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Whether the way people look, dress, and act is a mirror image of their attitudes and interests? The statement claims that the out looking of people is such a sensitive reflection of their attitudes that one can tell about a society’s ideas and values by simply analyzing this reflection. On balance, I basically agree with the notion which emphasizes the importance of people’s appearance in judging the social beliefs, however we should not magnify this significance and neglect those characteristic values of a society that are so deep and hidden that cannot be accurately embodied by the exterior looking of people.(提出论点,有保留的赞同,虽然行文上看上去有点累赘,但我找不出什么毛病)
The preference in dressing effectively mirrors people’s aesthetic values and inclinations which are determined by the personality. Chinese people would like to dress themselves formally under most circumstances in order to show their sobriety and moderation. Americans prefer anything that could express their personality and therefore they always wear colorful clothing. The French, who are prestigious for their romantic dispositions, define “beauty” as a form of romance. And their dressings are always impressive in their explicit way of expressing love. Judging from this aspect, we could tell about people’s personality by their inclination in dressing.(这一段是来自孙远的提纲吧,,个人感觉讲法国人那句论述的好,强调了审美观和穿着的关系, 讲中美的略有简略,感觉有那么一些些跳跃的成分,不过不算明显.,总的来说这段行文我觉得很流畅)
An alternation in values and social criteria of aesthetics of a nation is always directly indicated and presented (indicate和present是否重复了)by a corresponding change in people’s dressing. People are the most sensitive receptors to the reform in the values of a society. When China carried out its open policy in the 1980s, fresh ideas in dressing flock into this conservative land and changed the social criteria of beauty and fashion. What people wore are no longer those uniforms that were made with cloths in the color of either blue or black. Now when you take a walk in Beijing, there’s hardly any difference in people’s preference of clothing between the residents and their counterparts in those world famous fashion cities. As the component of society, people always act in accordance with social changes.(社会观念的变化导致了穿着的变化,相比上段,这段更强调一个动态的过程.尤其是强调corresponding,穿着的变化你讲了,但社会价值的变化在哪呢? fresh ideas in dressing flock into this conservative land and changed the social criteria of beauty and fashion.有点笼统了. 还有那个corresponding我觉得好像没体现出来啊.不妨举个再具体的例子,比如说牛仔裤,这是美国文化无拘无束的象征,随着中国国门开放,美国文化也影响了中国人,中国人也开始追求自由与个性(社会价值观变化了),相应的(correspondingly),作为这一文化象征的牛仔裤,所以在中国也流行起来了. 你觉得这样如何,是不是比原来稍微深入一点?
However, the function of people’s exterior appearance is normally limited to a shallow level, that is to say, when it comes to the fundamental elements of the value of a society, such as moral disciplines, which require a continuously observation and study, we need to rely on historical records and other statistical evidence which indicates the overall development of these elements. (在我的word里显示出是一句长句,但我觉得完全没必要,因为这句结构比较松散,可以拆成两句,中间加过渡词)For example, in many counties, divorce is considered as a betrayal to the marriage instead of a democratic and personal choice of living as other nations believe. As to such kind of social beliefs, the way people dress themselves cannot possibly indicate a hint. After all, people’s exterior appearance is only sensitive to their own personality and those social values that are directly relevant to their behaviors and identification.(这句不太同意呃,人们的外在穿着只对他们的个性以及那些直接和人们行为认知有关的社会价值敏感?难道离婚和人们的行为认知没有直接关系?不太赞同) However,(下文是对上文的转折?,个人以为是递进) the moral disciplines of a society are a lifelong process of accumulation which alters every minute in accordance with other aspects of the society. Consequently, a stable and continuous record is necessary to analyze and study the background and overall developing trend of the discipline, which may help to draw a complete conclusion of the object.(这段写着写着好像把”人的外在穿着”给扔了,虽然你旨在说明其他因素,但最后还是最好回到穿着上来,收一下.呼应主题.)
In sum, even though the effectiveness of people’s appearance in revealing a society’s basic ideas and values should not be denied, some interior values of the society cannot be simply reflected by the way people dress and acts, and therefore it required us to resort to more reliable information.
总的来说我觉得写的很好,行文没什么大错误, 总的结构也很清晰,羡慕ing
有个遗憾我觉得你的which, that的主,宾语从句太多了,使得整个文章句式看上去比较单一,建议可以采用分词结构代替有些较短的从句,或者多变换一下句式.
Simply put, 我还要向你学习啊. |
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