issue52 问题文章详细讨论

dashuiniuUID: 142361

Issue52“Education encourages students to question and criticize, and therefore does little to promote social harmony.”

思路：
1.        通过例子说明question and criticize的重要性。
2.        说明若没有其他的教育，比如开放的观念，对他人的包容，这种教育可能会产生不好的后果
3.        教育工作的全面性


For any form of education, the one of the first most important things is to encourage students and train their capability of questioning and criticizing; however, for the students without other cultivation of virtues, over emphasis on the ability tends to pose unexpected results such as insular misunderstanding ,and even individual conflict harming the societal harmony.

As we know, the progress or even the contribution of any field entails individual innovation and creativity.  The common example is the information technology, which is immensely enhancing our level of life, drastically changing the society even including our customs and our attitudes, and with which so many brand new products amazing us come out of factories every day. Another instance is the artist exemplifying the importance of innovation and creativity, with which all the famous masters of art differentiate one from another. And if we see from a perspective of the development of human being, there are even more examples demonstrating the significance of them. But where does the spirit or the soul of innovative rise most likely. Just through education encouraging, arousing the desire of the students to question and through the way alike.

In America, the education , based on John Dewey's theory that the school's job is to develop the natural process of the growing child, has worked for many years emphasizing the imparting of life skills such as independence, analytical thinking (broader than questioning and criticizing) and so on. And there is evidence proving the good effect of the education. However, following the educational success, especially of the thinking approach, are the latent byproducts, tending to arouse agitation and even harm.

Without the tolerance or open mind especially when young, a student, indoctrinated with the creed of criticizing and questioning and independence, often tends to ignore the thoughtful respect towards other students, amplifying the weakness of others with critical eyes and even thinking that they will be the center. Things will be even worse when they grow, if still lacking the concept of being tolerant and accepting the merit of others. It is easy to find that the misunderstanding and conflict of everyday life often arise from people's mutual fastidiousness, intolerance and insularity in the name of criticizing and questioning. If the whole social ambience based on the individual is like that, what will happen?  Chauvinism is the most simple but the incisive extremity of the negative questioning and criticizing.

Then, education's job, only giving encouragement to students and stimulating them to question and criticize, is far from the way to plasticize them as not only independent, critical and intelligent but the whole soul with such good virtues as liberalness, diversity tolerating, challenging based on respect towards others, and even the concept of collective, etc. Only put together, will all the virtues be more likely to promote social harmony, but not instead.

taftUID: 157217

我的一些思考： What does education refer to in this topic, former or informer?
What question should be encouraged? (social problems, political sandals, scientific and technological problems and personal problems) How to criticize?(attitude, influence from others, objective or subjective, criteria) What is social harmony? (Decline in crime, overall welfare, peaceful life, or other promotion) How to maintain social harmony? Does question and criticize unconditionally do little to promote social harmony? (Arouse hatred, lose confidence for the future)


For any form of education, the (去掉the) one of the first most important things is to encourage students and train their capability of questioning and criticizing( train and motive 感觉有点别扭); however, for the students without other cultivation of virtues, over emphasis on the ability tends to pose unexpected results such as insular misunderstanding ,and even individual conflict harming the societal harmony.

As we know, the progress or even the contribution of any field entails individual innovation and creativity. The common example is the information technology, which is immensely enhancing our level of life, drastically changing the society even including our customs and our attitudes, and with which so many brand new products amazing us come out of factories every day. Another instance is the artist exemplifying the importance of innovation and creativity, with which all the famous masters of art differentiate one from another. And if we see from a perspective of the development of human being, there are even more examples demonstrating the significance of them. But where does the spirit or the soul of innovative rise most likely. Just through education encouraging, arousing the desire of the students to question and through the way alike.( question & criticize are a form of individual innovation and creativity. But if it is true, what do question and criticize produce in the process of development, granted that some questions are the needle pointing to social problems such as sentences to death, abolishing, or same sex marriage, therefore you ought to show strong evidence concerning the relationship between question and criticism to demonstrate the importance of question and criticism)

In America, the education , based on John Dewey's theory that the school's job is to develop the natural process of the growing child, has worked for many years emphasizing the imparting of life skills such as independence, analytical thinking (broader than questioning and criticizing) and so on. And there is evidence proving the good effect of the education. However, following the educational success, especially of the thinking approach, are the latent byproducts, tending to arouse agitation and even harm. (What on earth are you going to prove?  Success or failure? No force on the topic core, question and criticism)

Without the tolerance or open mind especially when young, a student, indoctrinated with the creed of criticizing and questioning and independence, often tends to ignore the thoughtful respect towards other students, amplifying the weakness of others with critical eyes and even thinking that they will be the center. Things will be even worse when they grow, if still lacking the concept of being tolerant and accepting the merit of others. It is easy to find that the misunderstanding and conflict of everyday life often arise from people's mutual fastidiousness, intolerance and insularity in the name of criticizing and questioning. If the whole social ambience based on the individual is like that, what will happen? Chauvinism is the most simple but the incisive extremity of the negative questioning and criticizing.
(Good reason to support you conclusion—tolerance or open mind. But you should go future to analysis its merits in terms of social harmony not only the students themselves)

Then, education's job( educators’ jobs hehe), only giving encouragement to students and stimulating them to question and criticize, is far from the way to plasticize them as not only independent, critical and intelligent but the whole soul with such good virtues as liberalness, diversity tolerating, challenging based on respect towards others, and even the concept of collective, etc. Only put together, will all the virtues be more likely to promote social harmony, but not instead.
(you certainly switch readers eye from the relation between question criticism and social harmony to much wider area—I feel that I am on the rocket facing black universal and questioning where is my dear Earth. What I am going to say is that you exclude all the readers outside the door of this topic. Be careful next time to examine the topic which is a flaw for me too)

New worlds I learn from your essay:
Indoctrinate, insularity, Chauvinism, incisive,

dashuiniuUID: 142361

网友们提的意见我会好好吸收！
在写这篇文之前还没来得及改正这篇issue中的问题。

我谈一点我自己的感受：
这是我的第二篇issue；我吸收了crusade在第一篇issue28中，给我指出的关于长句写作中出现的问题；自我感觉比起第一篇的长句，这一篇出现的问题会少一些。审题上也开始逐步细化，但是还没有到位，taft的意见非常好；我会好好反思。

我自己在写作的时候整体的感觉是，如果要把问题说清楚，非得千余字，但这样似乎不现实，对issue这样的考试。所以，我现在努力惜墨如今，也感到为什么满分的issue作文字数得600左右！

最大的问题还是不能具体，即使在审题上也是如此。可能与我的思维方式有关（我更喜欢抽象的，形而上的东西），这一点我非常痛苦！！！这也是我在写issue时的致命缺点！:confused:

我会再接再厉！

crusadeUID: 149710

issue写作不要想着面面俱到，那是不现实的，很多时候就是抓一个facet，imong斑竹曾经提出的抓关键词的思路就很好，很多文章就是抓一个词入手，完全就是一篇丰富精彩的文章。我印象比较深的是以前issue88里galaxysong（好像是的）的文章，他只从determine一个词入手就写的很漂亮。
还有大水牛似乎过分注重长句之类的语言问题，我觉得，从一上来就培养缜密的逻辑思维习惯才是最重要的。

dashuiniuUID: 142361

我并没有过分追求长句，在写的时候，很自然就这样。我想用短句表示，但是，似乎很难；我自己都有点faint！
逻辑思维的问题，我现在开始重视起来，文章现在我不求练的多，我现在求精，在充分吸收大家的意见上！

dashuiniuUID: 142361

在issue52的最末尾，你给我的建议是

I feel that I am on the rocket facing black universal and questioning where is my dear Earth. What I am going to say is that you exclude all the readers outside the door of this topic.

但是，我不太明白，taft，详细一点给我解释一下好吗

xqmelissaUID: 140370

扫了一下你的帖子，不少人和你讨论了，我就没改了，改你下一篇吧，好吗？

但是看了一下你列的中文提纲，我觉得有一点点跑题了，1、2还可以，3好象扯的有点远了

就我的理解，这个题目是在讨论教育的方式与社会和谐之间的关系，你可以从他们的联系入手进行分析
不过这个题目我就是现在看了一下，有这么些初步想法，具体的思路等我考虑清楚后和你讨论吧

crusadeUID: 149710

For any form of education, the one of the first most (有first most这么说的嘛?)important things is to encourage students and(+ to) train their capability (train capability? 总觉得是中式英语)of questioning and criticizing;(为什么不另起?你觉得这个逗号有必要嘛?) however, for the students without other cultivation of virtues, over emphasis on the ability tends to pose unexpected results such as insular misunderstanding ,and even individual conflict harming the societal harmony.开头还是有点vague, 我不是牛人,不大能接受这样的开头,也许有的6分范文的开头没有明确作者自己的观点,但我还是随大流的,看看国人的文章几乎所有开头都挑明自己观点的.

As we know, the progress or even the contribution of any field entails individual innovation and creativity. The common example is the information technology, which is immensely enhancing our level of life, drastically changing the society even including our customs and our attitudes, and with which (真搞不懂你为什么要用这个with which,看看如果把他去掉,加一个表因果的连接,完全通顺)so many brand new products amazing us come out of factories( 这个用法我不太确定,也觉得有中式嫌疑,come into being?) every day. Another instance is the artist exemplifying the importance of innovation and creativity, with which all the famous masters of art differentiate one from another. And if we see (前面这个And if we see去掉)from a perspective of the development of human being, there are even more examples demonstrating the significance of them. But where does the spirit or the soul of innovative(这个是名词嘛?) rise most likely. Just through education encouraging, arousing the desire of the students to question and through the way alike.(好像是破句呃,主干就是just through education and through the way alike) 论证完全不够格,呆会再谈.

In America, the education , based on John Dewey's theory (来自孙远工具箱吧?hehe)that the school's job is to develop the natural process of the growing child, has worked for many years emphasizing (老问题又来了,这个emphasizing跟哪个的? 这就相当于which emphasize, 而且必须紧跟主语的,不是你觉得放哪里好看就可放哪里的,按照你这句,难道是years?)the imparting(用名词) of life skills such as independence(我记得孙远工具箱里这个independence可不属于life skills欧), analytical thinking (broader than questioning and criticizing)(凭什么说他broader than questioning and criticizing?而且人家要你谈的是后者,你去谈一个broader的东东干什么?如果你觉得是因为连broader的东东都达到了,那么questioning and criticizing也不在话下了,请给出具体论证) and so on. And there is evidence proving the good effect of the education. However, following the educational success, especially (+success或类似词)of the thinking approach, are the latent byproducts, (这个逗号不能加)tending to arouse agitation and even harm. (破句,following xxx, are xxx?主语呢?) 看看你段与段之间的衔接,一点逻辑关系都没有,一点都不顺畅,ETS是很强调这一点的,也就是说,你的主体缺乏coherence.

Without the tolerance or open mind especially when young, a student,(晕, a young student而且完全不可加逗号) indoctrinated with the creed of criticizing and questioning and independence(有这样用and的嘛?A, B and C而且为什么independence和前两者平起平坐?), often tends to ignore the thoughtful respect towards other students, amplifying the weakness of others with critical eyes and even thinking that they will be the center.(看看你这句的结构, without xxx when student (跟了个限定性从句, 是灌输了批判质疑和独立信条的学生) often tends to xxx后面一长串全是这个学生的动作 ,你觉得通嘛?一个without, 然后一个when 从句,连主句也没有就结束了?或许你的意思不是这样,但我完全看不懂,除非在indoctrinated前加个be 动词,然后在often前加个he/she可能通点,还要把without 那个半句放到student后面) Things will be even worse when they grow, if still lacking the concept of being tolerant and accepting the merit of others(你这种写法,我只会认为lack和accept的主语是things,然后说你主谓不一致). It is easy to find that the misunderstanding and conflict of everyday life often arise from people's mutual fastidiousness, intolerance and insularity in the name of criticizing and questioning. If the whole social ambience based on the individual is like that, what will happen? Chauvinism is the most simple but the incisive extremity of the negative questioning and criticizing.( 这个Chauvinism我完全不明白和questioning and criticizing有什么关系,你喜欢形而上的东西,但不要把这种思维带到aw里来,aw的目的在于阐述清楚前因后果,就这样冒出一个例子,而且根本找不到和你前面论证的对应点(也许我对这个和拿破仑有关的单词典故不熟吧,但你要想到读者就是不熟悉的,你的论证要让读者明白怎么回事.

Then, education's job, only giving encouragement to students and stimulating them to question and criticize, is far from the way to plasticize them as not only independent, critical and intelligent but(+also) the whole soul with such good virtues as liberalness, diversity tolerating(用名词!), challenging(这也是virtue?) based on respect towards others, and even the concept of collective, etc. Only put together, will all the virtues be more likely to promote social harmony, but not instead.( but not instead.去掉,也许你想说”不是相反”,但我没见过这种表达)

问题: 依然没有明确的thesis,没有明确的TS,这是很危险的.
Body1 TS就跑题,任何领域的贡献都对创新有益.然后讲了一通科技和艺术,教育呢?你把教育扔哪去了?质疑和批判呢?大段在谈创造力,最后却忽然来个结论说教育可以使学生质疑和批判.前后一点关系都没有. 似乎你的目的是想说教育使人质疑,然后促进了创造力,但好像是本末倒置,论证上的重点完全反了,另外那个艺术的例子举了等于没举,只是泛泛而谈.
Body2  没有TS, 那个however后面的我也看的有点糊涂,因为我觉得那是个破句.对整个段落来说,那个句子是不是准备用来启示下文的?
Body3  好像只是说如果没有开放的思想和宽容,就会造成怎么样的后果,这段论证的还可以,但要注意和harmony的紧密联系,还是觉得差口气,还有就是那个例子举的太唐突.
感觉你的作文整个思路上受中文的影响很大,英文写作和中文写作在整个思路上相差极大, 这点要尽快改正啊.
晚上去游了场泳,感觉比较累,所以可能有些问题讲错了, 你先将就着看下.

dashuiniuUID: 142361

For any form of education, the one of the first most (1有first most这么说的嘛?)important things is to encourage students and(+ to) train their capability (train capability? 总觉得是中式英语)of questioning and criticizing;(2为什么不另起?你觉得这个逗号有必要嘛?) however, for the students without other cultivation of virtues, over emphasis on the ability tends to pose unexpected results such as insular misunderstanding ,and even individual conflict harming the societal harmony.3开头还是有点vague, 我不是牛人,不大能接受这样的开头,也许有的6分范文的开头没有明确作者自己的观点,但我还是随大流的,看看国人的文章几乎所有开头都挑明自己观点的.

As we know, the progress or even the contribution of any field entails individual innovation and creativity. The common example is the information technology, which is immensely enhancing our level of life, drastically changing the society even including our customs and our attitudes, and with which 4(真搞不懂你为什么要用这个with which,看看如果把他去掉,加一个表因果的连接,完全通顺)so many brand new products amazing us come out of factories( 5这个用法我不太确定,也觉得有中式嫌疑,come into being?) every day. Another instance is the artist exemplifying the importance of innovation and creativity, with which all the famous masters of art differentiate one from another. And if we see 6(前面这个And if we see去掉)from a perspective of the development of human being, there are even more examples demonstrating the significance of them. But where does the spirit or the soul of innovative7(这个是名词嘛?) rise most likely. Just through education encouraging, arousing the desire of the students to question and through the way alike.8(好像是破句呃,主干就是just through education and through the way alike) 论证完全不够格,呆会再谈.

In America, the education , based on John Dewey's theory 9(来自孙远工具箱吧?hehe)that the school's job is to develop the natural process of the growing child, has worked for many years emphasizing 10(老问题又来了,这个emphasizing跟哪个的? 这就相当于which emphasize, 而且必须紧跟主语的,不是你觉得放哪里好看就可放哪里的,按照你这句,难道是years?)the imparting11(用名词) of life skills such as independence12(我记得孙远工具箱里这个independence可不属于life skills欧), analytical thinking (broader than questioning and criticizing)13(凭什么说他broader than questioning and criticizing?而且人家要你谈的是后者,你去谈一个broader的东东干什么?如果你觉得是因为连broader的东东都达到了,那么questioning and criticizing也不在话下了,请给出具体论证) and so on. And there is evidence proving the good effect of the education. However, following the educational success, especially 14(+success或类似词)of the thinking approach, are the latent byproducts, 15(这个逗号不能加)tending to arouse agitation and even harm. 16(破句,following xxx, are xxx?主语呢?) 看看你段与段之间的衔接,一点逻辑关系都没有,一点都不顺畅,ETS是很强调这一点的,也就是说,你的主体缺乏coherence.

Without the tolerance or open mind especially when young, a student,17(晕, a young student而且完全不可加逗号) indoctrinated with the creed of criticizing and questioning and independence(18有这样用and的嘛?A, B and C而且为什么independence和前两者平起平坐?), often tends to ignore the thoughtful respect towards other students, amplifying the weakness of others with critical eyes and even thinking that they will be the center.(看看你这句的结构, without xxx when student 19(跟了个限定性从句, 是灌输了批判质疑和独立信条的学生) often tends to xxx后面一长串全是这个学生的动作 ,你觉得通嘛?一个without, 然后一个when 从句,连主句也没有就结束了?或许你的意思不是这样,但我完全看不懂,除非在indoctrinated前加个be 动词,然后在often前加个he/she可能通点,还要把without 那个半句放到student后面Things will be even worse when they grow, if still lacking the concept of being tolerant and accepting the merit of others20(你这种写法,我只会认为lack和accept的主语是things,然后说你主谓不一致). It is easy to find that the misunderstanding and conflict of everyday life often arise from people's mutual fastidiousness, intolerance and insularity in the name of criticizing and questioning. If the whole social ambience based on the individual is like that, what will happen? Chauvinism is the most simple but the incisive extremity of the negative questioning and criticizing.21( 这个Chauvinism我完全不明白和questioning and criticizing有什么关系,你喜欢形而上的东西,但不要把这种思维带到aw里来,aw的目的在于阐述清楚前因后果,就这样冒出一个例子,而且根本找不到和你前面论证的对应点(也许我对这个和拿破仑有关的单词典故不熟吧,但你要想到读者就是不熟悉的,你的论证要让读者明白怎么回事.)

Then, education's job, only giving encouragement to students and stimulating them to question and criticize, is far from the way to plasticize them as not only independent, critical and intelligent but(+also) the whole soul with such good virtues as liberalness, diversity tolerating22(用名词!), challenging23(这也是virtue?) based on respect towards others, and even the concept of collective, etc. Only put together, will all the virtues be more likely to promote social harmony, but not instead.( 24but not instead.去掉,也许你想说”不是相反”,但我没见过这种表达)

问题: 依然没有明确的thesis,没有明确的TS,这是很危险的.
Body1 TS就跑题,任何领域的贡献都对创新有益.然后讲了一通科技和艺术,教育呢?你把教育扔哪去了?质疑和批判呢?大段在谈创造力,最后却忽然来个结论说教育可以使学生质疑和批判.前后一点关系都没有. 似乎你的目的是想说教育使人质疑,然后促进了创造力,但好像是本末倒置,论证上的重点完全反了,另外那个艺术的例子举了等于没举,只是泛泛而谈.
Body2 没有TS, 那个however后面的我也看的有点糊涂,因为我觉得那是个破句.对整个段落来说,那个句子是不是准备用来启示下文的?
Body3 好像只是说如果没有开放的思想和宽容,就会造成怎么样的后果,这段论证的还可以,但要注意和harmony的紧密联系,还是觉得差口气,还有就是那个例子举的太唐突.
感觉你的作文整个思路上受中文的影响很大,英文写作和中文写作在整个思路上相差极大, 这点要尽快改正啊..

Taft的建议对审题确实有益: What does education refer to in this topic, former or informer?
What question should be encouraged? (social problems, political sandals, scientific and technological problems and personal problems) How to criticize?(attitude, influence from others, objective or subjective, criteria) What is social harmony? (Decline in crime, overall welfare, peaceful life, or other promotion) How to maintain social harmony? Does question and criticize unconditionally do little to promote social harmony? (Arouse hatred, lose confidence for the future)