dingka的5月作文练习

dingkaUID：2453299

最近更新
5月7日
3楼 issue6
4楼 argument 一篇，还没查编号
7楼 issue66，18和11的提纲


到考试前一周才来发帖求批改实在是万年拖延党。我在这个贴子的2楼会贴出tesolchina老师今天给我的点评，接下来的几天会陆续贴习作。

今天也差不多是我全面杀G两个月的纪念，在此想写几句话留给自己。看到自己的注册日期，一边呵呵一边酸酸的。注册寄托的情形时候仿佛都还历历在目，当时大概无论如何也不会想到，这一场漫长的拖延，会拖到7年以后。回顾这两个月，无论是准备VQ还是AW，对我来说，都是一个逐渐磨损自信，但又重新认识自我的过程。

杀G过程中，我深刻认识到自己的惰性、低下的控制力以及精力和智力随着年龄不断流失的事实。一直以来，我都被身边的老外夸英语好（我想他们友善地忽略了前提，即“作为没出过国的中国人”），但在被G吓倒的一段时间内，我甚至对在英语国家生活工作的可能产生了深深的恐惧。所幸的是，后来，还是在苦逼的过程中找到了久违的学习语言的快乐。其实G的词汇真的很牛逼啊，看纸牌屋、傲骨贤妻等有比较高端的政治、法律辩论时候，经常会听到正在背的词，而这些以前不会的词，之前完全被耳朵忽略掉了。例如纸牌屋里有一集，Claire在一个听证会上说错了一句话，她随后否认自己说过，听证会主席马上说，你刚刚这句话就只是这么说的，一字不差。他用了verbatim这个词。当时我看到这里眼前一亮。这个细节极大地鼓舞了我的杀G之旅，听起来还蛮好笑的，但事实确实如此。

再说说对作文的理解，作为多年没考过试的文字工作者，我曾一度非常反感对写作做模板和程式化的规定，之前并没有仔细看@tesolchina 老师的博客，也是因为这点玻璃心。限时写了五六篇，才发现AW真的是太牛逼的考查方式，自己所有的缺点都暴露无遗，甚至中文写作的毛病都出来了，没有提纲，想到哪儿写到哪儿，或是有了提纲自己一边写又一边改等等。

其实，我7年前没下决心出国的原因就是写作，我是没有信心用英文写作的，却又希望从事与写作有关的行业。这期间读过不少native写的各种文体，做过一些简单翻译的活，也写过些英文的材料，每次都觉得写英文是一件太苦的差事，让我等伪文艺青年完全没有快感，那还些什么写。

逼到现在，我对AW的理解依然肤浅，但今天算是我觉得有点epiphany的一天，具体的等我考完再做总结吧。在此立个小小的决心，本周考完之后，无论结果如何，我都打算继续跟着tesolchina老师用issue题目继续练一练。写作和学语言，归根结底，都应该是快乐而又日常的事情。

dingkaUID：2453299

5月5日练笔 issue 30，限时30分钟，发表前有修改。
老师点评很中肯，明天会再改一个版本发在这里。

王老师好，认真看了您的1+3结构，按照这个结构修改了最近的一篇限时作文，当时写的时候脑子里的结构并不是很清晰，所以在第一段正文段有把第一第二个点合并论证的情况。
请斧正！谢谢！

题目

30) Teachers' salaries should be based on their students' academic performance.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim.
In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

习作

In a society where a student needs scores to graduate, to get in to higher education and to prove himself as a qualified job candidate, academic performance is very important thoughout the educational system and therefore should be among the top priorities of a teacher's concerns. However, I only agree with the claim on certain particular senarios. For some particular test-related teaching program, a salary incentive associated with students' academic performance may will benefit the effect of teaching, while such incentive would be inappropirate, or even dangerous, when it comes to other kind of the teaching program and the whole public education system.

needs scores to graduate 表达有问题  need to perform well academically  prove himself 表达
may will benefit 表达

test-related teaching program不懂啥意思  
你有尝试分类立论  但是我看完了你的主旨句却不知道你所说的test-related teaching program以及other kind of the teaching program and the whole public education system.是指的啥  



First, whether the teachers' effort can be evaluated by their students' academic performance depends on different kinds of education program. 这句话应该放在主旨句里  For training programs especially designed for a certain test, for instance, in a GRE training school, it is reasonable for a teachers' salary to fluctuate according to the academic performance, or the improvement of their performance. However, teachers who work with programs cultivating students’ hobbies or general abilities, it is unfair and impossible to judge the teacher's value based on scores. For example, in a special education program focus on mentally disabled children, academic performance would never been used in evaluate student's improvement, let alone determining teachers' salaries based on it. Other examples would be programs focus on fine art, music and sports, which are not designed for students to pass an exam but to improve their aesthetic skills and physical health.

哦 你想说 tutorial schools  这个例子不错啊 但是没有展开   你可以往深处论述为什么对于这种学校 这个策略比较好
接下来几句话都是蜻蜓点水   整段废掉了



Second, even for a program in which students' academic performance can be measured, determining teacher's salaries on student's scores should be very cautious. For such policy may encourage teachers focusing on test-passing skills and neglect many other important aspects that can't be tested. For example, under such policy, a middle school physics teachers may neglect students' strong passion in the experiments of basic physics phenomenon, but fill the blackboards with boring formulas and theories, which can eventually suppresses students’ passion in learning physics. Good-looking score reports may there be, but the spirit of education would be rendered.

the spirit of education would be rendered不懂

这段和上段的关联在哪里  
你想说teachers, under the proposed policy, will focus on tests rather than real learning
这个point挺好  
但是和你的TS并不呼应啊
TS(pt1,pt2,pt3)
ts(pt1)
ts(pt2)
ts(pt3)

你真的弄明白了1+3模型么  




Moreover, for the entire public education system, it is quite dangerous to adopt a reward mechanism based on student's academic performance, which can lead to uneven distribution of educational source. The natural gap between students with different family backgrounds, income, ethnic groups, may will influence their academic performance, and teachers being encouraged to teach students who will easily achieve higher performance would drive teacher resource to wealthier and well developed areas, which will be harmful to the entire society.

may will？？？？？
这个机制怎么会导致资源分配不均呢
我没读懂你的论证


如果你打算继续给我改的话 请你重新开一个帖子 把链接发在这里   
看你目前的状况 最好还是多看看我写的文章 按照我的思路和例子用自己的话表达一下试试  



To sum up, it is true that in some programs teachers’ should be encouraged to help their students to achieve better score, but their salaries, in many occasion can't simply be based on students academic performance. To ensure fully development of every student in a society, teacher's compensation should be synthetically determined.

tesolchina

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发表于 昨天 18:34 |只看该作者
dingka 发表于 2015-5-5 16:01
王老师好，认真看了您的1+3结构，按照这个结构修改了最近的一篇限时作文，当时写的时候脑子里的结构并不是很 ...

issue 30我刚写了一篇 在博客273楼
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dingka

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发表于 昨天 23:08 |只看该作者
tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-5 18:34
issue 30我刚写了一篇 在博客273楼

谢谢老师指正。这篇文章写的时候没有用1+3模型，我修改的时候安了主旨句进去，结构调了下但没有调的很好。论证的问题确实很大，最后一段本来想写因为整个社会学生基础不同，如果执行工资激励的政策，教师们都会倾向于去学生基础更好的地区和学校教书，那么对于整个教育系统来造成资源不均。因为之前没有打草稿，写文章的时候脑子里想到这一点，但在语言上却没有很好的表达出来。
刚看了老师的范文，果然论证深度高了不知道几个层次啊啊啊啊
我一会儿去开作文贴。这个周末就要一战了，这几天都会模考，我会修改下贴上来。看来按照目前情形，似乎必须得二战了555555
最后再次感谢。我去年有给wikipedia捐钱，今年会多捐些:lol:lol

dingkaUID：2453299

发下昨天PP2模考的练笔。Issue6。计时的时候勉强写完，简单修改一下再发上来。一开始中间一段没有对应好自己设计好的主题句，思维深度也太浅。看来这两天要抓紧看提纲想提纲修炼下。
一点点想法：考场上写一句要成一句，谨慎又要果断。因为后面几乎不可能有修改语法拼写的时间。写的太快而不好会越写月沮丧，写的太仔细拖拉后面就只能草草收尾了。


6) A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

In a nation, a standard national curriculum plays a vital role in its educational systems. I agree with the part of implementing a national curriculum, however, I don't agree with part of the recommendation that the same curriculum should be applied to all the students in the country. For most students, to ensure their development and equal education, a national curriculum would be appliable. However, for some students with particular backgrounds, and for students with special needs, such as disabled students, a national curriculum might cause an consequences lead to unfairness.


感觉你这个观点还是挺不错的，但是表达上不够清晰
具体这句话 表达问题很多- I agree with the part of implementing a national curriculum, however, I don't agree with part of the recommendation that the same curriculum should be applied to all the students in the country.

你大概的意思是
I agree that the government should introduce a national curriculum for all the students to study in order to ...
Nevertheless, exceptions should be made for certain groups of students such as ... and ... because ...

另外不要提Tibet 这个在美国很敏感

然后语言表达的细节问题也比较多 比如 standardize the educational levels  这个不知道是啥意思
你貌似马上要考了 祝你好运！  



For most students in public education system，a national curriculum would standardize the educational levels in different schools and regions, and make sure every student gets the same opportunity. For example, many countries have enacted laws to ensure their youngsters get a certain period of compulsory education and specified what kind of classes, literature, math, physical education, art, etc. they should take, and some even publishes standard text books for most students enrolled in public education system. Such policies will make sure all students, no matter wealthy or poor, have access to the basic and necessary knowledge before they go to colleges or job market.

However, for students with some certain backgrounds, it would be inappropriate for them to be forced to take the national curriculum that might carry the values that conflict to their culture or in a language they don't speak. Take education in Tibet area of China for example, implementing in a standard curriculum that was adopted in most areas in China would be inappropriate. Such policy would be very difficult for Tibet students, as the curriculum might challenge Buddhism they believe in, and fail to address on their own culture enough. Another example would be French-speaking students in Montreal, Canada: it would impossible for them to take the same curriculum as those do in Toronto and other cities in Canada.

Moreover, for students with some specific conditions, such as students who are disabled, standard curriculum should be altered to meet their demands. It would be impossible for blind students to take fine art lessons, for students who need wheel chairs to take regular PE class.

Although there are many benefits of implementing a national curriculum, given different demands of students in different regions, belonged to minority groups, and with varies special needs I don't agree with the claim that all the students should be required to study the same curriculum. Education system before college stage should be designed for the sake of all students in a nation, therefore, both standardization and diversity should be equally considered.

dingkaUID：2453299

昨天模考的argument. 不知道为什么比起issue，总是有点怕写argument。。。这个心理要好好分析下。
argument这两天重点练一下，感觉结构还没有把握的很好，对照写作要求也挺头疼的。


The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

"Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station's coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have canceled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to our news programs and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should expand our coverage of weather and local news on all our news programs."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

The business manager concludes that the late-night news program should increase the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level and by doing this, he believe the program would attract more viewer s and revenues. Reasonable it might appeared at first, to make a cogent argument, there are still some vital evidence missing in interpreting the complaints, analysing the local business advertising fund and the outcome of such recommendations.

First, the manager failed to provide enough evidence to prove that complaints about loss of weather and local news actually increased, and became an issue that the program should pay attention to. Although most of the complaints concerned about the lower level of weather and local news, the overall number of complaints might be much less than before. Another possibility might be there were even a lot more people who used to complained about lack of national news and just got satisfied because of the change, as they can get weather and local news from other channels such as cellphone and social network in stead of the TV. If evidence shown that overall number of complaints they received has dropped 99%, since the program shifted its focus to national news, the argument wouldn't be persuasive.

Second, more evidence would be needed to analyse whether local businesses' cancelling contracts has any connection with the change of the program. Evidence of whether their were particularly in favor of local news would be necessary to determine whether the loss of advertising avenue is a result of less weather and local news. Moreover, we may also need evidence to preclude other possibilities, such as the those business were have a really hard time financially.

Last, even if we postulate there are enough evidence to valid the arguer's conclusion in view complaints and advertising revenues, more evidence would be needed to explicit, when restoring the time of weather and local news, the effect would be as good as he predicts. Evidence such as viewers and other advertising customers will leave as the contents of the program is so unstable, or evidence shown that even more viewers and advertising revenue were actually aiming at the program's focus on national news, would challenge the conclusion.

All in all, to further determine whether the program should return to its former arrangements of weather and local news, the manager should provide more evidence.

KssandraUID：2766998

dingka 发表于 2015-5-7 10:33
发下昨天PP2模考的练笔。Issue6。计时的时候勉强写完，简单修改一下再发上来。一开始中间一段没有对应好自己 ...

觉得中间的前两段可以再展开一点~感觉这两段的例子都是刚刚说明了现象，正想读下去看你的论述，结果戛然而止了。。。我觉得第三段这个思路蛮好的，可惜只有两句话，哈

dingkaUID：2453299

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-7 13:49
觉得中间的前两段可以再展开一点~感觉这两段的例子都是刚刚说明了现象，正想读下去看你的论述，结果戛然而 ...

谢谢点评！有时间的关系，也有不太会讲道理的关系。到第三段基本就没时间了:mad:

dingkaUID：2453299

这两天为了冲刺，过了一遍issue的题目，用的是新东方张雷冬的书，这本书给每一个issue和argument都提供了一些思路，对于很快要上考场的佛脚党还是有些用处的。之所以会用这本书是因为之前上了新东方的课（多年没上过课的人克服瞌睡和走神有多难呐。。。）个人觉得收获有限，他强调文无定法，范文很漂亮，也设计了很多种写作的结构，其实每一种都挺好的。但个人觉得对于限时的紧张环境，根本来不及从多个选择中挑出一个合适的结构，太慌乱。

顺便离个题，G考察的虽然不是观点倾向，但从不同人写的范文里真的能看到许多不同的政治观点，呵呵呵呵。太有趣。虽然观点什么的不重要，但如果一个给定的提纲如果和自己的观点不同甚至抵触的话，好像真的很难写好，或是想到特别合适的例子呢。

今天发现有几道自己觉得挺难的题目，书里给出的思路挺怪的，王老师也没有范文。干脆作为练笔自己来写下提纲，用了王老师的模型，很开心。:loveliness:

接下来重点要把argument再过一遍，并限时一两篇，issue的话可能会认真改一下之前写的一些习作发上来。

话说这两天投这么多经历在作文上，是不是潜意识里觉得V已经无望了呢。。。555555


66) People who are the most deeply committed to an idea or policy are also the most critical of it.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

TS
For sustainable development of an idea or policy, people who really care about it would be very critical while observing its implement. However, I don’t quite agree with the claim because of its definitive tone. Although in some conditions, people would criticize an idea for the sake of its healthy development, in other cases, when people who committed selfishly in unfair policies only because of their own interests, such critism might not exist. Also, people who oppose to an idea often play critical roles too.

TS1
An idea or policy can be healthly developed under consistant self-correction, and those who really committed to it will realize this point and be critical to the ongoing implement.
eg. the amendments of US constitution. the development of science based on correcting mistakes.

TS2
However, for people who are in lack of conscience and committed to ideas or policies to satisify his own need wouldn’t bother to critize them in fear of losing their previlege. Stakeholders would ignore or even depute critism to their obviously flawed ideas simply to maintain their own interests.
eg.  Kim’s family reining in North Korea

TS3
Sometimes, harshest critism often comes from those oppose to the policy. Those who don’t approve the idea or policy at first place will have more motives and grounds to be critical.
eg. Most critical comments on a policy made by democratic party often comes from republican side.


18) The well-being of a society is enhanced when many of its people question authority.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

People’s opinion can be a indispensable part to the wellbeings of a society, however the extent to which I agree with the claim depends whether there are enough premises. For a well designed democratic systems, people questioning its authority will be no doubtly beneficial, however, the claim can’t be valid, with out the conditions, such as the availabilities of communication channels between people and authority, and people are offering resonable questions in approriate ways.

TS1
In a society with systems that allow it to enhance itselve through taking advices from its own people,  and people who are trained to take good use of such systems,such claim is valid.
eg. in democratic countries have election system and legal system as the channels to reflect people’s disagreement and their citizen are trained to use these systems as early has in their childhood.

TS2
Without a democratic system, people questioning authority will have no use and even bring them publishment from the authority as revenge.
eg. totalitarianism countries people won’t be able to question authority freely.

TS3
Without proper citizen education about how to express their view constructively and lawfully, a great amount of people questioning their authority might lead to chaos.
eg. take thailand as example, in some newly established democratic countries, people’s expressing their opinions violently may lead to chaos that wanes the wellbeing of the society.


11) People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

TS
Some of people's behavior are out of their own control, while some of it are surely the outcome of their own choice. Therefore, I only agree with the claim under certain conditions. Some of behaviors maybe determined by their physical conditions, influenced by the environment they live in, however, a great amount of behaviors reflects people's own will.

TS1
Some behaviors are determined by physical conditions, which can’t be of their own making
eg. certain eating habits based on people‘s allergic conditions
TS2
People’s manners, way of life, preference maybe determined by the environment they grow up in , parenting method, unconciously.
eg. according psychological theories, a lot of people’s behavior are formed by their childhood experiences which are mostly determined by their family of origin.
TS3
Even some of their behaviors shaped by other forces, to a great extent of their life, people are able to behave at their own volition.
eg. a lot of people who experienced emotional damage through their parents’ marriage failure would be able to maintain their own healthy relationship.

tesolchinaUID：2191404

dingka 发表于 2015-5-7 15:17
这两天为了冲刺，过了一遍issue的题目，用的是新东方张雷冬的书，这本书给每一个issue和argument都提供了一 ...

其实issue的每道题我都和版友讨论过 你可以在博客二楼找到一个链接  

比如66题在这里  

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1786263-1-1.html