前面两段大问题没有,不过语法/时态/句子长短有问题,这个慢慢改。
第三段太过于感觉trivial,与其列举这些,不如就选一个你学的最好/收获最大/最喜欢的课进行详细描述
第四段依然有negative的问题,我的建议是换一些委婉点的说法,比如说:
In parallel to purely academic research, I also developed an interest in entrepreneurship. I believe that business helps to convert the technology into real products, which are demanded by the nowadays society. In my second year, I, as the sponsor of a three-group team, came up with the innovative idea of establishing the Mobile Newspaper of our university (in a competition/internship/project?). Of course, as a new business, Mobile Newspaper encountered certain difficulties during the operation, but I learned from this experience that creative ideas and technology innovations were not enough for the success of a business (maybe something more, like something else you think that are also important)...
最后一段除了一些描述不大地道和比较weird之外,对选择某个学校的理由不够充分和具体,感觉像是在ass-licking,这种东西committee肯定见多了,不要这么写。
如果是我,我会先描述下我的研究兴趣,然后那个学校department的特点:interdisciplinary,international cooperation,connection to industry等等。然后举例,比如某某教授的project,某某lab的trans-departmental cooperation,这样才能让学校感觉到你至少做过具体的对于那个学校的research。
最后,我不知道是不是你申请的学校有字数限制,总是觉得你的PS太短了,可以适当长一点,尤其是对于 why xx university可以更加详细。