Lily 的七月作文练习(借eestone帐号用下哈)

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
issue 70（13，46，102，112）

The statement argues that all university students must take other courses in addition to their major study. In order to cultivate a truely educated people, the university does have the responsibility to help students build up an all-round knowledge base for supplementary or enlightenment to their major field, good preparation for a clear-minded efficent social memeber. Although someone may argue that students have limited time to take a variety of courses outside of their major study, universites can set a reasonable minimum requirement for  the number of other courses taken to leave the flexibility to students as per their schedule.

as per their schedule不懂
truely
supplementary or enlightenment to their major field 不懂


The supplementary study in other courses might bring fresh ideas or even breakthough the students' development in their major field. Take Steve Jobs as an example, he took the course in calligraphy although his major was in computer science. It seems that what he could learn from calligraphy course has nothing to do with his major study at that moment, but the beauty of the art has unconsciously influenced his perception and turned out to be an important factor on his creation of brand-new IT products, which proves to be a big success. It is obvious that innovation need to make something new and different. To take some courses different from the major study might help student to broaden the horizon, more likely to trigger creative ideas.

Jobs在大学里没有major
http://www.latimes.com/nation/la ... 1111-007-photo.html
例子其实还可以 不过不要写一些不符合事实的内容
所以其实不用写名人的例子 这样很束手束脚  


Moverover, to take some courses such as history, culture or philosophy can help students better understand his or her social responsibilities and become a more efficient social member. (历史 文化 的学习 能 使 学生 更好 的 理解自己和其他民族的渊源 及 特性 ，以 包容 的心态 对待 种族 差异 ，避免种族 歧视，建设 一个 更 为 和谐的社会 ）

social member这里用citizen比较好  
这个point不错  


Admittedly, it will take some of students' limited time and efforts to join other courses. To avoid the overloaded study, the university should set up the minimum requirement of other courses taken with good orientation. (过多的 选修课 的确 可能 带来 本末倒置的 结果 ，尤其 是学生能力差异 大不同 ，学校 可以设定 一个指导性 的 最低标准 ，给 学生更多 自由 安排的 空间 或许 更 有效 ）

关于address challenge 要有适当的句型和动作
要首先提出可能的challenge 然后再address  
你这里的动作不明显

dingkaUID: 2453299

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-28 00:11
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's f ...

楼上你好，我来点评下你的文章，深夜里脑子也不清楚了，觉得你写的很好呀，不过有几个typo。

只是第二段我觉得是否有点偏？主题句是不是可以直接说多学科学习能够让学生更全面的了解社会，然后展开的时候再举历史，哲学作为例子？

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
issue 70（13，46，102，112）

The statement argues that all university students must take other courses in addition to their major study. In order to cultivate a truely educated people, the university does have the responsibility to help students build up an all-round knowledge base for supplementary or enlightenment to their major field, good preparation for a clear-minded efficent social memeber. Although someone may argue that students have limited time to take a variety of courses outside of their major study, universites can set a reasonable minimum requirement for  the number of other courses taken to leave the flexibility to students as per their schedule.

The supplementary study in other courses might bring fresh ideas or even breakthough the students' development in their major field. Take Steve Jobs as an example, he took the course in calligraphy although his major was in computer science. It seems that what he could learn from calligraphy course has nothing to do with his major study at that moment, but the beauty of the art has unconsciously influenced his perception and turned out to be an important factor on his creation of brand-new IT products, which proves to be a big success. It is obvious that innovation need to make something new and different. To take some courses different from the major study might help student to broaden the horizon, more likely to trigger creative ideas.

Moverover, to take some courses such as history, culture or philosophy can help students better understand his or her social responsibilities and become a more efficient social member. (历史 文化 的学习 能 使 学生 更好 的 理解自己和其他民族的渊源 及 特性 ，以 包容 的心态 对待 种族 差异 ，避免种族 歧视，建设 一个 更 为 和谐的社会 ）

Admittedly, it will take some of students' limited time and efforts to join other courses. To avoid the overloaded study, the university should set up the minimum requirement of other courses taken with good orientation. (过多的 选修课 的确 可能 带来 本末倒置的 结果 ，尤其 是学生能力差异 大不同 ，学校 可以设定 一个指导性 的 最低标准 ，给 学生更多 自由 安排的 空间 或许 更 有效 ）

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-28 00:11
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's fie ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.  We have no idea whether there is any change of the typical diving commuter between the two surveys. Maybe the driving commuters interviewed in the two surveys have different working shifts or the distance from their home to the workplace is so different. Maybe the commercial center or the plant where they used to drive to has been moved to the remote area due to the recent municiple works. Withou those information, we can not say that the longer time spent on the driving to the work is due to the traffic jam. we have to study more details about the survey to rule out other factors that enduces the longer time spent on the driving.


interviewed 这里不是访谈
working shifts ？
the recent municiple works？
factors that enduces ？


In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.  We need to know whether the people interviewed in Garville can represent the feeling of all the people there. If the interviewed people are only a small portion, we need to get more data to validate whether the conclusion can stand or not. As for the reduced pollution, we need to investigate whether there is any other factor.Maybe the government has imposed stricter environment policy on the chemical plants whichcan also make the pollution drop. Since the people living in Waymarsh can be very different from the people in Garville, the reward for free gas coupon might be not equally attractive to them. They might hold that sharing the ride will intrude on their privacy. Hence, we have to collect more evidence to clarify the possibilities mentioned above to ensure the policy implemented in Garville will be equally efficient in Waymarch.

这段写的不错



Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. As the arguer mentioned that it is not recommended to build the new roads due to the expensiveness, he didn't give the estimated number of the expense. If that expense is much more than the reward of free gas, the recommended policy can not be a good idea either. Therefore, we need to get more data to prove whether the constuction project is really consuming or not.


due to the expensiveness？
consuming or not？
这段不行  没有展开


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-28 20:23
71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is b ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-28 00:11
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's fie ...

觉得老师一一切中我的要害，太牛了！ 赞
老师提出来的问题都是我纠结但又没招的地方，我会利用接下来的一周，好好总结，学习老师的处理方法。
非常感谢老师的时间和点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

Issue 7: Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

Art, a production of human creativity coveying certain ideas or feeling, seems not something necessary to the people as food or clothing. Without stable finanical support,  it will be very hard to have the art blossom. Since the art is the core of human spirit, there arises the debate that whether we need the government funding to ensure the arts to flourish and available to all the people or we don't need the government funding which could threaten the integrity of the arts. In my view, the government funding of the arts can help artists focus on the work of arts to bring more masterpieces without worrying about finanical problems. Besides, the government funding to the art museums, art education or activities can make art widely available to the public. Admittedly, someone may argue that the funding given by the government may threaten the integrity of the arts, more or less with its preference involved. To address that concern, it's better for the government to allocate the the funding to an independent art council, without direct involvement.

对于艺术的问题 用英语来讨论是很吃力不讨好的 因此我建议开头引言可以写简单一些 别给自己找麻烦  考场上只有30分钟
后面的主旨句还是挺不错的  很清晰 感觉把In my view前面的内容砍掉也不影响这段


In the first place, the government funding plays a vital role in finanically sustaining the living of artists, allowing them to make more contributions to the blossom of arts. Without their prolific creative production, it will be impossible to see the flourish of arts.Take the U.S. federal art project as an example, 断句the government funding supported many artists to go through the Depression in 1930s and more importantly encouraged more works of creation with enough financial support. During that economy recession,  there hardly existed the market for pieces of arts even created by eminent artists. Without the government funding, no artist can continue the creation if he has to eke out his living. Therefore, the government funding is seen as a must to ensure the arts can flourish with artists' full dedication.  


sustaining the living 搭配
economy recession表达 请往句子加油站
if he has to eke out his living这里用原因从句是不是好些
我觉得你的without用的不错 从反面讲 更容易突出某件事的重要性
不过这段似乎没有讲available for the public 这也是题目的关键词之一  




Additionally, with the government funding to the art museums, education and activities, the public can have more chance to get access to the arts. Since the art is normally seen as a kind of relatively high expense only available to the people who can afford it, the government funding can help to remove the financial threshold and make it available to all the people regardless their financial status. For example, with the culture policy carried out by France government since 1959, the government funding has built up many art museums , given financial support to the education in art , and sponsored a variety of public events in art, aiming to make arts available to all the people. Nowdays, no one will deny that France has become one of the most important center of the arts in the world, attractng many people to embrace the arts there. We can see that the government funding does have a big impact on the wide spread of the arts.

好吧 你是这段重点讲 available for the public 也不错 借用题目的框架来成文  

the art is normally seen as a kind of relatively high expense
art - expense  搭配  
remove the financial threshold搭配  hurdle?obstacle?

France government - French?
例子里面提到艺术教育 和前面的point关联不紧密 艺术教育可以是针对培养艺术家 从艺术作品的供应来讲 也可以是培养大众的欣赏能力 后者和题目的关联建立起来比较复杂 你得说available和accessible的关系  
  
wide spread of the arts - wide distribution/ dissemination of art works

Admittedly, the government funding, more or less, might threathen the integrity of the arts, with its predominant ideology behind. Someone might argue that kind of authority in power might show certain preference or even imply some direction in the works of arts, which could restict the diversity of arts or impact the freedom of individual express. To address that concern, it is suggested to set up an independent arts council which can regularly receive the government funding while lend the financial support to artists or programs under the peer review. By doing that, we can limit the influence of the government to the minimum level and give more room to the diversity of arts creation.

with its predominant ideology behind？ with its interest in propagating its ideology and political agenda
imply some direction- ?
impact (restrict?) the freedom of individual express(ion)
it is suggested to  (who?)   
under the peer review (how?)  



In sum, given the importance of flourish, wide spread as well as the integrity of arts, it is necessary for the government to give  the financial support to the arts but better though independent arts council without direct impact.


框架思路都ok  中间段的展开和句子表达还有较多的问题 当然我是以比较高的要求来评的
考场上如能写成这样应该已经不错

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-6-2 01:02
Issue 7: Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the art ...

已点评~~~

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

ee_stone 发表于 2015-6-2 01:02
Issue 7: Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the art ...

依照互改小组的要求，来点评楼主的文章。主要因为我本身作文就是个硬伤（不管是中文，还是英文），给楼主点评真的有点水平不够。希望楼主不要介意。
1. 对于开头，楼主谈到了“艺术怎么样……”，但我觉得文章的主体应该是“政府”，所以比较倾向王老师的说法，不要谈艺术。开宗明义会比较好。
2. 断句的问题，我以前也一直被说。后来改过来了，一般来说，句子完整了，我就加句号，若后面一句有and, 我就在and前面加个逗号 （XXXX，and XXX）。觉得句子完整，但后面还有同样意思的，表示并列的就用分号“；”
3. 我记得我以前的写作老师跟我有说过，一般来说 学术型文章 不用 “very”。这样写有些口语化，可以用程度更深的词替代。

PS：楼主的写作逻辑挺好的。谢谢你的习作。

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

补交 昨天的作业，多谢 老师 的耐心

小结 ：
尽了最大　努力　，还是　花了　３８分钟　写完全文　。又花了１０分钟修改了　下。
前期准备　：按照　老师建议　，花了将近　一个小时理清思路　，学习　老师的推理技巧　
开始　动笔　：第一段花了将近　１０分钟　，感觉自己还是比较生疏，写起来不是行云流水
后面开始飞起来的写，虽然边写边纠结表达对不对，拼写有么有错。。。
２８分钟时，中间段的最后一个主题句刚写完，开始有点心慌，思路有些打乱。于是又消极的写了１０分钟。

Argument 1
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
As per this argument, the arguer stated that the previously so-called Palean basket was not uniquely Palean as it was also found in another village.	概括论证
Since the arguer believed the boat which was not found was the only way to transport the basket across the river between these two villages, it was inferred that Lithos people can also make the same king of basket.	解释原题的推理	感觉为了节约时间可以不写这个
However, to validate this argument, we need more specific evidence about the features of the Brim River, ways of transporting the baskets across the river and the existence of the boats.	主旨句
To begin with, we need more information to validate whether the Brim River has always been that broad and deep as it is.	主题句		validate选词
Maybe in the age of Palean and Lithos, there was no river at all between them and then the area has gone through some transforming geological changes which formed the Brim River.	提出其他可能性
Or maybe the Brim River used to be a brook, very shallow and narrow, and people can just walk or swim across it.	提出其他可能性
There could also be some climatic factors which can make the river dried   up in the summer or frozen in the winter, during which period people can also go across the river very easily.	提出其他可能性		make the river dried 动词形式
Without these information, we can not infer that the Brim River is always as it is.		这里的小结最好能和题目的结论联系更紧一些
Additionally, we need more evidence to prove that the boat is the only to transport the basket from Palean to Lithos.			the only to transport 句子结构
We have to investigate whether there are any other possibilties.
Maybe people in the age of Palean have already mastered the technolgy to build the bridge across the river, but the bridge might be destroyed by the flood or the material of the bridge was rotten and failed to survive the time.
We have to check whether there is any record of the existence of bridge in the ancient time to rule out that possibility.
Or maybe the basket itself could float down the river reaching the Lithos.
It might be lost or dumped by Palean people by accident and floated to Lithos with the help of the wave.
Without the above mentioned information, we have no idea whether the boat is the only way to transport the basket.
Moreover, in assuming the boat is the only way to transport the basket across the river, the arguer still needs to prove whether the absence of the boat can necessarily infer that there was no boat in the ancient time.
We have no idea whether the people of that age could buid the boat by some material that can not survive the time, say, animal leather or bamboo.
Or maybe there was a third remote village along the river where people had the boat and did the goods trading by boat among the three villages.		这个点感觉不是很靠谱 还是存在一个过河的问题
It might be those people who brought the basket from Palean to Lithos during the trading but stored the boats in their village, which was quite far from Palean and Lithos.
Without excluding these possibilities, we could not conclude that there never existed the boat when the boat was not found the area nearby.
In conclusion, we have to collect more evidence to rule out any other possibilties.		这里用rule out这个短语是不太好的 因为你这样就假设原论证的结论是错的
Otherwise, we can't make the conclusion based on the given features of the river, the absence of the boat neaby and the only way to transport the baskets by boat.		你的立场要更客观一些

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

弱弱地先写了提纲，等老师鉴定之后，再限时写　。。。



Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
      
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

It is widely agreed that men are born to be equal. Then there comes the question why there are leaders who are given the superior power over the majority. Is it because of the demand placed on them or else ? In my view, leaders are created because of their superior capability in communication or presenting skills, profound knowledge and rich experience, as well as their willingness to take the responsibility to ensure the efficent and orderly progress in different fields of the society.

In the political and business world, only those who can prove their outstanding capability in communication or presenting skills can be elected as leaders. 举例 总统竞选中很重要 的 一部分是 竞选演讲 和 辩论，商界领袖的路演，以及和内部管理的 沟通 技巧等

In the field of academic, the technical leader must have profound knowledge and rich experience to lead the team to solve the problem and achieve the breakthrough. 举例 学术界的领袖 必须 有 丰富的 经验预先规避 很多可能会 失败 的实验方案，利用深厚的 学术功底对问题 提出独到的见解 等 。

However, someone may argue that the leaders are created by the demands placed on them if we trace it back to the origin of leaders as per the record of the bible. But if they are the people who are not willing to take the responsibilty to response to the demand, they can't be leaders. 举例 圣经记载，摩西是被 上帝要求 作为 以色列人的 领袖，带领 以色列出埃及。如圣经 所记录，他是 口吃，又没有什么经验。但是他愿意承担这个责任，学习如何成为一个 优秀的 领袖。

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

tmdxlp 发表于 2015-6-2 12:29
依照互改小组的要求，来点评楼主的文章。主要因为我本身作文就是个硬伤（不管是中文，还是英文），给楼主 ...

谢谢你的点评和分享。同加油　

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

加班搞得脑子很累，感觉写的不是很好，但真的是尽力了。谢谢老师的指导。
写了38分钟，主要耽误在第三个论点，有点写不下去了。

Arguement 14/118:
The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
In the arguement, the arguer suggested to hire people who need less sleep to bring the prosperity of the business , based on the survey results of 300 Mentian advertising executives.			suggest to 表达
However,  there are many assumptions about the driving force of the business success, the application of success pattern in one field of business to all other fields, as well as the the relationship between employees' performance and need of sleep.
We need to examine these assumptions to decide whether they can be warranted or not.	they- the argument		they指代不清
To begin with, the arguer assumes that the higher profit margins and faster growth of the business were contributed by executives who could sleep less than 6 hours.	修改：the arguer assumes those executives who could sleep less are more likely to bring about higher profit margins and faster growth of the business	这个归因有问题  应该是成功由于需要睡得少 主题句表达
However, there could be many other factors driving the business success.
Maybe those firms have met very generous customers who are willing to pay more money on the advertisement.
Or maybe they have won several big cases from the bidding due to their brilliant ideas and outstanding plans, which brought the high revenue of the year.
Maybe those who have the faster business growth might come from small or even new firms which are at the fastest growth point as per the life cycle of business.
Without these information, we can't warrant the assumption that the secret of the businnes success is the  less sleep needed by the executives.			Without these information不够具体 Without further information related to these issues
Additionally, the arguer assumes that this kind of success pattern can be applied to any other business.	老师 ，是不是改成： success model can be replicated ?		success pattern can be applied 搭配
But we have no idea why employees with less sleep can drive the success in advertising business.
Maybe employees who sleep less are more likely to be creative and more productive to work out the perfect plan, especially at night.
Or maybe the business deal is more likely to get during the dinner or party at night.
If that is case, the success pattern can't be applied to heavy industry such as energy or chemical company.			问题同上 感觉这个问题还是挺严重的
Employees in those business should avoid working at night to reduce the accidents and strictly follow the working instructions.
Without detailed study of the causal relationship between the less sleep with the business success, we can not prove whether the assumption can stand or not.			we can not prove- we do not know
Moreover, the arguer concludes that the business should hire people who need less sleep at night, assuming that all those who can sleep less will be as efficient and successful as those executives.
Maybe some people who need less sleep are slower in thinking and responding, or even have some health problem.
In that case, those people can not deliver high-performance work as expected.
Or maybe those people who need sleep less at night are not willing to work as hard as those executives.
They might be fans of night party or night movies.
If so, those people can't be expected to make full dedication to the business.
Hence, we need to study more details to decide whether the assumption can be warranted or not.
In conclusion, we need more information about the driving force of the advertising firm's success, the application of that success pattern to other business fields, as well as the relationship between employees' performance and need of sleep.
Otherwise, we can't decide whether the assumption made by the arguer can stand or not.

总的来说写得还不错

你可以自己尝试总结一下各段每句话的动作

sokillerUID: 3446082

ee_stone 发表于 2015-6-5 00:19
加班搞得脑子很累，感觉写的不是很好，但真的是尽力了。谢谢老师的指导。
写了38分钟，主要耽误在第三个论 ...

-头两个分论点的非常清楚 思路也很清晰，只是第三分论点，我有一个不同的出发点，我是单纯的落在only上 不过 我觉得你的这个说法也很对 可以探讨一下less sleeping的不利的地方

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-6-5 00:19
加班搞得脑子很累，感觉写的不是很好，但真的是尽力了。谢谢老师的指导。
写了38分钟，主要耽误在第三个论 ...

辛苦老师 特地帮我 建这个 表格 ，很清楚 。再次感谢！