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[习作点评] 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [复制链接]

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-1 23:55:01 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-25 23:55
[0601同主题练习]Issue 7
7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to  ...

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-2 21:42:33 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-25 23:55
[0602 同主题练习] Argument 1
1)Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have ...

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发表于 2015-6-3 21:37:05 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-6 12:51 编辑

[0603 同主题练习] Issue 62
62)Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


总体思路是:
有些情况下是责任塑造了leader(political area, regime change)
有些情况下不是责任塑造了leader(Academic research)
多数情况下,责任是make a good leader的一部分,但仅是一部分,其他qualifications 也很重要

Demand, or the sense of responsibility, is a necessary quality to be a good leader. Whether leaders are made by demands, however, is determined by the specific situations. With regard of political situations, leaders could be created by demands from the society; While in research or academic circumstance, demands would not act as a key factor. Also, most of time, it is the quality other than responsibility that makes a good leader.

Demand, or the sense of responsibility, is a necessary quality to be a good leader.  这一开始就错了 demand和责任感是两码事  更不是什么quality
我觉得写这种句子是很不负责任的 完全都不知道自己在说啥  

academic circumstance搭配不对



To begin with, when we refer to political history and the time of regime changing, we will find that demands of people could make a great leader. For example, during 1930s, a time of the worldwide economic depression, people were facing unemployment and even hunger. Franklin D. Roosevelt, the president of the United States at that time, implemented his New Deal and therefore reduced the loss and improved the economic condition. It was people’s demand made him successful in bringing America out of the depression. Moreover, demands of people could also make a good leader when a nation is suffering from the regime changing. 1917 could be a tough time to Russia, as February Revolution, which involved two powers, left an unstable society for people. Lenin, who came back to Russia at that time, led the famous October Revolution and made the society more stable. It was the duty of serving the country that made him a great leader in the special time.

我觉得这段把罗斯福的例子讲清楚就很好了  
扯到列宁实在是自找麻烦  
感觉罗斯福这个例子还是可以的



regime changing你想说改朝换代么
你不会说某个意思的时候有两个选择
1. 不说,换一个别的意思
2. 说,自己瞎编或翻译

选第二个就呵呵了  




However, with regard to technology or academic situations, demands are often not the factor to make a good leader. For a research group in university, the one who lead the team must be professional and skillful in that area. Without the special experience and knowledge, a responsible leader in academic situation could not be convincing and would likely to fail the team. In this circumstance, demands that are placed on such a group leader served no purpose.

你对demand理解的错误 在这里又出现了  
瞎理解瞎定义题目中的关键概念后果很严重 会把一段本来不错的文字废掉




When we are asked about what makes a good leader, responsibility could often be one of the answers. However, there are many other qualifications that are vital for a good leader, such as integrity, emotion intelligence, vision as well as creativity. Imagine in a business company, a leader of great vision could make decisions that help the team profit most in the market, while a leader who is responsible but lack of insight could lead the team to a failure. In such circumstance, responsibility could be less important than many other qualities.

这段基本上没有例子了  
还有上面的问题-demand理解为责任



In conclusion, demands or duty did make a leader in political circumstance and during regime changing, while in other situations like research project, it could be of less importance. After all, in most situations, responsibility could only be a part of many qualities that create a leader.

还是很无奈地写了50分钟(之前只是想了思路和例子,没有列提纲,想看看完全从头开始写的用时)。
一开始觉得没有办法下笔,看了老师的范文后自己还是有些模糊。
卡的地方在举历史事件的例子上面,会有一些表达要想一下。后面两段也不顺利,写了主题句后就开始卡。
其实老师指出的理解错误我在写完之后有一点感觉到,demand和responsibility是两回事,但也没有很清楚。

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发表于 2015-6-4 13:48:19 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-6 17:25 编辑

[0604 同主题练习] Argument 14
14)A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论: A business should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night if they want to prosper.
论据1:A recent study, including 300 male and female advertising executives, showed a relationship between their sleep hours and the achievement of the firm.
论据2:The firms whose executives reported needing less than 6 hours’ sleep made higher profit margins and grew faster.

Para.2:generalisability
Para.3:少于6小时的睡眠并不是profit margin提高的原因,而只是其他原因(精力充沛、年龄不同)的表现
Para.4:调查结果可能不够真实,executives可能没有tell the truth


According to the argument, companies should hire employees who need no more than 6 hours’ sleep per night. This recommendation is based on a study that investigated 300 advertising executives and established a relationship between less sleep hours and higher profit margins as well as a faster growth. To evaluate this argument, we need to search for more evidence about the representativeness and the rationality of the study.

之前的写作指引有误  
这道题其实是问assumption或question  
如果你后面写3个point 这里的主旨句about后面也应该有三个短语  
而且这里的两个词感觉都不是很准确 representativeness and the rationality

Revised:
According to the argument, companies should hire employees who need no more than 6 hours’ sleep per night. This recommendation is based on a study investigated 300 advertising executives and established a relationship between less sleep hours and higher profit margins as well as a faster growth. A number of assumptions have been made about the generalisability of the survey result, the causality between the sleep hour of emplyees and the success of the companies, as well as the reliability of the reports. In order to assess the argument, we need to examine these assumptions carefully.


To begin with, we need to examine whether the advertising executives could represent all kinds of companies and people in all positions. Even though sleep hour in advertising firms may lead to a higher profit margin, it might mean different things to industry and manufacturing companies. For example, less hours of sleep may lead to a badly fatigue for workers in industry and thereby cause danger in producing. Moreover, we need to examine whether the situation of executives could represent other people. Less sleep could make employees in other position work at a lower efficiency and thus may reduce the productivity. In this circumstance, the argument could be weakened without a representative sample of study.

advertising executives could represent all kinds of companies and people表达有歧义  
it might mean different things这里的it指的是什么   
badly fatigue词性
the situation of executives could represent other people 搭配
  

Revised:
To begin with, the assumption that the survey results can be applied broadly may not hold true. In this survey, only the executives were taken into account. The absence of reports from employees at a lower level may lead to a less comprehensive survey result. Thus the report that less sleep means higher performance can not be applied to people in all positions. Moreover, even though less sleep hour of employees in advertising firms can lead to a higher performance, the result can not be applied to all of other industris.  For example, in manufacturing, sleep deprivation may lead to workers' fatigue and thereby cause accidents in producing. In this circumstance, the assumption the argument based on could not be reasonable.

To search for more evidence, we also need to look into the study itself. Less sleep hour might be only one of the characteristics, 断句 other qualities, however, might have more significant impact on the high productivity. Executives who are more energetic need less sleep time than others. It is because their vigor but not the less sleep that makes them successful. Also, people in their 50’s always need less sleep than younger people, who are less experienced in their job field and may perform not well as the elders. Without the evidence showing that the only thing these executives have in common is sleep hour, then the argument could also be strongly weakened.

你的主题句完全未能概括这段的内容  
It is because their vigor but not the less sleep that makes them successful.严重表达问题
感觉你这段没有中心
also前后的内容基本脱节  

我建议你先读范文 跟着范文的思路 严格按范文的步骤模仿写几篇 再尝试独立写

Revised:
Another assumption of the argument is that less sleep hour is the reason of the success of companies. However, it is easy to understant that less sleep hour might just be a characteristic of the executives from  successful companies. First is that they are vigorous to accomplish more tasks. And then, they sleep less. Or they just have plenty of work to do and therefore have less time to sleep. Under such circumstance, less sleep hour is obviously the result of the higher performance of executives, but not the reason.

Another piece of evidence we need is the actual reason for the firms to make higher profit margins and grow faster. Smaller companies which were established a few years ago might grow faster than those had been run for decades. To support the claim, we must find the evidence showing that the sample firms that are taken into the study have relatively similar background. Otherwise, the reason of growing faster might be the period of development but not the employees’ sleep hour.
这一段主题句写的不合适,我再想想
Revised:
Finally, we need to examine that whether the subjects in the survey were telling the truth. While it may be true that executives in successful companies have heavier work to do, it is still possible that they have reported less sleeping time deliberately, just in order to show their hard working and impress others. Without further data to verify the reliability of the survey results, we could not apply this finding in hiring processes.

In conclusion, the claim saying that companies should hire people who need less than 6 hours’ sleep in order to make a higher profit and grow faster could be rife of holes. Assumptions about the generalisability and reliability of the study as well as causality between sleep hour and company achievement should be examined to evaluate this argument.

超时超时,,45分钟,总算是比前几天少了那么一丢丢。不过写完后有一点修改。
大概最明显的不合理的地方就是“少于6小时的睡眠并不是profit margin提高的原因,而只是其他原因(精力充沛、年龄不同)的表现”, 居然一开始都没想到 →_→

另外我还查了下profit margin和profit,前者定义是net profit/revenue,那可不可以说造成profit margin高的原因是雇佣成本低……但感觉这个点不靠谱呐。

如果你去看看我写的 就会觉得 根本不用想这么刁钻的点  

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发表于 2015-6-4 16:42:37 |显示全部楼层
膜拜了lz大作,先赞一个。
就感觉rationality of the study是不是太宽泛了,第一段是否应该列举下面三段每段的主旨,比如rationality其实是指the relation between sleep and performance and the reason of a firm's success?
个人拙见,仅供参考。

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-4 17:22:07 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-4 13:48
14)A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average ...

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-4 17:23:35 |显示全部楼层
sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-4 16:42
膜拜了lz大作,先赞一个。
就感觉rationality of the study是不是太宽泛了,第一段是否应该列举下面三段每 ...

你没看出来他的写作指引不对么

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发表于 2015-6-4 17:57:41 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-4 17:23
你没看出来他的写作指引不对么

没有,刚开始接触argument,是指每一段主题句都必须包含题目的写作指引词吗?

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发表于 2015-6-4 19:10:55 |显示全部楼层
sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-4 17:57
没有,刚开始接触argument,是指每一段主题句都必须包含题目的写作指引词吗?

谢谢点评先,我也是刚刚写不久……没注意直接复制了帖子上的指引,还以为这个是14,assumption是118呢。
最主要的是文章要根据不同的写作指引作出不同的回应。主旨段肯定就要反映出来,各段主题句或者整个文章都在回应

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发表于 2015-6-4 19:32:19 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-4 19:10
谢谢点评先,我也是刚刚写不久……没注意直接复制了帖子上的指引,还以为这个是14,assumption是118呢。
...

原来是酱紫,张姿势了,谢谢

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发表于 2015-6-8 20:46:49 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-14 15:02 编辑

[0608 同主题练习] Issue 113
113)Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.        
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.        

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


Para.1  作用内容点评语言点评
A great nation would be the one that has ever made great contributions toward the development of human society and civilization. 定义great nation 和其他同学有同样的问题 下定义不能这么肯定  要指出是你的个人观点  
The issue discussing this topic is actually twofold: it is good welfare of people that indicate a great nation; whether a nation is great or not could not be judged by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists. 概括speaker的观点 这个概括的意义在于哪里 感觉没有回应claim和reason 这样无视题目是很不妥的
Given this understanding of  greatness, I would first discuss why the general welfare of citizens is not a good indicator; I will then discuss some examples of great nations in history and in modern society to illustrate that the achievments of the elites are better indicators.  
你看我的这个句子也没有陈述理由  
Considering the preceding criteria of a great nation, I disagree with either the claim or the reason. 说明观点

因为理由比较长,难以概括到很短的内容,这样的话就会给人重复(而不是呼应)的感觉。所以我可不可以不再主旨句里面写明原因呀?
其实我的这篇的主旨句也没有提出理由 也是可以 但是要尽量和后面的主题句内容有呼应  
Revised:
In my perspective, a great nation would be the one that has ever made great contributions toward the development of human society and civilization. The speaker claimed that the achievements of its rulers, artists, and scientists could not be the indicator of a great nation, because the surest indicator would be the welfare of its people. Given my understanding of greatness, I disagree with either the claim or the reason. The reason for general welfare not to be a good indicator and some examples in both history and modern society that illustrate achievements of elites to be better indicators are discussed below.


Para.2 作用内容点评语言点评
First of all, a great nation may have great welfare, but a nation with great welfare might not be a great nation, according to the given understanding. 主题句 你这个主题句看起来很俏皮 但是你后面并没有展开回应前半句
according to the definition proposed

great welfare of ...   


Some countries with a relatively small population may happen to be rich of resources, and thus are able to provide their people with a high quality of life. 提出可能的情况
However, it is possible that the country has not ever played a great role in human’s history or had a profound impact on the development of our society. 反驳claim society- global society
A small but resource-rich nation could just be fortunate to have a good welfare. Therefore, we could not indicate a great nation only by the living condition of its people. 总结分论点 indicate a great nation only by 表达  

如果把主题句修改一下 这段写得挺好的
Revised:
First of all, according to the definition proposed, a nation with great welfare of its people might not actually be a great nation.
Some countries with a relatively small population may happen to be rich of resources, and thus are able to provide their people with a high quality of life. However, it is possible that the country has not ever played a great role in human’s history or had a profound impact on the development of global society. A small but resource-rich nation could just be fortunate to have a good welfare of people. Therefore, we could not decide a great nation only by the living condition of its people.

Para.3  作用内容点评语言点评
Additionally, when we look into our history, it was always the science and technology that impelled human’s society. 主题句 主题句没有直接回应题目 不过可以当成背景铺垫吧
Countries which prompted new technologies first and led to a large transform in human’s life deserved
the label of great nation.
进一步说明 which prompted new technologies first and
led to a large transform表达有问题
Take British as an example: technologies like the steam locomotive had led to a revolution on transportation, and thus greatly changed the way people travel and communicate. 例子 Britain
At that time, however, workers in British had a heavier work load than the past and the welfare was not admirable at all. 联系例子说明论点
Without a good welfare, British was still a great nation which had an advanced technology and just changed the world. 用例子总结论点 good welfare of ...
Britain

Revised:
Additionally, when we look into our history, it was always the science and technology that impelled human’s society. Countries which first brought in new technologies and led to a huge transformation in human’s life deserved the label of great nation. Take Britain as an example: technologies like the steam locomotive had led to a revolution on transportation, and thus greatly changed the way people travel and communicate. At that time, however, workers in British had a heavier work load than the past and the welfare was not admirable at all. Without a good welfare of its people, Britain was still a great nation which had an advanced technology and just changed the world.

写的挺好  

你觉得这样列表对你有什么帮助么?  

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-8 21:59:34 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-8 20:46
[0608 同主题练习] Issue 113
113)Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievemen ...

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发表于 2015-6-8 23:22:07 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-8 21:59
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谢谢老师点评!
我觉得列表会让思路更清晰,不说没有用的句子。比较直接地感觉到中间有一个地方本来想写两句话的,但比较短的两句话的作用是相同的,就揉成了一句话,这样给人感觉结构更清楚。
不过我还是觉得因为有写作思路的引导所以写清楚了。感觉如果我们自己去把范文拆开看每句话的功能,应该也会有帮助。学习怎么展开,和有合适的思路,都非常重要。
(没想到居然会出British,transform这种问题……真是不好意思)

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发表于 2015-6-9 20:53:01 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-14 15:18 编辑

[0609 同主题练习] Argument 78
78) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.


Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


结论:to save money, it is better for the food distribution company to hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away.
论据:last month, over $20,000 worth of food was destroyed in the warehouse in Palm City,
        while only $10,000 worth of the food stored was destroyed in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired.

Para.1 作用 内容点评 语言点评
The vice president argued that in order to save money, the food distribution company should hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away based on the food destroyed in their two warehouses last month. 概括president的结论、论据 the amount of food destroyed ...
To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the actual rate of food destroyed, more data about Fly-Away’s performance in the past as well as the detailed cost of hiring price and food lost. 主旨句 actual percentage

看了范文,发现这里可以讨论的点不只总的food storage,还有仓库条件、害虫种类等等
Revised:
The vice president argued that in order to save money, the food distribution company should hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away based on the amount of food destroyed in their two warehouses last month. To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the actual percentage of food destroyed, more data about Fly-Away’s performance in the past as well as the detailed cost of hiring price and food lost.

Para.2 作用 内容点评 语言点评
To begin with, we need more evidence about the rate of the destroyed food and the total storage in each warehouse. ts1
Only the value of the damaged food in the respective warehouses was not enough. 说明现有数据不够
It could be possible that there was $100,000 worth of food stored in Palm City, while there was only $30,000 worth amount stored in Wintervale. Under this circumstance, the rate of destroyed food in Palm, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, is 20% but in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired, is actually 33%. 提出可能性 感觉这样举数字略显clumsy  It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Wintervale than in ...   
Obviously, less worth of food destroyed does not indicate less loose. 提出结论 less worth of food  表达
loose -loss

Therefore, we need to know more about the percentage of destroyed food in the two warehouses. 总结ts1,回应evidence

Revised:
To begin with, we need more evidence about the percentage of the destroyed food and the total storage in each warehouse. Only the value of the damaged food in the respective warehouses was not enough. It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Palm City than in Wintervale. The $20,000 worth of food destroyed in Palm City, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, may be a smaller percentage than that in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired. In this case, less destroyed food does not mean less loss. Therefore, we need to know more about the percentage of destroyed food in the two warehouses.


Para.3 作用 内容点评 语言点评
Moreover, more evidence about the actual ability of Fly-Away to control pest is necessary to decide which company to cooperate with. ts2 感觉应对比两间公司的过往记录
It could be an accident that Fly-Away had a bad control of pest since we have only one-month data. 提出可能性 这个意思没有表达好
Performance record of one job may not represent the overall performance of the company as the employees working on this job may be exceptionally well-trained and responsible whereas their colleagues may not perform as well in other jobs
The actual capacity to control pest in food warehouses can be learned from the past performance of Fly-Away. 可能的解决方案
We could just investigate the data in the past few years from other food warehouses which have ever cooperated with Fly-Away. 解决方案展开
Only when we have the evidence showing that Fly-Away control pest worse than Buzzoff could we make the decision of adopting Buzzoff to save money. 总结ts2,回应evidence Fly-Away control pest worse (less effectively)  
表达问题

Revised:
Additionally, more evidenve about the past performance of the two pest control companies is necessary for us  to compare their service and to decide which company to cooperate with. Performance of one month's job may not represent the overall performance of a company as the employees may not be exceptionally well-trained during the first month.   The actual capacity to control pest in food warehouses can be learned from the past performance of Fly-Away. We could just investigate the data in the past few years from other food warehouses which have ever cooperated with Fly-Away. Only when we have the evidence showing that the work of Fly-Away is less effectively than Buzzoff could we make the decision of adopting Buzzoff to save money.


Para.4 作用 内容点评 语言点评
Finally, we need to look into the specific payment of hiring the two pest control companies, namely, to compare the difference between the lost money and the difference between the hiring prices. ts3 payment- cost
It is possible that the food distribution company suffers a $10,000 more of lost but pays $15,000 less when hiring Fly-Away. 提出可能性 lost- loss
If this situation is close to the reality, using service from Fly-Away will definitely be helpful to save money. 该可能情况下的结论 this situation is close to the reality什么意思?
Therefore, for the purpose of saving money, we should consider more evidence about the hiring price and the food lost. 总结ts3,回应evidence

Revised:
Finally, we need to look into the specific cost of hiring the two pest control companies, namely, to compare the difference between the lost money and the difference between the hiring prices. It is possible that the food distribution company suffers a $10,000 more of loss but pays $15,000 less when hiring Fly-Away. In this case, using service from Fly-Away will definitely be helpful to save money. Therefore, for the purpose of saving money, we should consider more evidence about the hiring price and the food lost.


Para.5 作用 内容点评 语言点评
In sum, to better evaluate this argument, it is better to know the specific destroyed food percentage, the past performance of Fly-Away pest control company as well as the difference between the hiring price and the financial lost in both the two pest control companies. 总结段



40分钟……和过去的相比已经算是比较流畅的了也可能是因为这一篇在point上面难度不大。再多写写时间应该还可以缩短吧、、
感觉确定有进步

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发表于 2015-6-11 09:17:11 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-14 14:07 编辑

[0611 同主题练习] Issue 33
33) As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


思路:对大多数普通人来说,更多的知识和新技术使一些工作内容、知识变得更容易理解和less abstract
        就理论科学而言,更多的知识导致了一些目前无法解决的难题的提出,make things more mysterious
        对于整个社会来说,新的知识有时会带来以前不会有的社会问题,make things more complex.


Para.1 作用 内容点评 语言点评
People are always exploring and acquiring new knowledge. 引言
Does this make things easier to understand or more complex and harder to comprehend? 问题
The answer to this question would be different when we take different group of people into account.  观点 groups
For general public, more knowledge and some of the new techniques could make abstract things more comprehensible; For scientists in theoretical science, things seem to become more mysterious sometimes and more unsolved problems were brought up; Besides, for our society, some of the knowledge has made things more complicated and even generate new issues hard to address. 主旨句 你这个主旨句前面两个点分别讲general public 和scientist 但是到了第三点确实society 这个和前面不并列啊  new techniques of what?   分号后面应该是小写



Para.2作用 内容点评 语言点评
With regard to the general public, it is a fact that things are going to be more comprehensible. ts1
Computer assistant design has released engineers from heavy work looking at a draft and imagining the 3-D model with difficulty.  example 1
Engineers in architecture today can accomplish a blueprint of a building just by sketching their design with software and no longer have to draw a huge picture with a pencil. 例子展开 我觉得这个例子不合适 CAD并不是知识 而是一种技术  
Computer models are also used in learning and teaching, where it made things easier to understand. example 2 注意题目讲的是knowledge 而不是technology
所以这段的例子都不行
As demonstrated by the examples above, more knowledge and new techniques are making things more comprehensible for general people. 总结ts1,comprehensible

Revised:
With regard to the general public, it is a fact that many mysterious phenomena in the past are going to become plausible with the knowledge people acquired. Before the knowledge came to people's mind, they would interpret things with bizarre theories. People in ancient Greek thought it was the curse of the pharaoh that made the Nile overflow every year, which caused a great panic. With the knowledge in hydrology indicating that it was the climate change at the river source that caused the flood, people began to understand the natural phenomenon and did not think it as the punishment from pharaoh.

看了老师和Kssandra的例子以后发现用知识理解自然现象的例子太多了,自己当时确实想的太偏。



Para.3 作用 内容点评 语言点评
When we consider scientists who have devoted most of their time into theoretical problem, things might be more mysterious as more guess has been brought up. ts2
In the area of mathematics, the famous Goldbach’s conjecture has confused generations of scientists. example 1
Without more knowledge acquired by the mathematician Goldbach, he would not come up with such a conjecture, which made the demonstration puzzled and mysterious. 例子展开 注意题目的思路是 先获取新的知识 然后事情变得搞不懂或者神秘 但是你的例子里 没有看到获取了什么知识   
Not only mathematicians, physicists are also puzzled by some unsolved problems led by some momentous theories which were developed by human with more knowledge. 过渡
Quantum Mechanics, which was prompted by great scientists like Einstein and had helped solving many difficulties in communication area, also remains enigmatic problems like “Can quantum mechanics and general relativity be realized as a fully consistent theory?” example 2 同样的 没有看到知识的具体例子

prompted不懂  
Things are more mysterious for scientists with more acquired knowledge in the preceding cases. 总结ts2,mysterious

这里感觉Goldbach例子的展开不是很合适,因为探寻问题的证明原本是件好事,而这里好像有一些负面的意思

Revised:
When we consider scientists, who have devoted most of their time into theoretical problem, things might be more mysterious as they get more knowledge and findings. When scientists get to know something new, more relevant questions may come about and things could become more mysterious. Newtonian mechanics was once thought to be the most perfect and flawless theory to explain the macroscopic motion. However, when atom and electron were discovered, the interpretation based on classical mechanics would become invalid to explain the high-speed and random motion of the electrons. In this case, to explain the observations that might challenge the existing theories, scientists have to search for new theories constantly.



Para.4 作用 内容点评 语言点评
Additionally, new knowledge has created some issues leading a diploma to our society. ts3 问题在上面已经讨论了
society并不是具体的人  
diploma?
When people acquired knowledge in cloning, whether this technique could be used became an ethics issue that was complicated for us to address.  例子
Also, whether genetically modified organisms could be used as food has become controversial after we made a success in using this technique. 例子2
In these cases, more knowledge we acquired did not make things more comprehensible, but rather more complex for our society.  总结ts3,complex

Revised:
Additionally, for scientists, acquiring more knowledge might lead to great complexity involving some awkward social problems. Some knowledge and techniques in the field of biology, in particular, could illustrate this point. In the middle of the 20th century, scientists began to acquire the knowledge of asexual reproducing and applied it in the reproducing of plants and animals, which was known as clone. However, whether cloning could be applied to human became terribly controversial and even became an ethical problem. As knowledge accumulating, things do not seem to be more clear, but more complex and could involve other problems that are difficult to solve.


Para.5 作用 内容点评 语言点评
New techniques are always leading to some transformations in our life, and generally speaking, have made life easier for most people. 总结,正面
However, when different group of people and different situations are taken into consideration, knowledge and scientific research might just make something more puzzled. 总结,反面


虽然你这篇写的不太成功,但是却帮助你发现了一个重要的问题,就是例子一定要切题,尤其是题目里的思路在例子里要清晰的体现。

写之前参考了老师的思路,不过后来又想到了知识带来的社会问题,这样的话分类好像就不明确了……
又回到50分钟了……中间的一些terminology是写的过程中查词典的……
另外就是很多词在写的过程中不会paraphrase,否则就要花很多时间去想。

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RE: 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [修改]
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