Lily 的七月作文练习(借eestone帐号用下哈)

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

英语教育背景
N年前拿的英语专业八级，高级口译

7月5日 考G 一战

授权声明

本人为寄托ID：ee_stone的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。



2楼 Argument 4 （已点评）

3楼 Argument 4 (已改）
4楼 Issue 28，94，113，120，121，127，145，147（初稿）

7楼Issue 15 （提纲，已点评）

16楼 Argument 71 (按老师提纲练习）

25楼 Argument 1 （已点评）

28 楼 Arguement 14 (已点评）

32 楼 issue 113 (已点评）

33楼 Argument 78 ( 已点评）

35楼 Issue 33（已点评）

37楼 Argument 28（已点评）

38楼 issue 65（未点评）

39楼 argument 15（点评）

40楼 issue 122（已点评）
41楼 argument 84 (未点评）

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Argument 4：
The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town—Adams Realty and Fitch Realty—Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

正文 ：
The arguer asserts that Adams Realty, the real estate firm, is obviously superior to Fitch Realty based on the certain statistics about the number of agents and the number of full-time employers belonging to the real estate firms, 断句the total revenue and the averaged house price transacted by the firms last year, as well as the arguer's personal experience with the two firms in selling the house. However, we need to examine the assumptions, stated or unstated, to lend more support to the argument.


To begin with, the arguer contends that the superior Adams Realty has more real estate agents and more full-time employees than Fitch Realty. Here lies the assumption that the number of agents and the number of working hours are in direct correlation with the quality and performance of the real estate firms. The arguer takes it for granted that the larger firm must be more efficient than the little one, and only the full-time employees are reliable to deliver better results. However, the small firm might  be more efficient with simpler organization, more flexible and faster in response to the market demand. Besides, there is no mention of the exact number of the part-time employees working for the Fitch Realty. If that number is larger enough to make  the shifts covering the normal working hours, it might contribute to a strong working force , more flexible than the Adams Realty.

only the full-time employees are reliable 改写 only  
to make  the shifts covering the normal working hours 表达


The arguer also assumes the single year's performance in the total revenue and averaged price of the transacted house to be the regular performance of the two firms, which can't stand as it is. Normally, we need to look back for at least three years' performance in the total revenue to exclude some aberrant factors. And we also need to know the average number of house sold per agent to verify whether the higher performance is due to more agents or more effectiveness. As there is no mention of the specific markets of the two firms, we have no idea whether the Adams Realty is targeting more denser area with higher turnover in home-ownership or more desired house such as school district housing . Without these information provided, the assumption for the equation between the total revenue with the firm's performance is not warranted.

the single year's performance in the total revenue and averaged price of the transacted house to be the regular performance 改写
用to reflect or to predict  

这段涉及的issue有点多 前面的assumption到后面就不是讲这个了  



Additionally, the arguer mentions that Adams Realty sells faster than Fitch Realty by citing his or her personal experience with these two firms by assuming there is no difference between the sell of the two properties across the time lag of ten years. However, there are many factors that might impact the speed of property transaction, such as the location, the age of property, the decoration as well as the market demand. Without these information, it can't be warranted whether it is because  of the firm's higher efficiency or the desirability of the property itself to make the transaction faster.

the sell of  语法
the decoration？  




In conclusion, the argument needs more information such as the number of working force per hour, the house sales per agent, and the desirability of the house property to prove the assumption more tenable and convincing.

总的来说基本的框架和语言都不错。
具体到中间段每段的切入点的选取以及集中讨论这个点，还做得不够。
这是我写的 可以对比参考一下

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=17#pid1779367650

句子的问题请往句子加油站订正

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-21 06:54
Argument 4：
The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading  ...

谢谢王老师指点 ，句子改正已经放到加油站了 。这里 主要 针对 中间段的切入点讨论做修改，红色部分是改过的。谢谢

修改稿 （红色部分）：

Argument 4：
The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town—Adams Realty and Fitch Realty—Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

正文 ：
The arguer asserts that Adams Realty, the real estate firm, is obviously superior to Fitch Realty based on some data such as how many agents and full-time employees the firm has, and how much the total revenue and the averaged house price the firm has achieved last year. The arguer has also cited his personal experience with the two firms in selling his own house to support his preference. However, there are some assumptions, stated or unstated, in need of further examination to prove their validity.


To begin with, the arguer contends that the superior Adams Realty has more real estate agents and more full-time employees than Fitch Realty. It is assumed that the larger the firm is, the better service it can offer. The arguer directly equals the size of the firm to the level of efficiency, assuming the full-time employees must be more dedicated and reliable than part-time employees. However, it might not be the case if the part-time employees hired by Fitch are proficient people with good social network who can make the deal at least time, while the larger number of full-time employees of the Adams Realty could be greenhands who need more time on the similar case. The point is not the number of the agents or full-time employees but the service quality provided by the firm. The arguer needs to provide more information to support this.


The arguer also assumes that the total revenue and averaged price of the transacted house achieved in a single year can represent the regular performance of the two firms, which needs to be validated with more information provided. Since the higher total revenue could also be achieved with much more houses transacted at lower selling price, and the higher average price of the transacted house might be due to one or two extremely high price transacted. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide at least two more consecutive years' performance to exclude some aberrant factors. The most convincing point is to prove that Adams Realty can sell the same type of house at higher price. Otherwise, the assumption for the equation between the total revenue with the firm's performance is not warranted.


Additionally, the arguer mentions that Adams Realty sells faster than Fitch Realty by citing his personal experience with these two firms in selling his own home. When the arguer compares these two cases, he assumes there is no change of the property market in the past ten years nor any difference between his two properties. However, there could be many factors impacting the speed of property transaction, such as the demand of the property market, the different location of the house, the age of the house , or the neighbourhood where the house sits.Without these information, it can't be warranted whether it is because  of the firm's higher efficiency or the desirability of the property itself to make the transaction faster.



In conclusion, the argument needs more information such as the working efficiency of the employees, the average price of the transacted house with standard deviation, and the desirability of the house property to prove the assumption more tenable and convincing.

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

超时写的全文 ，已经自己修改过一次，求指教


Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.
相关题目：28，94，113，120，121，127，145，147


What makes a great nation ? The statement claims that the surest indicator is not the achievements of its rulers, artists or scientists , but the welfare of all its people. In my view, a great nation should have the ability to exert its influence on a global scale and play an important role in the progress of human society and civilization. From this perspective, the surest indicator should be the achievements of its rulers, artists or scientists. While the welfare provides the minimal level of well-being 搭配 and social support to the people within that nation, it could be seen as the indicatior of good quality of life but not necessarily a great nation since it is only related to its people rather than the whole human being.

a great nation should have the ability 这句话提出对greatness的标准 可以说得更明确一些 To measure the greatness of a nation, we have to assess its ability to ...

the whole human being (the mankind)


1+3模型的要旨在于主旨句要对后面的主题句进行某种概括；读者读完第一段应该已经知道全文的框架与脉络。而中间三段的主题句分别回应主旨句的某个点。目前来看，你并没有做到这一点。


Obviously, the nation regarded as a great one by the world can't be like that 改写 without the incomparable achievements made by it's (its) political leaders. As one of the greatest political leader in the history, Winston Churchill, the (previous删） prime minister of UK during the war time, instilled the people the drive to fight and built up strong alliance to expedite the end of the war. Few will deny the great achievements made by him during the war. After the world war II, the world organization Unite Nations was set up also propelled by Churchill. The United Kingdom, as one of the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council,  firmed its position as a great power to exerts its influence in the world affair.From this perspective, the achievements of it's political leader is definitely an indicator of a great nation.


also propelled by Churchill- thanks to the vision and diplomatic efforts of Churchill

firmed its position

感觉主题句要改一下

In order to exert influence to the world, especially during important historical events, it is important for a nation to have great political leaders whose achievement would shape the world history at crucial points in time.  
主题句的目的是承上启下 对上要回应主旨句及开头段提到的标准 对下要方便引出例子  高度概括例子所要说明和支持的观点

Not only the achievements of the political leader but also the groundbreaking technology innovation done by scientists can be an indicator of a great nation. America has been seen as a great nation in the modern history for the countless technology innovation made by its talented scientists , unprecedentedly transforming the life of the human being. The innovation of light bulb by Thomas Edison has maximally freed people from the darkness to allow longer time spent in social production as well as in human activities.  The air plane invented by Wrought Brothers made the transportation across the world faster more convenient than ever, which brought people to the higher level of understanding the society with increasing cross-cultural interface.  The creation of car, household refrigerator and TV has created the new way of living. Especially the invention of computer which has made America the leader entering the information age. All these great achievements made by scientists can be the indicator of a great nation.

这里的过渡有些生硬 句型有问题

In addition to ...
或者一个also就ok
innovation --> invention
social production as well as in human (leisure)  activities
感觉一个灯泡就够写一段了 要强调的是achievement of scientists 到后面就看不到scientist的影子了  
这段例子太多 但都没有深入讨论  
可能中间段展开方面还要加强训练


In contrast, the nation who is known for its high-standard welfare system is not necessarily positioned as a great nation. In spite of offering well-established medical system,  magnanimous subsidy to the disabled or unemployed, reliable public health insurance or any other public aid to the needed, the  country such as Sweden or Swiss can make little contribution to the progress of human society. Since the welfare depends on the high tax rate for capital support, less money can be invested in the research or expanding production. Though the high tax rate can shorten the gap of wealth , it also partially impair the spirit of enterprising for the people. The fact that the voice of those countries is seldom heard on the world stage can prove the welfare is not the surest indicator of a great nation.

who is 可以去掉
shorten the gap (narrow the gap)
can prove- may suggest


In summary, by defining the great nation as the one exerting considerable influence in the human history and world affair, the surest indicator should be the achievements of rulers, artists and scientists.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-21 23:42
谢谢王老师指点 ，句子改正已经放到加油站了 。这里 主要 针对 中间段的切入点讨论做修改，红色部分是改过 ...

说实话 改argument有点费神 我得重新看题目 如果可能的话 请你自己对比一下我写的这篇 看看切入点是否吻合 然后每段开头注明一下这段主要对应哪一部分argument  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-21 23:53
超时写的全文 ，已经自己修改过一次，求指教

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

The statement suggests that the educational institutions should play an active role in movtivating their students to study the major which can help them to get a high salary job after graduation. In my view, whether this recommendation can lead to a success for the students depends on what purpose they come to study for. For the students who have a keen interest in certian field of study and can afford the study with sufficient financial support from their families, the institution should respect their choice (even if ... no lucrative career). For students who have a strong desire to serve for the people and even their family can't afford it, the institution can help them to get correspondent scholarship offered by the government or the fund to support their ideal.   While for the students who have to pay the tuition fee via student loan program, the insitituion should help them to understand the priority to study the field that leads to a lucrative career to ensure they can pay the loan back.


serve for the people  这里指的什么  我在想很多国家师范院校和军校都是免学费的 你可以用这个做例子



As one of the purposes for the education is to seek the personal fulfillment and fulfill the curiosity in certain field of study, as long as the students can afford the tuition fee, the institution should respect their choice and provide them enough resource to seek their dream. 举例文学，哲学，对真理 ，对生命 的 意义的追求 ，虽然都 很 有可能一毕业 就 失业 的 专业，但只要 学生 的 家庭 负担 的 起， 学校就 应该 支持，因为 这 也是 教育 的 重要目的 之一

这里可以补充一句就是这些专业学出来其实也可以找到不同的工作 甚至包括投行这种lucrative career  

For students who hold the great ideal to serve for the people and for the nation by studying the fields such as social work, or early education program, though leading to quite low wage jobs, the instituion should fully support their decision. As our society do need these jobs, there are many finanical aids offered by the government or some funds to encourage more students to join  those valuable though not lucrative careers. 举例 社工 和 初等教育 工作 者的确 工资 低，但对 社会 贡献 重大，很多 国家 也 都 提供这些 学科的 助学金。 所以学校 对于 这些有爱心有奉献 精神 的 学生更 要 鼓励，培养 对 社会 有 用的人 也是教育的 目的之一 。

正如上面所说 可以讲教师和军人  



For students who can't afford the tuition fee and even need to graduate to financially support their family, the instituion should recommend them to choose the major which can help them to find a lucrative job after graduation. This is also one of the education's purpose to help people make a better living for their family and get rid of the poverty. 举例对于 贫困 家庭出身的 孩子 ，教育是 改变其 家庭困境的 唯一 途径 。所以对于 这样 的学生 ，学校 应该 帮助 他们 选择 可以 毕业后 就 有 不错 就业 的 专业 ，让 他们 不仅 能 够尽快还贷，等 赚够钱 后 ，可以 继续 追求 自己 当初的 梦想


这里要回应题目关于挑战的要求  
可以就用这个点 但是要调整一下


All in all, the educational institutions should help the students clearly understand why they come to study and then offer the correspondent support to help them to fulfill the purpose of education.

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-21 23:53
超时写的全文 ，已经自己修改过一次，求指教

谢谢老师 的点评，我 又认真的 研究 了1+3的模式 ，可惜改好的 部分突然被我 Cut的时候弄丢 了。今天实在太晚了，我明天会补上 。再次感谢王 老师的 启发 。

晹城UID: 3586536

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-25 23:31
15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that ...

开头段

movtivating their students to study the major which can help them to get a high salary job after graduation.

很小的一点问题，是不是应该是酱紫啊？ a high-salary job

For students who have a strong desire to serve for the people and even their family can't afford it, the institution can help them to get correspondent scholarship offered by the government or the fund to support their ideal.  

关于这个只是我个人观点，也许是理解题目的角度不同：感觉讨论的重点应该放在 institutions 是否应该鼓励学生在收入丰厚的学科发展，感觉这句不是特别直接地回应。
其实是这一句表达的观点不是特别清晰，看了后面那一段的展开就理解了，而且这个观点感觉比较中国化。不过这个分类思路确实很新。前面后面两个点都挺好的。

第一个分论点（文章第二段）

the institution should respect their choice and provide them enough resource to seek their dream.

这里seek their dream感觉如果换成pursue是不是会舒服一点。（我不太会用老师推荐的语料库，例子里面的crack jokes有时候查得到有时候查不到，所以不敢说这个表达是不是native）

最后一段

and then offer the correspondent support to help them to fulfill the purpose of education.

help them fulfill……  感觉我总是纠结于这些小的地方。。。

最后就是也没有提到challenge。这个是题目要求里面明确提到的，还是要写一下的。

（写个点评我都写了好久，给自己跪……希望能有一点用吧！）

刚刚看到你在群里说的，很不容易，真的很佩服！加油！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-25 23:31
15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 01:16
开头段很小的一点问题，是不是应该是酱紫啊？ a high-salary job

关于这个只是我个人观点，也许是理 ...

谢谢你给的点评，很受用，结合你的点评还有王老师的，我更清楚自己的问题了，很感谢你宝贵的时间， 也为你加油！

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-26 14:00
已点评

谢谢王老师点评，我的确忽略了“challenge"这点，会调整最后一段论点：
For students who can't afford the tuition fee and even need to graduate to financially support their family, it might be a good idea for the instituion to encourage them to study for a lucrative career, to help them get rid of the poverty. However, the major leading to lucrative career might change with the time against the fast speed of social progress. Students who follow the institution's recommendation might be jobless after graduation. 举例ＩＴ行业的变迁，泡沫之后，很多此专业毕业的学生就业难的问题

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

Argument 32/104/105/106/107

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

32: Assumption

In the above memo, the vice president recommends to reduce the three work shifts by one hour to ensure the enough sleep for the employees, maintaining that it can reduce the on-the-job accidents and also increase productivity by taking that practice. However, there are many assumptions in need of validation, such as the comparison with fewer accidents in another plant, the causal relationship between fatigueness and on-the-job accidents claimed by the experts, as well as the result of the reduced working hours.

taking that practice- measure

the comparison with fewer accidents in another plant这个不算assumption 前面用such as 有问题

the result of the reduced working hours.？ consequence?


The arguer mentions that the Quiot Manufacturing has 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than the Panoply Industries plant because of shorter working hours, assuming that fewer accidents is contributed by less working hours. However, there could be many other factors leading to the fewer accidents. ( smaller size, better production equipment, sufficient safety training, etc.)

fewer accidents is contributed by less working hours - contribute 选词


Moreover, the arguer also cites the statement from the expert claiming that many on-the-job accidents are mainly induced by fatigueness and insufficient sleep of the workers, 断句 assuming that once the workers can get enough sleep , there will be no accidents. The arguer overlooks many other factors which could also induce accidents ( poor safety awareness, lack of supervison, problems with the machine, etc.)

这段没有指出assumption



Additionally, the arguer assumes that once they reduce the working hours,  employees will have more time to sleep. However, there could be many other ways for the workers to spend that one more hour ( more entertaining activities at night such as late-night parties, all-night movies, or moon-light jobs), which will not change the time of sleep before and after.

ok

感觉你的切入点找得还不错
就是具体的表达上还要调整
assumption的题目每段开头必须提assumption




104 : Explanation
待续
105: Evidence

106/167: Questions

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-26 23:56
Argument 32/104/105/106/107

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufa ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-5-26 23:56
Argument 32/104/105/106/107

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufa ...

谢谢王老师的点评，每次都让我清醒了些，

Argument 32/104/105/106/107

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

32: Assumption (修改稿）

In the above memo, the vice president recommends to reduce the three work shifts by one hour to ensure the enough sleep for the employees, maintaining that it can reduce the on-the-job accidents and also increase productivity by doing so. However, there are some assumptions in need of validation, the relationship between fewer accidents in another plant and its shorter working hours, the cause and effect between fatigueness and on-the-job accidents, as well as the consequence of the reduced working hours.


The arguer mentions that the Quiot Manufacturing has 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than the Panoply Industries plant because of shorter working hours, assuming that fewer accidents is because of less working hours. However, there could be many other factors leading to the fewer accidents. ( smaller size, better production equipment, sufficient safety training, etc.)

Moreover, the arguer also assumes that the accidents in Quiot Manufacturing must be caused by fatigueness as per the statement claimed by the expert. The arguer overlooks many other factors which could also induce accidents ( poor safety awareness, lack of supervison, problems with the machine, etc.)

Additionally, the arguer assumes that once they reduce the working hours,  employees will have more time to sleep. However, there could be many other ways for the workers to spend that one more hour ( more entertaining activities at night such as late-night parties, all-night movies, or moon-light jobs), which will not change the time of sleep before and after.