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[习作点评] 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [复制链接]

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-26 14:11:10 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 13:59
谢谢老师~还有麻烦老师,后面的练习我挪到晹城 习作帖——同主题练习
http://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ...

我把帖子合并了 你有空更新一下2楼的目录

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IBT Zeal 备考先锋 US-applicant

发表于 2015-5-27 01:04:18 |显示全部楼层
开头段:
The vice president claimed that Quiot Manufacturing should cut down one hour from each of the three work shifts to guarantee that employees could get enough sleep to lower accidents and thereby increase productivity. This recommendation is based on the higher accident rate compared to Panoply Industries, which is nearby Quiot Manufacturing, and on the conclusion from experts indicating (experts’ conclusion that) that fatigue is the key issue leading to on-the-job accidents. To assess this argument, there are a number of assumptions to be examine (examined) critically.

中间第一段
It is a fact that compared with the nearby Panoply Industries plant, the work shifts are one hour longer in Quiot Manufacturing. Yet it is possible that there are other more significant factors leading to on-the-job accidents such as the lighting condition in the workshop and the conditions of equipment. 如果Quiot的照明条件很差,那么极有可能是由于环境因素导致了高事故率;同样,如果Quiot的机器设备都相对老旧,故障率高,那么也很可能并不是因为工作时间长才导致事故率高的。因此,claim成立必须确保假设(QM和PI的工作环境是差不多的,换言之,两者只有工作时间上的差异)是正确的。

中间第二段
Admittedly, evidence from experts has shown that sleep deprivation would (is able to) lead to more on-the-job accidents. However, it is unsure that the workers in Quiot Manufacturing are actually suffering fatigue. 由于有three work shift,工人工作的时间应该不会太久(远大于8小时)。因此claim成立需要建立在QM的工人确实处于疲劳状态的假设上。而如果工人精力尚可,那减少的1 hour将不会起到预期作用。

中间第三段
Furthermore, the ultimate purpose of the suggestion the president proposed is to increase productivities(不可数), thus it should be assumed that one more hour’s rest could help workers improve working efficiency to reach the goal. 如果减少的一小时并不能提高工人的工作效率,那同样时间的减少并不能达到提高产量的目的。

除了第三个观点列出了president的假设外,其他的两个观点并没有说明,而这道题目要求是要分析president的假设。

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-27 01:09:37 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:47
[0526同主题练习]Argument 32 提纲
The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Ma ...

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-27 21:19:36 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:42
[0527同主题练习] Issue 13 提纲+challenge段

13) Universities should require every student to take  ...

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发表于 2015-5-28 01:12:42 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 21:19
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老师,我修改过了,您有空再去看下~谢谢老师啦!

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-28 06:37:16 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-28 01:12
老师,我修改过了,您有空再去看下~谢谢老师啦!

好 我周末再看

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发表于 2015-5-28 09:27:49 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-28 06:37
好 我周末再看

ok~谢谢老师

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发表于 2015-5-28 14:13:06 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:42
[0527同主题练习] Issue 13 提纲+challenge段

13) Universities should require every student to take  ...

暘城你好,昨天说今天中午来看你的issue,来了才发现王老师已经给你点评过了,为了不打扰你们在这篇issue上的互动,我就不另外点评了。
另外给你一个例子参考,关于ts1里面的,你看看合不合适
“在现在的计算机行业求职岗位中,越来越多的公司提出了六级英语的要求,甚至有的公司对英语口语也提出了要求(原因是计算机行业的发展迅速,很多新的知识都是从国外引进回来,一开始都只有英文资料的,所以对英语要求能力变高了),而在三年前,少部分都只有四级英语的要求,可以看出,拥有较高的英语水平对计算机专业的同学的个人发展更有益处”

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发表于 2015-5-28 16:14:30 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:41
[0528同主题练习]Argument 71 给定提纲计时写全文

71)The following is a letter to the editor of the  ...

你好,楼上同学,班门弄斧点评下你的作文


According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.
It is possible that the objects of the surveys are different from that of three years ago. Evidence showing that the reports given by local people are reliable is needed here to examine this proposal. It may not be a worse traffic condition but the defferent survey objects that makes the conclusion showing such a traffic problem.(这里主要讨论调查对象可能不同以及问卷调查对象的报告是否可靠  也许交通并没有变差 )
个人觉得展开不够多哦。另外,make the conclusion showing problem好像有语病,是不是lead to the conclusion that...比较好?

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. Evidence should be provided that the traffic improvement in Garville is indeed the result of sharing rides. There may be other causes of the reduced pollution such as the enhanced management applied to industry discharging. Also, the evidence given by local residents should be examined, that is, whether the commute time was decreased or not should not be concluded only from what the local people said. On the other side, we need to know whether people in Waymarsh would accept this policy or not. What if most of them are rich and would care more about private space than the gas coupon?
(这里主要关注政策是否真的在Garville 奏效 也许pollution减少另有原因 比如政府加强对工厂排污的管理  另外Garville的commute time是否真的减少了 仅凭和当地人谈话是否可靠
同时要讨论 gas coupon及share ride在Waymarsh是否被人接受 也许当地人都是土豪 不在乎那点钱 更关注隐私或安全问题)

Also, the evidence given by local residents should be examined, that is, whether the commute time was decreased or not should not be concluded only from what the local people said.
这句话好像也有语病,that is 后面跟的应该是evidence的内容,而不是对evidence的判断, 不知道我这样讲对不对

Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. Admittedly, road construction is expensive, but which would be more of road construction and 50 year’s gas coupon? As for the disturbing of(of可删去) local residents, it could be evaluated by converting this issue to financial compensation which is comparable to 50 year’s coupon(这句没看懂). After all, specific data is crucial to decide which policy to implement about the traffic condition.
(修路虽然很贵 但是可以用50年 和补贴汽油50年的费用对比如何
对当地人的滋扰可以转化为经济补偿 再和补贴汽油的费用对比
总之需要定量数据来对比两种方案)

but which would be more of road construction and 50 year’s gas coupon?
这句话也需要改改。。。
In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

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发表于 2015-5-28 19:30:38 |显示全部楼层
fishgo 发表于 2015-5-28 14:13
暘城你好,昨天说今天中午来看你的issue,来了才发现王老师已经给你点评过了,为了不打扰你们在这篇issue上 ...

谢谢你!
我其实在写这一点(基于学生个人发展来说,教育的目的之一就是促进个体的全面发展)的时候是想单纯强调全面发展的重要性的,想要尽量避开就业,因为我的第二点是使学生更好地满足企业的要求。所以就想不出来很有说服力的例子咯~不过还是谢谢你给的例子啦!

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发表于 2015-5-28 20:00:24 |显示全部楼层
dingka 发表于 2015-5-28 16:14
你好,楼上同学,班门弄斧点评下你的作文

你提出的几点都很对,谢谢你看的这么仔细!
就是这里
As for the disturbing of(of可删去) local residents
如果变成“As for disturbing local residents”,感觉很奇怪,当然原来也很奇怪,我在写这句的时候就感觉这里介词不知道怎么写。现在改成了to。也许这整个一句,表达同样的意思,可以有完全不一样的看起来很舒服自然的写法。
其他的都改过啦~谢谢啦!

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-28 21:14:29 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:41
[0528同主题练习]Argument 71 给定提纲计时写全文

71)The following is a letter to the editor of the  ...

可能我的中文误导了你 翻译是会死的很惨的

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IBT Zeal 备考先锋 US-applicant

发表于 2015-6-1 22:59:28 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-25 23:55
[0601同主题练习]Issue 7
7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to  ...

-个人感觉就ts1和ts3回复了前面的第一段的主旨;

-ts1看似两个观点,但其实是一个。。

-ts3我感觉你后面的干货内容不是提出了一个解决办法,而是详细的阐述了政治对于艺术的影响。

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发表于 2015-6-1 23:17:39 |显示全部楼层
sokiller 发表于 2015-6-1 22:59
-个人感觉就ts1和ts3回复了前面的第一段的主旨;

-ts1看似两个观点,但其实是一个。。

谢谢~不过我的ts1确实是一个点啊,看来是真的没说清楚
ts3的话,这类内容我确实不熟所以想不出什么干货来,大概例子要盗用老师的了

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IBT Zeal 备考先锋 US-applicant

发表于 2015-6-1 23:54:12 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-1 23:17
谢谢~不过我的ts1确实是一个点啊,看来是真的没说清楚
ts3的话,这类内容我确实不熟所以想不出什么干货来 ...

我记得托福还是什么的听力材料中 有个讲美国的艺术agency的起源 其实是个非常好的例子

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RE: 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [修改]
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