ISSUE133 大胆突破新东方模式！

kzmUID: 157203

The problems of modern society have led many people to complain: “ we live in terrible times.” Yet, given the choice, no one today would prefer to live in any other time.

We do live in a society that contain lots of terrible problems. The abuse of the unclear power has brought out the mass destructive weapon, which threat the whole world. The over explore of the oil and the natural gas has make some land sink. The SARS has killed hundreds of thousands of people. All these things seem to tell us that, we are making our home to a world that is not suitable for we human beings to live in.

What I miss is the time when we can walk with leisure on the street and have breakfast in a restaurant without the fear of being killed by a suicide bomber. What I miss is the kind of the relationship that we human beings can live homonymous with the animals and even can be the friends of them. I also miss the bank on that we can have a sunbath without the thinking of the day-by-day increased harmful radiation. Which may be the things that all the people want to have. Yet all these seem go further and further from us, in the technology advanced society. And I think if there is a choice, many people, at least me, will chose to live in a old world.  

However, we could do something to prevent these things to happen, and this is our responsibility, too.

For example, many people do not have the sense of protect the environment; they think these things are far from themselves. What they see is the dirty water poured out of the big factory, what they hear is the loudly call to prevent the automobile to product more gas. But they don’t know such small things even like to save a b6attery or can benefit the nature environment. And only through these small elements, can the project be successful.

Another example can be combined with the science. Science and Technology, from which the society benefit a lot, begin to show the negative aspect. Such as the nuclear weapon and the human clone, Though we have no access to this high technology, can we use our ability, and as well as our responsibility, to establish a ethical standard and make everybody to know? If every one especially the scientists engaged in these controversial researches have a clear sense that what is right and what is wrong, there will be no abuse of this strong power.

A terrible world is not the worst, a terrible people is. Here we have two choice: to let these things continue and eventually make a dead world, or to change from now on, and create a new world that nobody live in that have the desire to leave it.

九月爱上乒乓球UID: 151821

胆子好大啊,这样写可以吗??

kzmUID: 157203

^-^
不可以吗？
我想试着改改
毕竟我高中时语文是很好的，我烦死新东方的死模式了

小丑鱼UID: 157722

我也觉得大家都按模式写就太僵化了
前几天问了一个去年10月考的牛人（作文6分），我问她高分作文有什么要领，像结构啦、思想啦到底有什么要求，她说得6分的人各自以不同的特点取胜，像她逻辑就特别强（当然这是建立在她用英语表达已经和用中文表达没什么区别的前提下的）
但我觉得你这样写还是不太好，首先，不是特别客观的感觉；其次，你说的可以说全是观点性的语言，等于说是unwarranted，这样不够严谨
我觉得写文章要保持一种客观的态度，每个观点都有凭有据，在此基础上不拘泥于形式（但要结构清楚，逻辑关系紧凑），才算突破
另外，你语言上有不少小错误，我觉得应搞定基础，再来求变化。
一点小建议，不要见怪哦：）
不过看得出来你语文确实不错

小丑鱼UID: 157722

我语文也可以的，我开始写了一篇文章给那个牛人去看，她看到第二段就说跑题了。我还想争辩一下，她说：老美的思维就是直线化，给你什么你就写什么，不要胡思乱想。
开始很不服气，后来想想觉得有道理的：）

kzmUID: 157203

可是你有没有看过PP3 里的范文？
那个教育工作者就明确的说在自己角度上的想法
那个写什么影响社会的就说我要出去抽口烟，喝口啤酒
我觉得我们是学生就在学生的角度上说就行了，何必提升到象一个国家领导人似的角度呢？

xqmelissaUID: 140370

The problems of modern society have led many people to complain: “ we live in terrible times.” Yet, given the choice, no one today would prefer to live in any other time.

We do live in a society that contain lots of terrible problems. The abuse of the unclear power has brought out the mass destructive weapon weapons, which threat the whole world. The over explore exploration of the oil and the natural gas has make made some land sink some sinking lands?. The SARS has killed hundreds of thousands of people. All these things seem to tell us that, we are making why do not use “make” our home homestead to a world that is not suitable for we human beings to live in.

What I miss is the time when we can walk with leisure take a walk on the street and have breakfast in a restaurant without the fear of being killed by a suicide bomber are you meet this situation before? This is not a good example. What I miss is the kind of the relationship that we human beings just we is OK can live homonymous with I think it should be “harmonious” the animals and even can be the friends of them. I also miss the bank on that we can have a sunbath without the thinking of the day-by-day increased harmful radiation. I could understand the meaning of this sentence by checking those words on dictionary, but I suggest you change your expression, so that it could made your meaning more clearly. Which what may be the things that all the people only “people” want to have. Yet all these seem go there are two verbs! further and further from us, in the technology advanced society. And I think if there is a choice, many people, at least me, there is a contradiction between many people and me, which one do you want to say? Majority or minority? will chose to live in a old world.

However, we could do something to prevent these things to happen prevent doing sth, and this is our responsibility, too why use “too”? maybe you want to say and “this is also our responsibility”.

For example, many people do not have the sense of protect the environment; they think these things are far from themselves. What they see is the dirty water poured out of the big factory, what they hear is the loudly call to prevent the automobile to product more gas. But they don’t know such small things even like to save a b6attery or can benefit the nature environment. And only through these small elements, can the project be successful.

Another example can be combined with the science. Science and Technology, from which the society benefit a lot, begin to show the negative aspect. Such as the nuclear weapon and the human clone, Though we have no access to this high technology, can we use our ability, and as well as our responsibility, to establish a ethical standard and make everybody to know? If every one especially the scientists engaged in these controversial researches have a clear sense that what is right and what is wrong, there will be no abuse of this strong power.

A terrible world is not the worst, a terrible people is. Here we have two choice: to let these things continue and eventually make a dead world, or to change from now on, and create a new world that nobody live in that have the desire to leave it.

后三段的语言没有仔细看，但是从前几段看来，楼主的中文作文水平可能可以，但是英文的写作功底就不好恭维了，整体的感觉就是chinglish，建议先去读一些好的英文文章，感受一下基本的写作方式。

至于突破新东方的方式呢，我个人的意见是，只有在达到了一定水平之后，逻辑思维能力和对语言的掌握能力之后才有此可能，但是如果初练的话，用一下那些模式未尝不是一件好事。

至于本文呢，我觉得你的表达太散文化了，可能放到高考中还可以，但是放在强调逻辑思维能力的ISSUE中就很不合适了。

可能批的太严厉了吧？还望包涵呦！
共同提高吧！

小丑鱼UID: 157722

"那个写什么影响社会的就说我要出去抽口烟，喝口啤酒"
首先，大部分范文都是写得有一定深度和广度的（我们是学生没错，但学生实际上是应该思考社会问题的吧）
其次，那篇范文只是在最后写了这么一句显得很生动而已，如果没有它前面那些细致全面的分析单凭这个肯定是不能得高分的