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[习作点评] 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [复制链接]

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发表于 2015-5-20 00:05:12 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-9-5 16:45 编辑

写作学习背景
613T    托福27分
510 G   AW3分   

下次考试时间
8月29日
目标AW4分

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本人为寄托ID 晹城 的持有人,现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究,在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


[同主题练习] 目录

Date Loc. 题目 内容 点评状态 修改状态
08/26 59楼 Issue 108 全文     
08/11 58楼 Argument 63 全文     
07/13 11楼 Issue 15(重写) 计时模仿全文 已点评  待修改  
Week 6           
07/08 57楼 内容反馈之五 中间段的展开与例子的解释     
07/07 54楼 语言反馈之四 指代不明或缺乏限定范围     
Week5           
06/23 62楼 Issue 34 全文 没贴到当日作业贴下面
06/22 61楼 Issue 59 全文 没贴到当日作业贴下面
Week 4           
06/19 53楼 Argument 84 全文 已点评   
06/18 50楼 Issue 122 提纲 已点评   
06/16 49楼 Argument 15 全文   已点评    
06/15 48楼 Issue 65 全文       
Week 3               
06/12 46楼 Argument 28 全文 已点评    
06/11 45楼 Issue 33 全文 已点评 已修改
06/09 44楼 Argument 78 全文 已点评 已修改
06/08 41楼 Issue 113   Para.1+Para.2,3 已点评 已修改
Week 2               
06/04 34楼 Argument 14 全文 已点评 Version 2.0
06/03 33楼 Issue 62 全文 已点评 待修改
06/02   6楼 Argument 1 全文 已点评 Version 2.0
06/01   7楼 Issue 7 提纲 已点评 待修改
Week 1               
05/28   9楼 Argument 71 给定提纲计时写全文 已点评 Version 2.0
05/27 10楼 Issue 13 提纲 已点评 Version 2.0
05/26 12楼 Argument 32 提纲 已点评 待修改
05/25 11楼 Issue 15 提纲 已点评 Version 2.0



红色字体为王老师点评部分


以前的习作:
2楼 Issue 3 提纲 已点评
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发表于 2015-5-20 00:12:17 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-9-4 15:00 编辑

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-21 09:18:03 |显示全部楼层
楼主要加入我们的互改么
请在一楼更新一下个人信息 什么时候考 以前的记录 目标等等 另外 下周一开始同主题互改

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-23 20:32:34 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-26 14:02 编辑

呵呵

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-23 20:34:53 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-26 14:02 编辑

呵呵呵

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发表于 2015-5-25 23:55:23 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-6 13:56 编辑

[0602 同主题练习] Argument 1
1)Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.



结论:Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean
论据1:The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat
论据2:no Palean boats have been found.


According to the argument, woven baskets could be not only made by the Palean people, 断句humans in Lithos, which is across to Palean by Brim River, also had this craft because there was no boat found and the river could be crossed only by boats. To evaluate this argument, we need to examine more evidence about the possibility that the baskets might be carried through other ways. Also, further evidence about the existence of boats is necessary to lead to this conclusion.

lead to this conclusion表达

Revised:
The passage argued that woven baskets were not uniquely Palean. People in Lithos, which was across the river from Palean, could make it as well because such baskets were also found in Lithos.To evaluate this argument, we need to examine more evidence about the possibility that the baskets may be carried through other ways. Also, further evidence about the existence of boats is necessary to draw this conclusion.
前两段:的确没有船,但可能有其他的方式(人为带过去、水冲过去)
第三段:可能有船


While it may be true that prehistoric residents in Palean did not have boats, there may be other ways by which the baskets could be taken to the other side of the river. We need to examine whether it is 时态 possible for later humans to bring such woven baskets to Lithos. For example, some explorers in modern centuries may had visited Palean and carried the delicate woven basket with them. They may leave these crafts at Lithos when they came there, maybe by airplane, which is quite common in the recent century. Considering this circumstance, the argument could be weakened if anyone have ever been to both the two sides of the river.

我觉得扯到现代人是不靠谱的
archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos
考古学家会看出来是现代人碰过的东西 外星人还差不多   

Revised:
While it may be true that prehistoric residents in Palean did not have boats, there might be other ways by which the baskets could be taken to the other side of the river. Brim River at that time could be not as deep and broad as it is now, so that Palean people could carry the baskets across the river by swimming or even just walking. Also, the climate condition at that time should be examined. If the climate in prehistoric age was extremely cold that river would froze in winter, people in Palean would be able to carry these baskets to Lithos. Considering this circumstance, the argument could be weakened even if there was no boat for Palean people to transport the baskets across the river.

Additionally, we need more evidence about whether it is reasonable that water could carry the baskets across the river. According to the given information, Brim River is 时态 quite deep and broad. It is quite possible for such a river to rise and fall regularly. When the bank in Palean was flooded, those woven baskets, if there had any, could be wash语法 away in the water and be left at Lithos when the river was falling. Therefore, when this situation is taken into account, the argument that such woven basket was also original in Lothos could be strongly weaken语法.

whether it is reasonable that这个句型用在这里不合适
it is possible  

一些小的语法问题要注意

Revised:
Additionally, we need more evidence about whether it is possible that water could carry the baskets across the river. According to the given information, Brim River was quite deep and broad. It is quite possible for such a river to rise and fall regularly. When the bank in Palean was flooded, those woven baskets, if there had any, could be washed away in the water and be left at Lithos when the river was falling. Therefore, when this situation is taken into account, the argument that such woven basket was also original in Lothos could be strongly weakened.

With regard to the boats, we need additional evidence about the judgment that there is时态 no boat at that time. The fact that no boat has been found till now does not mean that Palean people was not able to make a boat. Such concern could be valid since before the recent discovery of the woven basket in Lithos, we would think that such baskets could only be made by Palean people, which is now being challenged.整句句子结构混乱 Therefore, to support the argument, we need more evidence showing that there was indeed no boat during the Palean time.

judgment -选词 conclusion/ claim   
Such concern could be valid这里有什么concern?
这个句子我是想说,Lithos的baskets也是最近才找到,而由此认为Lithos的人也可以造篮子的。在发现Lithos有篮子之前,我们认为Lithos并没有篮子。  对于现在Palean没有发现船,是否也可以认为只是暂时没有找到(就像之前没有找到Lithos的篮子一样)

we need more evidence showing that there was indeed no boat
严格来说不可能有所谓的整句证明没有什么东西
你只能去找各种有这个东西的证据  如果找不到了 就只好接受这个东西没有的结论  
感觉这段基本废掉了

Revised:
With regard to the boats, we need to know more about the technologies and material of Palean and Lithos people at that time for building a boat. Specifically, we want to know whether they were able to build boats and if they were able to, what material had been used. It was quite possible that they could build a boat, but the material they used could not survive for a long time and left no traces for archaeologists to locate. Animal skin, which could be rotted away over time, is a possible example. The absence of any tangible traces of boats dose not necessarily imply no boats were available at that time.



In conclusion, the argument saying that Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean is not likely cogent enough only with the present evidence. To strengthen the argument, there must be more evidence indicating that there were no other ways carrying the baskets to Lithos and there was indeed no boat at that time.

50分钟 →_→ ...大概因为写的时候很多地方会卡,想不出来合适的词
看了老师的范文觉得很多地方还可以有更多的可能,比如可能会有气温低河面结冰,可能曾经河水没有现在宽等等。
另外关于没发现boat不等于没有boat,这一点我确实没想到一些具体的例子。Kssandra在文章中给出的具体的可能性比如兽皮做材料的船可能被腐蚀掉,其他village的人可能有boat等等就很好

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发表于 2015-5-25 23:55:46 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-7 14:59 编辑

[0601同主题练习]Issue 7
7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented
.


TS:
When looking into the long-term development of a nation, we could find art playing an important role during that time. With regard to the role government funding plays in art’s prosperity, I tend to agree with the position that such funding could help arts flourish and be available to more people. For artists, government funding could encourage them to devote more on arts thereby to develop art works of a higher quality; Also, government could promote the accessibility of arts to mass audience by offering financial support. While as for the concern that government funding could threaten the integrity of arts, measures could be found to reduce this threat as far as possible.

感觉你的引言写得好勉强 可以考虑不写算了  
by offering financial support to do want 说清楚
While 去掉
measures could be taken  
as far as possible. 表达  





ts1:
To begin with, government funding of arts could make artists more willing to devote themselves into artistic creation, which could thereby help them produce better works. (如果政府愿意资助艺术,艺术家们将会减轻对生存的顾虑从而能够更加专注地投入艺术创作。)Also, financial support could help some talented but poor artists producing better works.(历史上很多艺术家都是在很长一段时间内过着穷困潦倒的生活。比如Mozart,他在音乐方面天赋秉异,但可惜的是他只活了34岁,而且生命的最后几年都为贫穷所困。如果当时他能够得到政府的financial support,他必将能创造出更多的经典作品)
写完后看了和Kssandra的文章,让我感触颇深的是,想表达的观点是一样的,但是Kssandra表达得更清楚。
另外和老师的范文对比,感觉我的ts1偏掉了,没有强调necessary。

这里貌似用名人的例子也说得通
不过好像有种说法是痛苦是艺术的源泉。如果让艺术家太舒服了就没有好的艺术啦。O(∩_∩)O哈哈哈~




ts2:
In addition, government funding could support the propagation and communication of arts, which is also necessary to the flourishing of arts.(有些艺术形式并不容易be available to general populace. 比如戏剧相比音乐而言,会较少地受到大众的青睐。这时政府的资助和引导就显得尤为重要。古罗马就曾对观看戏剧给出过津贴,这无疑促进了戏剧艺术在民间的传播.)

感觉我这个点也没说清楚。availability确实应该首先考虑museum和school两个比较大的方面。
propagation and communication 这两个词不合适
这里政府资助的作用到底在哪里 ?
难道要倒贴钱给观众  


Revised:
In addition, government funding could be used to build some infrastructures such as museums and art schools, where artworks can be presented to public, artists as well as researchers. (有利于艺术对公众的传播、有利于学生学习、艺术家之间的交流,也为研究人员提供丰富的资料)
看了Kssandra这一段的展开,发现把一个事情分开  对不同的人各自有何种影响 是很好的中间段展开方式。


ts3:
On the other hand, the concern that government funding may threaten the integrity of arts is also valid. However, we could try to reduce the threats by creating an independent commission to distribute the funding without being affected by government’s will. (将艺术本身与政治分离,能够保证不同的艺术形式所受到相对公平的资金支持而不被政府意志所控制。通过这样一种方式能够确保艺术发展的独立性和完整性。)

affecting- being affected by  


In conclusion, considering the positive impact on artists and the accessibility of arts, it is necessary for government to provide financial support to ensure that arts can thrive and be available to general populace. As for the possible threats, there could also be solutions to address it.

threaten- threat

整篇提纲的问题是 对这类内容我所能想到的表达很少很单一,在写的过程中用词也很纠结(提纲写了有不止1小时,而且思路是之前想好的)

感觉你还不是表达的问题 虽然表达也有些问题 关键是还是中间段展开的路径没有想好     
尤其是ts2

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-5-26 05:55:41 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-25 23:55
对不起啊老师,前两天作业什么的事情太多了,还有些不得不去的活动,耽误了更新。但是我起码应该回复下的 ...

没关系  你申请对GRE作文有要求么

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发表于 2015-5-26 11:41:45 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-5-31 21:13 编辑

[0528同主题练习]Argument 71 给定提纲计时写全文

71)The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

Para.1
According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.
Para.2
To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.
It is possible that the objects of the surveys are different from that of three years ago. Evidence showing that the reports given by local people are reliable is needed here to examine this proposal. It may not be a worse traffic condition but the defferent survey objects that led to the conclusion of such a traffic problem.
(这里主要讨论调查对象可能不同以及问卷调查对象的报告是否可靠  也许交通并没有变差 )

objects - participants
led to the conclusion of such a traffic problem.表达
Evidence showing that the reports given by local people are reliable is needed这个句型不太好
感觉整段话没有展开 有point 但是更进一步的说明

Revised:
To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. We need to know more about the participants in the two surveys. It is possible that participants in the first survey took a shorter commute than in the second, because their companies or residences had probably moved farther from downtown area. Also, it is important to look into the reliability of the surveys. Drivers may not take it seriously or recall the time accurately when filling a questionnaire, thus made the conclusion less reliable. If there is no more evidence to verify this result, the surveys-based conclusion indicating that traffic gose worse would be questionable.
Para.3
In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh. Evidence should be provided that the traffic improvement in Garville is indeed the result of sharing rides. There may be other causes of the reduced pollution such as the enhanced management applied to industry discharging. Also, the evidence given by local residents should be examined. Whether the commute time was decreased or not should not be concluded merely from what local people said. On the other side, we need to know whether people in Waymarsh would accept this policy. What if most of them are rich and would care more about private space as well as safety than the gas coupon?

Evidence should be provided that 句型   
There may be other causes of the reduced pollution such as the enhanced management applied to industry discharging. 不要想着一句话讲太多事情

你看这里分两句就清楚多了

The fact that pollution levels dropped does not necessarily imply that the policy had reduced the traffic and the amount of exhaust(排气量) in Garville.  Maybe when the policy was introduced more draconian measures were also taken to reduce pollution caused by factories in Garville.

(这里主要关注政策是否真的在Garville 奏效 也许pollution减少另有原因 比如政府加强对工厂排污的管理  另外Garville的commute time是否真的减少了 仅凭和当地人谈话是否可靠
同时要讨论 gas coupon及share ride在Waymarsh是否被人接受 也许当地人都是土豪 不在乎那点钱 更关注隐私或安全问题)
  
Para.4
Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. Admittedly, road construction is expensive. However, a well constructed road could be used for 50 years, during the time the gas coupon might be a lager expenditure. As for another consideration, we could find ways to compare it with 50 years' gas coupon. Disturbing to the residents could be converted into financial compensation, and thus is comparable to the cost of coupon. After all, an interpretation with specific figure is needed to decide which policy to implement about the traffic condition.
(修路虽然很贵 但是可以用50年 和补贴汽油50年的费用对比如何
对当地人的滋扰可以转化为经济补偿 再和补贴汽油的费用对比
总之需要定量数据来对比两种方案)


Disturbing to the residents could be converted into句型

Revised:
Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. Admittedly, road construction is expensive. However, a well constructed road could be used for 50 years, during which time the gas coupon might be a lager expenditure. As for the noise and disruption, it can be measured quantitatively by offering the affacted residents financial compensation, and thereby is comparable to the cost of coupon. The way to measure objectively the two proposals, constructing road or encouraging ride-share, is to calculate the costs and to compare them with the benefits of each for the long term. After all, which policy to implement about the traffic condition should be decided based on this measure.
Para.5
In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

基本上就是在翻译居然花了40分钟。大概还是要多写才能提高速度吧

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发表于 2015-5-26 11:42:22 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-5-30 18:55 编辑

[0527同主题练习] Issue 13 提纲+challenge段

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.



TS:
The great progress of science and technology in modern society has changed the requirements of talent from conventional situations. Modern companies require individuals with muti-disciplinary background other than specialists in a single field. I strongly agree that universities should ask students to attend in courses out of their major. For those who owns interests in a variety of fields, this proposal will help them fulfill their talent and passion of different areas; For those who only has single preference, taking courses outside their field of study could help them enlarge their sight and develop comprehensively. With regard to the concern of the heavier load imposed on students, universities could aptly cut off a few specialized courses to make a balance.

I strongly agree 和前一句的衔接  
out of their major out这个词换一下
owns interests搭配
has single preference of ...
develop comprehensively ...

cut off few specialized courses (a few)


我觉得你的主题句的几个点都不是很合适
因为这道题涉及某种价值判断 要决定一个政策好还是不好不能随便说它有什么好处 而要结合高等教育的目的和理念
要回到一个更基本的问题就是大学教育的目的是什么 什么样的大学教育是好的
把这个作为前提来评价政策才有基础  


可能你的第二点好些 因为你提到将来的职业需求  帮助学生在职业上成功是大学教育的其中一个目的
第一点要再斟酌一下


TS  修改:
The great progress of science and technology in modern society has changed the requirements of talent from conventional situations. Modern companies require individuals with muti-disciplinary background other than specialists in a single field. Considering these situations, I strongly agree that universities should ask students to attend in courses outside their major. Requirements like this could help students acquire a well rounded education and get better perpared for a future career. With regard to the concern of the heavier load imposed on students, it can be considered from another perspective that students can be relaxed and get something different when taking other courses.

ts1:
Students that are exposed to plenty of information during their growth may have developed a variety of interest and are quite willing to take the courses outside their major. Providing such an opportunity can just satisfy their need.

ts1修改:
Providing courses of different fields can help students get a well rounded education with a interdisciplinary background and thus to expand their knowledge basis. (这一点是基于学生个人发展来说的)教育的目的之一就是促进个体的全面发展,而一个有cosmopolitan视野和综合实力强的individual将在竞争激烈的现代社会中更胜一筹。不管是学校招phD还是company招employee,专业技能差不多的情况下,他们总会更青睐于综合实力强的人。
(实在想不出其他例子来了)



ts2:
Meanwhile, it is important for students to get the skills not only in their own major, some basic knowledge in computer, philosophy and economics is necessary as well. Taking courses in these fields can make a great contribution to their careers.  (这一点基于就业的要求来说)现代企业对于人才的要求逐渐在多元化,比如公司管理层的人员如果只懂管理学知识而对技术丝毫不了解,那么他将无法恰当和高效地进行分工。要求学生选修外专业的课程迫使兴趣单一的学生掌握其他领域必要的基础知识,从而更全面地发展和更好地适应社会的要求。


ts3:
Some people may consider this as extra tasks imposed on students and making them feel tired, as courses in universities could be already tough and heavy enough. While this is a valid concern, is should be kept in mind  that academic departments in university will surely consider this situation, and they could just remove some specialized courses that are of less importance from the schedule to ensure that students would not be under greater pressure. For example, Principles of Economics could take the place of Java Programming in electronic engineering, to make students in EE understand some basic rules in marketing or to help them better handle their money without adding their class hours.
这里你提出减少专业课 这个理由好像不是很成立 你没有解释为什么可以减少专业课 这个Java的例子也让人觉得莫名其妙  

ts3 修改:
Some people may consider this as extra tasks imposed on students and making them feel tired, as courses in universities could be already tough and heavy enough. While this is a valid concern, is should be kept in mind that everyone would find areas they have interested in beyound their majors, which means taking courses outside the major is actually a way to relax. Without the obligatory courses, students may search on other platforms such as Couresra or Mooc for those courses they would like to take. Moreover, taking courses outside their major gives the chance of making new friends and attending various activities, which could also be the great wealth in students' life.

感觉有点问题:中间段的主旨句一定要是一句吗?如果一句说不清楚,或者太长的话可以写成两三句吗?
另外感觉找不到比较丰富的例子,几段能举出来的例子几乎都差不多,就显得文章很啰嗦。


中间段的主题句写之前可以先过渡一下 写成两句ok  
找不到好的例子是很大的问题

你可以看看我的提纲

嗯,也就是说其实不一定要分情况讨论,像这样提出两方面的观点也ok是吧?

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发表于 2015-5-26 11:42:49 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-7-14 22:29 编辑

Issue 15
Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.



[0713同主题练习]Issue 15 计时模仿全文

I strongly disagree with the claim that educational institutions should encourage their students to choose the lucrative field of study for two reasons. First, educational institutions could not guarantee students who major in the so called lucrative area can have a well-paid job; also, students might be less likely to succeed in the field that they are not interested in. While the educational institutions may aim to cultivate alumni with higher income and get the donation from them, the fact that few students finally succeed in the recommended field and are willing to donate to the schools could fail this purpose.

lucrative area搭配有问题
the fact that 太肯定了


To begin with, students who major in the lucrative area might not get a lucrative job as educational institutions hope. There are many factors that determine the income of a job other than one’s major. It might be the truth that students who majored in finance and computer science are more likely to get a higher payment than those who work in other areas. Yet other factors might be more important such as one’s talent, ability as well as the environment of a certain field. To put it another way, there is no such lucrative jobs that deserve students to pay their time and effort even if they don’t have the talent and interests.


the environment of a certain field.搭配 不懂你的意思
there is no such lucrative jobs that deserve students to pay their time and effort even if they don’t have the talent and interests.整句话要改写 这个意思不对  


Another reason that can explain why educational institutions should not encourage students to choose lucrative fields is students’ interests. It is commonly accepted that interest is one of the key factors that lead to one’s success. Without any interest or enthusiasm, students might be less likely to reach a high level in his field of study. Even though they finally succeed, they would pay much more to reach the goal than reaching the counterpart level in the area they are interested in. In order to make students be more likely to succeed, schools and universities should support them to study what they like and not encourage them to choose the fields that universities think are lucrative.

reason that can explain搭配
reason is interest 搭配


Some people may argue that through helping the students choose the lucrative fields, the universities can thereby cultivate successful and rich alumni, who are likely to donate back. Admittedly, cultivating successful alumni is one of the major goals of educational institutions and is helpful in rising to the rank of a university. The students may not be that successful as universities wish them to be, since they are not that interested or talented in their field of study.

rising to the rank 表达




In conclusion, while it might be reasonable that schools and universities want to encourage their students to choose lucrative field of study and to get the donation back from them, the policy could no be helpful to guarantee their students a higher income. Also, lacking of interest might lead to less success among the students, which might fail the initial purpose of the educational institutions.


could no -not
主要是一些表达的问题 还比较严重  


还是没把握好时间,中间有些犹豫,33分钟。
三周没有连续练习了,在表达方面确实有些生疏。





[0525同主题练习]Issue 15 提纲

TS:
Whether educational institutions should advise students choosing the study area that can make a higher income should depends on the interests of the student. For those who does not have a specific preference of which field to choose, suggestions of devoting to lucrative careers would be reasonable and constructive; For those who already have a strong interest in specific fields, it is   better for the student to persist in the field he has chosen; Also, schools and universities should concentrate more on student’s talent and the area they are more likely to succeed, but not only the fields with higher income.

主旨句的前两个点都ok 第三点似乎没有回应challenge
Revised TS:
Whether educational institutions should advise students choosing the study area that can make a higher income should depends on the interests of the student. For those who does not have a specific preference of which field to choose, suggestions of devoting to lucrative careers would be reasonable and constructive; For those who already have a strong interest in specific fields, it is   better for the student to persist in the field he has chosen. With regard to the pointment arguing for the benefits of a higner income for those who are strongly interested in an area, it is important to keep in mind that a high income is not the only worthy goal in life.

ts1:
To begin with, recommendation for students who are not clear on which field of study to choose could be beneficial since many students without a clear goal are wasting time on the fields they have little passion on.

ts2:
With regard to the students with strong interest and great passion on some specific fields, the intervention from educational institutions could be improper since interest is the most crucial motivation to success.

ts3:
Some people may argue that higher income defines success and could bring individual a higher social status, I think the claim is still true because not a single achievement but the long and constantly updated achievement means truly success. And only when one owns both passion and talent on the field could he be likely to reach the continuous accomplishment. For educational institutions, it could be more important to encourage students to choose the field they are more likely to perform well but not the lucrative one.

你最后这一段内容上还是有问题 首先是你提出的这个挑战 没有针对你前面的观点 和前面没有连贯
be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position
事实上你的这个挑战到底是什么意思 没说清楚
而之后的回应也很牵强

也许你可以针对第二点提出一个挑战  


Some people may argue that students with strong interest in certain areas may still benefit by following the advice to switch their majors to more rewarding area of study. ... I think it is important to keep in mind that earning a high income is not the only worthy goal in life.  ...


Revised ts3:
Some people may argue that students with strong interest in certain areas may still benefit by following the advice of switching their majors to more rewarding areas. I think it is important to bear in mind that there are things more valuable in life such as chasing and fulfill one's dream. Admittedly, a high income could ensure a decent quality of life, fulfilling one's dream, however, is actually a demand of a higher hierarchy. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, physiological needs and safety, which can be satisfied by a not bad income, is the most basic demand of human. People who are able to reach this hierarchy would definitely pursue a higher goal. The top of the triangle, however, is self-actualization, which could only be satisfied by pursuing one's dream and fulfilling his interest. In this circumstance, educational institutions should not persuade students with strong interest in a certain area to swith their majors.
(这里decent不知合不合适,临时查的词; 另外,虽然马斯洛是个用烂了的例子,可是我觉得这里用还是很合适………………写完了才发现有逻辑漏洞,我的例子还是不合适,因为:如果坚持interest连饭都吃不饱呢?这个例子更说明了应该换高收入工作。。。)

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发表于 2015-5-26 11:47:01 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-27 01:09 编辑

[0526同主题练习]Argument 32 提纲
The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论:To reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, they should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

证据01
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours.

证据02
Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.



开头段:
The vice president claimed that Quiot Manufacturing should cut down one hour from each of the three work shifts to guarantee that employees could get enough sleep to lower accidents and thereby increase productivity. This recommendation is based on the higher accident rate compared to Panoply Industries, which is nearby Quiot Manufacturing, and on the conclusion from experts indicating that fatigue is the key issue leading to on-the-job accidents. To assess this argument, there are a number of assumptions to be examine critically.


based on the higher accident rate注意原题只说是30 percent more on-the-job accidents
你这里加上rate 意思就完全变了 这实际上是一个切入点




中间第一段
It is a fact that compared with the nearby Panoply Industries plant, the work shifts are one hour longer in Quiot Manufacturing. Yet it is possible that there are other more significant factors leading to on-the-job accidents such as the lighting condition in the workshop and the conditions of equipment. 如果Quiot的照明条件很差,那么极有可能是由于环境因素导致了高事故率;同样,如果Quiot的机器设备都相对老旧,故障率高,那么也很可能并不是因为工作时间长才导致事故率高的。因此,claim成立必须确保假设(QM和PI的工作环境是差不多的,换言之,两者只有工作时间上的差异)是正确的。

你的开头都没有提assumption 这个是题目要求啊
赶紧去看我的范文  
后面也是 这说明你基本的句型都没有掌握



中间第二段
Admittedly, evidence from experts has shown that sleep deprivation would lead to more on-the-job accidents. However, it is unsure that the workers in Quiot Manufacturing are actually suffering fatigue. 由于有three work shift,工人工作的时间应该不会太久(远大于8小时)。因此claim成立需要建立在QM的工人确实处于疲劳状态的假设上。而如果工人精力尚可,那减少的1 hour将不会起到预期作用。

中间第三段
Furthermore, the ultimate purpose of the suggestion the president proposed is to increase productivities, thus it should be assumed that one more hour’s rest could help workers improve working efficiency to reach the goal. 如果减少的一小时并不能提高工人的工作效率,那同样时间的减少并不能达到提高产量的目的。



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发表于 2015-5-26 12:09:09 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-26 11:47
[0526同主题练习]Argument 32 提纲
The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Ma ...

建议把第二点和第三点写的更详细,比如你说”减少的一小时不能提高工人工作效率“,我觉得可以点一下他们去干什么其他事情了,所以sleep hour 不会增加

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发表于 2015-5-26 13:46:59 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-5-25 23:55
[0525同主题练习]Issue 15 提纲

Educational institutions should actively encourage their students t ...

已点评

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发表于 2015-5-26 13:59:37 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-7-12 18:55 编辑

Issue3 提纲

Issue3 Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


TS:
It is arbitrary for one to assert that educational institutions have the obligation to advise students against those fields in which they are unlikely to thrive. The most obvious question educational institutions would come across is the criteria for a student would or would not be likely to succeed. That is, how could schools or universities know that a student is not likely to succeed? Moreover, even though a student has little talent at his field of interest, the school should not hamper his/her pursuing of interests. Also, it could result in students’ feeling of diffidence if educational institutions often dissuade them from endeavoring for what they like. Taking conditions above into account would conclude that it is unreasonable for educational institutions to meddle in students’ field of interest.

arbitrary 这个词换一下  
the criteria for a student would or would not be likely to succeed 语法 另外criteria这个词 用法
hamper his/her pursuing of interests搭配

建议楼主参考 http://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=13#pid1779113433这篇 重新写提纲


ts1:
The statement can be true must be premised on that educational institutions such as schools and colleges know well whether a student is likely to succeed or not. However, this kind of evaluations could often be subject.
challenge: 成绩
refutation: 成绩不好可能是没有足够努力,可能是尚未找到合适的方法

ts2:
Even though schools or colleges can judge whether a student is likely to succeed or not by referring to the transcript, dissuading him/her from pursuing these fields of study shows unrespect more or less.

不懂unrespect是什么意思


ts3:
One of the purpose of education is cultivation individual potential. However, negating a student and his endeavor just because the educational institution ‘thinks’ him not likely to succeed could lead to diffidence more or less.( 这容易使学生一时做不好一件事就不去坚持。而忽略了无论是学习还是科研都一定会遇到困难,只有坚持克服了困难才有可能有所突破和获得成功。)


有两个问题请教:  1、三段内容 这样写是否可以(没有按照学生群体分类)
                       2、“ compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position” 是不是对应每个分论点都要提出?还是在一段或者两段中提出即可?

我一般建议 中间前两段写自己的观点 第三段回应可能的挑战

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RE: 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [修改]
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