Issue第一段的写法

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

刚才看一位版友的习作，第一段仅一句话，似乎部分同学对于如何写第一段还没有形成某种共识。这里先总结一下范文中的第一段。

https://www.ets.org/gre/revised_ ... ue/sample_responses



As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

The statement linking technology negatively with free thinking plays on recent human experience over the past century. Surely there has been no time in history where the lived lives of people have changed more dramatically. A quick reflection on a typical day reveals how technology has revolutionized the world. Most people commute to work in an automobile that runs on an internal combustion engine. During the workday, chances are high that the employee will interact with a computer that processes information on silicon bridges that are .09 microns wide. Upon leaving home, family members will be reached through wireless networks that utilize satellites orbiting the earth. Each of these common occurrences could have been inconceivable at the turn of the 19th century.

1 The statement linking technology negatively with free thinking plays on recent human experience over the past century.

本句做了两件事： 1 概括了原命题的主要意思 抓住了重点 2 指出了命题的语境包括human exp+ 时间

2 Surely there has been no time in history where the lived lives of people have changed more dramatically.

针对上句的语境承认有改变 concession 之后通常会有不同的观点

3 A quick reflection on a typical day reveals how technology has revolutionized the world.

引出后面的具体讨论 同时针对change 换了一个revolutionize

4 Most people commute to work in an automobile that runs on an internal combustion engine.

对上句举例说明
开头段举例比较少见:dizzy:

5 During the workday, chances are high that the employee will interact with a computer that processes information on silicon bridges that are .09 microns wide.  

好吧 继续讲科技如何改变生活和工作环境  

6 Upon leaving home, family members will be reached through wireless networks that utilize satellites orbiting the earth.

从工作讲到生活 与家人沟通

7 Each of these common occurrences could have been inconceivable at the turn of the 19th century.

总结前述的例子 换一个角度来评价

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额！这！个！开！头！太！不！靠！谱！了！  

虽然是6分，完全不适宜模仿。

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还是用我自己写的来示范吧  


Claim: Many problems of modern society cannot be solved by laws and the legal system. Reason: Laws cannot change what is in people's hearts or minds.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


1 According to the prompt, laws and the legal system cannot solve many social problems in today’s world because it is impossible for the system to change how people feel or think.   2 While we need to acknowledge the usefulness and importance of the legal system in solving a great many problems for individual members of the society on a daily basis, it is true that the current legal system is less effective when it comes to solving social problems at large scale. 3 Nevertheless, as I will illustrate with my examples, the inefficency of laws mainly results from the complexity of the social problems rather than the reason stated in the prompt.  

1 According to the prompt, laws and the legal system cannot solve many social problems in today’s world because it is impossible for the system to change how people feel or think.  

基本上是对原命题的同意转换
本来是可以在前面加一句语境的  直接这样也可以  

2 While we need to acknowledge the usefulness and importance of the legal system in solving a great many problems for individual members of the society on a daily basis, it is true that the current legal system is less effective when it comes to solving social problems at large scale.

开始提出观点 将问题分作两个层面：个人问题与社会问题

3 Nevertheless, as I will illustrate with my examples, the inefficency of laws mainly results from the complexity of the social problems rather than the reason stated in the prompt.  

跟进讨论社会层面法律无效的原因

应该说我这样写的立意是有问题的，对于Reason: Laws cannot change what is in people's hearts or minds. 没有正面回应，是硬伤。不过第一段的基本套路还是体现出来了

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不计时写一个标准的

The rule of laws has become a core value of modern society as we rely on the laws and the legal system to maintain social order and solve a wide range of social problems. Despite the sophistication of legal institution as we know it, there are a lot of social issues that remain unsolved, e.g. growing income gap and poverty.  Some people argue that laws are not the solutions for such problems because the legal system cannot alter how we feel or think. In my opinion, however, laws are very effective in regulating human behaviors through providing incentives and disincentives and influencing people's attitudes and values indirectly via other insitutions such as education and family.  

The rule of law has become a core value of modern society as we rely on the laws and the legal system to maintain social order and solve a wide range of social problems.

介绍本命题的语境-法治乃现代社会的核心价值

Despite the sophistication of legal institution as we know it, there are a lot of social issues that remain unsolved, e.g. growing income gap and poverty.  

指出法治下仍然各种问题 为引出主要观点做铺垫

Some people argue that laws are not the solutions for such problems because the legal system cannot alter how we feel or think.

同意转换原命题  

In my opinion, however, laws are very effective in regulating human behaviors through providing incentives and disincentives and influencing people's attitudes and values indirectly via other insitutions such as education and family.  

提出一个较复杂可以展开的观点

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哪位同学有兴趣以上面的观点句写两个中间段的主题句出来？

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thuxyzUID: 3432791

我觉得楼主没有必要嘲讽OG的这篇范文，其实这是文风的原因。

这篇范文从technology advance的表现起笔，看似随意，但却给后面留下了巨大的发展空间（哪怕仅仅是让读者好奇想读下去），而且有具体的example不至于使文章，某种程度上也相当于给论题中的technology一个定义。就好像我们写论文的时候在开头background部分总是要引起读者（哪怕是学术型的读者）注意。何况同样的内容，不同的人写也会有很大差异——但凡能把语言运用好，再普通的论点也能出彩，我个人倒是感觉这个开头很有大家风范。

而楼主的开头可谓是总分总的“总”，属于提纲掣领型的，比较想要面面俱到，当然也无可厚非，但是在看了太多文章的priceton的老师眼中，或许有点老套。

一个类比：试想我们看中文，会更欣赏以“Obamacare颁布的背后是无数政客们的唇枪舌剑，暗藏着党派利益的妥协”开头的评论文，还是会更欣赏“今天中国社会的诸多冲突确是事实，但众所周知，道路是曲折的，前途是光明的”这样的开头呢？主要还是不同的风格，真的要论高下的话，还得综合来看。

仅以讨论为兴趣，发了上述废话。万一显得taunting，请楼主见谅，一定是写作文最近吐槽多了的原因。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

thuxyz 发表于 2014-7-2 16:37
我觉得楼主没有必要嘲讽OG的这篇范文，其实这是文风的原因。

这篇范文从technology advance的表现起笔， ...

嗯哪 其实我也无意嘲讽  6分的范文肯定有出色的地方 我主要担心两个问题
一是首段举例 这个有点浪费时间 例子应留在后面
二是首段无观点 观点是全文的核心与框架  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

foxy1988 发表于 2014-7-2 16:05
第二个不限时版本好像正面没有提出对claim的观点？

试写了中间段的主题句：

确实没有
你可否帮我改一下这个句子

你的第一个中间段没有例子 Maybe you could relate this point to the main issue - whether the laws can solve problems.  Discuss how laws can address problems such as traffic accidents through regulating people's behaviors without changing their attitudes.

第二段我写的主题句的意思是说法律可以间接影响人们的思想，即家庭和学校会根据法律的内容来引导学生社会化的进程。  It is important to recognize the educational value of laws as parents and school teachers explain to the children different laws and rules in modern society.   

可能是我之前没解释清楚吧  
你觉得这种提供了观点写中间段的练习对你有帮助么？  

thuxyzUID: 3432791

tesolchina 发表于 2014-7-3 08:06
嗯哪 其实我也无意嘲讽  6分的范文肯定有出色的地方 我主要担心两个问题
一是首段举例 这个有点浪费时间 ...

楼主说的起笔也有道理，但是我觉得首段举例的话比较attracting，不会流于空洞，另外首段先不抛观点，也是给后面铺垫的作用。如果笔力够了的话，这样的文章更有可能拿高分。不看GRE，而去看其他不错的议论性的英语文章，还是OG这种开头居多——所以我才会举中文的例子来说。当然除此之外，也是我个人会比较想要去模仿，毕竟GRE作文不会是我们英文写作的终点。

我觉得我可能应该申明一下观点，我的意见是，就和中文写作一样，不同的文风肯定是适合不同的人，但我觉得大家练笔的时候应当保留对另一种文风的开放程度，要给自己的自由发挥留有空间，而不应该完全跟着套路走。

虽然我觉得像我这种自由散漫的人确实应该听从楼主的意见，好好整理一下思路、规约一下开头：）

thuxyzUID: 3432791

foxy1988 发表于 2014-7-3 01:25
个人感觉楼主说得在理。虽然OG的范文开头确实千奇百怪，但中间论述都是比较严谨的。学术文章的范式严格， ...

楼主看得当然更全面更稳当，但我只是想为OG的范文申辩一下，其实是为另一种开头申辩。

诚如你所说，无论开头如何，中间的辩驳都必须要严谨，那么一个独辟蹊径的开头，就会比一个循规蹈矩的开头更容易跳出重围，至少值得去尝试。当然我们火候不够弄巧成拙那又是另外一回事情。

GRE阅读和一个完整的作文还是不一样的，基本上都是对文献和观点的综述和评析，限于篇幅之短，当然没有办法先做足铺垫——但是长阅读也有时会这样引入的。

我觉得不是规范和创新的关系，其实就是不同的写作习惯，开头方式很多，每个人都有自己适合的那一种。所以才会为OG那篇范文感觉委屈，其实中文写作也是一样，越是好的文章就越难模仿，但不代表不能那样起笔，我在论坛也有看到有人做得很好。

诶，我不该饶舌了，我觉得自己还是好好做好后面论证的工作才对~~

中二UID: 3539725

从分主题句开始写
然后确定为总主题句

这是一个好想法，否则每次都在想开头怎么办。