issue16 行为类，帮忙看看吧：）

鱼的宝贝UID: 150861

Issue16 “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual.

Since the industrial revolution, science and technology has not only facilitated human beings on every aspect of their daily lives, such as automobiles freeing people from walking, computers emancipating numerous burdensome calculating, but also provided them with abundant materials and entertainments. This trend brings some worries in which the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual. I agree with the acclaim for such reasons cited afterwards.

It is admitted that the pursuing of convenience and luxuries promotes the development of society and galvanizing scientists to invent more apparatus and methods serving for people. Machines invented and progressed saving manual powers from assembly line, in which technique hands would do the boring work instead of workers. The invention of internal-combustion engine, which is the most important component of a car, enabled humans driving a long distance but not waste any human power. So many such apparatus are introduced because of the seeking for convenience. Accordingly, numerous scientists become famous because they exert all their lives into the dream of humans, in which humans would be richer and freer.

But every coin has two sides that the luxuries and convenience would make people satisfy, even more over indulging in nowadays lives, that makes them lazier and weaker. Especially to young children, who often wonder the meaning of working when affluent materials are placed in front of them, must realize they would never be diligent and courageous without working. It is a pity that nowadays parents spoil their children by providing them with everything they want without considering the side effect. Many cases are reported nowadays that children are indulging into computer games, but forget his own sake as a student: study. Computer, of course, is a convenient facility, but when used improperly by the young, it would do harm, even more induce social problems.

If a man wants to be strong and independent, he must face every challenge in his life. Maybe it is lucky for people who existed in ancient times when there were not that much lures in front of him, and everything he must do by his hands, even when he wanted to eat a trout, he had to fish it in a lake. This may seems miserable and incredible to us, but the poor living conditions help a human to grow up fast, cultivate him the qualities of diligence, courage, endurance, and patience, all of which cannot be learned just from educational materials. We can understand more clearly the reason why so many celebrities are willing to sent their children to study abroad, but not leave them home to enjoy the happy time afforded by parents, in that children must have their own lives to sharpen their personalities and living abilities. Maybe worse living conditions would provide them more challenges and difficulties that must be overcame by them.   

All in all, luxuries and convenience really do some harm to people and society in nowadays life. When satisfying with what science and technology providing to us, we must ask ourselves several questions before we enjoy them: Where are these convenience come from? Can we afford more to offspring? Only by unceasingly pursuing for more luxuries and happiness can we keep passion facing the difficulties, which help us to be real independent and creative individuals in the future.

so猫UID: 148633

Issue 34. “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual.

Since the industrial revolution, science and technology has not only facilitated human beings on every aspect of their daily lives, such as automobiles freeing people from walking, computers emancipating numerous burdensome calculating 就这样跳到后面的but also了 好唐突哦 加一个, and etc.感觉顺点, but also provided them with abundant materials and entertainments. This trend brings some worries in which the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual. I agree with the acclaim for such reasons cited afterwards.

It is admitted that the pursuing of convenience and luxuries promotes the development of society and galvanizing scientists to invent more apparatus and methods serving for people. Machines invented and progressed saving manual powers from assembly line, in which technique hands would do the boring work instead of workers. The invention of internal-combustion engine, which is the most important component of a car, enabled humans driving a long distance but not waste any human power. So many such apparatus are这里我不是特别清楚 确定是are吗 introduced because of the seeking for convenience. Accordingly, numerous scientists become famous because they exert all their lives into the dream of humans, in which humans would be richer and freer.

But换一个吧 一段开头呢~ every coin has two sides忘了谁跟我说过了 说国外好象没人用这句话 找个时候求证一下 that the luxuries and convenience would make people satisfy, even more over indulging这个用法挺新鲜的 没见过这么用的 in nowadays lives, that makes them lazier and weaker. Especially to young children, who often wonder the meaning of working when affluent materials are placed in front of them, must realize they would never be diligent and courageous without working. It is a pity that nowadays parents spoil their children by providing them with everything they want without considering the side effect. Many cases are reported nowadays that children are indulging into computer games, but forget his own sake as a student: study. Computer, of course, is a convenient facility, but when used improperly by the young, it would do harm, even more induce social problems.

If a man wants to be strong and independent, he must face every challenge in his life. Maybe it is lucky for people who existed in ancient times when there were not that much lures in front of him, and everything he must do by his hands, even when he wanted to eat a trout, he had to fish it in a lake. This may seems miserable and incredible to us, but the poor living conditions help a human to grow up fast, cultivate him the qualities of diligence, courage, endurance, and patience, all of which cannot be learned just from educational materials. We can understand more clearly the reason why so many celebrities are willing to sent their children to study abroad, but not leave them home to enjoy the happy time afforded by parents, in that children must have their own lives to sharpen their personalities and living abilities. Maybe worse living conditions would provide them more challenges and difficulties that must be overcame by them.

All in all, luxuries and convenience really do some harm to people and society in nowadays life. When satisfying with what science and technology providing to us, we must ask ourselves several questions before we enjoy them: Where are these convenience come from? Can we afford more to offspring? Only by unceasingly pursuing for more luxuries and happiness can we keep passion facing the difficulties, which help us to be real independent and creative individuals in the future.
建议 有些从句可以用分词形式的就不要用从句吧 你的从句太多了 写得再好看多了也会晕的
逻辑上 怎么说呢 怪怪的
body1 对舒适的追求导致科技的发展
body2 舒适让人满足甚至丧志
body3 人必须要面对挑战甚至艰苦的环境才可以成长
前两个body呢 看起来象是讨论舒适的好坏
后两个body呢 又象是在讨论人到底应该怎么成长才更好
但3个加起来看是什么呢？ 是不是少了coherence？毕竟 你的论点里面最关键的是c&l 和individual 所以罗 后两段都算成功 第一个body就跑了~ 要是说body1说追求舒适是不是人对自己变的更强的一种心理追求 或者是舒适本身到底能让人在什么样的程度上变的strong and independent 酱紫就更好罗~~
楼主加油吧~~~~~~

鱼的宝贝UID: 150861

一语点醒梦中人啊，body1的建议真得很好，谢谢啦
以后写作文的时候心中默念：简化，简化 ，简化阿：）

猫咪meUID: 155478

小鱼，帮你看了你不要又不看啊，e.g.issue4：（

DriverEntryUID: 143979

同意 SO 猫的观点。另外对题目有点想法：其实LUXURY 和CONVINCE是不一样的，前者容易使人WEAK，但是后者可以帮助人们成长并变的STRONG啊。不知道分开讨论行不行。

鱼的宝贝UID: 150861

楼上的，我真得觉得没有这个必要，现有的东西既然能说得很明白了，跑过去把一句话分开，很难说清楚问题的， 弄不好还会跑题。人家题目的意思重点不是在那里吧，要不然你写出来让我看看能行不：）

linakUID: 155465

Issue 34. “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual.

Since the industrial revolution, science and technology has not only facilitated human beings on every aspect of their daily lives, such as automobiles freeing people from walking, computers emancipating numerous burdensome calculating(后面这个分句好像怪怪的，emancipate后也是根人吧。这样说是不是好些：people being freed from walking by automobiles and emancipated from numerous burdensome calculating by computers), but also provided them with abundant materials and entertainments. This trend brings some worries in which the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual. I agree with the acclaim for such reasons cited afterwards.

It is admitted that the pursuing of convenience and luxuries promotes the development of society and galvanizing(这个动词galvanize和前面的promote不是并列的么？时态怎么不一致呢） scientists to invent more apparatus and methods serving for people. Machines invented and progressed saving manual powers from assembly line, in which technique hands would do the boring work instead of workers. The invention of internal-combustion engine, which is the most important component of a car, enabled humans driving a long distance but not waste any human power（你说一点都不消耗人的能量，太很绝对了吧，说节省了人们很多的能量和时间应该要更好也突出你逻辑思维的严密吧）. So many such apparatus are introduced because of the seeking for convenience. Accordingly, numerous scientists become famous because they exert all their lives into（devote ...to？） the dream of humans, in which humans would be richer and freer.

But every coin has two sides that the luxuries and convenience would make people satisfy, even more over indulging in nowadays lives, that （which）makes them lazier and weaker. Especially to young children, who often wonder the meaning of working when affluent materials are placed in front of them, must(又是must,好像有点绝对了，用may呢） realize they would never be diligent and courageous without working. It is a pity that nowadays parents spoil their children by providing them with everything they want without considering the side effect. Many cases are reported nowadays that children are indulging into computer games, but forget his own sake as a student: study. Computer, of course, is a convenient facility, but when used improperly by the young, it would do harm, even more induce social problems.

If a man wants to be strong and independent, he must face every challenge in his life. Maybe it is lucky for people who existed in ancient times when there were not that（so) much lures in front of him, and everything he must do by his hands, even when he wanted to eat a trout, he had to fish it in a lake. This may seems miserable and incredible to us, but the poor living conditions help a human to grow up fast, cultivate him the qualities of diligence, courage, endurance, and patience, all of which cannot be learned just from educational materials. We can understand more clearly the reason why so many celebrities are willing to sent their children to study abroad, but not leave them home to enjoy the happy time afforded by parents, in that children must have their own lives to sharpen their personalities and living abilities. Maybe worse living conditions would provide them more challenges and difficulties that must be overcame by them.

All in all, luxuries and convenience really do some harm to people and society in nowadays life. When satisfying with what science and technology providing to us, we must ask ourselves several questions before we enjoy them: Where are these convenience come from? Can we afford more to offspring? Only by unceasingly pursuing for more luxuries and happiness can we keep passion facing the difficulties, which help us to be real independent and creative individuals in the future.

大概改了一下，提了一点建议，仅供参考。同意so猫的说法，里面又些句子可以直接用分词简化的，少一些从句更好
逻辑上，感觉第一段也不太好
要是按照你的观点，我的大概思路是：
第一段完了后直接来你的第三段，就说追求luxuries and  conveniences带来的坏处，接下来你的第四段，说要挑战才能成长。最后再来一个让步（有点类似于你的第二段），说不过还是给我们带来了一些好处，这样感觉就比较完美了。
不过这些完全是个人意见，大家相互讨论一下吧，写得很好，列子也很多很不错，向你学习

猫咪meUID: 155478

Issue 34. “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual.

Since the industrial revolution, science and technology （问一个很弱质的问题：他们在一起是用单述还是复数？）has not only facilitated human beings on every aspect of their daily lives, such as automobiles freeing people from walking, computers emancipating numerous burdensome calculating, but also provided them with abundant materials and entertainments. This trend brings some worries in which the luxuries and convenience of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individual. I agree with the acclaim for such reasons cited afterwards.

It is admitted that the pursuing of convenience and luxuries promotes the development of society and galvanizing scientists to invent more apparatus and methods serving for people. Machines invented and progressed saving manual powers from assembly line, in which technique hands would do the boring work instead of workers. The invention of internal-combustion engine, which is the most important component of a car, enabled humans driving a long distance but not（用without wasting any human power） waste any human power. So many such apparatus are introduced because of the seeking for convenience. Accordingly, numerous scientists become famous because they exert all their lives into the dream of humans, in which humans would be richer and freer.(我觉得你的论述不能支撑ts,ts说convenience and luxuries promotes the development of society，但是下面只是说人们在享受convenience也没有表示出galvanizing scientists to invent more apparatus and methods serving for people)

But every coin has two sides that the luxuries and convenience would make people satisfy, even more over indulging in nowadays lives, that makes them lazier and weaker. Especially to young children, who often wonder the meaning of working when affluent materials are placed in front of them,（这句话却主语） must realize they would never be diligent and courageous without working. It is a pity that nowadays parents spoil their children by providing them with everything they want without considering the side effect（不懂意思呢）. Many cases are reported nowadays that children are indulging into computer games, but forget his own sake as a student: study. Computer, of course, is a convenient facility, but when used improperly by the young, it would do harm, even more induce social problems.

If a man wants to be strong and independent, he must face every challenge in his life. Maybe it is lucky for people who existed in ancient times when there were not that much lures in front of him, and everything he must do by his hands, even when he wanted to eat a trout, he had to fish it in a lake. This may seems miserable and incredible to us, but the poor living conditions help a human to grow up fast, cultivate him the qualities of diligence, courage, endurance, and patience, all of which cannot be learned just from educational materials. We can understand more clearly the reason why so many celebrities are willing to sent their children to study abroad, but not leave them home to enjoy the happy time afforded by parents, in that children must have their own lives to sharpen their personalities and living abilities. Maybe worse living conditions would provide them more challenges and difficulties that must be overcame by them.（这段和主题有多大关系？）

All in all, luxuries and convenience really do some harm to people and society in nowadays life. When satisfying with what science and technology providing to us, we must ask ourselves several questions before we enjoy them: Where are these convenience come from? Can we afford more to offspring? Only by unceasingly pursuing for more luxuries and happiness can we keep passion （for）facing the difficulties, which help(s)  us to be real independent and creative individuals in the future.
可能倒数第二段有点偏题了，technology一点没有提到，如果把这段从本篇中抽出来，有影响吗？
这篇我也写过，写得很不怎漠样，小鱼，向你学了一招，实在没话说了，可以举现实生活中的现象，例子。
我老是想上升到理论的高度，想的我好苦啊，喜欢说大道理，大而空，又缺乏例子，唉！