determines our minds and behaviors. Consider the examples mentioned above again. The unfriendly attitude towards lower-level people the boy inherits from his parents is actually one characteristic of the class which his family belong to. And the girl can hopefully find other girls in the society resembling her also choose the same color as a long-lasting fashion, which might be the reason for her friends' consensus on the color.

The impression that our thoughts and acts appear to be determined mainly by those whom we meet, talk with and pay attention to most frequently, in fact, is a fiction at best. The thoughts and behaviors of our family, friends, teacher, and so forth, are mirrors of the mores and ethos of the whole society, and, in the same way, so are ours. This argument may look like an iteration and I can't tell where the chain effect starts from, but the society does work in this manner.

Moreover, if we meet someone coming from a different society, he or she usually recognizes us as a member of our society first. Just recall what occurs to us immediately we see an foreigner, and we will understand the mark of a society, which identifies us as a brand.

Yet, people in the same society are diverse and can be grouped into different subcultures. We thereby can find more in common with people near us than with the majority of the big society. In the sub-society level, the determinant force still lies in the whole group whose members share ethos and criteria, other than in the small core around us.

In sum, the majority of the society influence us through our close persons and the whole net of society moves us with the majority. Everyone is a mirror of the culture of the society, or more exactly, as in the final analysis, of the sub-society we are in.

18:14

Still in 2 hours. God....

poohUID: 146994

22"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."

The speaker asserts that other than a few intimate individuals around us( 不要偷换概念，作者没有说一定是intimate,人家还包括celebrities…), the whole society has most determinant influence on our mind and behavior. I tend to agree(tend to是不是有点多余), for by human nature（如果你想说从本性来说，应该用by nature） we are social animals and thus marked by the mores and ethos of the society at large.
开头简洁有力

Those who disagree with the speaker may easily make a long list of counterexamples. A well-bred boy may bear in heart(应该是bear in mind) his parents' strong disdain to the apparently base and mean lower-class(base, mean , low-class 也太罗嗦了) people, and（不如改成so that he强调因果关系,跟我一个毛病，喜欢用and连接两个句子） find in his later life（in one’s later life 一般指人的晚年，不太合适，建议改为 later in his life） that he gets so much difficulty in making friends with some outstanding figures who come from these people(come from these people用得不好, 有点chinglish的味道，建议去掉定语从句，改为from humble families). A girl may discover how surprisingly long she clings to being dressed(为什么用被动？难道是别人给她穿的？)  in a certain color, which her friends all praise as the most beautiful fit(fit 作名词?m-w的能够找到的最合理的解释为： the fact, condition, or manner of fitting or being fitted: 恐怕也无法validate your sentence) to her.(ft,整个句子太chinglish)  However, these facts, seemingly illustrative at first glance, are superficial and not able to stand against close scrutiny.

Although I concede that the farther an individual is from us, either physically or psychologically, the less this individual influences us in most cases, with exceptions of preeminent figures. But this doesn't automatically leads to the conclusion that only a few people around us decide our attitudes and behaviors while how the others in the society affect us can be ignored. If taking the(显然用a) number of them into consideration, we will realize how much we unconsciously collect and accumulate(collect & accumulate重复 , 而且你能说 collect influence ,accumulate influence吗？)  the indirect influence of the unknown people beyond our intimate ones. 这段有些问题，因为题目显然是包括了名人的影响的，你对题目的把握不全。

Everyone lives as one node in a great net named society. If one moves, the whole net moves little. But if the majority move in the same direction, the net as a whole moves distinctly. In this way, the society indeed determines our minds and behaviors. Consider the examples mentioned above again. The unfriendly attitude towards lower-level people the boy inherits from his parents is actually one characteristic of the class which his family belong to. And the girl can hopefully find other girls in the society resembling her also choose the same color as a long-lasting fashion, which might be the reason for her friends' consensus on the color. 我认为后一个例子太单薄, 事情太小, 不是很有代表性. 不如列举宗教等的例子。而且你对这个例子的表述继承了前面的特点，说不清楚，你似乎不知道怎么表达，其实我也不太清楚怎么表达好，所以这样的例子最好不用。

The impression that our thoughts and acts appear to be determined mainly by those whom （去掉whom比较通顺）we meet, talk with and pay attention to most frequently, in fact, is a fiction at best. The thoughts and behaviors of our family, friends, teacher, and so forth, are mirrors of the mores and ethos of the whole society, and, in the same way, so are ours.(插入成分容易使句子不通顺，而且你又重复了，既然已经so are ours，又说in the same way)  This argument (你指什么，是你前一句的论点？如果是的话就有问题，因为argument 并不 iteration,而是这种人们相互联系和影响的过程 , 我不太清楚iteration怎么用) may look like an iteration and I can't tell where the chain effect starts from, but the society does work in this manner.

Moreover, if we meet someone coming from a different society, he or she usually recognizes us as a member of our society first. Just recall what occurs to us immediately we see an foreigner, and we will understand the mark of a society, which identifies us as a brand. （像这种关键性的句子不要放在从句里，显得像附属成分，而且很罗索,建议改为：we will understand how the culture of a society identifies us）

Yet, people in the same society are diverse and can be grouped into different subcultures. We thereby can find more in common with people near us than with the majority of the big society.( 前两句似乎逻辑关系不严密，没有因果关系，难道我们周围的人都是一个group?) In the sub-society level, the determinant force still lies in the whole group whose members share ethos and criteria, other than in the small core around us. (最后半句什么意思，不懂，vague)  句子开头最好少用yet, and,之类，更何况是在段首就更不合适了，另外上两段都是单独的意思但是都展开的不充分，建议有所取舍，或者将上面一段归到第5段）



In sum, the majority of the society influence us through our close persons and the whole net of society moves us with the majority. Everyone is a mirror of the culture of the society, or more exactly, as in the final analysis, of the sub-society we are in.

整篇文章联系不紧密，每一段都太独立了，最好多点过渡性的语句，语言很多地方都vague,表达不清楚，以前没仔细看多你的文章，本来上次看你被人批得够惨想帮你平反的…but…。
好了，最后说明以上是我个人的看法和建议，其实每个人都有不同的理解，不要怪我太苛刻，我给你看了一个小时呢，说实话我也写不好的。

雪夭UID: 142334

先指出，human nature是对地（应该没记错。）
前面改的已经很仔细了，一样的感觉，表达的很中文化，而且结构独立，或者是你真的把题目看明白

我的提纲，你看看，最好也给点意见
用中文了
1、承认社会定义人：道德，价值，法律-总的frame
2反：家庭小团体也影响：兴趣，个性，能力，交流（特别你可以用些名人阿基米德）
3合，社会是人性的总定义，家庭小团体树立个性，特色， both

galaxysongUID: 152834

Thank pooh very much!

The word "intimate" was really a big mistake.

"I tend to agree" wasn't my creation. I had learned it from model essays.

Frankly speaking, when I finished my first paragraph, I hadn't yet know exactly what to say next.

I knew "bear in mind", but stil wrote "bear in heart". I can't imagine what persuaded me of such dicision.

"A well-bred boy..., and [+thereby] find in his later life..."

"Being dressed" was right. For example:
He is dressed very well.他穿得很漂亮。
Dress yourself quickly.你快点穿衣服。

As to "fit", again, here's an example:
This coat's a beautiful fit to you.这件外衣对你非常合身。
Of course, Kingsoft XDict is not always reliable.

"If taking the [+great] number of them into consideration,..." Now you can see what I really meant.

The fictional girl example was a terrible failure, which consumed too much of my time and hampered my reasoning.

I wrote "argument... iteration" as to say 循环论证, but it turns out to be a wrong expression.

The last two bodies were totally blunders as a result of my pursuit for 600 words. They shoulb be deleted at all.

poohUID: 146994

"Being dressed" was right. For example:

[

As to "fit", again, here's an example:
This coat's a beautiful fit to you.这件外衣对你非常合身。

Maybe you are right, but I still find the sentence kinda strange.

"If taking the [+great] number of them into consideration,..." Now you can see what I really meant.

Yep, I get it.

I wrote "argument... iteration" as to say 循环论证, but it turns out to be a wrong expression

I can tell that you are a creative person and most of the times your expressions and examples are suitable . But I advise you that just use  the words and expressions that you are sure ,  or your ought-to-be good essay will be ruined due to misuse.

DoDoqiangUID: 154933

我觉得好难举例子耶
有没有什么好例子说明一个人不是只由一小撮人决定的。
相反的例子却很容易找到：
世上有篮球排球羽毛球，可我最爱足球，因为我从小老爸就带我看足球；
我从不带隐形眼睛，因为女朋友说我戴框架看上去斯文些；
××人选择××作为职业，只是因为××名人曾经××过。
或许我们应该把behavior and thoght分下类，亦或是有些行为本身就分不清是由社会整体影响的，还是只是由一小撮人决定的

wglxhUID: 152604

galaxysong的文章总是大家关注的焦点,说实话,你用两个小时写的文章改起来恐怕最少也要一个小时,呵呵.
那篇中文提纲思路很好.可是我怀疑表达出来的可能性.

uocasiiUID: 143445

i think you are a good writer, however, considering the time and the examples made in your writing, i have to conclude that you can choose some better examples.
anyway this essay is rather good, a little long but it's ok if you can complete it during the test.

galaxysongUID: 152834

Thanks for everyone above!

你用两个小时写的文章改起来恐怕最少也要一个小时

Do you mean what I wote is too obscure and recondite?

My next issue is coming soon.

雪夭UID: 142334

我按那个中文提纲写的
感觉还好，可能是写的时候把抽象的具体话了吧
个人小团体的话大家也写的多了，教育那部分的例子都能用，还有什么思想啊，个性的，其实在很多类别的题目中都出先过，社会就更不用说了，什么主题都喜欢蹭上一脚，补补凑凑也就齐了

wglxhUID: 152604

仔细改一篇作文其实和自己写一篇没有什么大差别,所以很费工夫.GALAXY不要误会.看看我按照你的建议写的模版作文吧.呵呵.