[美国&加拿大] 【申请指南】避开PS写作中的常见错误 [复制链接]

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发表于 2014-10-17 09:21:49 |显示全部楼层

本帖最后由 Lexus 于 2014-10-17 14:11 编辑

【申请指南】避开PS写作中的常见错误

【关键词】PS写作常见错误；一个主题，三个W；一篇好的PS一定是狙击枪，而不是散弹枪！

又是一年的申请季！！前几个月，我在美国访问了数个T14法学院，并与这些法学院的admission office进行新一轮的交流，了解美国法学院申请的最新动态。通过这段交流，我对美国法学院申请也有了更深刻的体会。此行中，法学院的admission office都提到PS在他们选择学生上的重要性。因此，在这篇文章中，我想通过对一篇由所谓的“大中介”写的PS进行解析，分析这篇PS在写作过程中所犯的错误，从而对该如何写PS进行阐述，有利于各位申请者避开在PS写作中出现的常见错误。

下文是某“大中介”为一位同学准备的PS。这位同学的背景如下：

1、就读于国内一流大学法学院的应届生，成绩评估为above average。（为保护同学隐私，下文称该国内法学院为“C Law School”。）

2、有在美国一T14法学院交流的经历。下文称该法学院为“A Law School”。

3、多次参加中国知名的模拟法庭比赛，并取得了不错的成绩。

4、有多段实习经历，其中包括在以国内超一流内资所的实习（并获得该内资所offer）。

在我看来，这样的背景完全有机会申请到T14中靠前的法学院。但是该同学委托某“大中介”写的PS（下文）是一大败笔，直接导致该同学最后没有收到T14法学院的offer，仅上了T14其中一所排名叫靠后的法学院的waiting list。最终，该同学决定withdraw application，接了上述内资所的offer，开始工作。我将在下文对该PS进行解析，在文中即时罗列出每一段出现的问题，并且在最后进行总结。

下文称该同学所申请的目标美国法学院为“T Law School”。

Personal Statement

By [applicant name]

In September [year], I was matriculated into undergraduate programme of Law at C Law School, ranking top [rank] among all Chinese law schools/universities. 【PS的开头应该能够吸引admission的眼球。此处的开头不但平淡无奇，还是一句废话。这一信息在CV中已经包括，申请者不应该用宝贵的PS篇幅对CV中已经包括的信息进行重复，而是应该用有限的篇幅突出自己的特点。】 Over the past three years, I have kept challenging myself and striking for the best. 【不必要的语言。】 In academic studies, I have learned that law shapes politics, economics and society in numerous ways and serves as a social mediator of relations between people. 【不必要的语言，与这篇PS的主题没有任何关系。】 The more I study law, the deeper I take an interest in it. 【不必要的语言。】 China’s law system is Civil-Law system; however, as rapid increase of international cases with more than one country involved, I believe it is necessary for law practitioners to learn Common-Law system also.【这是一个在PS中常用的“为什么要去美国读LLM”的原因，但是这个原因需要展开才能具有说服力。该PS通篇并没有就这点进行展开。这是一大败笔。】There is an old Chinese saying, that is, if you know yourself and your enemy, you’ll never lose a battle.【这句话完全没有考虑到admission也是有个人情感的人。这样的说法很容易使admission认为申请者来美国的原因是要了解“敌人”。完全有更恰当的方法表述同样的意思。】Studying Common-Law will contribute a lot to my future career in China when I deal with international cases. For instance, I will understand competitors’ thinking mode, their strategies and even predict their moves. So I regard overseas study as the most important thing in my short term plan. Because of its great reputation, T Law School become my first choice. As a result, I tried every means to make myself qualified for your reputed university. 【整个开篇没有任何可以吸引admission眼球的亮点。虽然这个申请者本身有很多优点，但这样的开头没有体现出申请者的任何特点，给admission的感觉是：“这又是一片千篇一律的PS，这又是一个没有特点的申请者。”】

Ever since I set up career ambition as professional international law practitioner and to achieve the short time goal, I have spent much time in learning knowledge with high efficiency. 【不必要的语言。】 From year 2008 to 2011, I have gained People’s Scholarships for three successive years. Besides, this semester honorably, I got the [XXX] Scholarship which is the highest standard of scholarship at our university. 【不必要的语言：重复CV中的内容。】 Moreover, in view of my excellence, I have been selected to be an exchange student out of 200+ students, taking part in exchange project in A Law School from [a certain period of time]. This precious experience has broadened my horizon and made me more eager to learn more advanced and updated knowledge to enrich myself. 【这段在A Law School交流的经历其实是该同学经历中的一大亮点，应该用大幅篇幅谈通过这段经历。但是该PS仅仅用了两句将这段经历一笔带过。这也是一大败笔。另外，法学院的PS应该体现申请者的专业素质：例如“200+”之类的语言太过随意，在此处应改为“over 200”。】

However, I think I have an advantage over those students who are content merely with doing well in exams in that I have more practical experiences. During the three years’ undergraduate study, I have taken part in seven debates among top universities in China and even in the world, and won prizes and the title of “The Best Debater” once. For detailed information please kindly refer to attached resume. 【完全不必要的语言。】 I have not only learned knowledge and experiences in debates but also enhanced logic and critical thinking, improved expression skills as well as teamwork. Especially in “Jessup Cup China”, one of the world’s largest moot court competitions, whose participants are mainly postgraduate students, I learned how to analyze and consider questions dialectically, how to draw other’s attention by eloquent arguments in limited time. What’s more, I gradually realized the importance of team spirit. Everyone has his role, we needs proper insistence and compromise, try our best to use communication skills to support the whole team’s efficiency. 【完全不必要的语言。参加模拟法庭的比赛自然培养选手的分析能力、口头表达能力和团队协作能力。如果仅仅想通过模拟法庭的经历体现出申请者这几个特质，不如将这段经历从PS中去除，因为admission在阅读申请者的CV时可以得出同样的结论。】【该同学的模拟法庭经历虽然也是一个亮点，但是相比起他在A Law School交流和在国内一流内所实习的经历而言，更讨巧的会是后者。如果没有想要通过模拟法庭这段经历引出与主题相关的感想的话，我们会建议弱化这段经历，将其融入对其他经历的描述中一笔带过，或直接不提。这篇PS中描述该同学模拟法庭的经历的篇幅长度十分尴尬：不长（没有什么实质性的心得体会，所以无法从这段经历中升华出主题，从而写不长），也不短（用了一大段（165字），但却没有体现出申请者任何与众不同的特点和想法），所以是单纯的浪费篇幅。】
Aware of the essence of real practices, I have actively taken six internships, among which three is undertaken in governmental bodies and one is in a top law firm. From the internships, I obviously feel the gap between theory and practice. The internship cultivates me the ability to learn fast and work well in a team. Besides, my social and communication skills were greatly improved through having dealings with different people and matters.【该同学的实习经历是一大亮点，但是这篇PS中仅仅零零碎碎的提到了一点（下文还有一处简略提到）。对这段的总体的评论这上段相同：长度尴尬，不长不短，没有任何深入的想法，单纯的浪费篇幅。】
In addition, as a Chinese student who born and live in China, it’s really an obstacle and big challenge for me to study in an English speaking environment and even in such a top university like you. 【我一般不会建议在PS中说申请者在英语环境中学习会遇到挑战或困难。申请者的英语水平已经由他的TOEFL成绩体现，除非TOEFL成绩不理想，不然无需在PS中浪费篇幅解释。】 However, predicting the challenge I will meet, I have prepared a lot to overcome it. Firstly, I take English as minor course at university. 【不必要的语言：CV中已有信息。】 Secondly, I have read magazines and books written in English, such as Business Review, BIS Quarterly Review, Lender Exposure and Effect in the Syndicated Loan Market written by Nada Mora, etc. Besides, in America I have read Feeley, Malcolm M., and Jonathan Simon. 1992,“The New Penology, Lynch, Mona. 2000. The disposal of inmate” Studies in Law, Politics, and Society 20, Whitman (2003) Harsh Justice, and etc. 【我一般不建议在CV中写申请者读过什么书，除非在PS中要对书中的内容展开讨论。即使要在PS中提到某本书，我们也不建议用citation的形式。】 Thirdly, I have got the opportunity to be selected as the tour guide to receive international politicians such as the president of Germany, the mayor of Hamburg and so on at Hamburg House of the EXPO, Shanghai. 【不必要的语言：CV中已有信息。】 My spoken English, communication skills, and capability to deal with emergencies have been greatly enhanced. Furthermore, in order to adapt to western education, I have competed for exchange student at A Law School and succeeded. Last but not least, my courses of LLB at C Law School are bilingual. Some courses are taught in English such as [course names]. With the above preparation, I am confident that I have little concern about studying law program entirely in English. 【再次提示：一般没有必要对在英文环境中的学习能力进行解释。】

Now as graduation approaches, I decide to continue my study in Masters of Law. Firstly, besides law, I take great interest in finance, which originated from an internship experience. In January [year], I took internship as Legal Assistant in [XX] Law Firm, and one of my responsibilities was compiling financial reports in English. I learned much financial knowledge and more importantly, I have become very curious about finance since then. That experience is very helpful for me when I wrote an essay “Legal Opinions for Syndicated Loans” as course work in December [year]. I have attached this essay for your reference. More importantly, nowadays in China, the government has made much investment in finance area and there is great potential of this industry. I want to capture the golden opportunity and become a famous lawyer specialized in finance. Masters of Law at T Law School attracts me most for its ideal course modules and world renowned reputation. Its interdisciplinary approach in law education helps students become familiar with the key concepts and techniques that will be learned in not only law, but also finance. I love the US culture, literature and history. And I am sincerely looking forward to studying with you. 【我猜测这段是想解释申请者为什么要去美国读法学院。这是一篇PS中非常重要的一个部分。但是，这篇PS的这一部分写的莫名其妙（我们觉得这点不用多解释了，读者自己应该能看出这段漏洞百出、思路不连贯），这也是一大败笔。】

总结：

一般而言，PS写作的原则为“一个主题，三个W”。

三个W是三个申请者在PS中要回答的问题，他们分别是：

（1）Why US Law？申请者为什么要选择学习美国法？

（2）Why this law school? 申请者为什么要选择这个法学院？

（3）Why you? 在众多申请者中，法学院为什么要选择你？

对这三个问题的回答也就应该是PS的三个部分。在PS的写作过程中，还应该有一个主题始终结合这三个W，贯穿全文。这个主题可以是申请者的一个目标、理想，可以是一个引起申请者关注的话题（上海的free trade zone如何改变中国的legal practice landscape？中国民诉法的改革将如何影响公益诉讼？国务院对资产证券化的规定存在什么样的问题？）。但必须注意的是，一旦确定一个主题，就必须对主题进行深度的讨论，绝对不能浅谈即止，更不能有多个主题。一篇好的PS一定是狙击枪，而不是散弹枪！

我们来分析一下这篇PS：

（1）在Why US Law这个问题上，这篇PS给出的答案是“想要了解Common Law System，想要Know your enemy”。这个答案不是不可以，但是必须要进一步的深度展开，而不是蜻蜓点水。并且，这篇PS对于这个答案的表述也非常不妥。

（2）在Why this law school这个问题上，这篇PS给出的答案在最后一段，是 (a) T Law School有非常好的reputation；(b) 申请者非常喜欢T Law School的interdisciplinary approach to legal education。同样，这篇PS就这方面也没有任何展开说明，毫无说服力。对于为什么申请这所学校，空泛的溜须拍马完全抓不住眼球，也体现不出申请者对学校的任何了解。申请者必须认真研究各个学院的特点，并根据这些特点结合自身情况对选择这所法学院对自身执业规划，发展兴趣等可能产生的影响进行详尽描述。我们理解对于申请者而言，每个学校在乍一看下除了排名以外都似乎是一样的。这就需要在PS写作之前对每个学校做足research。

（3）这篇PS花了大幅篇幅在回答Why you这个问题，但是回答的并不成功。这篇PS给出的回答是“我为了来贵T Law School做了种种准备”，然后罗列各种申请者CV中已经有的信息。这样的信息不专而杂，是散弹枪，而非狙击枪。这是一个比较失败的回答，也并不会给admission留下任何印象。PS是很personal的东西，一定要体现申请人的独特性。CV中已经出现过的内容除非能够通过详细描述体现申请人的独特性或者对法律的不同理解，完全没有必要在PS里赘述。所以，如何合理安排PS与CV的内容，如何在已有材料里结合两者特点共同体现申请人的独特性是需要深思熟虑的。

另外，补充一句，这篇PS通篇没有任何主题，全文的逻辑并不连贯，文中出现各种语法问题（对于细节问题admission office绝对零容忍），使人阅读起来很不舒服。

一篇PS的成功对申请理想学校的成功率起到决定性作用。用大众模版，无合理结构安排，缺乏个性是万万不行的。在此提醒申请者在申请的过程中慎重选用所谓的“大中介”，想要DIY的申请者希望能够注意避免上文中提到的各种问题。