【独立写作】dengdeng619作业贴

dengdeng619UID：3583532

KelvieChan 发表于 2014-12-21 17:09
亲这是我作文，麻烦你帮我看看。另外，你的作文写好了告诉我来帮你改~

ok~已改，回复在你的作业贴里~审题我们再讨论下吧，我最近在这一点上很有疑问= =

KelvieChanUID：3460889

dengdeng619 发表于 2014-12-21 22:23
ok~已改，回复在你的作业贴里~审题我们再讨论下吧，我最近在这一点上很有疑问= =

好的，谢谢啦，我现在改你的作文。

KelvieChanUID：3460889

改完啦~~ 我有点啰嗦的，加油~~

MinnieeeUID：3578394

sorry about replying late! 我打不开DOCX的文件实在不好意思。。可以复制粘贴吗？麻烦啦！

dengdeng619UID：3583532

KelvieChan 发表于 2014-12-22 13:54
改完啦~~ 我有点啰嗦的，加油~~

O(∩_∩)O谢谢~改的很细心呐~
我之前也是按照 “开头-正文（3段3点）-结尾” 这样在写，这篇是想试试能不能用偏向记叙性的写法写essay~所以正文没有按照一个中心论点，一个例子这样的形式。主要就是通过老爹做老师过去和现在的对比来阐述，我试试能不能改的凝练一点，每段提取中心点啥的~
谢谢审题上的意见~我去看看高分范文总结总结~干巴爹，一起加油~

dengdeng619UID：3583532

Minnieee 发表于 2014-12-22 14:48
sorry about replying late! 我打不开DOCX的文件实在不好意思。。可以复制粘贴吗？麻烦啦！

哈哈木事~是直接把文章贴在回复里麽？
那个能不能把你的作业贴链接发一下~我好帮你看看~

12.19
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the busy and crowded world today, we should not expect people to be polite to each other

[ESSAY MAP]
1.        Social phenomenon. Disagreement.
2.        Reasons for disagreement:
(1) Virtue
(2) If people were all impolite, the world will be…
(3) why it is still expected in today’s world.
3.        Conclusion & suggestions.


Nowadays, there exists a phenomenon in our community that some people have a stronger inclination, by historical standards, to lose their temper or show impolite attitudes towards others. Mounting pressure, excessive self-expansion, or extremely fast-paced modern life, all sorts of things could be accounted for people’s impolite behaviors. However, it could never be taken as the solid foundation for the statement that people are not expected to be polite to each other in the busy and crowded world today. The reasons for my adverse attitude are as followed.
First and foremost, to be polite is supposed to be ranked as one of the virtues of supreme significance throughout history. A gentle, civilized and self-respect man is expected to be a polite man, so how could we take it for granted that it’s natural for people to behave rudely. Some people tend to think of themselves to be better-educated than the previous generations, then why these people should behave less polite than the previous generations? What’s more, it is absolutely absurd to deny all just for some bad exceptions. Fervent believers in good manner are still a strong power in our society, internally and externally.
Apart from its special status as an everlasting virtue, it will be horrifying to imagine what the world will be if politeness is never expected from people surrounding us. I used to offer a simple “thank you” to the cashier at the market’s counter, and is always happy with his warm reply, a similarly simple saying of “welcome”. Imagine that if I no politeness is expected from me and he, the shopping will be reduced to a cold deal, deprived of its meaning of human contact, just something like the machine. What’s worse, the world will fall to a cold, zigzag and machine-like world. Then, what’s the meaning of us human beings’ existence? Thus, we should be optimistic to expect warmth, kindness, and politeness from others as well as ourselves.
Last but not least, some people may argue that the golden word is out of date in today’s society, so is the politeness. However, they ignored the fact that even in this busy, crowded, fast-paced world, people should take time to be polite so as to enhance relationships, to earn recognize and respect, and to get further opportunities as well. We can count on these people to be polite enough.
To summarize, politeness is the very virtue with everlasting value and is worthwhile to be expected in people surrounding us. If you find the community somewhat busy, cold and annoying, just maintain optimistic enough to find people with good manner.
字数：434

dolphin_wbyUID：3408651

童鞋~我看了你16和18号的作文，觉得和我之前经常写的那些八股文确实很不一样，写得很有深度，语言也感觉很高大上，觉得基础很好~不过我个人觉得在表达上有些用力过猛，体现在都是长句，造成阅读疲劳，私以为长短句，简单句和复杂句交错会带来更好的阅读体验，而且也造成有的地方语法可能有点有待商榷，具体见18号的作文批注，当然可能只是我孤陋寡闻了，改错了还要多多交流~

在审题立意上，前面我提到跟我的思路确实不一样，我考了三次，22-26-27，第一次折在综合听力上，后两次听力也有模糊，独立虽然都是good，但也不知道八股写法有没有让独立拿到5.0（至少第一次没有），所以也不敢说中规中矩的八股写法就比你的好（也许正是这样写而失去了个性）。我说下我的思路吧，就12.18这篇来说，首先我会分析这是一道“状态”题，也就是是否同意某种行为状态是否存在，而不是should题，即对某个群体来说（在某种情况下）应该怎样做（12.16题)。我会重点分析现在广泛的attention到底有没有make the environmental situation better，是促进提高还是华而不实，站好队，然后举一些现实中的例子来佐证，适当来一点今昔对比，比如：

社会重视环保教育（attention）-->现在的孩子们都有环境保护的意识，在做着举手之劳的如分类垃圾的小事 (example) --> situation better
政府重视宣传环保的理念，出台政策 (attention) -->划保护区，限制高污染企业发展（example) -->势必会比不这样做更有利于环境，better
各国积极开展着环境峰会（attention) -->全球合作帮助某些没有能力的国家改善了当地的环境，并且制定全球化的标准，提出节能减排的目标 (example) -->这样取得了一定的成效-->better
...

还有很多方面可以提，大概就会这样写。由于我的水平实在是版主团队里拖后腿的，再加上考过了都半年多了，也不敢说自己的就一定对，不一样的一定不好，只是提供一种思路参考吧。建议你一方面在跟版友互改时多交流，听听大家怎么想，另一方面找一些更有经验的牛人来帮你分析修改，看看他们都怎么说。其实私以为托福作文的立意不必太深，只要把简单的道理用良好的逻辑说明白，再加上一些恰当的例子来充实支撑，语言过关，good差不多就有了。

真是个人看法，说实在的你这个我真拿不准，就参考参考吧

dengdeng619UID：3583532

dolphin_wby 发表于 2014-12-22 22:23
童鞋~我看了你16和18号的作文，觉得和我之前经常写的那些八股文确实很不一样，写得很有深度，语言也感觉很高 ...

谢谢斑竹大人的点评好棒~
我发现我在写作的时候还是没能彻底扭成英文思维，论证一个论点的时候按照中文思路分析多而少例子，很空洞很单薄，一方面是思维的问题，一方面是材料积累不够= =看来接下去这方面得多下功夫
看了斑竹的思路开拓，棒棒哒~很发散，这样有很多可以写。我写的时候可能有点钻牛角尖，太追求立意了。下次试试发散性的写，好写的点子写充分这样可能就跟斑斑说的那样good啦~
版友都棒棒哒~有小伙伴一起努力的感觉很好~~斑竹能不能推荐几个最近比较空的大神，看到论坛里的好多大神贴但是一直不敢勾搭ORZ

MinnieeeUID：3578394

改好啦！互相指正学习~

dengdeng619UID：3583532

Minnieee 发表于 2014-12-23 09:38
改好啦！互相指正学习~

谢谢~~我这篇的逻辑存在挺大问题的，因为我写的时候一直在思考，重点是放在阐述我为什么不同意这个观点（为什么不能be expected）的原因，还是放在阐述polite的重要性上。这点没想清楚就动笔了，立论点不是很好表达写出来蛮坑的= =看这篇辛苦了~

那个~你的作文我没有找到，要不你也复制粘贴？或者邮箱：447431062@qq.com

dolphin_wbyUID：3408651

dengdeng619 发表于 2014-12-22 23:43
谢谢斑竹大人的点评好棒~
我发现我在写作的时候还是没能彻底扭成英文思维，论证一个论点的时候按照中文思 ...

大神的话真不好推荐唉~因为求改作文毕竟是件要麻烦人的事，我自己还好，但是去推荐别人来改总觉得不太合适。其实你可以放心勾搭的，发个私信问问或者开个贴求拍啊~还有周围考过的同学，英语老师都可以帮你看的。

dengdeng619UID：3583532

dolphin_wby 发表于 2014-12-23 16:57
大神的话真不好推荐唉~因为求改作文毕竟是件要麻烦人的事，我自己还好，但是去推荐别人来改总觉得不太合适 ...

恩恩~谢谢斑竹~~再积累一段时间去求拍看看~过了期末坎

MinnieeeUID：3578394

又分到一组啦 还要麻烦你复制粘贴。。

dengdeng619UID：3583532

Minnieee 发表于 2014-12-24 10:05
又分到一组啦 还要麻烦你复制粘贴。。

哈哈好巧~辛苦喽

12.23
If you are to elect a student leader for a student organization or a club. Do you agree or disagree that honesty is the most important thing to consider in deciding whom to vote for?

A qualified student leader is expected to be equipped with sparkling personalities, among which honesty is supposed to be ranked upon the top list. From my point of view, honesty can serve the function as a mirror reflecting many aspects of the certain candidate.
First and foremost, a person who bears confidence in himself is sure to be an honest man who dares to show his strengths and weaknesses to the public. He does not necessarily have to excel in every aspect to make a distinguished leader, instead it will be better for a candidate to be courageous enough to face up with his personal merits and shortcomings and be honest with it. Hence, he could tell whether certain things, for example, governing a whole organization, is beyond his reach or not. If an honest person considers himself qualified, chances are that he can manage it extremely well.
Secondly, members of certain organization and club may be reluctant to provide further recognition and sincere respect for a dishonest leader. Naturally, relevant voters all expect to have a better understanding of the very person that they cast vote for. Differed from familiarity, this kind of behavior is all about a thorough, scientific and overall estimate upon whether the potential leader trustworthy. If the members find themselves being cheated, they may stand up to object fiercely.
Last but not least, the organization or the club is more likely to turn better under the leadership of an honest person. The leader’s setting example of being honest will cast gradual, subtle but significant influence on its partners and teammates. Step by step, the entire organization will have the inclination to be honest, vigorous and inspiring. With the organization’s image improved, more students will be attracted to make the organization a stronger one.
To summarize, I’ll take being honest as the upmost standard in selecting a qualified leader, for an honest man can be counted on to be responsible for himself, his partners and the organization.
字数：331

MinnieeeUID：3578394

有问题随时联系呀！